To everyone in an Affair

January 14, 2011

*yawn* yes your right and to have a deate there always has to be more than one perosn or one side.... what is the point it is all about perception IMO.

It is old indeed.

Of COURSE there is more than one side. The part she was referring to that gets old, however, is when someone says something that isn't a pat-on-the-back answer that someone wants to hear, the "judgmental" crowd starts in on them. EVERYONE judges. EVERYONE. Some jump on a high horse and try to make claims that they don't, but I never buy it 'cause it's BS. EVERYONE judges. That's why there are different opinions. There can't be an opinion without some sort of judgment call whether it be related to a situation or a person's behavior.

January 14, 2011

Of COURSE there is more than one side. The part she was referring to that gets old, however, is when someone says something that isn't a pat-on-the-back answer that someone wants to hear, the "judgmental" crowd starts in on them. EVERYONE judges. EVERYONE. Some jump on a high horse and try to make claims that they don't, but I never buy it 'cause it's BS. EVERYONE judges. That's why there are different opinions. There can't be an opinion without some sort of judgment call whether it be related to a situation or a person's behavior.

Thank you, one for always stating the obvious and two for helping me to understand it.

January 14, 2011

Thank you, one for always stating the obvious and two for helping me to understand it.

Always happy to oblige. It was obvious you needed assistance.

January 14, 2011

Always happy to oblige. It was obvious you needed assistance.

Kudos to you for helping out. With the misspellings and bad grammar, I couldn't understand what the post was about.

Maybe I need more coffee.

Edited January 14, 2011 by jthorne

January 14, 2011

One thing that seems to be ignored in these "debates" is the distinct personalities of the posters. Yes, we are sort of anonymous, but we come to know one another and where we stand. Some people disappear for a variety of reasons and then return with a different screen name, but the writing style and perspective often give them away readily.

This is not just a forum for support of OM / OW, etc. It is an extension of things that go on all over this board. The thread was originally started as a response to a thread on the Infidelity forum. What was this OP doing on the Infidelity forum? There are many "OW" who are known for popping over to that forum to pipe in. There are many "BS" who come here to express their opinions about people who have extramarital affairs.

Regulars on LS are the same people whatever forum we decide to pitch in on at any given time. It's pretty much a social group, like it or not. If we have "hot buttons" we are likely to respond when they're hit. Extramarital affairs and especially the celebration of them is predictably going to be a very hot button for people on a "love" site.

Read any active thread on any forum here. You are not going to find unanimous support for ANYONE or any situation.

It's pretty unrealistic to expect to find it here.

January 14, 2011

One thing that seems to be ignored in these "debates" is the distinct personalities of the posters. Yes, we are sort of anonymous, but we come to know one another and where we stand. Some people disappear for a variety of reasons and then return with a different screen name, but the writing style and perspective often give them away readily.

This is not just a forum for support of OM / OW, etc. It is an extension of things that go on all over this board. The thread was originally started as a response to a thread on the Infidelity forum. What was this OP doing on the Infidelity forum? There are many "OW" who are known for popping over to that forum to pipe in. There are many "BS" who come here to express their opinions about people who have extramarital affairs.

Regulars on LS are the same people whatever forum we decide to pitch in on at any given time. It's pretty much a social group, like it or not. If we have "hot buttons" we are likely to respond when they're hit. Extramarital affairs and especially the celebration of them is predictably going to be a very hot button for people on a "love" site.

Read any active thread on any forum here. You are not going to find unanimous support for ANYONE or any situation.

It's pretty unrealistic to expect to find it here.

Celebration and - boasting/gloating over any scraps received from deceit. .

January 14, 2011

Always happy to oblige. It was obvious you needed assistance.

Kudos to you for helping out. With the misspellings and bad grammar, I couldn't understand what the post was about.
Maybe I need more coffee.

You both are correct.

Doesn't it feel good to be right?

I am just one person with one perspective of things, and always enjoy reading and learning others perspectives, to measure against my own and see if my way of thinking is in any way distorted.

I have learned a lot and sometime I do need tweaking in my views.

What I have learned here, today as most days on LS is this…. I may, by others definition, lost my integrity for having an A, but I, even at this moment, know I have not lost my ability to be kind, so not all is lost.

I can and do appreciate others opinions and value any and all perspectives, even when they differ from my own.

January 14, 2011

The thread was originally started as a response to a thread on the Infidelity forum. What was this OP doing on the Infidelity forum?

Mme.C you are incorrect. I saw the thread in the M&LP forum (which prompted me to start a parallel one here).

Why do I read the M&LP forum? Because my R is headed that way and there are some very interesting lessons to learn from others (mostly in the What Not To Do variety).

There are many "OW" who are known for popping over to that forum to pipe in.

You are absolutely correct - there are OWs who pop over to the Infidelity forum. Do you want to know why? Because the Infidelity forum isn’t restricted to BSs. It actually says “In an affair or suspect your significant other?” so for all extents and purposes, it’s open to anybody in an A (OW/OM, BW/BH, WW/WH).

There are many "BS" who come here to express their opinions about people who have extramarital affairs.

Public forum so anybody can post.

But here is the main difference:

I (nor any other OW/OM) did not post on that specific M&LP thread. As requested not to.

I find it incredibly interesting that what was requested AND respected on one forum cannot be requested AND respected on another. And it makes me wonder what that means and says.

So as not to t/j my own thread: I love how we can be lying in bed late at night, each reading our own book – yet be connected. Me leaning on him, his leg over mine.

January 14, 2011

Mme.C you are incorrect. I saw the thread in the M&LP forum (which prompted me to start a parallel one here).

Why do I read the M&LP forum? Because my R is headed that way and there are some very interesting lessons to learn from others (mostly in the What Not To Do variety).

You are absolutely correct - there are OWs who pop over to the Infidelity forum. Do you want to know why? Because the Infidelity forum isn’t restricted to BSs. It actually says “In an affair or suspect your significant other?” so for all extents and purposes, it’s open to anybody in an A (OW/OM, BW/BH, WW/WH).

Public forum so anybody can post.

But here is the main difference:
I (nor any other OW/OM) did not post on that specific M&LP thread. As requested not to.

I find it incredibly interesting that what was requested AND respected on one forum cannot be requested AND respected on another. And it makes me wonder what that means and says.

So as not to t/j my own thread: I love how we can be lying in bed late at night, each reading our own book – yet be connected. Me leaning on him, his leg over mine.

Hey! Just for the record.... that's exactly how it used to be with me and my husband.

(You're not in the u.k. are you?)

January 14, 2011

I love how we can be lying in bed late at night, each reading our own book – yet be connected. Me leaning on him, his leg over mine.

You are having an affair, and this is how you spend your time? Wow. Ok.

January 14, 2011

You are having an affair, and this is how you spend your time? Wow. Ok.

Oh, I can think of worse things. Like cleaning the litter box.

I have to wonder, though, how someone in that position can be so sure they are headed for M.

January 14, 2011

Oh, I can think of worse things. Like cleaning the litter box.

I have to wonder, though, how someone in that position can be so sure they are headed for M.

Maybe. According to some, they are just enjoying the moment...

Which is good, right? No disappointments. Right?

January 14, 2011

Mme.C you are incorrect. I saw the thread in the M&LP forum (which prompted me to start a parallel one here).

Why do I read the M&LP forum? Because my R is headed that way and there are some very interesting lessons to learn from others (mostly in the What Not To Do variety).

Well, it makes no difference with regards to the point I was trying to make, which was: anybody can be in any forum they like here on LS, and post in it.

And, I'm sure a majority of women involved with married men do believe that their relationship is heading towards "marriage / life partnership." Some actually are. That's one of many reasons a person involved with a married other would like to read a forum for people in a committed relationship.

You are absolutely correct - there are OWs who pop over to the Infidelity forum. Do you want to know why? Because the Infidelity forum isn’t restricted to BSs. It actually says “In an affair or suspect your significant other?” so for all extents and purposes, it’s open to anybody in an A (OW/OM, BW/BH, WW/WH).

Yay for them. In fact, this entire site is open to anybody who wants to post in any of the fora.

There have been times that someone has included in a post "Mme. Chaucer, I don't want to hear from you any more. Please stay away from my threads." If I feel like participating anyway, I do. Nobody has to read what I write.

But here is the main difference:
I (nor any other OW/OM) did not post on that specific M&LP thread. As requested not to.

I find it incredibly interesting that what was requested AND respected on one forum cannot be requested AND respected on another. And it makes me wonder what that means and says.

Wow. We don't look at things the same at all. That's not even on the distant border of "incredibly interesting" to me.

IMO, what it means and says is simply that no women or men involved in extramarital affairs felt like posting about their extramarital affairs in that thread during that time period. Not that they were dying to and held themselves back just because they're such respectful folks. If I recall that thread at all, it would have been difficult to insert a post about ones extramarital affair there without a lot of awkwardness. It just would not have made much sense.

You can find dozens of "unwanted" contributions to all kinds of threads all over LS everyday.

I am not a person who comes to this forum and denigrates the people (mostly my fellow women) who post here about their affairs.

Like it or not, though, having love affairs behind a spouse's back is not honored by society. There are some people who claim that they are from a culture where such things are not frowned upon, but I am quite worldly and I don't know of any cultures that celebrate deceit (open marriages / polyamory are different stories altogether).

Anyway, as I said in my other post, celebrating your moments of love that are taking place under the cover of lying is going to be a huge button pusher for many folks, for many different reasons. They are likely to pipe in with their opinions. It's a behavior that is not "approved" of by any of our cultures.

I have my opinions about that, of course, but I am not posting from a judgmental place now. I'm just saying that it's outside of what is deemed "good" socially, so there are bound to be a lot of emotional reactions.

What if you wanted to post a thread that was celebrating the adrenaline rush of shoplifting (not on LS, of course!). You'd get your happy boosters - and you'd get your self righteous anti-theft folks, along with some who had been personally hurt by stealing in their own lives.

Try starting an "Let's Share Our Love for Sarah Palin" thread over on "Political Proselytizing." Do you think all the Sarah Palin haters would deferentially stay away? Heck, no!

That's the beauty of LS and other boards like this, IMO. We are going to encounter all kinds of stuff - and a lot of it is not what we were looking for.

January 14, 2011

Maybe. According to some, they are just enjoying the moment...
Which is good, right? No disappointments. Right?

Sure. No disappointments.

January 14, 2011

Mme.Chaucer is right AngeletteX. We don't have to read what someone writes (if we know they oppose whatever we are talking about ahead of time) and if we come to find out what they posted is strictly something we asked not to hear about, we can chose to ignore it and not respond to it, let the person talk, but it will fall on deaf ears.

I've been on many forums (only one or two related to love as LS is) and I learned this a long time ago. Like this thread I found interesting because it related to something I was involved in and I ignored those who are against As and "supporting" the good times that occur with extramarital affairs. I don't care what they say, and neither should you.

Don't waste your time responding to the post or trying to explain yourself (after you already have), as they are able to state their opinion as freely as they wish to. The only time action needs to be taken is if they are belligerent and harassing, which everyone (besides one poster), seems to be quite intelligent despite some of the sarcastic undertones, but sarcasm makes a topic tasty.

January 15, 2011

Got It

Are you suggesting that everybody else who posts on this forum who is not an OW/OM is not in a good way? Is out to attack? That you feel sorry for them? Oh, and obsessed with this particular forum?

For example, do you think I am not good willed and am trying to work through something? Do you feel sympathy for me?

Don't you think your comments are rather inflammatory? How would you feel if such a post was made about OW/OM?

Anne, yes I am. Why would one be on an OW/OM board otherwise? What would be the interest if one is not in an affair, was in an affair, or is condoning affairs but for the above? To show others the error of their ways? Morbid curiosity?

Anne, I can't say I know you or your story, obviously I am speaking in a more general sense, maybe it is a morbid curiosity that brings you here, I am not sure.

And how would I feel if made about the OW/OM? Well you only need to visit multiple threads on this forum or the many ones in the Infidelity board to see that. It isn't like, even on this board which is SUPPOSE to be FOR the OW/OM, there is much love or empathy for the OP. I understand that, it is not a protected board and thusly allows any comments. Thankfully there are protected boards for the OP as well as the BS that allow each side to engage in other fashions without the impact of the other side. But to insinuate that there aren't comments made here about the OP is ridiculous. It happens a great deal.

Are my comments inflammatory? I guess it depends on which side of the fence one is on? For me, they are my feelings and opinions and are really said without rancor. I do feel for those that are trying to work through their own betrayal, here, trying to wrap their heads around the OP in their situation; trying to figure out how their world had suddenly been occupied by a complete stranger that they knew nothing about. How the world they knew was a potentiall fantasy to what reality ended being. But for those, there is an infidelity forum that is geared more towards others going through what they are and can offer the best support and structure. If the comments that are said here are said over there . . .

But there are others who are here for less than "noble" reasons, others for some level of curiosity and others, well, I am not suree why they are here. We each walk our own paths and come to peace with our decisions in many different ways.

If I am wrong, then mea culpa. These are my observations and conclusions based on the reading I have done here up to this point.

Edited January 15, 2011 by Got it

January 15, 2011

Oh great, so now I have been accused of suffering from morbid curiousity.

How can someone object to gross stereotypes then make similarly gross stereotypes and think that is OK? How can someone think that there is only one side to a story? How can one have their head so deep in their particular situation that they think only an OW/OM can ever have something worthwhile to say?

January 15, 2011

There are tons of things I love about exMM: His sense of humor, his wit and playfulness. I love his ability to truly communicate, the way he kissed, his looks, his height, and his overall demeanor; he is truly a good person - lost (ie. affair) but a good man who made mistakes..

Having said that, there are also aspects I did not like about ExMM which is why he is ExMM. But I do still love all of the good and its all still there - just buried underneath a lot of drama and confusion, and yes, selfishness.

January 15, 2011

Picture me holding our daughter as she sobs and cant be consoled. Try to answer her when she asks, "Why is mommy leaving? What did I do? I don't want her to go!" "Neither do I babe but I can't make her stay."

I am so sorry you and your family are going through this Hanging. Truly truly sorry.

January 17, 2011

I love how we can be lying in bed late at night, each reading our own book – yet be connected. Me leaning on him, his leg over mine.

You are having an affair, and this is how you spend your time? Wow. Ok.

I am in a RELATIONSHIP with a man who absolutely adores me (and vice versa).

And yes, considering it's a RELATIONSHIP, we actually *gasp* do normal couple-y things like lie in bed with each other reading. Shocking isn't it?

P.S. Sometimes we read out loud to each other too!

January 17, 2011

Oh great, so now I have been accused of suffering from morbid curiousity.

How can someone object to gross stereotypes then make similarly gross stereotypes and think that is OK? How can someone think that there is only one side to a story? How can one have their head so deep in their particular situation that they think only an OW/OM can ever have something worthwhile to say?

Anne - No, I did not say that. I questioned if that was why and I asked you why you are here. I did not definitively that is why you are here. Nor did I say that only an OP have anything worthy to say. You are taking it much too personally when what I said was posted in general. I specifically said that I did not know why you were here.

I also acknowledged that I could be wrong in my opinion on it as well. I would suggest rereading and not taking it so personally. As I stated, I do not know why you are here, I do not know your back history, etc. I was speaking in general and the threads and comments to threads that I have read here over the past couple years. But I have not followed any particular person's story.

So if I am wrong, instead of acting aghast and indignant, why don't you enlighten me?

January 17, 2011

Got It

I just object to the way you stereotype groups of posters as "attacking", "working through problems" or suffering from "morbid curiousity".

I am not taking it personally because you do in fact appear to be criticising anybody who is not an OW or does not agree with your viewpoint.

I personally would hate to be so rigid and narrow minded in outlook.

January 17, 2011

Anne, then like I said, enlighten me and explain why one would be here if they do not fall into the above categories? Why are you here? Why would someone be interested in EMRs, OW/OM, etc if they have not had anything to do with affairs, do not think critically of them and do not condone them? What is the interest?

Again, I have said multiple times to please give me information back, educate me as I am a little perplexed. I do not spend time on car mechanic sites as I am not interested in being a car mechanic, I have not had anything to do with auto mechanics, and I am pretty unknowing and neutral on the whole things. So why are you here?

And the crux of my comments have been in regards to the plethora of negative comments about OPs and especially in regards to anything remotely positive about EMRs.

I am not saying that what someone is posting has to be all sunshine and unicorns but if you (general you) are not here to SUPPORT the OW/OM why are you here?

I see life with lots of grey, I support some affairs and not others, just like I support some relationships and not others. But I will always support the OP and their best interest as I care about the OP. I would never go to any infidelity site and criticize the BS, poke fun at them, or taunt them, I get upset when someone comes to an OP site and does that to the OP.

It seems you are more interested at poo pooing me for my opinion then actually engaging in a discussion. If you are more comfortable thinking I am rigid in my opinion, that I have said anything close to what you said in your last post, that please go ahead. Whatever floats your boat.

But it seems to be you that are rigid in your thinking and needing things to be cookie cutter and black and white so things are all right in the world.

Again, whatever floats your boat.

January 17, 2011

In defense of Anne, I don't recall any of her posts being cruel or mean. Seems to me she is a level headed poster who has been on the other side of the fence so to speak and she wants to share her experiences and her unique insight.

January 17, 2011

In defense of Anne, I don't recall any of her posts being cruel or mean. Seems to me she is a level headed poster who has been on the other side of the fence so to speak and she wants to share her experiences and her unique insight.

I have never been in "offense" of Anne nor did I think she has been cruel or mean. She took offense to my post and we have been engaging since. I have asked for her story, explain her side, etc. The definition of this forum is for support and discussion of the OP for those who find themselves in a relationship with a committed person.

So that is the crux of my statement and musing on why else one would be here if they do not follow into the above.

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