To everyone in an Affair

[NoIDidn't]

I repeat: the original point of this thread was to counter balance all the negativity that I have read.

 

I suggest if you find this thread distasteful or "hurtful" in anyway, it's very easy to ignore it and not read it.

 

You are getting ahead of yourself.

 

I asked a question.

 

I asked others if this thread has been helpful to them.

 

Let them answer.

 

Thanks.

 

[NoIDidn't]

The bolded- Let's be for real... in that case, there is something def wrong with the MM. That shouldn't even be an argument. I do get what you are saying and I also agree, but that's already psyche issues.

 

But there was always something wrong with the MM is what most would have already been telling the OW.

 

But she only sees it when he does it to her.

 

Before she is content to blame his W for everything.

 

That's my point.

[Mimolicious]

isn't it funny how alleged non-BSs get so riled up on their behalf, even when all someone did was describe the facts of their own situation...

 

The same could be said about alleged W/H. Just saying...

[donnamaybe]

My experience, and what I read here a lot on LS, is that the man waffles back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

 

How can you say, "Ermm, no, thank you," when the OW keeps taking him back, just as the W keeps taking him back?

 

How is it more demeaning for the W to keep taking her H back, than it is for the AP to keep letting him come back during their secret interludes?

 

I don't get that.

Less demeaning for the W, in my opinion, as she doesn't KNOW she's sharing.

[Ladyblue]

Nah - please, aren't you being a wee bit dramatic? Shocked and dismayed? No.

 

I just don't understand why this thread is such a hot button. Why shouldn't OW/OM share what's great and wonderful and fantastic about their partners?

 

Such things DO exist in this world, you know. And considering it's a PUBLIC forum......

 

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND? REALLY?

 

It's my opinion that you're deliberately trying to be inflamatory, because it'd take a sick and twisted f*#ker not to be able to figure it out.

 

It's kinda like this:

 

When the bull puts up a valiant fight before the matador kills it, everyone cheers. Calls it a great bullfight.

 

Such things DO exist in this world, you know. Should we be happy for the matador?

 

When #*&k's d8gs won the fights, the people betting on them were really happy!

 

Such things DO exist in this world, you know. And a LOT of people REALLY DO enjoy it!

 

Should we be happy for them?

 

Same thing with an affair.

 

The vast majority of affairs that happen cause incredible pain and suffering and devastation to the BS, and often there are children who are devastated, too.

 

During my affair, I did realize that no matter how it ended, someone would be hurt, and that DID grieve me A LOT.

 

I think only a sociopath could be happy for someone whose happiness comes at the expense of another's suffering.

 

I really wish you'd think these things through before you post. As an OW myself, I'm tired of a select few OW making the rest of us look like a bunch of thoughtless, heartless d#mba$$e$.

[greengoddess]

My experience, and what I read here a lot on LS, is that the man waffles back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

 

How can you say, "Ermm, no, thank you," when the OW keeps taking him back, just as the W keeps taking him back?

 

How is it more demeaning for the W to keep taking her H back, than it is for the AP to keep letting him come back during their secret interludes?

 

I don't get that.

 

You're kidding right? The wife has known the mm for 20 plus years sometimes. She has known him before he became this midlife crises alien. She has known him as a kind and loving man who cared for his family. She has known him as HONEST. The ow on the other hand only knows him as the deceitful liar he has become. I don't even get why you would have a first experience with the married man knowing he is lying cheating and sneaking. THAT IS DEMEANING. Having to sneak around to be together, knowing from your first kiss you are the naught forbidden secret in HIS eyes. Oh and that naughtiness makes it so much more enticing.

[greengoddess]

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND? REALLY?

 

It's my opinion that you're deliberately trying to be inflamatory, because it'd take a sick and twisted f*#ker not to be able to figure it out.

 

It's kinda like this:

 

When the bull puts up a valiant fight before the matador kills it, everyone cheers. Calls it a great bullfight.

 

Such things DO exist in this world, you know. Should we be happy for the matador?

 

When #*&k's d8gs won the fights, the people betting on them were really happy!

 

Such things DO exist in this world, you know. And a LOT of people REALLY DO enjoy it!

 

Should we be happy for them?

 

Same thing with an affair.

 

The vast majority of affairs that happen cause incredible pain and suffering and devastation to the BS, and often there are children who are devastated, too.

 

During my affair, I did realize that no matter how it ended, someone would be hurt, and that DID grieve me A LOT.

 

I think only a sociopath could be happy for someone whose happiness comes at the expense of another's suffering.

 

I really wish you'd think these things through before you post. As an OW myself, I'm tired of a select few OW making the rest of us look like a bunch of thoughtless, heartless d#mba$$e$.

 

 

Very nice and thoughtful post. It's sad to make ow out to be such thoughtless predators.

[donnamaybe]

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND? REALLY?

 

It's my opinion that you're deliberately trying to be inflamatory, because it'd take a sick and twisted f*#ker not to be able to figure it out.

 

It's kinda like this:

 

When the bull puts up a valiant fight before the matador kills it, everyone cheers. Calls it a great bullfight.

 

Such things DO exist in this world, you know. Should we be happy for the matador?

 

When #*&k's d8gs won the fights, the people betting on them were really happy!

 

Such things DO exist in this world, you know. And a LOT of people REALLY DO enjoy it!

 

Should we be happy for them?

 

Same thing with an affair.

 

The vast majority of affairs that happen cause incredible pain and suffering and devastation to the BS, and often there are children who are devastated, too.

 

During my affair, I did realize that no matter how it ended, someone would be hurt, and that DID grieve me A LOT.

 

I think only a sociopath could be happy for someone whose happiness comes at the expense of another's suffering.

 

I really wish you'd think these things through before you post. As an OW myself, I'm tired of a select few OW making the rest of us look like a bunch of thoughtless, heartless d#mba$$e$.

YOU ROCK!!!!!

[Owl]

As an OW myself, I'm tired of a select few OW making the rest of us look like a bunch of thoughtless, heartless d#mba$$e$.

 

LB, I'd like to point out to you that most of us, especially the "long time posters", recognize that there are a few posters here with "an agenda".

 

And the vast majority of us can recognize the ones that are here for support/advice, as opposed to "an agenda".

 

Hang in there friend.

[Mimolicious]

I'm not quite sure why people find "unapologetic" OWs so offensive.

 

As long as a situation keeps me happy, then I will continue to engage in it.

If it no longer makes me happy it will be MY CHOICE to leave.

 

ANGER at the dishonesty will certainly occur - but there is nothing to be "bitter" about.

 

 

That's cute and all.

 

Let me ask you though, you are all happy and stuff, good for you! But, your MM is all riddled up, making up lies (cause I am sure somehow he has to lie to his W), calculating his next breakaway, keeping up the facade, hiding, deleting, all corners covered at all times (Shyte! I am tired for him, Pfft!) so where is the love in its pure form?

 

"If you love someone you want nothing but happiness for them". Where is the peace in this?

 

Are you just getting your rocks off, making yourself happy? Is there a possibility that one day you can wake up and say FACK MM and on to the next? Just wondering...

[NoIDidn't]

I repeat: the original point of this thread was to counter balance all the negativity that I have read.

 

I suggest if you find this thread distasteful or "hurtful" in anyway, it's very easy to ignore it and not read it.

 

Actually the above is NOT TRUE considering the OP to this thread below.

 

There is a thread in the M&LP section which specifically states "no OW/mistresses or OM please" when it comes to responses. So far that request seems to be respected.

 

I'm curious to see if it's possible to have similar results here, in terms of people respecting such a request.

 

So ladies and gents - those who find themselves "involved with a committed partner" - name one thing you absolutely adore about your partner (no BS or individuals who have never experienced being in an A please).

 

I'll start -

I love the way we're always laughing with each other, especially all the inside jokes we share together that nobody else is privy to!

 

This thread seemed to take issue with another thread in another forum (at that).

 

Says nothing at all about counter balancing negativity. Especially as the other thread wasn't negative.

[Mimolicious]

People are understandably offended when they encounter someone who pursues a course of action with absolutely no care or concern about the damage done to others in the pursuit of that course of action.

 

People find intense self-centeredness and self-focus at the expense of others distasteful.

 

And it should hardly be surprsing that people who have been on the recieving end of that "expense" would be more offended/'bitter' about encountering it.

 

Why would this be a shock? Do you truly expect a different response?

 

That "someone" may be someone who is badly damaged in many ways. It can come from surpressed issues, insecurity, abused childhood, chemical inbalances, etc... I dont think people choose to be disfunctional, sometimes they really can't help themselves. It's second nature to their persona.

[Ellin]

My experience, and what I read here a lot on LS, is that the man waffles back and forth, back and forth, back and forth.

 

How can you say, "Ermm, no, thank you," when the OW keeps taking him back, just as the W keeps taking him back?

 

How is it more demeaning for the W to keep taking her H back, than it is for the AP to keep letting him come back during their secret interludes?

 

I don't get that.

 

Where did I say that anything is more or less demeaning to anyone?

 

I only replied to someone who claimed that MM truly love their W and have REAL family life with them, while just "pretending" with OW.

 

I think it's ridiculous to say that. There's nothing real about a M and a family, when one of the spouses is cheating and the life of a BS is not a bed of roses and her/his situation better than OP's.

[donnamaybe]

I only replied to someone who claimed that MM truly love their W and have REAL family life with them, while just "pretending" with OW.

 

I think it's ridiculous to say that. There's nothing real about a M and a family, when one of the spouses is cheating and the life of a BS is not a bed of roses and her/his situation better than OP's.

Then why, in nearly every case, does the MM beg to stay with his "real family" after D day?

[NoIDidn't]

Where did I say that anything is more or less demeaning to anyone?

 

I only replied to someone who claimed that MM truly love their W and have REAL family life with them, while just "pretending" with OW.

 

I think it's ridiculous to say that. There's nothing real about a M and a family, when one of the spouses is cheating and the life of a BS is not a bed of roses and her/his situation better than OP's.

 

Why is it ridiculous to say that the MM is pretending with the OW. That is what he's doing.

 

Especially when you often hear the MM here call their home life their "real" life.

 

These men are in it for the escape most of the time. Its pretending.

[Ellin]

Okay, this just makes the poster sound jealous, bitter (yes, BITTER) and terribly mean spirited.

 

The "joys" of being a person who's lied to and betrayed? I don't think anyone around here thinks that is a joyous role.

 

I will tell you what I think bothers me about some of the "OW" posts.

 

There are a few of the "unapologetic" who don't make my skin crawl at all. I don't think it's "okay" to carry on with somebody's spouse. I would like promises to be kept, and the romantic dream of marriage to be able to be real. I would like my "sisters" to agree to some kind of a code involving hands off of another woman's mate. But, at least if you are going to do it, I appreciate the attitude that says, "I'm doing what I want to do, it pleases me, it works for me, f*** y'all."

 

There have always been "mistresses," there has always been infidelity, and there have always been some cases where the mistress and the unfaithful man go on to live happily as a couple.

 

What DOES make my skin crawl, really badly, is the "true love, lost love, rekindled love, soul soul soul soul soulmate" talk that a different style of the "unapologetic" invariably use. Their affair partner NEVER has sex with his wife. He would NEVER mess around with yet another woman. He IS going to leave his wife for her ... he hasn't yet for two, five, ten years, but he's gonna. Because, it's rekindled soulmate lost love.

 

The magic Cinderella fantasy of romantic love in marriage is difficult enough to reconcile with the reality of sharing ones life with another. Applying the same BS to a "side" relationship is ... more than annoying, and profoundly dishonest.

 

There is plenty of lying in extramarital affairs; I guess the piece that I find the most difficult to stomach is the part where the "back door woman" is so profoundly investing in lying to herself.

 

Or, maybe it's the part where some of the "others" seem to take gleeful pride in their role in betraying another unaware human being.

 

My goodness, I don't feel anything near what you described.

 

I explain in my above post what I meant and I don't see anything wrong with that.

 

I don't know why people read in my post things that aren't there.

Please try to take me LITERALLY, cheers.

[NoIDidn't]

My goodness, I don't feel anything near what you described.

 

I explain in my above post what I meant and I don't see anything wrong with that.

 

I don't know why people read in my post things that aren't there.

Please try to take me LITERALLY, cheers.

 

So you literally believe that their is "joy" in being a BS?

[Mimolicious]

But there was always something wrong with the MM is what most would have already been telling the OW.

 

But she only sees it when he does it to her.

 

Before she is content to blame his W for everything.

 

That's my point.

 

 

And I share it with you.

[Ellin]

So you literally believe that their is "joy" in being a BS?

 

Sorry, I thought you could understand obvious sarcasm.

[Ellin]

The "joys" of being a person who's lied to and betrayed? I don't think anyone around here thinks that is a joyous role.

 

.

Yes, actually, this is what some posters argued.

 

Or at least something along these lines.

Read back to see it for yourself.

 

This is why I wrote what I did.

 

All I wrote was that I disagree that BS's position is much better than OP's.

 

But for some it somehow mean that I wrote that OP's position is much better than BS's..

 

For the love of God.....

[donnamaybe]

Someone who KNOWS they are sharing their man/woman with someone else is, IMO, in a worse position than the person who DOESN'T know in that there must be some major issues to put up with that kind of treatment knowingly.

[Ladyblue]

Very nice and thoughtful post. It's sad to make ow out to be such thoughtless predators.

 

Yes ma'am. You're absolutely right. I WAS A PREDATOR. However, unlike a select few OW here like to portray, I did have times of great remorse, there were times when I was horrified at what I had done, what I had become, and I could not stand to face myself.

 

That's why I have so much shame about it today. And bitterness, both at what I became, what I accepted into my life, and what I encouraged the man I allegedly loved to become.

 

I have posted about much of that, at length.

 

What I hate is when other OW get on the board and gloat about how joyfully and gleefully they conduct their affairs, as though they never gave a thought in the world to the pain they might be inflicting on unsuspecting and innocent others. As though the A never caused them any personal pain, either.

 

IMO, it is totally deceptive to portray an A as a total celebration, not mentionining the fact that many OW deal with personal torment at the violation of their own standards, the pain of being torn between what they so desperately want and what the reality is. The fact of living as a second-class side piece.

 

I realize this in no way compares to the pain of the WS's W and family.

 

I'm just saying that to portray an A as all roses is IMO TOTALLY DECEPTIVE, TOTALLY unhelpful to anyone involved an A, and can't possibly be posted for any purpose other than twisting the knife in the BS's back. IMHO. If an OW can't understand why people don't celebrate the delusion of the affair being all roses with her, she either has a vicious and vindictive agenda, or a serious and dangerous personality disorder.

 

IMHO.

[NoIDidn't]

Sorry, I thought you could understand obvious sarcasm.

 

Of course, I knew it was sarcasm. But you just pleaded to be taken literally.

 

LOL

[herenow]

Yes ma'am. You're absolutely right. I WAS A PREDATOR. However, unlike a select few OW here like to portray, I did have times of great remorse, there were times when I was horrified at what I had done, what I had become, and I could not stand to face myself.

 

That's why I have so much shame about it today. And bitterness, both at what I became, what I accepted into my life, and what I encouraged the man I allegedly loved to become.

 

I have posted about much of that, at length.

 

What I hate is when other OW get on the board and gloat about how joyfully and gleefully they conduct their affairs, as though they never gave a thought in the world to the pain they might be inflicting on unsuspecting and innocent others. As though the A never caused them any personal pain, either.

 

IMO, it is totally deceptive to portray an A as a total celebration, not mentionining the fact that many OW deal with personal torment at the violation of their own standards, the pain of being torn between what they so desperately want and what the reality is. The fact of living as a second-class side piece.

 

I realize this in no way compares to the pain of the WS's W and family.

 

I'm just saying that to portray an A as all roses is IMO TOTALLY DECEPTIVE, TOTALLY unhelpful to anyone involved an A, and can't possibly be posted for any purpose other than twisting the knife in the BS's back. IMHO. If an OW can't understand why people don't celebrate the delusion of the affair being all roses with her, she either has a vicious and vindictive agenda, or a serious and dangerous personality disorder.

 

IMHO.

 

LB, please know that most BW blame their WH's for his choice to have an affair. Most BW's do not hate or wish ill on the OW.

 

However, if the OW in my case had your attitude she certainly would get returned compassion and sympathy from me. I'm not sure if that is what you want, but I do feel for you and hope that LS can help you sort out your feelings and give you some comfort to help ease your pain.

[Ellin]

Yes ma'am. You're absolutely right. I WAS A PREDATOR. However, unlike a select few OW here like to portray, I did have times of great remorse, there were times when I was horrified at what I had done, what I had become, and I could not stand to face myself.

 

That's why I have so much shame about it today. And bitterness, both at what I became, what I accepted into my life, and what I encouraged the man I allegedly loved to become.

 

I have posted about much of that, at length.

 

What I hate is when other OW get on the board and gloat about how joyfully and gleefully they conduct their affairs, as though they never gave a thought in the world to the pain they might be inflicting on unsuspecting and innocent others. As though the A never caused them any personal pain, either.

 

IMO, it is totally deceptive to portray an A as a total celebration, not mentionining the fact that many OW deal with personal torment at the violation of their own standards, the pain of being torn between what they so desperately want and what the reality is. The fact of living as a second-class side piece.

 

I realize this in no way compares to the pain of the WS's W and family.

 

I'm just saying that to portray an A as all roses is IMO TOTALLY DECEPTIVE, TOTALLY unhelpful to anyone involved an A, and can't possibly be posted for any purpose other than twisting the knife in the BS's back. IMHO. If an OW can't understand why people don't celebrate the delusion of the affair being all roses with her, she either has a vicious and vindictive agenda, or a serious and dangerous personality disorder.

 

IMHO.

 

Ladyblue, there's so much pain in your posts.

 

Earlier you wrote something like you feel cheated because after everything that happened you're alone and he's still with his W, and you still miss him.

 

I know how much that hurts, I really do. It's ok and normal to feel that way, and I really hope that you will find peace.

 

But please let go of this shame and self-hatred.

 

You've had your moments of great remorse and I'm sure you would never do the same thing again. I believe you've done a lot of thinking and made decisions about your future actions.

 

You've learned what you needed to learn from that experience.

 

You're only human and like every human - not perfect. We learn about life as we go on and we're not born with the knowledge about everything. Sometimes we need to experience something to understand it.

 

At the time, the way you felt, made you act in this particular way. At the time it seemed to be the "best" course of action and there were reasons for it.

 

Now you're not the same person that you were then. So forgive "her", forgive yourself. This is the only way to let go and move forward to a better life. And you deserve it - you really do.

 

Beating yourself up so much really doesn't serve any good purpose any more.

 

Your levels of remorse and shame show that you are much more conscientous person than many. So you can really let of it now. Being too lenient for oneself might not be good, but being too harsh is not good either.

 

And because of what happened you're don't have to be labelled for life as an OW. IT was just an episode in your life, even though a long one. You're not that any more.

 

So other OW's opinions and attitudes do not reflect on you.

Edited January 26, 2011 by Ellin