Gaaaaahhhhh...fishing much???

[ItsNeverForever]

*sigh* Will I ever learn, people? EVERY SINGLE D@MNED TIME I post on here that my resolve has strengthened, I will NOT contact him, and he's so far doing well at reciprocating, he shows the hell right up.

 

Not an hour ago I was telling you guys how the numbness/indifference has started to set in and I am really feeling like I can stick to NC now, and a text just popped up on my phone. And it is the DUMBEST fishing text I've gotten to date. Some junk about "Solstice" - WTF! He knows I celebrate CHRISTMAS. Maybe he's got me mixed up with some other chick (and I'd be be shocked?). grrrrr. This is the kind of ess-h-eye-tee that just makes me so mad.

 

I am sure he fishes today bc he knows I was irritated with him over the weekend (over our last text string that left me feeling like I was boring him and infringing on his day) and basically I ended with "see ya around". I find it oh so charming that I'm supposed to be happy and content when he ignores me for 7-10 days at a stretch, but if I drop out for 2 days he has to go fishing? Whatever. Maybe he's got me bugged and knows every time I write about it here. Holy carp (fishing pun, there...) - what if he knows about my posts here? Wow. That thought kinda makes me giggle a little.

 

FYI, NO, I'm not responding. I thought about snarkily reminding him that I celebrate Christmas. But blech, waste of my time. He'll just get all butt-hurt and try to butter me up and then he'll have me right back in his clutches. No thanks.

 

p.s. - and I returned his Christmas prezzie to the store.

[redcurls]

I like you, INF. I really do!

[jwi71]

If you want the contact to end why do you allow it?

BLOCK him.

 

So, my question to you is, WHY haven't you blocked him?

 

Why permit him to call or text or email...because by NOT blocking him that's EXACTLY what you do.

[carhill]

Change your phone number. Done. Merry Christmas

[ItsNeverForever]

Change your phone number. Done. Merry Christmas

 

Oh, JWI and Carhill, I suppose it really does sound ridiculous that I haven't done that yet, doesn't it? I've thought long and hard on this, having asked myself the same question many times. I guess sometimes it makes me feel better just to know he's still there, and I suppose in a kind of lame way, I feel that having the opportunity to just not respond makes me feel more in control. So, I guess I'm just not ready to block avenues of communication yet. This will be my first topic of conversation when I find a new IC. I had a fantastic one in my former state of residence, have had NO LUCK finding anyone here who didn't come across as a total quack.

[jwi71]

Oh, JWI and Carhill, I suppose it really does sound ridiculous that I haven't done that yet, doesn't it?

 

On the surface yes.

But this isn't simply skin deep now is it?

 

I've thought long and hard on this, having asked myself the same question many times. I guess sometimes it makes me feel better just to know he's still there, and I suppose in a kind of lame way, I feel that having the opportunity to just not respond makes me feel more in control.

 

I agree. And there's nothing wrong with wanting some measure, any measure of control, after an A where, despite all appearances - you don't really have any.

 

Additionally, its validating and self-reassuring in a very juvenile sense. And by this I mean, he DOES call. And that, somewhere deep in all humanity's subconscious, feels GOOD. To feel, however shallowly, wanted. Needed. And these feelings can feel VERY much like love. But its not.

 

In sum, as I will not get all preachy, you allow him to call because its feels good. Period. And right now, any good, even toxic good, is better than none. It is VERY much like an addiction. In fact, it IS an addiction - to the neurochemicals released at contact. Gotta break that high from HIM.

 

Because love IS that high with NO (ok, just normal R strife type of angst) withdrawal and angst.

So, I guess I'm just not ready to block avenues of communication yet

 

See above. Like any addict, you just have to have that one last hit. You'll block him...tomorrow.

 

I know that you know that its got to happen. But the need for the validation is still too strong and you are too weak. In a very real sense, he still controls you. Break the ties that bind.

 

Block him.

 

This will be my first topic of conversation when I find a new IC. I had a fantastic one in my former state of residence, have had NO LUCK finding anyone here who didn't come across as a total quack.

 

Keep it up.

You are not abnormal.

You are not somehow retarded.

You are not unworthy.

You are simply hurt, wounded, lost, afraid and confused.

 

It passes. Promise.

( I say it passes faster with the blocking...ahem)

[carhill]

IMO, a clinical psychologist with adjunct experience in infidelity recovery would be a good choice for IC. In a sense, you're 'recovering' from infidelity in a different way, back to your intrinsic balance and perspective. Ask around for couples who have gone through successful MC and get some referrals. If those MC's can't help you, they might know someone who can. We found our MC that way. If we both had wanted to recover from my EA, he would've been a perfect vehicle for that recovery.

 

You'll cut avenues of contact when it's your time. IC can help with that, especially in the areas of clarity and acceptance, but it will happen for you when it does. It all works out

[half_ofa_heart]

On the surface yes.

But this isn't simply skin deep now is it?

 

 

 

I agree. And there's nothing wrong with wanting some measure, any measure of control, after an A where, despite all appearances - you don't really have any.

 

Additionally, its validating and self-reassuring in a very juvenile sense. And by this I mean, he DOES call. And that, somewhere deep in all humanity's subconscious, feels GOOD. To feel, however shallowly, wanted. Needed. And these feelings can feel VERY much like love. But its not.

 

In sum, as I will not get all preachy, you allow him to call because its feels good. Period. And right now, any good, even toxic good, is better than none. It is VERY much like an addiction. In fact, it IS an addiction - to the neurochemicals released at contact. Gotta break that high from HIM.

 

Because love IS that high with NO (ok, just normal R strife type of angst) withdrawal and angst.

 

 

See above. Like any addict, you just have to have that one last hit. You'll block him...tomorrow.

 

I know that you know that its got to happen. But the need for the validation is still too strong and you are too weak. In a very real sense, he still controls you. Break the ties that bind.

 

Block him.

 

 

 

Keep it up.

You are not abnormal.

You are not somehow retarded.

You are not unworthy.

You are simply hurt, wounded, lost, afraid and confused.

 

It passes. Promise.

( I say it passes faster with the blocking...ahem)

 

WOW! Incredibly insightful! So true in so many aspects. However, I did block him from all the avenues I could (cell, IM and personal email) but he still finds a way to get thru to me - work email and work phone. I felt so powerful when I blocked him and thought I was well on my way to recovery; but when I saw all the work emails and phone messages, I knew I had to muster up my strength elsewhere. Although blocking him decreases the opportunity for him, it doesn't eliminate it.

 

I just keep telling myself that this pain I am going thru right now WILL end at some point and if I go back to what we had, even thought the pain wasn't as intense, it will NEVER GO AWAY! Quick death versus slow death.

[IzzyB]

Oh, JWI and Carhill, I suppose it really does sound ridiculous that I haven't done that yet, doesn't it? I've thought long and hard on this, having asked myself the same question many times. I guess sometimes it makes me feel better just to know he's still there, and I suppose in a kind of lame way, I feel that having the opportunity to just not respond makes me feel more in control. So, I guess I'm just not ready to block avenues of communication yet. This will be my first topic of conversation when I find a new IC. I had a fantastic one in my former state of residence, have had NO LUCK finding anyone here who didn't come across as a total quack.

 

Hi INF, could you have a few phone sessions with your previous therapist until you find someone new? That has helped me in the past.

I just want you to know that your personality shines through in your posts. You are fun and full of life and I enjoy reading what you have to say.

 

Izzy

[ItsNeverForever]

I like you, INF. I really do!

 

Right back at ya, babes!

[ItsNeverForever]

Hi INF, could you have a few phone sessions with your previous therapist until you find someone new? That has helped me in the past.

I just want you to know that your personality shines through in your posts. You are fun and full of life and I enjoy reading what you have to say.

 

Izzy

 

Izzy...that's one of the nicest compliments I've ever received...thank you!!! In fact, I have to tell you...I rec'd a second text from "MM" today that contained an adorably flirty compliment which in the past would have had me blushing & gushing...but instead, all I felt was disdain. Then I felt kind of sad, that I couldn't even enjoy a compliment... sad.

 

But then I read your comment, & it made my day. It is what helped me get to bedtime without responding to him.

 

I've thought about calling my miracle IC, but I'm not sure I can afford it...I guess it wouldn't hurt to ask, right?

[pureinheart]

*sigh* Will I ever learn, people? EVERY SINGLE D@MNED TIME I post on here that my resolve has strengthened, I will NOT contact him, and he's so far doing well at reciprocating, he shows the hell right up.

 

Not an hour ago I was telling you guys how the numbness/indifference has started to set in and I am really feeling like I can stick to NC now, and a text just popped up on my phone. And it is the DUMBEST fishing text I've gotten to date. Some junk about "Solstice" - WTF! He knows I celebrate CHRISTMAS. Maybe he's got me mixed up with some other chick (and I'd be be shocked?). grrrrr. This is the kind of ess-h-eye-tee that just makes me so mad.

 

I am sure he fishes today bc he knows I was irritated with him over the weekend (over our last text string that left me feeling like I was boring him and infringing on his day) and basically I ended with "see ya around". I find it oh so charming that I'm supposed to be happy and content when he ignores me for 7-10 days at a stretch, but if I drop out for 2 days he has to go fishing? Whatever. Maybe he's got me bugged and knows every time I write about it here. Holy carp (fishing pun, there...) - what if he knows about my posts here? Wow. That thought kinda makes me giggle a little.

 

FYI, NO, I'm not responding. I thought about snarkily reminding him that I celebrate Christmas. But blech, waste of my time. He'll just get all butt-hurt and try to butter me up and then he'll have me right back in his clutches. No thanks.

 

p.s. - and I returned his Christmas prezzie to the store.

 

 

That is exactly what I was thinking (bold)...but that used to happen to me all of the time, it's like he knew when I had gained strength or something.

 

ExDM knows I post here and who I am, it's not hard to figure out. Also he was at my house many times and saw my lap top in my room and saw the site and my screen name in the corner.

 

I don't let that hinder me, I will post what I want whether he sees it or not...like I hesitated to post about missing him or having a difficult time getting over him...but so what if he sees, I could really care less because it's time to move on and he knows it...

 

BTW, I think your posts are really cool and even though your going through a lot, you still maintain your sense of humor, that says a whole lot about you!

 

Hey, it will be ok, and I hope your Christmas is really good! ((((hugs))))

[pureinheart]

Wow, Izzy said about the same thing concerning your upbeat attitude...I had only read the OP....

[pureinheart]

IMO, a clinical psychologist with adjunct experience in infidelity recovery would be a good choice for IC. In a sense, you're 'recovering' from infidelity in a different way, back to your intrinsic balance and perspective. Ask around for couples who have gone through successful MC and get some referrals. If those MC's can't help you, they might know someone who can. We found our MC that way. If we both had wanted to recover from my EA, he would've been a perfect vehicle for that recovery.

 

You'll cut avenues of contact when it's your time. IC can help with that, especially in the areas of clarity and acceptance, but it will happen for you when it does. It all works out

 

So very true...

 

I had to cut off communication a little bit at a time. He would always call, and not only call but blow up my phone...this is not a lie...there were days he called over 80 times, usually about 40-50 with messages between my cell and land line...he had a pattern, the messages would go back and forth from extreme "I hate you's" to extreme "I love you's". The last few he would start crying and freaking out...the I can't live without you...after about 3 or 4 days of this I'd break down.

 

I did not want to change my land line for sentimental reasons...I took over the house I spent my teen years in, along with the phone #...Im not changing it...he will change:)

 

Thank God this time he really stayed away...I'm a nice person, although nice people can be pushed, if you catch my drift:D

[whichwayisup]

Oh, JWI and Carhill, I suppose it really does sound ridiculous that I haven't done that yet, doesn't it? I've thought long and hard on this, having asked myself the same question many times. I guess sometimes it makes me feel better just to know he's still there, and I suppose in a kind of lame way, I feel that having the opportunity to just not respond makes me feel more in control. So, I guess I'm just not ready to block avenues of communication yet. This will be my first topic of conversation when I find a new IC. I had a fantastic one in my former state of residence, have had NO LUCK finding anyone here who didn't come across as a total quack.

 

But you are also getting a zing, a feeling fed from reading, even though you don't reply. He is breaking NC, but you are breaking NC in the sense of reading what he's saying. NC also has to be active in other ways..Not let yourself think about him, fantasize, remember, reminise etc..Including reading his texts. Next time he texts, DELETE it without opening it! Empty trash.

 

How much of this also is ego feed? Combo that with feeling lke you're in control, you're still focussing on him, physically reacting. Hope this makes sense.

 

Do the online thing, like what has been suggested, but keep lookin for a therapist!

[spice4life]

Izzy...that's one of the nicest compliments I've ever received...thank you!!! In fact, I have to tell you...I rec'd a second text from "MM" today that contained an adorably flirty compliment which in the past would have had me blushing & gushing...but instead, all I felt was disdain. Then I felt kind of sad, that I couldn't even enjoy a compliment... sad.

 

But then I read your comment, & it made my day. It is what helped me get to bedtime without responding to him.

 

I've thought about calling my miracle IC, but I'm not sure I can afford it...I guess it wouldn't hurt to ask, right?

 

I agree with the others, your personality shines right through in your posts! You're a great writer.

 

One of the best ways to find an IC is to get a referral from one you really trust. Ask the one you used to go to and see if she can find one for you through her network. That's what I did and I didn't have to shop around...the one I have now is fabulous. She has helped me grow sooo much!

 

Good luck, I hope this helps.

[Hazyhead]

Well done for not replying! I think IC is a great way to go, talking your situation through with somebody impartial with insight and experience is invaluable. I agree with JW and Carhill that you should block him. I took me a while to do that too... but when I did I gained so much more a feeling of control. Perhaps discuss this with your IC when you meet them.

 

Until then - keep doing what you're doing!

[ItsNeverForever]

Well, gosh, you guys...now I'm definitely blushin' and gushin'! LOL

 

I've always been a very vibrant person, but at the same time, because of my childhood issues, I can turn to the dark, sad, polar opposite on a dime, especially when heartbroken (which happens more often than not in my relationships - ugh, admitting that made my stomach hurt). I used to write a LOT - my blog was updated daily, sometimes more than once each day, and I recently went back and read some archives and felt a little disturbed at how "flat" I've become in the past 5 years or so (since I uproooted my life and moved the kiddo-n-me back to my home state). Hopefully IC will help me get my mojo back and I can start writing again. In itself, very therapeutic for me.

 

It's Christmas...another one "alone", though this is nothing new. BUT - I have my gorgeous, smart, talented son to adore. BUT - I have my LS friends who seem to care more about me than most, also deserving of my adoration. I'm happier today than I've been in quite a while.

 

I HEART YOU GUYS!!! :love:

[ItsNeverForever]

One of the best ways to find an IC is to get a referral from one you really trust. Ask the one you used to go to and see if she can find one for you through her network. That's what I did and I didn't have to shop around...the one I have now is fabulous. She has helped me grow sooo much!

 

Spice, this is a great idea...I'm gonna call her right after Christmas and see if she's got any good'uns up her sleeve.

 

IMO, a clinical psychologist with adjunct experience in infidelity recovery would be a good choice for IC. In a sense, you're 'recovering' from infidelity in a different way, back to your intrinsic balance and perspective.

 

Carhill, also great advice - I never really thought of it that way, but you're right. Looks like I have some research to do.

 

And Hazy, ONE O'THESE DAYS I'll do it - I'll just cut him the h*ll off. I just have to wait until the day that it feels good to do it, that's the only way it'll work for me. Otherwise, I'll undo it the minute I get the slightest little curious urge. *sigh* I know me too well.

[Hazyhead]

Spice, this is a great idea...I'm gonna call her right after Christmas and see if she's got any good'uns up her sleeve.

 

 

 

Carhill, also great advice - I never really thought of it that way, but you're right. Looks like I have some research to do.

 

And Hazy, ONE O'THESE DAYS I'll do it - I'll just cut him the h*ll off. I just have to wait until the day that it feels good to do it, that's the only way it'll work for me. Otherwise, I'll undo it the minute I get the slightest little curious urge. *sigh* I know me too well.

 

 

I had to do it this way too. Baby steps but you will get there hon.

[ItsNeverForever]

So very true...

 

I had to cut off communication a little bit at a time. He would always call, and not only call but blow up my phone...this is not a lie...there were days he called over 80 times, usually about 40-50 with messages between my cell and land line...he had a pattern, the messages would go back and forth from extreme "I hate you's" to extreme "I love you's". The last few he would start crying and freaking out...the I can't live without you...after about 3 or 4 days of this I'd break down.

 

I did not want to change my land line for sentimental reasons...I took over the house I spent my teen years in, along with the phone #...Im not changing it...he will change

 

Thank God this time he really stayed away...I'm a nice person, although nice people can be pushed, if you catch my drift

 

 

Pure,

Re: Bolded #1 - HOLY CRAP, GOOD GRAVY and JEEPERS CROW! Behavior like that would completely freak me out - man, I feel blessed that I'm not dealing with that kind of nonsense. And have a whole load of respect for you for having gone through that! D*mn, woman!

 

Re: Bolded#2 - DITTO. I've kept my old number even though I live in a different state now, bc I have family and friends who don't have cell phones (GASP!!!) and it remains a local call for them. I refuse to change it. He can just change his M.O., and that's all there is to it.

 

Re: Bolded #3 - Tee hee! Gotta watch out for the nice ones - everybody has a snapping point! LOL! I'm not saying I maybe could possibly be the same way, but I'm just sayin'...

[ItsNeverForever]

But you are also getting a zing, a feeling fed from reading, even though you don't reply. He is breaking NC, but you are breaking NC in the sense of reading what he's saying. NC also has to be active in other ways..Not let yourself think about him, fantasize, remember, reminise etc..Including reading his texts. Next time he texts, DELETE it without opening it! Empty trash.

 

How much of this also is ego feed? Combo that with feeling lke you're in control, you're still focussing on him, physically reacting. Hope this makes sense.

 

Do the online thing, like what has been suggested, but keep lookin for a therapist!

 

WWIU, thanks for the genius insight - you are so right on all counts. I guess I'm in denial. Kinda ready, but not really? hrmph. Lots more thinking for me to do.

[jthorne]

I like you, INF. I really do!

Me too!

 

Oh, JWI and Carhill, I suppose it really does sound ridiculous that I haven't done that yet, doesn't it? I've thought long and hard on this, having asked myself the same question many times. I guess sometimes it makes me feel better just to know he's still there, and I suppose in a kind of lame way, I feel that having the opportunity to just not respond makes me feel more in control. So, I guess I'm just not ready to block avenues of communication yet. This will be my first topic of conversation when I find a new IC. I had a fantastic one in my former state of residence, have had NO LUCK finding anyone here who didn't come across as a total quack.

Okay, I won't harp on you for not blocking, but I do have a question: so far, you've not blocked because you get something out of the contact, even if you don't respond. So what will you do when the contact stops?

[ItsNeverForever]

Me too!

 

Okay, I won't harp on you for not blocking, but I do have a question: so far, you've not blocked because you get something out of the contact, even if you don't respond. So what will you do when the contact stops?

 

Probably cry. *sigh* But the way I feel right now, I suspect that by the time he drops off the communication wagon, I will hate him so much for doing so that I won't care. I keep trying to remind myself: I am AMAZING, and I have SO MUCH to give to someone - how on EARTH could he just drop me? Honestly, he's not married to her and they're "very much broken up for good" (remember?) so really when you break it all down, he has no GOOD excuse for what he's done.

 

So, when he decides to go away for good, it will be proof that he's mentally retarded. And there's no accounting for that, is there?

 

I guess my revised answer to your question then, should be: probably cry, then use the anger & disgust to heal all the quicker.

 

On the other hand, I instinctively suspect that he won't go away. Aside from the fact that there are several areas of our social and professional lives that are intertwined, I'm not sure how to account for this very strong instinct. But it's there. I just try not to give it any weight in my thoughts anymore because it serves no good purpose.

 

So far, after fishing and flirting yesterday bc he knows I'm upset with him, and getting no response from me, today has been total radio silence. and this makes me a happy girl. I have so much to get done between now and Christmas that I will be literally tearing my hair out, needing a least 30 hours in a day...so I'm counting on forgetting all about it until at least next week. Merry Christmas to ME! LOL (oh! and that reminds me - here's another very-much-expected opportunity for disdain towards him so necessary for my particular healing - I can almost guarantee that he won't even text on Christmas, much less call. And let me tell you, that will have me so HOT...and it will help HEAPS.)

 

oh! And thanks for the compliment, JT. I heart you, too!

[ItsNeverForever]

HAHAHA! You crack me up!!!! so cute... :love: