GreenPolicy Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 I know NC is best for me, but wondering what they're up to, who they might be with, that kills me at times. Will she marry the next guy she dates? I know I have to let go and move on, because she has. But it's the living with uncertainty that hurts. NC is best for you, but it's a mixed blessing in some respects. You love and care about them, but it prevents you from being aware of their destiny.
rhonian Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Im living it REALTIME, brother! Stay on LS and you will find strength in realizing that you ARE NOT alone........
HopeisallIhave Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Greenpolicy I know exactly what you mean.
jsb58 Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 New here. NC means No Contact? If you are in No Contact, then you are no longer a part of their destiny. Why spend your time pondering their destiny when you can ponder your own? Is it out of hope that you might be a part of their destiny again one day?
fiat500 Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Yeah. I keep imagining my ex on dates and having a great time. I hope I'll become numb to it sooner or later.
Author GreenPolicy Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 New here. NC means No Contact? If you are in No Contact, then you are no longer a part of their destiny. Why spend your time pondering their destiny when you can ponder your own? Is it out of hope that you might be a part of their destiny again one day? Yeah. Hope is hard-wired into your heart. You can't let go so easily. It's part of the healing process.
SCG_Sasa1111 Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 very true. I agree with everything you have said. I am going through this now also..its the worst pain in the world
andrew23 Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 I feel for you. Same thing for me. I wish I was part of her destiny and future, but it seems to be slipping away. Best thing is to try not to think about it, find someone new to distract you. I sometimes imagine myself as a billionaire... would she have left me then? Would I have been with her? Just a thought.
Capital P Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Well Andrew, do everything in your power to become a billionaire. Im not joking. I am n my way to being a multi millionaire and my aim is a billion, and i started on my own, in my bedroom, taking the world on. A break up is a good time to look at your life and work out where it is going
andrew23 Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Cap P. Thats the plan, and am on the right track :-) But not doing it for her!! p.s. Good for you!
bl22 Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 I know NC is best for me, but wondering what they're up to, who they might be with, that kills me at times. Will she marry the next guy she dates? I know I have to let go and move on, because she has. But it's the living with uncertainty that hurts. NC is best for you, but it's a mixed blessing in some respects. You love and care about them, but it prevents you from being aware of their destiny. it works both ways, theyl be curious themselves if the relationship was a good 1.
WTRanger Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 While you are worried about your ex's destiny, your destiny will pass right by you. If you have to drop a cinder block on your nuts every time, you have to start to teach yourself to not think about them in those regards. You are spending a lot of effort on someone. who is in all regards, dead to you. How about thinking about YOU meeting that next special someone? How about thinking if the next person YOU meet is the one YOU will marry? I feel like a broken record lately in stating that if you spend your time thinking about the ex, you will get no where.
Author GreenPolicy Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 While you are worried about your ex's destiny, your destiny will pass right by you. If you have to drop a cinder block on your nuts every time, you have to start to teach yourself to not think about them in those regards. You are spending a lot of effort on someone. who is in all regards, dead to you. How about thinking about YOU meeting that next special someone? How about thinking if the next person YOU meet is the one YOU will marry? I feel like a broken record lately in stating that if you spend your time thinking about the ex, you will get no where. I know, it's hard. My brain I think is where it needs to be, but my heart is not.
mmiller5373 Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 I know NC is best for me, but wondering what they're up to, who they might be with, that kills me at times. Will she marry the next guy she dates? I know I have to let go and move on, because she has. But it's the living with uncertainty that hurts. NC is best for you, but it's a mixed blessing in some respects. You love and care about them, but it prevents you from being aware of their destiny. I hear ya... I think about this a lot. I know she's with someone else now and I constantly ask myself; does she love him? Will she marry him? I want to know what's going through her mind, cause I havent talked with her since September. I want to tell her about my life too. But we have to face the fact that they're gone; they're not coming back. We need to find someone better for ourselves.
NeNinja Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 I don't think the hardest part is the uncertainty. I know I can't control her 'destiny' so I try to keep it out of mind. The hardest part for me has been the lack of contact for the sake of contact. It's hard not to call her when I'm on my way home from work because that is when we talked every single day. It's hard not to text her when something reminds me of a million and one different 'us' things. But I don't because I respect myself. I respect her and I respect that what she wants is space.
REALM123 Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 Buddy, I know how hard that is... obviously going through the same feelings and emotions. One thing I have realized through all the pain is that no matter the outcome... everything has a reason and lessons. So what happens now is an emotion of your inability to find someone that is her... But the best part... YOU will find someone that is a better upgrade... it comes with fixing yourself first. Dont really want you to think about it... but what if she is thinking what you are thinking? She sees you are still sad and depressed...? Wouldn't she be in control then? Take your life by the horns and control it... start doing things that distract you. You will get over this just like I will... it just comes with time, self realization and the mind... the mind is a dangerous place buddy... best you start thinking about you without her.
Movingthrough Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 It is hard and i see what the OP is saying. I actually had a dream last night that my ex got knocked up by the guy she was with. And it was like this voice in my head said "thats what you have to be prepared for, so you dont care". In other words, even if something drastic like that happened with one of our exes, you have to not care in the first place, that is the ultimate goal, to where nothing that happens to them matters. Im at the point now where i think of her and i dont even know why half the time. To me that is saying the end is near as far as me caring about her so its good. It is easier said then done, but we have to get to the point where their life just doesnt matter to us.
Author GreenPolicy Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 It is hard and i see what the OP is saying. I actually had a dream last night that my ex got knocked up by the guy she was with. And it was like this voice in my head said "thats what you have to be prepared for, so you dont care". In other words, even if something drastic like that happened with one of our exes, you have to not care in the first place, that is the ultimate goal, to where nothing that happens to them matters. Im at the point now where i think of her and i dont even know why half the time. To me that is saying the end is near as far as me caring about her so its good. It is easier said then done, but we have to get to the point where their life just doesnt matter to us. I have had that fear, that she will marry the next guy she gets involved with. What NC does is prevents me from knowing her destiny. I like that. NC gets us to a place where we are indifferent to them and don't care. For instance, I never dated this girl, but when I was in my twenties, there was the girl I liked that I carried a torch for for a very long time. She always kept me at arms length and never encouraged anything. We lived in different cities. At a certain point I accepted that nothing would ever happen between us. Then lo and behold she started coming on strong and invited me to visit her one wkend. We didn't have sex, but we fooled around a lot and I thought that finally after all this time something romantic was developing between us. Well of course after that wkend was over she made it clear that she didn't want anything further to happen between us. I was crushed. But eventually I got over it. I'm fb friends with her now years later and I see she is in a serious r/l with somebody else, but I don't care. I made peace with it years ago and it doesn't bother me. Eventually I want to get to a place with my ex where what she does doesn't matter to me. But that is years away. I need NC.
0hpenelope Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 I have had that fear, that she will marry the next guy she gets involved with. What NC does is prevents me from knowing her destiny. I like that. NC gets us to a place where we are indifferent to them and don't care. This is also what I want for myself, too. I made it possible with a different ex and I know I can do it again with my most recent ex! :mad: Fight, fight!
I have no title Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 There is absolutely no uncertainty for you. What are you uncertain of? That you cannot be happy without her? - yes, beleive me you can if you want. Or maybe that you will never love again? - beleive me you will, and even stronger. All the things that should bother you, should strictly concern yourself. Answer and think about those uncertainties, that could make you a become a better person. Her life should be out of your interest, since it was her decision to dump you, so let her be uncertain of her decisions. P.S: Move on and concentrate on yourself. Let your heart rest and come back to its place, and since your brain is feeling quite okay, let him lead your thoughts and your life
Author GreenPolicy Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 There is absolutely no uncertainty for you. What are you uncertain of? That you cannot be happy without her? - yes, beleive me you can if you want. Or maybe that you will never love again? - beleive me you will, and even stronger. I have had those thoughts, but I know those are normal and irrational fears right after a breakup. I guess being an unwilling dumpee is like withdrawing from a very powerful and addictive drug. When you are in the throes of withdrawal, you can't fathom how you are going to live without them, even though you managed just fine before you met this person. All the things that should bother you, should strictly concern yourself. Answer and think about those uncertainties, that could make you a become a better person. Her life should be out of your interest, since it was her decision to dump you, so let her be uncertain of her decisions. One thing I've realized is that I loved her, treated her right and she made me happy, so I have no regrets. That doesn't mean I was a perfect bf and didn't make mistakes, but I have nothing to feel regret about. She, on the other hand, she sat her parents down and told them I was the guy she wanted to marry, different from everybody she'd ever dated before, she introduced me to her biological father after having nothing to do with him for years, she would initiate marriage talk just as much as me. She has to live with her decision to cast aside the greatest guy she'd ever been with (I know she was sincere about that sentiment). I just have to get over the pain and hurt of losing her, and that will come in time. I will never have to look back and feel the pain and guilt of hurting the person who was the greatest love of my life. Short term better to be her, since she was the dumper and got to decide unilaterally how and when the r/l came to an end. Long term I think better to be me, since I won't have any guilt or regrets, I will learn from this and be a better and stronger lover in the future.
Movingthrough Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 She, on the other hand, she sat her parents down and told them I was the guy she wanted to marry, different from everybody she'd ever dated before, she introduced me to her biological father after having nothing to do with him for years, she would initiate marriage talk just as much as me. She has to live with her decision to cast aside the greatest guy she'd ever been with (I know she was sincere about that sentiment). Now i see where you are coming from more, THIS is the same position iam in. Here is a blip of my story, maybe it will help you to know this can happen to someone else. When i met my ex it was after years of looking at her through the pedestal effect, she was married so i never thought anything would happen, which was good because it "calmed" my feelings for her and actually hit a point where i didnt care. When i saw the marriage was basically failing (had been for years) she started to talk to me more and we became closer because my serious relationship was ending too. Long story short, she split from her guy and days after was telling me indirectly that i was "everything" she ever wanted, this was coming from a girl that does NOT talk like that, she is not cutesy at all and does not spill her guts like most girls do. When she said this i pushed it off, im not into moving fast and i ignored it. Time went on and it came out more. I can remember literally a week after she was split from a long time husband, she was sending me pics of herself, not overly sexual but you could tell she wanted me to droll over her, all of these by the way are huge red flags after a long marriage, but i was moving slow. Fast forwarding we ended up meeting up, emotions flowed and things moved fast, she told me one day that she really was getting feelings for me. I knew she was hinting at the L word, so i told her that was really hard for me to do and i dont like throwing that around for nothing. She said that was fine but this is what she was feeling, so she said it. For a few days i didnt, then when i finally did, i had a talk with her about how much of a big deal this was for me. She wrote me an email that night that SWORE to me up and down that she would ALWAYS be there, no matter what and i never had to worry. Normally i would take this with a grain of salt but she does not normally talk like that so i took it seriously. In the back of my head i know she said that to her husband for years, yet they got divorced and there was rumors she cheated on him more then once. Point is, i know what you mean, how could she say all those things just to break it off? Personally, i think its a combination of things, its either she loves the honeymoon stage and wants nothing more then "love" or a breakup, so you will always have those strong words. Second part of me thinks you know it could of been her really trying to make it work but it couldnt so i can almost respect her for that. I will give it to girls though, they always seem to try and really make it work, but when they find out it doesnt, bye, doesnt matter what they said in the past (im sure same goes for guys too). My situation had a ton of red flags, but i wasnt always the best boyfriend, sometimes i feel guilt and think i could have made it last but would i really want to be with someon that can throw around those words like they are nothing? That has a history of infidelity? In some ways it was a blessing in disguise. Sorry for the long post but i hope it helps, you are not the only one..
Author GreenPolicy Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 (edited) Now i see where you are coming from more, THIS is the same position iam in. Here is a blip of my story, maybe it will help you to know this can happen to someone else. When we started dating she told me that she had never been in a relationship longer than a year. She just turned 31. Lo and behold, she dumped me two weeks shy of our first anniversary and right as I started to solidify plans to get formally engaged (we went to a jewelry convention to look at bands, and the b/u itself happened two days after I told her I had a job interview for a second job to pay for the ring. The b/u was the day before that job interview). She has NEVER been in a rel'ship past the honeymoon stage. Looking back I can see signs of detaching behavior starting about a month before she pulled the trigger. And I can honestly say that our r/l was pretty much bliss right up until the end. I know she was happy, I know she loved me, you can't fake those things. She's just not a person who can make any pretense of working on a r/l once the infatuation/honeymoon stage wears off. I should have realized that never being able to sustain a r/l past a year was a big red warning flag, but I naively believed she just hadn't met the right person yet. I thought because of the unprecedented gestures and the seriousness of the r/l that I would not be shown the door. One thing I've learned is that she is an active avoider commitment-phobe. So what that means is that when things started to become real, when I began to move forward with plans to get formally engaged, when the talk about marriage turned to actually moving ahead with plans to get married, that triggered her emotional fears and she had to get out. It's not a coincidence that things fell apart at that point. The other thing I've realized that helps me is that I probably already got the best that she has to offer. People like her give it their all in the honeymoon/infatuation stage. Things with her would probably have never been as good as they were had we stayed together. A relationship needs more than just love to work. And another thing I've learned is that she was able to walk away despite having feelings for me because deep down she thinks she can come back anytime she wants should she have a change of heart and I'll take her back. Six months, a year, two years down the line, she honestly believes that if things don't work out for her with the next guy she dates. Edited January 10, 2011 by GreenPolicy
Movingthrough Posted January 10, 2011 Posted January 10, 2011 When we started dating she told me that she had never been in a relationship longer than a year. She just turned 31. Lo and behold, she dumped me two weeks shy of our first anniversary and right as I started to solidify plans to get formally engaged (we went to a jewelry convention to look at bands, and the b/u itself happened two days after I told her I had a job interview for a second job to pay for the ring. The b/u was the day before that job interview). She has NEVER been in a rel'ship past the honeymoon stage. Looking back I can see signs of detaching behavior starting about a month before she pulled the trigger. And I can honestly say that our r/l was pretty much bliss right up until the end. I know she was happy, I know she loved me, you can't fake those things. She's just not a person who can make any pretense of working on a r/l once the infatuation/honeymoon stage wears off. I should have realized that never being able to sustain a r/l past a year was a big red warning flag, but I naively believed she just hadn't met the right person yet. I thought because of the unprecedented gestures and the seriousness of the r/l that I would not be shown the door. One thing I've learned is that she is an active avoider commitment-phobe. So what that means is that when things started to become real, when I began to move forward with plans to get formally engaged, when the talk about marriage turned to actually moving ahead with plans to get married, that triggered her emotional fears and she had to get out. It's not a coincidence that things fell apart at that point. The other thing I've realized that helps me is that I probably already got the best that she has to offer. People like her give it their all in the honeymoon/infatuation stage. Things with her would probably have never been as good as they were had we stayed together. A relationship needs more than just love to work. And another thing I've learned is that she was able to walk away despite having feelings for me because deep down she thinks she can come back anytime she wants should she have a change of heart and I'll take her back. Six months, a year, two years down the line, she honestly believes that if things don't work out for her with the next guy she dates. It is hard to look back on these things, and mine was almost opposite. My ex had a past of staying in long term relationships even if she was getting her ass beat by a guy (happened to her once, i couldnt believe she stayed with him) or being unhappy in the marriage. Problem is, during this time she would do her own thing, i dont consider her a whore, but she did what she wanted to do. Im guessing she liked the security but also wanted to fill physical needs. What hurts me the most is the fact that she is "happy" with this guy, and i honestly feel that i was a doormat to get to him, a rebound to ease her post divorce pains, but i can also say we had a lot of problems near then end, and the last time i saw her we spent half the time fighting which we never did. Then i start reviewing, i feel like she was pushing for us to break, and i can remember making comments about the future when i saw her and she kind of changed the subject. At the time i really didnt care, in my head i was like screw it, if it doesnt work out then it doesnt. So to be blunt, i have no idea why it hurts so much now, but i know its something and thats why im working on myself. It stinks because i hear your story, i look at mine, and i see two people (our exes) that dont know what they want, and are not at peace with themselves yet, they are running from something. Yet we still pinn over them, i wish i knew why. I feel day by day im getting better but i can see what you mean by the uncertainty of it all...
Author GreenPolicy Posted January 10, 2011 Author Posted January 10, 2011 It stinks because i hear your story, i look at mine, and i see two people (our exes) that dont know what they want, and are not at peace with themselves yet, they are running from something. Yet we still pinn over them, i wish i knew why. I feel day by day im getting better but i can see what you mean by the uncertainty of it all... And another thing that sucks is that at this time a r/l between us would not work. I don't know how I could trust her again. It would take a lot of couples counseling and some counseling of her own, and she obviously doesn't see that she has a problem. She will date others rather than return to me. I would be walking on eggshells wondering when she'd leave again. The only possible way it would ever work is a couple years or more down the road if she reached out to me and there's a sea change in her emotional wellbeing. But by that time I plan to have healed and hopefully will be with somebody else. The whole thing just sucks. I'll never understand how a person could walk away from what we had.
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