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I'd rather have a cheating spouse then one who suggested an open marriage....

Toodamnpragmatic

By Toodamnpragmatic
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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Toodamnpragmatic Established Member

Toodamnpragmatic

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See, here's a realization for you. If you're okay being cheated on as long as you don't find out over being told that your husband wants an open marriage, it doesn't mean that you're afraid of not being good enough.

 

Like I stated before, if he were cheating on you, YOU ALREADY ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. What you're really afraid of is not being able to cope with that reality. So just take that in for a second. Based on this thread and everything you said here, you really don't care that you're your husband's everything, you just care about the illusion that you are.

 

Also I'm a man..... I love the one poster who called Open Relationships "Consensual Cheating", because that is what it is.... The difference in my scenario is that as opposed to getting lost one night while away on a trip or out and about on a trip (and remember again I said the occasional cheating with no EA attached), which is my cheating scenario, here on top of the jealousy and insecurities drudged up, any fight, disagreement you have and a few hours outside the home, evening out, he/she could be with someone else and you have little say (no matter the rules and boundaries set up) as you have agreed on this 'relationship'....

Edited by Toodamnpragmatic
gisellefromhell Member

gisellefromhell

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Also I'm a man..... I love the one poster who called Open Relationships "Consensual Cheating", because that is what it is.... The difference in my scenario is that as opposed to getting lost one night while away on a trip or out and about on a trip (and remember again I said the occasional cheating with no EA attached), which is my cheating scenario, here on top of the jealousy and insecurities drudged up, any fight, disagreement you have and a few hours outside the home, evening out, he/she could be with someone else and you have little say (no matter the rules and boundaries set up) as you have agreed on this 'relationship'....

 

My bad, I just assumed you were a girl. Honest mistake. :)

 

But that's the thing, you act like you have no choice but to stay in that relationship if you're unhappy. You have to realize you are free, even if you are married. And you don't have to put up with anything you don't want to in your marriage. If your wife ever came up to you, telling you that she wanted an open marriage, and will act on it whether you liked it or not, you should totally leave her ass. It will hurt, but you can't be with someone who doesn't respect YOUR wants, can you?

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Toodamnpragmatic Established Member

Toodamnpragmatic

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My bad, I just assumed you were a girl. Honest mistake. :)

 

But that's the thing, you act like you have no choice but to stay in that relationship if you're unhappy. You have to realize you are free, even if you are married. And you don't have to put up with anything you don't want to in your marriage. If your wife ever came up to you, telling you that she wanted an open marriage, and will act on it whether you liked it or not, you should totally leave her ass. It will hurt, but you can't be with someone who doesn't respect YOUR wants, can you?

 

to a rash of "Open Relationship" threads and tongue in cheek as both options are unpallatable. In both cases though spouses think they have wonderful marriages (at least all is fine)..... In one case cheating is happening, not often as said and no EA or LTR, and in the other the spouse confronts you that there is something missing and they want to have your permission to have sex with others. As per my name, I look at the second as the ultimately calling into question my ability as a spouse, lover, sexual partner and open up the possibility that they meet surprise,surprise someone better then me Hard to believe;), with my consent)....

 

Sex is about two things, intimacy and fun..... If my spouse can't have both with me, that would be very tough to take (hence the request for an "Open Relationship"). Now if an accident happened (i.e. the random, while on business/vacation hook-up), would be easier to understand as opposed to the calculated disclosure you want multiple sex partners, which is the "Open Relationship" option, which opens so much more issues imo.

Lovinhimlovinher Established Member

Lovinhimlovinher

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However find posts by Lizzie60 who basically explained how she offered a service to men and sometimes you think twice.

 

The idea my spouse would want permission to step out of the marriage to get strange with my consent however seems infinitely worse....... Think of this banter.....

 

"Dear, playing 18 with the boys Saturday"

 

"Perfect, because I was thinking of screwing XXXX Saturday.... Dinner at 8:00?";):laugh::p

 

In our house it would have been more like

 

"Honey i was thinking about going over to my buddies house to do a web cast."

 

"Cool care if I go hook up with *****?"

Lovinhimlovinher Established Member

Lovinhimlovinher

Posted
Posted
See, here's a realization for you. If you're okay being cheated on as long as you don't find out over being told that your husband wants an open marriage, it doesn't mean that you're afraid of not being good enough.

 

Like I stated before, if he were cheating on you, YOU ALREADY ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. What you're really afraid of is not being able to cope with that reality. So just take that in for a second. Based on this thread and everything you said here, you really don't care that you're your husband's everything, you just care about the illusion that you are.

 

 

See my thoughts on this, coming from an open marriage, is asking for an open marriage isn't about not being good enough. I would think that if he was cheating on me then I wouldn't be good enough. Not because of the sex but because he didn't feel like he could talk to me about something so life changing. But that is just me....

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Toodamnpragmatic Established Member

Toodamnpragmatic

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In our house it would have been more like

 

"Honey i was thinking about going over to my buddies house to do a web cast."

 

"Cool care if I go hook up with *****?"

 

But what is funny is you having to ask permission.... Is this only so he knows that you may not be in the mood later, because you already got yours earlier today?

 

Why should it matter since you are in an "open relationship" that you are having sex when he is doing something? Is this like saying "I'm having a big lunch, so don't worry about me for dinner, eat alone (go masturbate or find another partner) as I won't be hungry":p:D???

 

And it is telling that is your partner LHLH that if I have read correctly that you have more a Polyamorous relationship not an Open one, as you really don't have any partners (or seldom).

gisellefromhell Member

gisellefromhell

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to a rash of "Open Relationship" threads and tongue in cheek as both options are unpallatable. In both cases though spouses think they have wonderful marriages (at least all is fine)..... In one case cheating is happening, not often as said and no EA or LTR, and in the other the spouse confronts you that there is something missing and they want to have your permission to have sex with others. As per my name, I look at the second as the ultimately calling into question my ability as a spouse, lover, sexual partner and open up the possibility that they meet surprise,surprise someone better then me Hard to believe;), with my consent)....

 

Sex is about two things, intimacy and fun..... If my spouse can't have both with me, that would be very tough to take (hence the request for an "Open Relationship"). Now if an accident happened (i.e. the random, while on business/vacation hook-up), would be easier to understand as opposed to the calculated disclosure you want multiple sex partners, which is the "Open Relationship" option, which opens so much more issues imo.

 

I guess I may have to type up a "judgement" post. Now keep in mind that this is based on the facts that you have given me about yourself. I know that you will never see it the way most of us feel about this situation you made up for us. But in your quest to bash open marriages, you have actually been only successful showing everyone here on LoveShack your flaws. You have low self-esteem, and you think that cheating is okay. You may continue to say that both situations are unpalatable, but in all seriousness, since you said that cheating could be a mistake, it just shows me that you're willing to buy any lame excuse your wife will throw at you if she is caught cheating because you don't think that it is a self-motivated choice. I'm sorry, my friend, no one is ever THAT drunk. So what if your wife asked you for an open marriage? You'll just be sad about yourself forever because your pride is so hurt? Do you just want to keep the illusion intact that you're the best more than working at your marriage?

 

It's sad that you think having this thought process is being "pragmatic". This is not practical at all. It's you just being afraid of being told that there's room for improvement.

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Toodamnpragmatic Established Member

Toodamnpragmatic

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Posted (edited)
I guess I may have to type up a "judgement" post. Now keep in mind that this is based on the facts that you have given me about yourself. I know that you will never see it the way most of us feel about this situation you made up for us. But in your quest to bash open marriages, you have actually been only successful showing everyone here on LoveShack your flaws. You have low self-esteem, and you think that cheating is okay. You may continue to say that both situations are unpalatable, but in all seriousness, since you said that cheating could be a mistake, it just shows me that you're willing to buy any lame excuse your wife will throw at you if she is caught cheating because you don't think that it is a self-motivated choice. I'm sorry, my friend, no one is ever THAT drunk. So what if your wife asked you for an open marriage? You'll just be sad about yourself forever because your pride is so hurt? Do you just want to keep the illusion intact that you're the best more than working at your marriage?

 

It's sad that you think having this thought process is being "pragmatic". This is not practical at all. It's you just being afraid of being told that there's room for improvement.

 

Where is that the outcome from wanting an "open Relationship"..... Your spouse has told you he/she wants to sleep with other men/women (not gay or lesbian) because you are "not enough".... You aren't being told that you suck in bed, are too small, or not attractive enough with a chance to do something about it..... She/he is asking permission to have sex with others. Now if "improvement" has nothing to do with the above concerns I pointed out and to you means having outside Fbuddies, I guess we will never see eye to eye.

 

I posted a thread that really simply was stating how crushed I'd be at the suggestion of an "open relationship", as that indicates I am not enough. Cheating can take many forms and here it was the one night stand/business trip variety and no EA. An Open-Relationship (not swinging) to me includes feeling and as it is called a relationship with someone else and that is to me much worse.

 

As for your analysis of me..... Sure I have low self-esteem if that is what you want to call it....

Edited by Toodamnpragmatic
gisellefromhell Member

gisellefromhell

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If your wife asked to have an open marriage, wouldn't you want to suggest trying to make it better for yourselves first? Or is that totally out of the question? Because if I didn't want an open marriage, I would want to try my hardest to keep my marriage by trying different things without sleeping with other people. If it won't work, then I would just leave because that is definitely the sign of things not working out between me and my partner.

 

Also, it's not cheating if your wife asked you about an open marriage. If she had the intent to really sleep with another man, then she's giving you the chance to leave the marriage. No marriage, no cheating.

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Toodamnpragmatic Established Member

Toodamnpragmatic

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If your wife asked to have an open marriage, wouldn't you want to suggest trying to make it better for yourselves first? Or is that totally out of the question? Because if I didn't want an open marriage, I would want to try my hardest to keep my marriage by trying different things without sleeping with other people. If it won't work, then I would just leave because that is definitely the sign of things not working out between me and my partner.

 

Also, it's not cheating if your wife asked you about an open marriage. If she had the intent to really sleep with another man, then she's giving you the chance to leave the marriage. No marriage, no cheating.

 

When I talk "Open Relationship" I am talking solely in that parameter (or Polyamory) and not "Swinging"..... When we have gone back and forth I wonder if you have a broader definition.

 

Now if I was 100% fulfilled at home by my spouse, where we have all the sex and experimentation we want and are open and communicative, and my spouse said she wanted to try swinging (i.e. where I am present, we are at a club or something), and her fantasy is something I can't/won't/don't want to participate in (i.e. multiple males at once/putting a dildo up a males behind/heavy s&m on the male), well I guess that is something that I could understand and we could discuss.....

 

An open relationship is by my definition, and what people have posted on LS is permission to meet up with other male/males or females, with consent without the spouse present and maybe developing a relationship (EA) with (planned or by accident).....

 

Does that make more sense? Are we now on the same page?

Edited by Toodamnpragmatic
gisellefromhell Member

gisellefromhell

Posted
Posted
When I talk "Open Relationship" I am talking solely in that parameter (or Polyamory) and not "Swinging"..... When we have gone back and forth I wonder if you have a broader definition.

 

Now if I was 100% fulfilled at home by my spouse, where we have all the sex and experimentation we want and are open and communicative, and my spouse said she wanted to try swinging (i.e. where I am present, we are at a club or something), and her fantasy is something I can't/won't/don't want to participate in (i.e. multiple males at once/putting a dildo up a males behind/heavy s&m on the male), well I guess that is something that I could understand and we could discuss.....

 

An open relationship is by my definition, and what people have posted on LS is permission to meet up with other male/males or females, with consent without the spouse present and maybe developing a relationship (EA) with (planned or by accident).....

 

Does that make more sense? Are we now on the same page?

 

I have always had both senses of an open marriage in mind. The emotional and sexual parts of it. And it's still the same.

 

The point to your story is that your wife has TOLD you that she wants an open marriage. You have the freedom to accept it or reject it. Having the freedom to walk away from something that makes you unhappy trumps being lied to any day.

 

It's unhealthy to live in denial. Maybe you would be fine not knowing that your wife is cheating on you, but that would make your wife a bad person. And increasingly worse every time she would cheat on you. And you don't want to be with someone who is self-destructive anyway. I believe that you (YOU) should want to know the truth all the time so you can make the right choices for yourself. Don't be afraid to hear the truth because of how much it would hurt.

 

So really? You would rather be cheated on that to be asked for an open marriage?

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Toodamnpragmatic Established Member

Toodamnpragmatic

Posted
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Posted
I have always had both senses of an open marriage in mind. The emotional and sexual parts of it. And it's still the same.

 

The point to your story is that your wife has TOLD you that she wants an open marriage. You have the freedom to accept it or reject it. Having the freedom to walk away from something that makes you unhappy trumps being lied to any day.

 

It's unhealthy to live in denial. Maybe you would be fine not knowing that your wife is cheating on you, but that would make your wife a bad person. And increasingly worse every time she would cheat on you. And you don't want to be with someone who is self-destructive anyway. I believe that you (YOU) should want to know the truth all the time so you can make the right choices for yourself. Don't be afraid to hear the truth because of how much it would hurt.

 

So really? You would rather be cheated on that to be asked for an open marriage?

 

You haven't answered my question and seem to think that I am in someway living in denial and that my wife has either cheated on me or asked for an open relationship.

 

I really really thought explaining the difference between swinging (because of things I wouldn't do), a concept my spouse could broach with me (and I'd say no to;):p:D) as opposed to an "open relationship" which I'd be mortified by would at least make sense.....

 

BTW you may consider an "open relationship" as swinging..... I don't and that is really the only opinion that matters when I explain my thoughts on the matter.

 

I guess I'll just give up now......

gisellefromhell Member

gisellefromhell

Posted
Posted

What was the question again? :D

Lovinhimlovinher Established Member

Lovinhimlovinher

Posted
Posted
When I talk "Open Relationship" I am talking solely in that parameter (or Polyamory) and not "Swinging"..... When we have gone back and forth I wonder if you have a broader definition.

 

Now if I was 100% fulfilled at home by my spouse, where we have all the sex and experimentation we want and are open and communicative, and my spouse said she wanted to try swinging (i.e. where I am present, we are at a club or something), and her fantasy is something I can't/won't/don't want to participate in (i.e. multiple males at once/putting a dildo up a males behind/heavy s&m on the male), well I guess that is something that I could understand and we could discuss.....

 

An open relationship is by my definition, and what people have posted on LS is permission to meet up with other male/males or females, with consent without the spouse present and maybe developing a relationship (EA) with (planned or by accident).....

 

Does that make more sense? Are we now on the same page?

 

 

OK this makes your post eaiser to understand I guess. I must add here that your definition is different than others. For example I enjoy being there when my husband is with someone else. "without the spouse presen" isn't always the case.

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