To everyone in an Affair

January 26, 2011

Ladyblue, there's so much pain in your posts.

Earlier you wrote something like you feel cheated because after everything that happened you're alone and he's still with his W, and you still miss him.

I know how much that hurts, I really do. It's ok and normal to feel that way, and I really hope that you will find peace.

But please let go of this shame and self-hatred.

You've had your moments of great remorse and I'm sure you would never do the same thing again. I believe you've done a lot of thinking and made decisions about your future actions.

You've learned what you needed to learn from that experience.

You're only human and like every human - not perfect. We learn about life as we go on and we're not born with the knowledge about everything. Sometimes we need to experience something to understand it.

At the time, the way you felt, made you act in this particular way. At the time it seemed to be the "best" course of action and there were reasons for it.

Now you're not the same person that you were then. So forgive "her", forgive yourself. This is the only way to let go and move forward to a better life. And you deserve it - you really do.

Beating yourself up so much really doesn't serve any good purpose any more.

Your levels of remorse and shame show that you are much more conscientous person than many. So you can really let of it now. Being too lenient for oneself might not be good, but being too harsh is not good either.

And because of what happened you're don't have to be labelled for life as an OW. IT was just an episode in your life, even though a long one. You're not that any more.

So other OW's opinions and attitudes do not reflect on you.

Agree 100%.

These words are true for many of the BW's here as well:

"And because of what happened you're don't have to be labelled for life as an "BW". It was just an episode in your life, even though a long one. You're not that any more."

January 26, 2011

Yes, actually, this is what some posters argued.

Or at least something along these lines.
Read back to see it for yourself.

This is why I wrote what I did.

All I wrote was that I disagree that BS's position is much better than OP's.

But for some it somehow mean that I wrote that OP's position is much better than BS's..

For the love of God.....

Uh, yeah, IME the W has some definite advantages . . .

Here are excerpts from an earlier post of mine on this thread:

Some of you may know that I was the unsuspecting OOW in a relationship. (He presented as divorced.)

He provided a home and an income for his OW, as well as one for his W. His children were away, and I would say he probably spent the majority of his time with his OW. His wife knew about the OW, and he basically lived with the OW during the week, and his wife on weekends, holidays, or when one of his children was home or needed something. He did provide a much finer house for his W, but OW bragged that she helped him pick it out for her. And he did provide a nice home for OW, too.

He and his wife were married 20 years. He and his OW LIVED TOGETHER 10 YEARS. OW had moved cross country with him several times.

Seems he did end his 10 year A a few months later. She was out in the street, a thousand miles from her family, with an old cheap ragged-out car, and a minimum wage job. I heard she had to pack everything she owned in her little car and drive cross country to move in with her married daughter.

The W is still married to him, she is still enjoying all the benefits, their fine lakefront home, their boat, the nice vacations, their family, and being fully supported by him, last I heard.

. . .

yeah I'd say the W usually has some advantages.

January 26, 2011

Uh, yeah, IME the W has some definite advantages . . .

Here are excerpts from an earlier post of mine on this thread:

Some of you may know that I was the unsuspecting OOW in a relationship. (He presented as divorced.)

He provided a home and an income for his OW, as well as one for his W. His children were away, and I would say he probably spent the majority of his time with his OW. His wife knew about the OW, and he basically lived with the OW during the week, and his wife on weekends, holidays, or when one of his children was home or needed something. He did provide a much finer house for his W, but OW bragged that she helped him pick it out for her. And he did provide a nice home for OW, too.

He and his wife were married 20 years. He and his OW LIVED TOGETHER 10 YEARS. OW had moved cross country with him several times.

Seems he did end his 10 year A a few months later. She was out in the street, a thousand miles from her family, with an old cheap ragged-out car, and a minimum wage job. I heard she had to pack everything she owned in her little car and drive cross country to move in with her married daughter.

The W is still married to him, she is still enjoying all the benefits, their fine lakefront home, their boat, the nice vacations, their family, and being fully supported by him, last I heard.

. . .
yeah I'd say the W usually has some advantages.

OK, well this will sound strange, but that's a great set up for the BW and the MM.

If the kids are grown, and they have no plans to get re-married, why not?

They get a divorce without the cost and hassle. I'm surprised more people don't do this.

The wife gets what she wants and the freedom to do what she wants. She doesn't have to worry that she will lose a part of the pie if he gets married again.

The MM can use the excuse that he is married so that he doesn't have to commit to an OW. Why risk losing more of his income to a second or third wife in a divorce?

He can treat women well, take care of them as long as he wants. But, when it's over, it's over. BW still gets her share and he gets to move on.

It's brilliant.

January 27, 2011

I must say ... I have just joined the Lady Blue fan club. She is one smart sassy lady.

Isn't she? I too am a fan!

You always have to consider the source of the argument. Have I told you lately I think you totally rock as a person!

jthorne does rock!

New? How can the love be a "new" love when the MM makes the OW wait years and years and years?

Haven't you been waiting three or four years now?

Sorry, but I find the MM who is so disrespectful as to keep separate relationships with two women going for years and years just as bad or worse than a serial cheater. JMO obviously.

The MM is 'conflicted'. He needs several years to decide if he wants to dump his wife for the OW. As much as he loves the OW, he isn't ready to make the move. So he 'test drives' the situation for....however long the OW allows herself to be used that way. There is nothing romantic or loving about it - it is called using and disrespecting. If the MM loved the OW as much as so many OW claim, they would be together. They would 'man up' and stop the games, stop the sneaking around, stop the playing with OTHERS lives.

It's the selfish "unapologetic" act itself and while hurting others. Others lives are sacrificed whether they are aware of the A or not.

And this thread is proof of the blatent flaunting (laughing) while reflecting on the act.

Exactly.

People are understandably offended when they encounter someone who pursues a course of action with absolutely no care or concern about the damage done to others in the pursuit of that course of action.

People find intense self-centeredness and self-focus at the expense of others distasteful.

And it should hardly be surprsing that people who have been on the recieving end of that "expense" would be more offended/'bitter' about encountering it.

Why would this be a shock? Do you truly expect a different response?

Good post as usual Owl.

Oh, yeah. And THEN he gets up and goes home to his wife! As I'm sitting here three years later, hurting, and missing the jackass, please remind me what's wonderful about that?

And while I'm here, let me just add that yes, I'm angry AND BITTER. Thanks a lot, sister, for making me feel there's something wrong with ME because I feel bitter. Just what am I supposed to feel, when he has promised me the rest of our lives, when he has acted accordingly, and when he still picked his wife?

Hell, yeah, I'm bitter. WTF am I supposed to be?

yep, after all this "real life" stuff the MM and OW do allegedly together, he gets up, puts his pants on and goes home to his wife. Why? Why does he do that?

Precisely.

Two threads, both aimed at insulting or attempting to discount a specific group of posters on this forum.

There's one goal...one "agenda" if you will here, and it has nothing to do with focusing on the positives in anyone's relationship.

Ditto what I said above Owl - great post as usual!

** I find it very interesting that some OW are here insisting things about the MM. Yet, there is no MM here (current MM) to state that what the OW insists is true. Why? How can these OW 'speak' for the MM. They don't know - they only know what they are shown and told -- JUST LIKE THE WIFE. The wife is told and shown she is loved because he continues to stay married. None of the current OW here know what goes on in the MM's home. They make assumptions or repeat the stories that come out of the MM's mouth - he doesn't love her, they don't have sex, etc.

Where are these stand up MM who chose to stop the charade and be honest - with everyone? Why are there so many OW here defending the MM, when very few are even current OW? The OP and her 'sweetheart' -- they are in a long term affair. They play house because at the end of the day, he returns home to his wife and children. She waits and waits - for years - for the "one day".

How many OW - who are CURRENTLY OW - are NOT seeking a future with the MM? How many CURRENT OW are happy with things just as they are - they have no desire for a committed monogamous relationship?

How many CURRENT OW want the MM to leave the marriage? How many CURRENT OW are tired of sharing with the wife?

January 27, 2011

Ladyblue, first of all, I'm sorry for the pain you have experienced. I really and truly mean that. (((hugs)))

It is very interesting to me that none of the resident posters here on this board tried to help you or respond to this post. I am sorry that you aren't getting the support you need from those who have been in a similar situation as an OW. After all, this is what this board is for.

As it is, you do have support from me, a bitter fBW. I am sorry for your heartbreak and the fact that it seems like your xMM was someone you had considered a friend all your life who let you down so badly. I wish you peace and happiness.

Snowflower, your words mean a lot to me. Thank you so much.

I have been surprised at how many really kind and supportive BS's have reached out to me on various threads. It has really touched me. It is very healing.

I too have found it interesting that some of the OW, who I thought could understand, have not responded. I was beginning to wonder if they had put me on "ignore."

January 27, 2011

How many OW - who are CURRENTLY OW - are NOT seeking a future with the MM? How many CURRENT OW are happy with things just as they are - they have no desire for a committed monogamous relationship?

The only person who comes to mind is Lizzie, though she doesn't seem to be on LS anymore.

Each person believes their own truth. What reality is to one in an affair, may not be reality to the other. Many MM are just looking for an affair, nothing more, nothing less..Yes feelings do get in the way and make it confusing and messier, but the fact still remains when push comes to shove 9/10 a MM doesn't leave his marriage.

January 27, 2011

LB, please know that most BW blame their WH's for his choice to have an affair. Most BW's do not hate or wish ill on the OW.

However, if the OW in my case had your attitude she certainly would get returned compassion and sympathy from me. I'm not sure if that is what you want, but I do feel for you and hope that LS can help you sort out your feelings and give you some comfort to help ease your pain.

I really appreciate your post. Of course, compassion and sympathy are always nice. I am amazed and impressed, and very appreciative of the heartfelt messages of encouragement and support I have gotten from a lot of the BS's here. I guess I've really been floored by the kindnesses and just plain good-heartedness of so many who I know have themselves been hurt and betrayed. It's very humbling. It speaks of people with a great capacity for love. I'm not sure if I were a BS, I could be that way.

In sharing my experiences here, I think I wanted to publicly apologize, in some way, to apologize to BS's as a whole. I don't really know how to explain that. I guess I know I cannot make amends to the MM and W whose M I involved myself in, but I wanted to let others know that at lease some of us have remorse for what we did to you. Not that that helps or makes up for anything. I guess I wanted to say publicly that I am remorseful for what I had done. That maybe that would help ease some BS's pain a bit.

I hoped I would find others here, (assuming OW/OM) who could relate to my pain, anger, disappointment, remorse, and could give me some insight into how to process it, how they deal/dealt with it, what helped them get through it all.

I was hoping I would find people like this one:

I don't think I ever actually forgave myself .. Just consider it as one of the many mistakes I've made in life.. Mine was for a few years..

Honestly I just think if we're lucky enough to walk away and find ourselves again (the same strong independent woman as before) .. then we're lucky enough.

Lesson learned, on my part ..

Or this one:

I think it has taken more time for me to forgive myself than for my dear wife to forgive me. It took a long time to not feel like scum of the earth every time I thought about the OW and what I did to my family.

I hoped to release the pain believing the affair lies caused me, and find a supportive place to grieve.

I appreciate everyone here who has shared their experiences and/or insights.

January 27, 2011

Its pretty bad when people who've already posted in this thread with one name, come back and comment with one of their sock puppets later.

January 27, 2011

.

Ladyblue, There are stages of grief. You will get through it .. and to the other side - stronger than ever .. ..

January 27, 2011

Isn't she? I too am a fan!

Does that make ME a celebrity now? Does it, huh, does it? :bunny:

jthorne does rock!

Yes, she does.

The MM is 'conflicted'. He needs several years to decide if he wants to dump his wife for the OW. As much as he loves the OW, he isn't ready to make the move. So he 'test drives' the situation for....however long the OW allows herself to be used that way. There is nothing romantic or loving about it - it is called using and disrespecting. If the MM loved the OW as much as so many OW claim, they would be together. They would 'man up' and stop the games, stop the sneaking around, stop the playing with OTHERS lives.

Several years to decide, my @ss! I think they are either just players, users, selfish pigs --- and/or they are living in fantasyland. I don't think they spend two minutes agonizing over what they should do. If they agonize over anything, it's how to get more strange-time without getting caught.

I think every one of them knows deep down inside they don't want to leave the W. And they will tell us whatever is necessary to maintain the status quo.

Well, there is the occasional exception who was going to leave anyway.

And you are right. There IS NOTHING loving or romantic about it!

Exactly.

Good post as usual Owl.

Owl's posts are always great!

yep, after all this "real life" stuff the MM and OW do allegedly together, he gets up, puts his pants on and goes home to his wife. Why? Why does he do that?

I can answer this one. Cause home with his W is where he wants to be when he gets through playing!

Ditto what I said above Owl - great post as usual!

** I find it very interesting that some OW are here insisting things about the MM. Yet, there is no MM here (current MM) to state that what the OW insists is true. Why? How can these OW 'speak' for the MM. They don't know - they only know what they are shown and told -- JUST LIKE THE WIFE. The wife is told and shown she is loved because he continues to stay married. None of the current OW here know what goes on in the MM's home. They make assumptions or repeat the stories that come out of the MM's mouth - he doesn't love her, they don't have sex, etc.

Where are these stand up MM who chose to stop the charade and be honest - with everyone?

I think I've only read of one man here- who spoke for himself -who met the OW, fell in love, left and came back when he had a signed divorce and a ring. I can't remember his name, Hays? I can't remember. Some of you will recognize the story. He loved and respected the OW. He divorced and married her asap and they have lived happily for 30 years, or some long time like that. That's the only one I can think of.

Why are there so many OW here defending the MM, when very few are even current OW? The OP and her 'sweetheart' -- they are in a long term affair. They play house because at the end of the day, he returns home to his wife and children. She waits and waits - for years - for the "one day".

Hmm. That sounds strangely familiar.

How many OW - who are CURRENTLY OW - are NOT seeking a future with the MM? How many CURRENT OW are happy with things just as they are - they have no desire for a committed monogamous relationship?

How many CURRENT OW want the MM to leave the marriage? How many CURRENT OW are tired of sharing with the wife?

To answer your last two paragraphs, I would say probably somewhere close to 99.9% of us would/would have wanted MM/MW all to ourselves.

Of course, I say that, knowing that there will be one or two who will respond that they lived their life on their terms, they only wanted hot sex with any MM who caught their fancy, that every MM serviced them on their terms and their time schedule, that every MM who they screwed fell in love with them and wanted to marry them, that they dumped every MM who fell in love with them, until they met one they somehow decided they loved, and that when they snapped their little finger, that MM immediately jumped at the chance to M them, the MM's friends and children rejoiced and reveled in the betrayal and dumping of the BW, and the subsequent M of the blessed couple, and they all lived happily ever after, except for the BW, who was bat**** crazy and had to be committed to a hospital for treatment.

But the rest of us were dying for that monogamous committed relationship.

Edited January 27, 2011 by Ladyblue

January 27, 2011

To answer your last two paragraphs, I would say probably somewhere close to 99.9% of us would/would have wanted MM/MW all to ourselves.

Of course, I say that, knowing that there will be one or two who will respond that they lived their life on their terms, they only wanted hot sex with any MM who caught their fancy, that every MM serviced them on their terms and their time schedule, that every MM who they screwed fell in love with them and wanted to marry them, that they dumped every MM who fell in love with them, until they met one they somehow decided they loved, and that when they snapped their little finger, that MM immediately jumped at the chance to M them, the MM's friends and children rejoiced and reveled in the betrayal and dumping of the BW, and the subsequent M of the blessed couple, and they all lived happily ever after, except for the BW, who was bat**** crazy and had to be committed to a hospital for treatment.

But the rest of us were dying for that monogamous committed relationship.

I am an OW who loved her mm. I still love him. There was no drama, no worries.

I dont feel that the affair was a mistake. If he had been single it might have been different. Love is love. It doesnt take away from his marriage anymore than it takes away from my ideals.

January 27, 2011

I never wanted him to leave. Let me repeat: I never wanted him to leave. Not because I don't want HIM, but because I want absolutely nothing to do with his W, and I knew that because of the kids she will always be a part of his life. He never bad-mouthed her or their relationship. In fact, I know very little of what their home life is like and I want to keep it this way. I have heard her on the phone with him numerous times, long before he and I got involved, and I based my opinion of her on her behaviour alone. BS or not - she is NOT someone I want to have any contact with. Period. So as far as I'm concerned, there were never any expectations of happilyeverafter. None. It was what it was, there are still some residual feelings and contact, on both sides, but that's all it will ever be. They will continue to live as they see fit, and raise their family as they have been doing for over 20 years. It all works for them and their dynamics, and that's all that matters.

January 27, 2011

I never wanted him to leave. Let me repeat: I never wanted him to leave. Not because I don't want HIM, but because I want absolutely nothing to do with his W, and I knew that because of the kids she will always be a part of his life. He never bad-mouthed her or their relationship. In fact, I know very little of what their home life is like and I want to keep it this way. I have heard her on the phone with him numerous times, long before he and I got involved, and I based my opinion of her on her behaviour alone. BS or not - she is NOT someone I want to have any contact with. Period. So as far as I'm concerned, there were never any expectations of happilyeverafter. None. It was what it was, there are still some residual feelings and contact, on both sides, but that's all it will ever be. They will continue to live as they see fit, and raise their family as they have been doing for over 20 years. It all works for them and their dynamics, and that's all that matters.

It will be ok. You are wonderful.

January 27, 2011

Thanks, Sid. I'm actually doing very well. I just got a huge promotion at work, so I'm very busy and focused on my own life. XMM on the other hand, well let's just say that he is currently facing some major financial issues. I feel very bad for him, and I wish him well, but his life is not my life. Let his W hold his hand through these obstacles.

And sid, you are wonderful too!

January 27, 2011

Thanks, Sid. I'm actually doing very well. I just got a huge promotion at work, so I'm very busy and focused on my own life. XMM on the other hand, well let's just say that he is currently facing some major financial issues. I feel very bad for him, and I wish him well, but his life is not my life. Let his W hold his hand through these obstacles.

And sid, you are wonderful too!

Best of luck, sweety. You deserve it!

January 27, 2011

Where did I say that anything is more or less demeaning to anyone?

I only replied to someone who claimed that MM truly love their W and have REAL family life with them, while just "pretending" with OW.

I think it's ridiculous to say that. There's nothing real about a M and a family, when one of the spouses is cheating and the life of a BS is not a bed of roses and her/his situation better than OP's.

Awwww Ellin, don't say thaaaat!

Don't you know it "hurts" their feelings?!

God forbid, we might touch a nerve. Apparently like this thread.

Which has gone COMPLETELY off topic. *sigh*

January 27, 2011

Then why, in nearly every case, does the MM beg to stay with his "real family" after D day?

Thank you for using the word "nearly" - which leaves the flip side of the coin open.

And that would mean SOME MM will choose to be with their AP. And SOME MM will choose to get D'd in order to forge a new life with their AP. And SOME MM will be infinitely happier.

Does that make his new life "not real"?

What I hate seeing on this OW/OM forum - is the one sideded viewpoint of "all A's are doomed". Nothing could be further from the truth.

January 27, 2011

The only person who comes to mind is Lizzie, though she doesn't seem to be on LS anymore.

Each person believes their own truth. What reality is to one in an affair, may not be reality to the other. Many MM are just looking for an affair, nothing more, nothing less..Yes feelings do get in the way and make it confusing and messier, but the fact still remains when push comes to shove 9/10 a MM doesn't leave his marriage.

But that mean 1 out of 10 DOES, doesn't it?

January 27, 2011

AND BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGAM:

I love how we're always creating memories for each other with everything we do!

January 27, 2011

AND BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGAM:

I love how we're always creating memories for each other with everything we do!

Actually your opening post defined what this thread was about:

"I'm curious to see if it's possible to have similar results here, in terms of people respecting such a request."

You then picked a topic calculated to be inflammatory, and voilà your curiosity was satisfied. Anything else is flogging the horse.

January 27, 2011

AND BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGAM:

I love how we're always creating memories for each other with everything we do!

Angelette, How long have you been with the MM ?

January 27, 2011

The same could be said about alleged W/H. Just saying...

I don't care if some BBS on an internet forum doesn't believe my M is real - it's real enough for two countries to consider it so, and for all our friends and family and colleagues and neighbours to celebrate it.

Just today my H was posting holiday snaps on FB, and everyone was commenting on how in love we still are

January 27, 2011

You're kidding right? The wife has known the mm for 20 plus years sometimes. She has known him before he became this midlife crises alien. She has known him as a kind and loving man who cared for his family. She has known him as HONEST. The ow on the other hand only knows him as the deceitful liar he has become. I don't even get why you would have a first experience with the married man knowing he is lying cheating and sneaking. THAT IS DEMEANING. Having to sneak around to be together, knowing from your first kiss you are the naught forbidden secret in HIS eyes. Oh and that naughtiness makes it so much more enticing.

Or, as in my case, the BW has known who she THOUGHT the MM was, and clung to her delusion for 30 years, never bothering to check it against reality despite the continually widening gulf between her projection and reality - as attested by everyone who knew them as a couple. The OW, OTOH, gets to know him without those delusional projections, invested over decades, and in seeing him for who he really is unlocks in him a realisation that Rs aren't always about living past each other and forcing your own views and projections onto another, allowing him to recognise in himself the person he has had to suppress for decades in the presence of the BW. The MM can be himself, truly and honestly, without the inversion and perversion demanded by his M. His integrity is restored and he attains full selfhood once more.

And the whole world celebrates

January 27, 2011

AND BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGAM:

I love how we're always creating memories for each other with everything we do!

yes - just the other day we sharing some of those with new friends, and realising just how lucky we were - and still are

January 27, 2011

You always have to consider the source of the argument.

Exactly!! Yet when some OWs warn new OPs that most of the nastiness being flung at them is coming from BBSs and ROWs, some people in those categories take offence... Can't have it both ways, but I guess some people are happy with their own double standards.

Sign In

To everyone in an Affair

Recommended Posts

herenow

Fieldsofgold

herenow

fooled once

Ladyblue

whichwayisup

Ladyblue

NoIDidn't

desertIslandCactus

Ladyblue

Sidtheskid

redcurls

Sidtheskid

redcurls

Sidtheskid

AngeletteX

AngeletteX

AngeletteX

AngeletteX

SidLyon

desertIslandCactus

OWoman

OWoman

OWoman

OWoman

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...