To everyone in an Affair

[half_ofa_heart]

There's nothing wrong with a little reality and truth - to go along with the destructive fantasy.

 

and if we feel the need to get that, we know where to get it and it't not in this thread.

[thissecretgirl]

There's nothing wrong with a little reality and truth - to go along with the destructive fantasy.

 

whose 'reality and truth' and whose 'destructive fantasy'?

[2themoon&back]

There is a thread in the M&LP section which specifically states "no OW/mistresses or OM please" when it comes to responses. So far that request seems to be respected.

 

I'm curious to see if it's possible to have similar results here, in terms of people respecting such a request.

 

So ladies and gents - those who find themselves "involved with a committed partner" - name one thing you absolutely adore about your partner (no BS or individuals who have never experienced being in an A please).

 

 

Originally Posted by donnamaybe

The sad thing is that MOST OW/OM find out how "real" it is when the BS discovers the sneaking around that's been going on.

 

It would appear to be a one-sided for "real", if outside of the M.

 

Let's hear it for the same as those that would burrow into a M, as would insist on a restricted forum here.

 

I think you got your answer.... not gonna happen

[AngeletteX]

There is a thread in the M&LP section which specifically states "no OW/mistresses or OM please" when it comes to responses. So far that request seems to be respected.

 

I'm curious to see if it's possible to have similar results here, in terms of people respecting such a request.

 

I think you got your answer.... not gonna happen

 

2TM&B - yeah, I know. I had a feeling it wouldn't...but it doesn't matter.

 

I still want to hear about all the good things that a couple can share in a R even if one person (or both) is "committed to another".

 

I'm not trying to say that A/R are better or somehow more special than any other R. But (as another poster had pointed out) it IS about two people falling in love...and being in love...and as time passes, just loving each other. And in my book, LOVE can never be a negative emotion.

 

And thank you to all who have taken the time out to respond to my original post. I hope thinking about the positive aspects of your R (current or in the past) managed to put a smile on your face.

 

Back to the OP: I love the way I'll be doing the most mundane of tasks, like washing dishes or cooking - and he'll come up behind me and wrap his arms around me and kiss my neck.

[Got it]

I am just glad to have found him. He is the perfect counterpoint to me, he challenges me when I need it, he understands my idiosyncracies, and he is so absolutely loving on a daily basis.

 

While the relationship has evolved since it was an EMR, and still evolving, he, and the relationship, are like a fine wine and only get better with age.

[AngeletteX]

I am just glad to have found him. He is the perfect counterpoint to me, he challenges me when I need it, he understands my idiosyncracies, and he is so absolutely loving on a daily basis.

 

While the relationship has evolved since it was an EMR, and still evolving, he, and the relationship, are like a fine wine and only get better with age.

 

This. All the bolded.

 

And I am willing to bet that you challenge him as well, he thinks your idiosyncracies are adorable and the love you feel from him is reflected back to him, like mirrors bouncing reflections off each other.

 

Like yours, my R has evolved, is evolving and will continue to evolve. It's a beautiful thing, isn't it?

[woinlove]

The description says support and discussion. It does not say boasting and glorifying.

 

I don't think it is boasting and glorifying. I think it is connected to wanting to feel better. Affairs are based on deception and betrayal and no matter what your role in one, that has negative consequences - in many cases, very serious and long-lasting negative consequences. Still, like any R, there can be positive aspects, even extremely positive aspects. I think it is an interesting question to ask what is the purpose of focussing on the positive, to the exclusion of the negative? Hopefully it is not to make it easier to continue on a path involving deception and betrayal by ignoring important elements. I suspect it is to feel better about oneself. Nothing wrong with that, as long as it truly achieves that goal. I'm not sure if it does though.

 

By contrast, the parallel threads to this one for marriages, seem to be a reminder to not take things for granted, to take time to appreciate the positives, despite the challenges of continually forging such a long and serious commitment to another. In other words, I see them going beyond just feel good, to reinforcing what, unlike a secret affair, is positive at its core - making a loving and solid commitment to one's family, whether that family is just 2 people, 2 people with children, or a large, extended family.

[donnamaybe]

I don't think it is boasting and glorifying. I think it is connected to wanting to feel better. Affairs are based on deception and betrayal and no matter what your role in one, that has negative consequences - in many cases, very serious and long-lasting negative consequences. Still, like any R, there can be positive aspects, even extremely positive aspects. I think it is an interesting question to ask what is the purpose of focussing on the positive, to the exclusion of the negative? Hopefully it is not to make it easier to continue on a path involving deception and betrayal by ignoring important elements. I suspect it is to feel better about oneself. Nothing wrong with that, as long as it truly achieves that goal. I'm not sure if it does though.

I totally get how someone involved in an A, where they are just a part time whatever in someone's life, would have a desperate need to feel better.

 

As for challenging someone? How about a challenge put forth to make a choice already. Now THERE'S a challenge for you, and definitely one worth posing.

[2themoon&back]

The description says support and discussion. It does not say boasting and glorifying.

 

 

I do not see how this is relevant to what I was talking about and I am not sure what you meant by this, but if I understand correctly here is my response to that if not forgive me for misunderstanding.

 

But if AP, is involved in an A, with a committed partner, it does not say they cannot boast or discuss how they “feel” good or otherwise in said A.

 

Why not glorify or boast if the feelings they are having are positive for them or make them happy in any way?

 

Because A’s are morally wrong to someone else?....People do things all the time that morally wrong and offend others, this does not change that they will still do it or boast about it.

 

Would this lead one to believe that only if everyone agrees on the topic then and only then it can be discussed, supported, boasted about or glorified? Not how a public forum works to my understanding and from anything I have read in the terms of use of this forum.

 

“All community participants interact in a manner conducive to free-flowing, collaborative participation from all visitors, fostering an environment free of harassment, character attacks, and other forms of individual and group berating. We realize that all members may not share the same definitions on issues surrounding personal morality, appropriate behavior, and other sensitive topics of discussion that often appear on the site; we encourage all to voice their own opinions while refraining from criticizing other participants for the perspective they hold. Each person that posts on the forum is to be treated with the utmost respect and civility regardless of how absurd or ridiculous the opinion expressed might seem to you from your perspective.”

 

If you did not agree with the topic do not participate, if you feel you must then by all means state your opinion. Your call, open forum.

 

The above does not say that one in an A cannot boast or glorify their relationship through discussion and support.

 

and IMO, that's what this thread was about to start with.

Edited January 12, 2011 by 2themoon&back
to add

[AngeletteX]

I think it is an interesting question to ask what is the purpose of focussing on the positive, to the exclusion of the negative?

 

Light/dark, positive/negative, joy/pain are two sides of the same coin. You can’t have one without the other. It’s about balance. This thread wasn’t started as an “exclusion of the negative” but to COUNTERACT all the negativity that exists.

 

Considering this is a forum for OW/OM, I’m surprised to see what sometimes passes as support. It’s one thing to tell someone who’s going thru a difficult time “I know what you’re going through, I’ve been there, this is what I did, this is what helped me, these are your choices, etc.” and it’s another thing to….I won’t even bother saying because that's not the point of this thread.

 

*palm up* Yeah, I know. It’s a public forum and anyone can post.

 

Regardless, at the end of the day it still boils down to two people in a Relationship – and all the LOVE, JOY and HAPPINESS (whether it’s current or in the past) can never be taken away from the two who shared it. That’s the truth.

 

And THAT is what I would like people to focus on – especially those whom this forum was set up for.

[Got it]

Angel - absolutely!

 

There is nothing wrong with doing a little boasting about the finer point's of one's relationship. Life is too short not to recognize the good.

 

I look at it this way, this is an OW/OM forum. Those who are not OW/OM are on here for an variety of reasons but there is nothing good willed about them. And one has to wonder what they are trying to work through, here with the OPs. So for some I feel sympathy, for some I feel support and hope they can work through to a better place, and to others I just shake my head because they don't seem to know why they are so fixated with this forum; I pity those individuals.

[anne1707]

I look at it this way, this is an OW/OM forum. Those who are not OW/OM are on here for an variety of reasons but there is nothing good willed about them. And one has to wonder what they are trying to work through, here with the OPs. So for some I feel sympathy, for some I feel support and hope they can work through to a better place, and to others I just shake my head because they don't seem to know why they are so fixated with this forum; I pity those individuals.

 

Got It

 

Are you suggesting that everybody else who posts on this forum who is not an OW/OM is not in a good way? Is out to attack? That you feel sorry for them? Oh, and obsessed with this particular forum?

 

For example, do you think I am not good willed and am trying to work through something? Do you feel sympathy for me?

 

Don't you think your comments are rather inflammatory? How would you feel if such a post was made about OW/OM?

[thissecretgirl]

Don't you think your comments are rather inflammatory? How would you feel if such a post was made about OW/OM?

 

Anne1707, I'm not going to answer for Got it but I have to say as a relatively new poster to this forum it feels like most of the inflammatory posts are made towards the OW/OM, which seems inappropriate on this particular forum as it's purpose is for the OW/OM to share and find advice and support.

Sometimes there is good, sound advice given by the BS and sure sometimes its given in a blunt way, which personally I am ok with.

But often there are scathing remarks, rudeness, generalisations and projecting. Threads are often hyjacked, like this one because it just doesnt fit in with what certain posters want to see.

 

Unfortunately it seems like this is the norm here. I thought of starting a thread myself because personally, I get tired of the generalisations made about AP and affairs but I didnt because I didnt want to be inflammatory.

 

There are often generalisations and remarks aimed at OW/OM about their desperation, their naivety, their wickedness, how karma will get them blah blah blah. You very rarely see the same anger directed at the WS in the affair, which I find bizarre. And I cant say I have ever seen any similar scathing, rude and equally ridiculous remarks such as 'you couldnt keep your spouse happy' etc made towards the BS.

 

If the people who project like this are feeling so much anger and frustration, perhaps it would be better and much more productive to channel at the people in their life who deserve it rather than someone on the internet that they dont know and whose circumstances they dont understand.

[woinlove]

Angel - absolutely!

 

There is nothing wrong with doing a little boasting about the finer point's of one's relationship. Life is too short not to recognize the good.

 

I look at it this way, this is an OW/OM forum. Those who are not OW/OM are on here for an variety of reasons but there is nothing good willed about them. And one has to wonder what they are trying to work through, here with the OPs. So for some I feel sympathy, for some I feel support and hope they can work through to a better place, and to others I just shake my head because they don't seem to know why they are so fixated with this forum; I pity those individuals.

 

Nothing good willed? Why the broad condemnation of others? Posters on this forum have sometimes explicitly stated how comments from the people you put down and say you pity have helped them.

 

Some who have been previously involved as an OW/OM, or those who were WS or BS, have lived through some of the aspects of infidelity, like to try to nudge others towards different choices to save people from pain.

 

I understand that focussing on the feel-good aspects of an affair may help some feel better. For many, contentment will come by feeling good about their current decisions, actions and the entirety of the life they have chosen. It seems many OW/OM are happiest when they stop being an OW/OM and have recovered, whether that is by beginning an open R with their former MM/MW or by moving on. Only a few are actually happy being the OW/OM. For those few, focussing on the good parts serves an obvious purpose, further motivating them to continue on in the situation they want to be in. For others, it is worth some thought as to what really makes them feel better.

[half_ofa_heart]

I understand that focussing on the feel-good aspects of an affair may help some feel better. For many, contentment will come by feeling good about their current decisions, actions and the entirety of the life they have chosen. It seems many OW/OM are happiest when they stop being an OW/OM and have recovered, whether that is by beginning an open R with their former MM/MW or by moving on. Only a few are actually happy being the OW/OM. For those few, focussing on the good parts serves an obvious purpose, further motivating them to continue on in the situation they want to be in. For others, it is worth some thought as to what really makes them feel better.

 

IMHO... It's not so much "WHAT" is being said and more about "HOW" it's being said. Getting your point across is the goal but it seems that some BS feel the need to throw in a few unnecessary jabs in the process. You are correct in that most of the OW/OM happier NOT being in an A but that's is precisely why they are here, looking for answers and guidance to get out of an A - either by ending it or by forcing the MM/MW to make a decision. Why is it so hard to give your POV in a positive manner???

[bentnotbroken]

IMHO... It's not so much "WHAT" is being said and more about "HOW" it's being said. Getting your point across is the goal but it seems that some BS feel the need to throw in a few unnecessary jabs in the process. You are correct in that most of the OW/OM happier NOT being in an A but that's is precisely why they are here, looking for answers and guidance to get out of an A - either by ending it or by forcing the MM/MW to make a decision. Why is it so hard to give your POV in a positive manner???

 

 

Who gets to decide what is positive. What I think is negative is all the fairy tales being told..on either side. So the truth is positive for me...I get to decide what else is positive and how I will say it.

[half_ofa_heart]

Who gets to decide what is positive. What I think is negative is all the fairy tales being told..on either side. So the truth is positive for me...I get to decide what else is positive and how I will say it.

 

Again, not so much "WHAT" but "HOW"!

[bentnotbroken]

Again, not so much "WHAT" but "HOW"!

 

 

Again...who gets to decide your "how"? I think that should be the decision of the poster and it is the decision of each and every one of us to decide if we choose to listen/respond, or not.

[jthorne]

Again, not so much "WHAT" but "HOW"!

*sigh* The old support vs judgement debate. How old it gets.

[desertIslandCactus]

It just seems ironic that those who would be insistant of having a thread or even a forum .. just for themselves, and for others who disagree to stay out . .. that these same do not mind entering someone elses marriage, and even to have happy memories of doing so.

 

Also, as for the earlier comment that Love cannot be a negative.. Then possibly this is not 'love'.

 

Love is not boasting, and while being hurtful to others (in a marriage / family, etc).

[KickinCowgirl]

Here's another laugh riot. Picture me holding our daughter as she sobs and cant be consoled. Try to answer her when she asks, "Why is mommy leaving? What did I do? I don't want her to go!" "Neither do I babe but I can't make her stay." .

 

 

Thats pretty frickin sobering... and really sad.

 

I'm sorry HangingOnForNow.

[AngeletteX]

First, this thread was started as a parallel to the one in M&LP – which requested only M’d people respond. Considering this is an OW/OM forum, I didn’t think putting forth a similar request would be such an “issue".

 

Second, the point of this thread is for OW/OM to share what they adore/love/appreciate about their partner.

 

Third, the wonderful things requested were NOT “in exclusion to the negative” but to COUNTERACT all the negativity that appears (unfortunately) on this forum.

 

Forth, I will restate what I said previously. LOVE can never be a negative thing, especially when it is shared and felt between two people.

 

LOVE SHARED is something both parties take comfort in, delight over, enjoy, revel and cherish. It is a warm blanket that wraps the two together on so many different levels and it never ceases to amaze me.

 

Please note: I am not saying that this type of love can “only” be shared between APs…but sadly it appears to me there are those who think it can “only” be shared within certain narrow parameters.

[donnamaybe]

"Love shared" implies there are two people in love, though. Oh, wait. There ARE two people in love. The OW/OM with their AP and the AP with him/herself.

[TarnishedInequity]

Anne1707, I'm not going to answer for Got it but I have to say as a relatively new poster to this forum it feels like most of the inflammatory posts are made towards the OW/OM, which seems inappropriate on this particular forum as it's purpose is for the OW/OM to share and find advice and support.

Sometimes there is good, sound advice given by the BS and sure sometimes its given in a blunt way, which personally I am ok with.

But often there are scathing remarks, rudeness, generalisations and projecting. Threads are often hyjacked, like this one because it just doesnt fit in with what certain posters want to see.

 

Unfortunately it seems like this is the norm here. I thought of starting a thread myself because personally, I get tired of the generalisations made about AP and affairs but I didnt because I didnt want to be inflammatory.

 

There are often generalisations and remarks aimed at OW/OM about their desperation, their naivety, their wickedness, how karma will get them blah blah blah. You very rarely see the same anger directed at the WS in the affair, which I find bizarre. And I cant say I have ever seen any similar scathing, rude and equally ridiculous remarks such as 'you couldnt keep your spouse happy' etc made towards the BS.

 

If the people who project like this are feeling so much anger and frustration, perhaps it would be better and much more productive to channel at the people in their life who deserve it rather than someone on the internet that they dont know and whose circumstances they dont understand.

 

^^^^^ THIS RIGHT HERE ^^^^^

 

While I've never been involved with someone who was married, the one person I did have an "affair" with was a guy who had a girlfriend. Long story short, a year and a half later --- she found out, he stood up to her (told her I'm not going anywhere, he wasn't giving me up/going to stop talking to me/or being with me) and that he was in love with me, and now they are no longer together (his choice; not hers) and we are "tentatively" beginning something of our own as we have other problems to solve and personal qualities that need to be worked through before we make something solid.

 

But! To stay on topic: His dedication to his work and his ability to articulate his thoughts into beautifully constructed sentences. Yes, I love the way he talks! Mmm mmm mmm!

[2themoon&back]

*sigh* The old support vs judgement debate. How old it gets.

 

*yawn* yes your right and to have a deate there always has to be more than one perosn or one side.... what is the point it is all about perception IMO.

 

It is old indeed.