shlee Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Hopefully this is a lucid post - I am pretty freakin' mad right now. 1. We already have a dog. I don't want another one right now for various reasons that probably aren't relevant to this post. Bf goes to the store, happens to see a puppy he just has to have because she's so adorable, so he goes and adopts her and "gives" her to me as my early Christmas present, which I can deal with, except that it is exceptionally clear that the dog is for him. (But guess who's probably going to be responsible for the un-fun parts of having another dog ) 2. I have been/am housesitting for a good friend for several days, then I have one day to be with bf (but of course this will be with him and his family for a couple hours after I am done with work), then I am going out of town to spend the holidays with my family. I have seen bf here and there for a few minutes, but that's it. Yesterday when I went to receive my fake gift I very thoughtfully brought him super easy food for dinner tonight. I spent the half hour we were together chasing after the puppy with a roll of paper towels because she peed in the house 7 times, while he texted everyone and their mother about his cute new puppy, and gave me a play-by-play on his own mother's attitude about another dog. I managed to keep my thoughts on this to myself (what the hell does she care, it's none of her freaking business). Today I ask him to come over and bring the puppy. He says OK, and then when he is on his way he informs me that he is going to stop by his mom's house first. He was home for over an hour, didn't eat the food I had brought him, had his mom make him dinner instead and stayed for 2 hours before finally coming to see me not long before an hour that most working people go to bed. For the 10 minutes he was here he kept making comments about his mom says this and his mom thinks that. Several of his comments made it clear to me that she knows every little ****ing thing that goes on in his life in real time. Just for reference on our different relationships, I have not called, emailed or texted my parents about the damn dog that has been "mine" for 24 hours. Of course I will, but they are not all up in my business, nor do I encourage them to be. I am completely disgusted by how involved his mother is in his life. Am I being completely unreasonable here? I'm not asking if I should break up with him. I guess I'm asking to be validated, or else set straight on how crazy and unreasonable I am to be so angry over this.
Surrealist Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Yeah that sounds most annoying, can't you kind of eh, give the doggy back to him to look after? You may have to put doggie up for adoption?
TaurusTerp Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Sounds reasonable if you've actually talked to him about his mother's involvement in your lives and aren't expecting him to read your mind.
Author shlee Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 (edited) Oh, and so not only did he specifically say he was "stopping by" his mom's house, which clearly indicates a short visit on his way to see the person he actually had plans with, but he didn't call or text me to tell me otherwise, and he ignored my texts asking if he was on his way. And he doesn't think he was at all inconsiderate, and that in fact I am the person being inconsiderate in this scenario (implying his mommy and her comfort should come first or something?) Edited December 21, 2010 by shlee
Surrealist Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 I don't see this relationship going too far while he's holding on to mommy's apron strings. I guess said mommy brought him up with the assurances that he can never do any wrong. Urgh.
Author shlee Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 Yeah that sounds most annoying, can't you kind of eh, give the doggy back to him to look after? You may have to put doggie up for adoption? Na, I'm not concerned about the well being of the dog, all of that will be fine The thing that most bugs me about the dog is that he claims to have bought it for me, which is a boldface lie. He bought it for himself.
Eddie Edirol Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 You can try to change the mommys boy, but if you talk to him about it and he doesnt want to stop being the mommys boy, then its your fault for staying in the situation you dont like. So to a degree, yes youre bieng unreasonable. If youre going to stay with the mommys boy who doesnt want to change, then you cant complain about it...of course you can vent here, but you still shouldnt be complaining in general.
Surrealist Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Na, I'm not concerned about the well being of the dog, all of that will be fine The thing that most bugs me about the dog is that he claims to have bought it for me, which is a boldface lie. He bought it for himself. So is this a case of: "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Shlee bought herself a doggie. Tis so sweet and adorable. Shlee loves him and will look after him, feed him and walk him. Mommy, can you cook me my favey dishey tonite."
Author shlee Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 Seriously, this jerk made plans with me, decided to "stop by" his mommy's house first, ended up hanging out with her all night - without a word!! - and then "stopped by" my place. And he doesn't see anything wrong or inconsiderate about this!?!! This can't just be me.
Surrealist Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Seriously, this jerk made plans with me, decided to "stop by" his mommy's house first, ended up hanging out with her all night - without a word!! - and then "stopped by" my place. And he doesn't see anything wrong or inconsiderate about this!?!! This can't just be me. He's not saying it's just you, but really, if you continue tolerating his behaviour it will only validate what he is doing and he will continue to do so, maybe not even consciously aware. Shlee you need to talk to your bf about this, okay?
Author shlee Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 (edited) He's not saying it's just you, but really, if you continue tolerating his behaviour it will only validate what he is doing and he will continue to do so, maybe not even consciously aware. Shlee you need to talk to your bf about this, okay? I did try to talk to him. He screamed at me about how I'm the one who's wrong, he can't believe I'm acting like this when we've barely seen each other days and then I am leaving (EXACTLY!!), and stormed out muttering about how disappointed in me he is. He also said some **** about how I try to walk all over him and he's way too nice and tolerant of my behavior. I interpreted this as he wants to do what he wants to do without any responsibility, or demands that he be respectful, which is why I posted this, because I want to know if my so-called demand is completely unreasonable, as he seems to think. I'm not crazy right? He was a complete douche? The way this happened, btw, was I asked him what had taken so long at his mom's, he asked me what was wrong, and I made an "I feel abc because of xyz" statement. His first response to my calm statement was "Yeah so, are you gonna cry about it all night", then he continued to go off on me and storm out and I haven't said a word to him, and don't plan to at the moment either. I'm also seriously considering telling him and his parents that I won't be able to make dinner/gift exchange this week, but I'm not sure if this is an appropriate response, or me being an *******. I am so disgusted with that entire family, I don't want to see any of them until I can get myself under control. Edited December 21, 2010 by shlee
catgotyourtongue Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 So is this a case of: "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Shlee bought herself a doggie. Tis so sweet and adorable. Shlee loves him and will look after him, feed him and walk him. Mommy, can you cook me my favey dishey tonite." Yup totally agree here with surrealist I think this is always going to be mama's boy, validation from mom that whatever he does is right, you won't win here, he is putting mommy first, and I believe his actions were insensitive really, and he clearly chose what was important-to him, disregarding yours. He may be a great guy but he is still feeding at the family farm, being cradled by mom, and blah blah blah. Some peeps can deal with mamas boy's, I could not because their expectations will rarely be met by you...in comparison to what mom would do...icky Good luck and happy holidays, u usually cant win the momma's boy argument, all u can do is try and show how it made you feel, in hopefully a rational way, and hope for the best, or draw some boundaries, negotiations. peace out
elaina Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Seriously, this jerk made plans with me, decided to "stop by" his mommy's house first, ended up hanging out with her all night - without a word!! - and then "stopped by" my place. And he doesn't see anything wrong or inconsiderate about this!?!! This can't just be me. It is sorta scary... I don't get along with men who are "Momma's boys" for lack of a better way to describe them. I do love though when men respect their moms and take care of them (though not let the moms control their lives.) I understand how you feel. Timing and how one talks about the issue are extremely important parts of communication. Maybe after Christmas you can talk to him? like a New Years Resolution thing, where ya'll can share what your new years resolutions are, and you can tell him how you feel about him and his mom, just don't attack them, k? Maybe he will understand and work on it. Hopefully!
Yer_Blues Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 (edited) Hopefully this is a lucid post - I am pretty freakin' mad right now. 1. We already have a dog. I don't want another one right now for various reasons that probably aren't relevant to this post. Bf goes to the store, happens to see a puppy he just has to have because she's so adorable, so he goes and adopts her and "gives" her to me as my early Christmas present, which I can deal with, except that it is exceptionally clear that the dog is for him. (But guess who's probably going to be responsible for the un-fun parts of having another dog ) 2. I have been/am housesitting for a good friend for several days, then I have one day to be with bf (but of course this will be with him and his family for a couple hours after I am done with work), then I am going out of town to spend the holidays with my family. I have seen bf here and there for a few minutes, but that's it. Yesterday when I went to receive my fake gift I very thoughtfully brought him super easy food for dinner tonight. I spent the half hour we were together chasing after the puppy with a roll of paper towels because she peed in the house 7 times, while he texted everyone and their mother about his cute new puppy, and gave me a play-by-play on his own mother's attitude about another dog. I managed to keep my thoughts on this to myself (what the hell does she care, it's none of her freaking business). Today I ask him to come over and bring the puppy. He says OK, and then when he is on his way he informs me that he is going to stop by his mom's house first. He was home for over an hour, didn't eat the food I had brought him, had his mom make him dinner instead and stayed for 2 hours before finally coming to see me not long before an hour that most working people go to bed. For the 10 minutes he was here he kept making comments about his mom says this and his mom thinks that. Several of his comments made it clear to me that she knows every little ****ing thing that goes on in his life in real time. Just for reference on our different relationships, I have not called, emailed or texted my parents about the damn dog that has been "mine" for 24 hours. Of course I will, but they are not all up in my business, nor do I encourage them to be. I am completely disgusted by how involved his mother is in his life. Am I being completely unreasonable here? I'm not asking if I should break up with him. I guess I'm asking to be validated, or else set straight on how crazy and unreasonable I am to be so angry over this. It's over. You've placed yourself above him. Whether you are justified or not, it's pretty much over. Disgust is one of those "I see you as lower/worse" emotions. You get disgusted by feces. Edited December 21, 2010 by Yer_Blues
CandyHeart Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Are you sure your not feeling jealous or envious of your boyfriend being close to another woman in this case his mum?
BackUpOrGetStung Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 CandyHeart, you're a ****ing retard. Shlee, this clearly isn't the first time something like this has happened, and you've reinforced it as accpetable because, well, you accept it. You need to talk to him about it(which won't do ****), and see if he changes(he won't). You're incompatible, face it. Give the dog back, and end it...yes, right before Christmas and make sure you explain exactly why; his mommy issues and his constant inconsideration.
CandyHeart Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 ^ I don't think its nice to call someone bad names just for putting in my own opinon here.
Madgick1 Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 I was married to a dyed in the wool momma's boy. They are worthless as far as partners go--and most of them cannot change if they are still doing this over the age of about 25. The problem of momma boy-ism is as stubborn and painful for a partner to deal with as alcoholism or addiction. In fact, our marriage counselor told us that alcoholism rarely starts before midteens, whereas momma boy problems start around age 3 or 6 (depending on the severity of the problem). That means that the problem is more deeply rooted and the recovery takes that much longer. Very few people take it as a serious problem because unlike alcoholism, most areas of life appear to be functional. However, he will be dysfunctional in intimate relationships, and you will be the one who suffers most--not him, not his mommy. Think of them as being siamese twins. If they are not carefully separated, they will bleed to death. And sometimes separation is not possible. They don't want to be separated--you needing an autonomous man for a partner will be the enemy. Frankly, having been there, I tell you in all sincerity to dump him.
Eddie Edirol Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 I was married to a dyed in the wool momma's boy. They are worthless as far as partners go--and most of them cannot change if they are still doing this over the age of about 25. The problem of momma boy-ism is as stubborn and painful for a partner to deal with as alcoholism or addiction. In fact, our marriage counselor told us that alcoholism rarely starts before midteens, whereas momma boy problems start around age 3 or 6 (depending on the severity of the problem). That means that the problem is more deeply rooted and the recovery takes that much longer. Very few people take it as a serious problem because unlike alcoholism, most areas of life appear to be functional. However, he will be dysfunctional in intimate relationships, and you will be the one who suffers most--not him, not his mommy. Think of them as being siamese twins. If they are not carefully separated, they will bleed to death. And sometimes separation is not possible. They don't want to be separated--you needing an autonomous man for a partner will be the enemy. Frankly, having been there, I tell you in all sincerity to dump him. Jesus! I never thought of it like this, no wonder my mom keeps spoiling my little brother at 36 years old. Siamese twins. Shlee, your situation with this guy will never change. Bail out now.
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