elizabeth26 Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 I am seeking therapy for the issues I've dealt with after the ending of my last relationship. I dated him for 8 years, since I was 16 years old. We had problems towards the end, he had not made it clear that something more serious was coming next, we had a heart to heart and I agreed that I would wait until he was ready. He assured me he wanted to marry me. A few weeks later we had a small argument, which I started, and he broke up with me. It was strange to me how hard he took it, he acted heartbroken right off the bat. I was extremely depressed but I had hope that it was just an overreaction on his part. I was able to drag myself to work and put one foot in front of another to get through the day. We shared a house, finally after having my family talk some sense into me I decided to ask him point blank if he loved me and wanted to make this work. He said no. I started packing my things and moving out. The last day of packing he stopped by the house when I was alone. He tried to hug me and say he was sorry about how things went. He was acting like everything was fine. He wanted to "talk". Some things happened that I am not proud of, I slept with him. Then he told me he was in a relationship with a friend of ours, who would appreciate it if I not tell anyone yet. He kept asking me if I was ok. Then showered and went to her house. Everything has been a blur up until recently. I have had some extreme depression and difficulty being around people, I've always been shy but it has become hard to go out sometimes. After the depression passes I feel ok, but it always seems to come back. I have to say it has not been half as severe as it was at first. I had times where I should not have been driving and just could not function, it was the worst time of my life. I know the best thing to do is to put my past and my ex behind me but I'm terrified someone else will do the same thing to me. I have an amazing friend who is also my boyfriend, he understands what I've gone through and knows my ex, and although he says he is afraid that my ex will return and has similar fears about me leaving for him. I've decided recently that I want my life back completely, I am done being a survivor, I want to get my joy back. I want to know if anyone has been in a similar position and if you could tell me how you felt therapy will help and what to expect from therapy sessions. I have been lucky to have several strong women who helped me break through the worst times, but I know I have a long road back to complete trust. I feel I will never be able to give another person complete trust and that makes me very sad.
worlybear Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 Don't expect too much or any answers. IME the counsellors I have spoken to have been woefully inadequate but I think I expected too much.
dng Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 You have to work out for therapy to work. You have to state your goals to the therapist and pour your heart out and really search for answers. I would suggest doing psychoanalysis for your case, if you are seeking to resolve issues you've had since childhood, that's what he/she will help you face.
Author elizabeth26 Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 Yeah, I'm trying not to expect too much out of it, more like it is a good step and I may understand myself better through it. I have learned that understanding why this happened is pointless, what matters is it happened and how I respond to it. My ex has tried to unload his guilt by giving me the details and has tried to maintain a friendship but I can't accept having a friend who could do what he has done to me, seems idiotic to me and the unloading is for his own guilt, which he is going to have to wade through on his own. I am proud of myself for that much, being able to tell him I don't want him as a friend or anything else, but I know I need to heal myself.
Author elizabeth26 Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 You have to work out for therapy to work. You have to state your goals to the therapist and pour your heart out and really search for answers. I would suggest doing psychoanalysis for your case, if you are seeking to resolve issues you've had since childhood, that's what he/she will help you face. I am completely confused at what would be best, I have a sister who is a therapist but she is too close I think to help, she has her own anger towards him and has seen all that has happened for the most part, I am very open with my sisters, we support each other. Part of me doesn't want them to see my pain any longer, they were all worried, I faced a horrible betrayal, by my ex and my friends. I have cut all these people out of my life completely.
dng Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 I don't know where you live, but professionals are usually grouped under an organization, find out which org represents them in your area and they should guide you to the appropriate person. If you feel like you should do it, and you do feel like that, then by all means, go for it. I seeked out a therapist within a month after my troubles started, 6 months ago, and still seeing her. Its been awesome.
Author elizabeth26 Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 I'm lucky to have health coverage through my dad's work still being under 26, but I do want to find a therapy style and therapist who are best for me. I'm glad to hear it's helped you and hope I can do the same for myself.
i made a mess Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 Give yourself a pat on the back first and foremost. You've taken a positivestep forward in facing your emotions, feelings, and hurt. I just went to my very first psychologist appointment a week ago. The second we sat down and she asked what brought me in, I burst into tears. We talked about so many things, what is currently happening in my life, to childhood years. We discussed, why I'm feeling how I'm feeling, to what I hoped to achieve from therapy. I chose not to be medicated. I refuse to take a pill to make me "normal". We are trying cognitive therapy and I really like the style. She started me on a good book called "mars and Venus on a date" it discusses the 5 stages of dating and the importance of gig through each stage, etc. It's really good. I am also reading, "feel the fear, and do it anyway". Good luck! Remember one day at a time
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 The results of therapy, like everything else in life, vary based entirely on how much of yourself you are willing to dedicate. If you are one of those foolish people who say/think: "I want my therapist to maintain a 'good' image of me"... then you're doomed. You go to therapy, and from day one, moment one, you spill it all, regardless of how it makes you look or feel. To present an image of "somebody else" is a great way to solve the problems of "somebody else".
i made a mess Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Though I've only been to one session with my therapist, I agree below. At times, I'd try to stop myself from crying and say what I thought she wanted to hear. I felt a million times better once I just laid it all out. Friends and family general already have a preconceived opinion because they are partial to you. And for good reason. It felt good to talk to someone who doesn't know me or my ex and really offer good, diplomatic advice and insight. Write in a journal everything you want to discuss. This helped me a lot for my first session. Don't expect them to fix your problems for you. You are going to have to dedicate 100% effort to working and wanting to overcome the hurdles that brought you to therapy in the 1st place. It may take a month, it may take years...personally I think I'm going to continue my once a week sessions and just channel the intensity that I'm feeling about the situation I'm in into the process of healing and being a better person. Whether I reconcile with my ex or meet someone new, I know that I'll be open and able to trust, communicate, and be a better partner.
Author elizabeth26 Posted December 22, 2010 Author Posted December 22, 2010 The results of therapy, like everything else in life, vary based entirely on how much of yourself you are willing to dedicate. If you are one of those foolish people who say/think: "I want my therapist to maintain a 'good' image of me"... then you're doomed. You go to therapy, and from day one, moment one, you spill it all, regardless of how it makes you look or feel. To present an image of "somebody else" is a great way to solve the problems of "somebody else". What you said about not trying to look good in therapy will be on my list of what to avoid, I want to come out of this a more whole person, not just talk to someone. Thank you for the good advice.
Author elizabeth26 Posted December 22, 2010 Author Posted December 22, 2010 Though I've only been to one session with my therapist, I agree below. At times, I'd try to stop myself from crying and say what I thought she wanted to hear. I felt a million times better once I just laid it all out. Friends and family general already have a preconceived opinion because they are partial to you. And for good reason. It felt good to talk to someone who doesn't know me or my ex and really offer good, diplomatic advice and insight. Write in a journal everything you want to discuss. This helped me a lot for my first session. Don't expect them to fix your problems for you. You are going to have to dedicate 100% effort to working and wanting to overcome the hurdles that brought you to therapy in the 1st place. It may take a month, it may take years...personally I think I'm going to continue my once a week sessions and just channel the intensity that I'm feeling about the situation I'm in into the process of healing and being a better person. Whether I reconcile with my ex or meet someone new, I know that I'll be open and able to trust, communicate, and be a better partner. I am still apprehensive, but I really appreciate all the good advice that is coming my way, I definitely expect it to really suck at times, talking about everything that has gone on with my past relationship and my own problems. I have alot of anger towards my ex, I am looking forward to getting past what happened and moving on. Thanks for the great advice.
dng Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 I am still apprehensive, but I really appreciate all the good advice that is coming my way, I definitely expect it to really suck at times, talking about everything that has gone on with my past relationship and my own problems. I have alot of anger towards my ex, I am looking forward to getting past what happened and moving on. Thanks for the great advice. It depends on how you look at it. It doesnt really suck, quite the contrary. It feels liberating to me. I usually walk out of there feeling very light and relieved. You will learn to accept who you are, accept that you have feelings and emotions... I couldn't recommend it enought.
Feelin Frisky Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 Be careful in whom you chose for therapy. Some folk who have gravitated toward psychology sometimes fall into the trap of wanting to prove medical psychiatry wrong as if it's something to compete against. I call these people talk-therapy purists. What they can do is actually gamble with people's lives who give themselves over for care by resisting medical diagnosis and potential real medicine which could help immediately. Psycho-therapy has a history of this and it used to be a good thing as medications were pretty-much an admission of hopelessness. But medication has changed to the very opposite. It is not now something to stubbornly resist--it is not just a blanket tranquilizer or silencer but a mind and emotion focuser (indeed the opposite). One can now safely use meds transparently in their lives and achieve focus unattainable otherwise. And it is within this focus the we learn the small dynamics of what we feel, how we feel it, when we feel it, what those relationships are to our thoughts and whether or not out thoughts are in charge of our feeling or are our feeling dominating our thoughts. Through modern meds, we can find out our own real patterns and direct ourselves to better patterns. Talking is a gamble that one can simply reason basic problems that are chemical in nature away. We can't. Good luck.
Author elizabeth26 Posted December 22, 2010 Author Posted December 22, 2010 Be careful in whom you chose for therapy. Some folk who have gravitated toward psychology sometimes fall into the trap of wanting to prove medical psychiatry wrong as if it's something to compete against. I call these people talk-therapy purists. What they can do is actually gamble with people's lives who give themselves over for care by resisting medical diagnosis and potential real medicine which could help immediately. Psycho-therapy has a history of this and it used to be a good thing as medications were pretty-much an admission of hopelessness. But medication has changed to the very opposite. It is not now something to stubbornly resist--it is not just a blanket tranquilizer or silencer but a mind and emotion focuser (indeed the opposite). One can now safely use meds transparently in their lives and achieve focus unattainable otherwise. And it is within this focus the we learn the small dynamics of what we feel, how we feel it, when we feel it, what those relationships are to our thoughts and whether or not out thoughts are in charge of our feeling or are our feeling dominating our thoughts. Through modern meds, we can find out our own real patterns and direct ourselves to better patterns. Talking is a gamble that one can simply reason basic problems that are chemical in nature away. We can't. Good luck. I think I am more apprehensive about talking than taking medication, I have taken medication for depression before when I was in high school. I had a friend die in a car accident near my house when I was 16 and it severely traumatized me. I have had panic attacks and severe depression. I am a very shy person, I don't confide in many people, I'm working on being more open about how I feel and letting others in, so I hope by taking this step of talking about what is happening and what has happened will be freeing. I just told my current boyfriend about my decision and although he swears he thinks I don't need it, he is supportive of me and just wants me to be happy. I plan on focusing on solving my problems in a healthy way, whether medicine or counseling is best.
Author elizabeth26 Posted December 22, 2010 Author Posted December 22, 2010 It depends on how you look at it. It doesnt really suck, quite the contrary. It feels liberating to me. I usually walk out of there feeling very light and relieved. You will learn to accept who you are, accept that you have feelings and emotions... I couldn't recommend it enought. I really hope so! I really hate having those deeply personal conversations, I really get nervous. Either way it would definitely break me out of my shell and that can't be bad.
Feelin Frisky Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 I think I am more apprehensive about talking than taking medication, I have taken medication for depression before when I was in high school. I had a friend die in a car accident near my house when I was 16 and it severely traumatized me. I have had panic attacks and severe depression. I am a very shy person, I don't confide in many people, I'm working on being more open about how I feel and letting others in, so I hope by taking this step of talking about what is happening and what has happened will be freeing. I just told my current boyfriend about my decision and although he swears he thinks I don't need it, he is supportive of me and just wants me to be happy. I plan on focusing on solving my problems in a healthy way, whether medicine or counseling is best. Good. You're on the right track. Sorry you had to experience these traumas. I had quite a few in my youth and none bothers me more than being assaulted by an uncle in a way that could have killed me. I sometimes slip into wonder what am I that I can be hit. I have to come out of it by saying this was a crime and I could not have deserved it at age 10. The bastard brought it up again last year in an argument and said "I should have finished you off". Can you imagine? This guys went on from brutalizing me to becoming a police lieutenant in NYPD teaching at the academy. If I would have known then what I know now I would have had him jailed for domestic assault and battery on a minor not in his charge. He would have had no police career. Anyway, that's just one straw in the quiver on my back that I'll have to carry forever. Crimes are considered crimes for a reason--they injure psychlogically as well as physically. Good luck in your therapy. It seems like you're already clear on the potentials of both talk therapy and medication. I hope you realize the best extents of both.
Author elizabeth26 Posted August 4, 2011 Author Posted August 4, 2011 Good. You're on the right track. Sorry you had to experience these traumas. I had quite a few in my youth and none bothers me more than being assaulted by an uncle in a way that could have killed me. I sometimes slip into wonder what am I that I can be hit. I have to come out of it by saying this was a crime and I could not have deserved it at age 10. The bastard brought it up again last year in an argument and said "I should have finished you off". Can you imagine? This guys went on from brutalizing me to becoming a police lieutenant in NYPD teaching at the academy. If I would have known then what I know now I would have had him jailed for domestic assault and battery on a minor not in his charge. He would have had no police career. Anyway, that's just one straw in the quiver on my back that I'll have to carry forever. Crimes are considered crimes for a reason--they injure psychlogically as well as physically. Good luck in your therapy. It seems like you're already clear on the potentials of both talk therapy and medication. I hope you realize the best extents of both. Wow, you too! That is insane. I've always been leery of what draws a person to work in law enforcement. It's not what happens to us it's how we pick ourselves up after. I am doing very well lately and I hope the same for you.
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