HopeisallIhave Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 I am sorry sound so desperate but I am at my wits end. My girlfriend of 12 years broke up with me almost 3 months ago. No seperation, just a straight break-up. She left majorly becasue I did not spend enough time with her frineds and family. I was selfish, stupid, and I will regret that until the day I die. I have not tole a soul, no frineds no family. I handled it the best I could, argeed to it in accordance with all the advice I have read, and tried to let her go for the time being. I bought relationship programs totaling almost $1000, I tried the Law of Attraction, everything short of stalking her which I WILL NOT DO. I have not called her a bunch, have not gone to her home or work, nothing. Ok so as you all know nost all the programs out there emophasize the use of NC, or No Contact. I tried for 3 weeks and this was living hell, complete living hell. Especially around the holidays. So I broke NC by sending her a present for x-mas, she said she appreciated but seemed to have cared less. She even tried to exchange the gifts I sent from my heart. Oh well that doesn't matter, what matters is that I screwed up BIGTIME, I let her know how much work I have been doing to better myself, and how much I want her back. She basically got mad (via email) and said "it's over". nearly 17hours later and my chest still stings. Ok so my question, WHADO I DO NOW TO GET HER BACK? I love this woman, I know I know get over her leave her she is not the one, but I love this woman guys I truly know I can make it work, I know I can and I am not going to ever give up! So, to all the experts out there...WHAT DO I DO????????!!!!!!!?????????
homebrew Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 1. Go read my thread called "The Definitive Guide If You Were Dumped (Pocket Edition)" 2. Follow it verbatim and NEVER deviate from it... not even once! 3. No Contact! Come on LS and ask US all your questions, get angry here, get upset here, get needy here, etc. 4. Print out the The Definitive Guide If You Were Dumped (Pocket Edition) and keep it in your wallet. Refer to it ever time you think about contacting her, her family, her friends, her paster, her co-workers, etc. That could be over 500 times a day. You want to best opportunity to win your EX back? Follow steps 1 - 4 and you will have the BEST POSSIBLE CHANCE! Otherwise, you will completely BLOW IT and look like a FOOL in the process with no hope of ever getting her back! No if ands or butts... We are the pros... we are here to help... Talk to your friends and family and the people on here. You are in a condition / situation that you are not equipped to make the correct decisions at the moment. Nobody is after they have been dumped... Especially after a 12 year relationship. Don't make matters worse spend time on LS... you are your own worst enemy at the moment. We are here to help!
Author HopeisallIhave Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 In regard to my post, I just wanted to mention I am a male in my early 30's dealing with the break-up from a female.
Capital P Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 You are in the denial stage, this will pass. You have read all the books, you know what you are supposed to do, you ignored all of that anyway You are looking for a secret answer and there isnt one. You should have stayed no contact, you are just making it worse like this. You have to keep no contact
Author HopeisallIhave Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 Capital P - I thought that this morning about the denial stage, its very simular if not exact to dealing with death of a loved one. But with death that is final, in life the are still alive to torment our daily thouhgts. Homebrew - I will check that out RIGHT NOW and thanks for taking the time to type your respose to my post.
Author HopeisallIhave Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 Regarding my post as also wanted to mention that I think I am part of my ex's mid-life crisis. She just had a birthday and every year for the past few years aroung her birthday time she hints to breaking up. In fact out of our 12 year relationship many years ago we were broken up before for a short while, and it was initiated by her near the time of her birthday. How could I not have seen this coming I am so stupid I might as well retarded please no offense to retarded people or families with I am just saying.
Capital P Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 Look dude, you dont sound together, AT ALL If someone crumbles to the ground during a break up, which you did, it generally means they arent in a good place to begin with. Mid life chrisis, whatever , she got bored, she thinks there is someone better out there for her than you at the moment If you keep harrassing her you will mess this up even further. Attraction grows from confidence and respect. Show her you can move on without her, thats you only chance
Author HopeisallIhave Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 (edited) Thanks Capital P. Yeah, I'm a mess right now. But despite the way I may sound I have been working out hard for almost 2 hours everyday exept weekends, taking vitamins, getting out all that. I just really sound this way becasue we made contact for the first time in a while last night via email an despite all the hard work and effort I have put in I completely and totally blew it. I am telling you its these damn holidays!!! Finally I wouldn't call this harrasing by sending her the gift. Man I could show up at ther work in about 20 minutes accross town. THATS HARRASSING. I am just a normal human being trying to cope man. And I have not contacted her (emailed her back) or called since she said it was over last noght. That took some strength. Edited December 20, 2010 by HopeisallIhave
Author HopeisallIhave Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 Capital P - "Show her you can move on without her, thats you only chance" As impossible as that may sound right now...You are so right.
GreenPolicy Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 NC is hard, it's really hard. Even though I know nothing good will come from contacting her, there are times where you want to hear her voice, hold her in your arms again, etc. I've had to really, really restrain myself from times at looking at her fb. I broke it only once after I deleted her as a friend and I got off easy - her profile pic was a picture of the Bay Bridge. If we don't get back together, someday I'll be replaced and I don't want the image of her and her new guy seared into my brain. The more you do, the less power you have and the worse you make things for yourself. The less you do, the more power you gain over the situation and your emotions and make it easier for yourself.
GreenPolicy Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 NC is about the long game. We panic after a breakup because something we assumed that was as automatic as the sun rising in the morning and taxes in April has been taken from us, and we are desperate to get it back. NC requires oodles of patience, and the payoff is long down the line. Most likely, 90 percent of the time, we heal, we get ourselves back, we move on, we meet somebody else. Or...the time apart gives our exes a chance to recognize what they had with us and reconciliation happens. NC is win-win. I can think of examples from friends and family where reconciliation happened...but it was months and months after the breakup occurred. My brother in law and sister dated for about 3-4 years, she dumped him, he did LC with her and they got back together 9 months later, then got engaged and married. A lady I worked with dated her bf for about 2.5 years, they drifted apart and stopped calling each other. No breakup conversation, but emotionally he was probably more dumper and she was more dumpee. They dated other people in between, she reached out to him several months later and they slowly rekindled things, and now they're back together and happy. Another friend of mine was at the same stage with her beau as I was at with my ex - they were looking at rings, planning to get married. His dad died, he had cold feet/jitters anyways, and then he bailed. They got back together 8-12 months later. So it can happen...but worry about getting yourself back and assume the breakup is permanent.
Author HopeisallIhave Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 (edited) Thanks Green Policy...did you say fb?? f fb!!!!!! She doesn't have the "luxury" of checking on me casue I don't have a fb, yet I get to see her relationship staus change after 12 years the day after THanksgiving whilke still in NC. OOOOUUUCCCCHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! Bann that site for screwing up relationships! She also gets to have sooo much attention on there you know how it is guys just flock to the gorls pages. Man. Anyways regarding the end of your post... I have read "The power in a relationship lies with the one who needs it least". Yeah I am sure you bought the program, maybe not. Anyway I even embedded this quote in my head....I guess I haven't quite gotten the concept yet enough to actually implement it. This sucks. Edited December 20, 2010 by HopeisallIhave
Author HopeisallIhave Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 Green Policy that is awesome about your brother-in-law. Thanks for the success stories. Problem is, I don't want to see other women, I mean obviously my wild side wouldn't might endulging especially after all this, but I am going to stay true to her though and though. Keep in mind I stayed true to her for 12 years. 12. YEARS.
fiat500 Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Sorry you're going through this especially during the holidays. Just know you're not alone at all. You have such a long history with her 12 years is a long time and I guess no matter how short or long you know someone for you can never predict what's going to happen. Rooting for you to get yourself back soon. And hopefully for the best outcome.
Capital P Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 yea 12 years is a long time She isnt just going to get over it believe me, but if you dont give her enough space to miss you then she will just be more adamant about the break up You have to let her think you are moving on, but that doesnt mean DO anything. Do not contact her, ever again, unless she contacts you. And when she does, come on here an they will tell you what to do
GreenPolicy Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Green Policy that is awesome about your brother-in-law. Thanks for the success stories. Problem is, I don't want to see other women, I mean obviously my wild side wouldn't might endulging especially after all this, but I am going to stay true to her though and though. Keep in mind I stayed true to her for 12 years. 12. YEARS. You obviously don't want to be with other women right now. I don't really want to either. But it's been two months, and I am forcing myself to talk to other girls and stuff. Take time to grieve and get yourself back. You have a long journey ahead of yourself. In six months to a year after the breakup, you'll probably be ready for another relationship. Hope is hard-wired into your heart, but you have to accept that for the time being, the relationship is over. You have to assume it is permanent. You are also emotionally not in a place right now where reconciliation could take place. You don't want them to see you when you're vulnerable and not behaving in an attractive fashion. As time passes, your heart will look for other ways.
Author HopeisallIhave Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 Ok guys if I initiate NC, which right now seems to be my only and last hope...do I Drop off the face of the earth? Or let her know I have accepted things and am moving on? Keep in mind we have x-mas in one week and new years following...NC?????
GreenPolicy Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Ok guys if I initiate NC, which right now seems to be my only and last hope...do I Drop off the face of the earth? Or let her know I have accepted things and am moving on? Keep in mind we have x-mas in one week and new years following...NC????? Say something like you respect her decision and that if she's not interested in working with you to save the relationship, then you can't stay in touch and you can't be friends. Do you have kids/property/ other business that is intertwined?
Author HopeisallIhave Posted December 21, 2010 Author Posted December 21, 2010 No kids no property no major simular friends so on. From what I read this is perfect for NC. Problme is I sent the NC initiaion letter as per advice of TDUB on the internet. Short, hand written. Broke NC in three weeks after that and here I am. Do I send another letter? Do I drop off the face of the earth considering all I have tried and done to basically push her further away?
GreenPolicy Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 No kids no property no major simular friends so on. From what I read this is perfect for NC. Problme is I sent the NC initiaion letter as per advice of TDUB on the internet. Short, hand written. Broke NC in three weeks after that and here I am. Do I send another letter? Do I drop off the face of the earth considering all I have tried and done to basically push her further away? In your shoes I would stick with NC since you've already done the letter once. Every time you break NC, you tell them that you haven't healed and moved on and they can have you back anytime they want.
restart Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Well, thought I'd give my 2cents on this, as 12yrs is really a long time bud! And you must have gotten close and gotten to know each other so well. And agree as above, unless you were short of abusing her, I don't see her getting over this that quickly either, unless it has been building for her (as you alluded to by the near-birthday moods). But was it really just the recent birthday-moods, or was she really continuing that throughout the last (couple?) years etc? For starts however, what isnt she telling you (that you havent told us)? Is there someone else in her life? Does she know WHY you didnt want to be around her friends and family, do you know WHY? On the surface, that appears as a coverup excuse I'm feeling, she's hiding something else, perhaps you know? Think deep, don't be afraid to share, since your words are all we have to go on. Since this is her breakup on YOU, and you both have shared a VERY long relationship, obviously you are still very into, and I think she is likely too, and it came suddenly in an ultimatum as you say, but was very very likely building and you didnt read the signals (well maybe you did, but you were in denial about them, rather than started communicating about them to understand or compromise or correct them, right?) If anything, maybe she just needs some space now, so give her that; were you giving her enough space, really think about it. Did she ever say you were suffocating her? Presents are fluff, don't go there as you've seen the reaction clearly. A Christmas and HNY card this time of year...why not. But just sign it Love...., and maybe crack a very short remark about her appearance or something really kinda offhand that is sure to make her smirk. No other smooshing. She may just throw it out without opening it, but its really harmless and its not a present thing, just the time of year. So with all said above, I'm driving you to analyse (just as we are) the things especially you want to deny. And if given the chance, are you really really able to do anything about them, ie can you even stand her friends ever, or family? You want her, so she must understand and come to her senses that she cant ask you to live with them and/or their baggage! But is there even a middle ground? If there isnt, you better move on with NC, since again you'd only be fooling yourself and then behaving the same way again. Accomplish things (physical, mental)..ie exercise (sounds like you were), cook, clean, dust till you drop!...shop (buy yourself something neat), work, hobbies etc. Exhaust yourself and when done, can at least look back (on the previous few hours) and say well I accomplished something rather than just pining.
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