delajoonal Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 i have not contacted my XH OW since April 2009. i called her and wrote an email, not really bad, just letting HER know i am real, and how does she sleep at night..after doing what she did...destroy 2 famillies basically...this was April 2009..NOTHING since. ok, so now...after nearly 2 yrs, i am finding myself daily the past week, needing to say some things to HER...yet again..as a follow up, if u will. after the past 2 yrs, i have been thru hell..i mean quite literally stuff i do not deserve and would NOT have happened if SHE would have just NOT contacted my XH in the first place...that lead to my life as it is now.. i really REALLY want to email or leave HER a message...argh!!!! i know NC is best..as i have stuck to the NC for nearly 2 yrs... but i am seathing inside ... so should i? should i wait until after the holidays to see if i calm down? or should i just write out what i need to get out of my head and heart and post it here...or to MYSELF..wink... or just get over it??? please don't say get over it....seriously...this is eating me up inside..i need HER to know what she and my XH have done to my life... i know this sounds selfish and i need to be in more control of myself and my life...but i am human...i KNOW u all have felt this way at one point, right? right??? thank you.... p.s. on the positive side, i do believe deep down that ALL this is for a reason and that my life is headed in a better direction, once i get the GPS to guide me out of hell???
BlindRage Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 And then what? That is after you contact her, what is going to happen? You will feel beat down if you do. If you actually feel satisfied after talking to her and letting her know how she ruined your life do you think it will last? You are doing great with the NC, don't beat it down for a moment of weakness. It won't be worth it. The only people that will feel satisfied is going to be them not you. Relax right now.
Author delajoonal Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 blindrage...ok, ur right...i can do this..NC...keep doing it! THANK you so much... birds2010...no they r not single, they live together in HER house with her 2 small children, as she divorced her H and kicked him out and moved my XH in...all within less than one year of leaving me. but to be VERY honest, i guess i have no real way of knowing if they r still together..other than my XH is a cheap screw, i got him for a huge alimony monthly and he cannot afford to live anywhere else now..anywhere he likes anyways...he got to stay in our town by the beach in a nice big house..with her and her kids...a new..i guess? i have been friends with my XH's cousin for over 30 years, so i was part of my Xh's family before we were even married... so i guess i can ask her..but i have NOT contacted her either, as i just know i will ask questions i do NOT want to know the answers to .in reality. she ( my XH's cousin) has contacted me..several times, i just have not returned the calls...maybe i should? maybe my xh and his OW r not together anymore..so all this emotional crap i am putting myself thru is for nothing...well, technically it is for nothing anyway:o sorry to have rambled, but thank you so much for reading and taking time for me...i really do appreciate it.
HopeisallIhave Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Two years! My god man I commend you. I am in no position to give advice right now and got on just to read some posts, but with all off my heart I commend you on sticking to your guns for 2 years. I couldn't go 3 weeks.
Author delajoonal Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 hopeisallihave... wow, thank you...IT, the NC, is not easy...i just do one day at a time. also...i guess there was SO much rhetoric during the finding out of the A and the separation and then the divorce...it just got exhausting...so i guess time has gone by...but with the holidays brings memories of happier times, etc...u know, right.? and with THAT brings anger, frustration, resentment and on so much more..i just feel like i am going to explode:o but as per usual, i will add IT, THE Letter to HER, to MY journal, where no one sees my pain and the words , but me. maybe IT would help more if i did post it here...??? anyway, i promise the NC get's easier...but every now and then...the anger and all those emotions rear their ugly head and all u can think of is venting. take care...and thank you again for taking time for me...sincerely.
tojaz Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Dela, you already know whats best, whats healthy. You don't need us to tell you that sending her anything isn't going to help. If you write it, write it for you, sending it is just opening the door for her to hurt you some more. She doesn't deserve that kind of power. TOJAZ
Author delajoonal Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 tojaz...u know me oh so well...thank you darlin'... ur right, i do know what is best....but, at the moment i wrote the OP, it was THAT or an email to HER...so ya, i guess i did the right thing...but still need u all here on LS to point me in the right direction... as some days r so much more difficult than others.. i guess i was hoping to ruin HER holidays...u know.. have ME in her head on xmas morning...i know if i was her, it would eat at me so badly...but than again, i could never do to someone what she has done to me... anyway...can u tell i am more in the posting mode than lurking mode lately..LOL... i just gotta get thru Christmas...just gotta...i cannot call her, i will not write her i will NOT give her any part of ME during this time of year...right?!
imagine Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Delajoonal, You have been hurting for two years. I can imagine all that pain stored in a bottle. It is a poison that I want you to throw away. These occurrences have happened that you become stronger. Invest in life. Help someone else with these experiences. Ultimately, we die. What will you say to God on the day of judgment? Let it be: - Thank you for the gift of life!
Author delajoonal Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 imagine... as i stated ...some days r so much more difficult than others. i have gone weeks if not months without a second thought to ANY of it... but this time of year...sorry, while i should not have to apologize..but ya, the pain is intense.period. i have worked VERY hard to come THIS far...there are a few here on LS and off LS that know me very well and how hard i have worked... my entire life has been uprooted, literally because of THEM. i had to move 4 hours from the only home i have ever known, i lost my team of doctors i've had for over 15 yrs, i lost my car, my son, mother friends, everyone i love is many hours and miles away... i just wrote to a very dear friend today, this morning actually...i am very grateful, to God, for letting me open my eyes another day...at the same time, i also live with a horrific illness that is so physically painful, since i was a small child, i wonder how i even got this far in life... but NOTHING, nothing has kept me from LIVING each and everyday of MY life to the best of my ability...and i always give to those less fortunate than myself...daily. AND i always say my Prayers and i am thankful for what i do have...but it does NOT mean i can't hurt inside and be angry at time for what has been done to me..and yes, it seems as tho IT was done to me... so while i appreciate your sentiment...i almost felt u were judging me? while NOT really knowing me...other than the emotional pain my divorce has brought me...and what i post on LS... and yes, it has been 2 years...and it might be another 20 years...or it may be never...that i get over this pain of what THEY did to me... so i am thinking it is not so fair that it feels u have put a time frame, of sorts, on my emotional pain? i thought that is what LS was for...for everyone to support, understand and say kind things to each other, to get us thru these most difficult of times? as i recall, our very own Gunny has been posting for how many years???? yet NO one has ever judged him or said to him, basically move on it's been 2 years, u should be more thankful for life than THIS???? maybe i am being extremely sensitive or took your words in a deragatory way...but it is because i am hurting right now..immensley...just hurting, i am sorry i am not healing fast enough...for some...here on LS. thank you and take care...
hopesndreams Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Delajoonal, You have been hurting for two years. I can imagine all that pain stored in a bottle. It is a poison that I want you to throw away. These occurrences have happened that you become stronger. Invest in life. Help someone else with these experiences. Ultimately, we die. What will you say to God on the day of judgment? Let it be: - Thank you for the gift of life! I really like what's bolded imagine. It's so true too. With the holiday season my thoughts have been a bit poisonous at times and that must stop!! Dela, just let the cheaters be and whether or not they live happily ever after has no bearing on your life. They'll get theirs come judgment day. That much is certain! As you said on someone else's thread, a week or so ago, you got involved in a R that put a dead stop to your healing. It had you flying as high as a kite, remember? Read your thread from Feb 09. You need to find out what makes you tick, who you are and what you want out of life. Get to that happy place without another fella this time. Do some more grieving and wash away the bottled up pain, that is like a poison, with your tears.
Author delajoonal Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 hopesndreams... yes, i can C ur point...i did get involved in a R WAY too soon..and i ended that one 11 months to the day...but it started way too soon after my D ..in fact, i had been in this R 4months before my D was final.. i am in fact having to do a lot of soul searching at this point... i never want to go back to a R like i was just in.. nor into a "loveless" marriage as i was in before that... i really just need to spend some time alone and find MY OWN path... so, although i feel u and imagine were a bit harsh, maybe your words R softer...it's ONLY because u r right...it's true... i need to post and vent, and i dont' want to feel that everything i post will be judged and/or ridiculed... i need to grieve and vent just as the others on LS, i have noticed, reading more than posting lately...it seems there are alot more judgemental and very harsh words being used,responses then there use to be, no tolerance for people in pain?? ...what happened to the compassion here on LS???? we r all only human;)
hopesndreams Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 I didn't think my post was harsh. This is the exact same stuff I tell myself still, even after all this time, 17 months. When will it end eh? You vent and post all you want and whatever advice I give you, whether harsh or not, it will help me as well. Maybe this should be in the coping section?
Author delajoonal Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 hopesndreams... im sorry..i know u r trying to help.. i am so darn sensitive these days, i cry when i wake up, i cry before i go to sleep... i guess i am just looking for some comfort in the ONLY place i know...LS. it was may savior 2 yrs ago...and i am looking at starting over, yet again...now. i better go for a walk, clear my head...so much i need to work thru. thank you tho..i really do appreciate your time and consideration...truly.
Too Much Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Dela, I understand exactly how you must feel. I'm not doing so good too. What you feel is very normal. Trust me on this. Your ex DOES think about you, you can bet on that. You shared too many years for him hot to be thinking about your memories this Christmas time. Know that you still exist in his mind and have more power over him than you think. Does that mean you two will ever get back together? No. But it doesn't mean you were irrelevant. People don't forget that easily if they really loved.
Author delajoonal Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 toomuch... THANK YOU!!! u hit the nail on the head with this post.... i think partially that is the problem, i need some validation... i know i will never get back together with my XH...i was not in love with him anymore..it was just comfortable, so like i have so many times before, i can't blame him for searching out those 'butterflies'...yet he could have been a bit more diplomatic about it..LOL anyway...every year since we met, even before we were married, we would pick out and buy an ornament together, for the xmas tree... and each yr i would mark what yr it was from, etc. her i am left with ALL those ornaments, and memories, yet my family is gone :~( who knows..i may never get over IT...i miss his family as much as i miss him...they were all such a huge part of my life. anyway..before i ramble anymore.. THANK YOU again for being so kind and understanding.. i am so very sorry that u DO understand tho..cause that means u r hurting so much too...life just isn't fair sometimes, huh? again, ur post has just saved my day....literally..i was feeling so alone and like no one was ever going to get 'it'... ty again...
Too Much Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 Dela, I'm serious. Think about it. When you fall in love with someone and spend years with them in marriage, the brain develops a neurological pathway related to this person (life habits, things you do together, memories, etc.) These neurological pathways do NOT disappear with ease. That is why it is so difficult to break annoying habits or addictions. You ex has a neurological pathway that is everything you in his brain. It creaps up every now and then just like yours is doing now. I'm telling you, no way in the world he is not thinking of you this christmas. As to the OW, I can understand your feelings towards her. However, the problem lies with your ex. If he did the right thing, OW would NOT be a problem in your life. The ex is the real problem so contacting OW is not dealing with the source of the problem.
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