LoveConfused22 Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Hello, I am new to this website and am looking for help. I am having issues with my relationship, and I don't know where to start fixing it. My fiance and I have been together almost two years, and are a couple of weeks from marriage. I love this man more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. There have been tough times with our relationship but it is usually something we can work out. Lately however, we keep talking in circles. To me he is a great man. I love ever aspect about him. His past, present, and future, as well as his goals. He is mature for his age (22 even though his mind is like 50), and I am 24. We don't fight about things like where to live or if we want kids or not, we more or less want to enjoy each other and still want to figure out what we want from each other. The problem is he keeps trying to change him self because he thinks it will be better if he does. I say that it's not true and I love him for him, and that is one circle. The next is, since we are both really unsure of what marriage is (I just want to be with him) he decided to let me make all the decisions, which did not work for me because I felt he didn't care, and I value his opinion. That one is on a semi fix i think. The problems with me are I don't support him well, if at all. It is not like I mean to, I just never had to before. I have tried looking every where for advice on how to be supportive but I don't get it. That makes me sad, I want to support him I just don't know how. Also I feel like we hold things in from each other. We used to be best friends, life was easy, I wanted more and he agreed. The communication has gone down, or thinned out I guess. And even though it shouldn't be the biggest thing in the relationship, sex is not in the picture anymore. I know he is under stress and so i take that into account, but it makes me feel...damaged. Anyway, now that there is a background, how do I be more supportive, and keep supporting? Also, how do i get him to see I love him for who he is?
StrangeCanine Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 Maybe he is just a jerk. You can probably do better than that. Let him know what you miss and try to work on it. If that doesn't work, kick the jerk to the curb.
eerie_reverie Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Those are some pretty serious issues to be having a couple of weeks from marriage.
denise_xo Posted January 3, 2011 Posted January 3, 2011 Hello, I am new to this website and am looking for help. I am having issues with my relationship, and I don't know where to start fixing it. My fiance and I have been together almost two years, and are a couple of weeks from marriage. I love this man more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. There have been tough times with our relationship but it is usually something we can work out. Lately however, we keep talking in circles. To me he is a great man. I love ever aspect about him. His past, present, and future, as well as his goals. He is mature for his age (22 even though his mind is like 50), and I am 24. We don't fight about things like where to live or if we want kids or not, we more or less want to enjoy each other and still want to figure out what we want from each other. The problem is he keeps trying to change him self because he thinks it will be better if he does. I say that it's not true and I love him for him, and that is one circle. The next is, since we are both really unsure of what marriage is (I just want to be with him) he decided to let me make all the decisions, which did not work for me because I felt he didn't care, and I value his opinion. That one is on a semi fix i think. The problems with me are I don't support him well, if at all. It is not like I mean to, I just never had to before. I have tried looking every where for advice on how to be supportive but I don't get it. That makes me sad, I want to support him I just don't know how. Also I feel like we hold things in from each other. We used to be best friends, life was easy, I wanted more and he agreed. The communication has gone down, or thinned out I guess. And even though it shouldn't be the biggest thing in the relationship, sex is not in the picture anymore. I know he is under stress and so i take that into account, but it makes me feel...damaged. Anyway, now that there is a background, how do I be more supportive, and keep supporting? Also, how do i get him to see I love him for who he is? My sympathies with your situation, LC. The issues in bold/underline are really quite severe and I'd be extremely hesitant with going through with the marriage at this point if I were you. Is there any way that the two of you can put it off for a bit to address some of these challenges? It's not very clear to me what you mean with 'supportive' here so I might be reading too much between the lines - but if the idea is that you are supposed to 'think' for both of you in terms of common decisions, that's a HUGE red flag. If it's about facilitating someone's faulty approach to dealing with his own insecurities, that's not the kind of 'support' he should be asking from you, either. As for the last bit in bold, you CAN'T "get him" to see that you love him for what he is if he doesn't 'love himself' first. Maybe the two of you should try some couple's counselling to try to hash out some of the issues? Keep posting.
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted January 9, 2011 Posted January 9, 2011 Yikes! Well, look at it this way: this guy has been with you from age 20-22, which is a very short time, and a still a very young and malleable age (and young people together for a short time getting married can be a recipe for disaster, unfortunately). He is is changing because he is still not a grown-up, and he probably doesn't know who he is. You stated you are both "unsure of what marriage is" - that's a good clue. Honestly, it seems like you both (but especially him) are not ready to be married at all. My opinion would be to postpone the wedding for sure. You've been together such a short time but you've already stopped having sex? That's a horrible sign. Can you imagine what it will be like after 5, 10 years then?
R1zbear Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 Maybe he is just a jerk. You can probably do better than that. Let him know what you miss and try to work on it. If that doesn't work, kick the jerk to the curb. I also think so.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 18, 2011 Posted February 18, 2011 He is not ripe for marriage. Two young, too inexperienced.
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