A little freaked

[Spices]

Where to begin? Something tells me this will be long, so I apologize ahead of time.

 

5 ½ months back I met a guy at a nightclub. I was intoxicated & when he approached me and so conveniently offered to buy me another drink, I drunkenly accepted. I found him attractive & there was instant chemistry, so I saw no harm in it. Somehow, shortly after I received my drink we ended up making out. I've never even considered kissing a stranger before, and I know I wouldn't have done so if there wasn't alcohol involved. I'm a good girl with good morals, and after seeing how fast & aggressively he kissed me I immediately assumed his intentions & decided I that needed to escape as soon as possible. I was at the club for a friends birthday & we had a VIP booth. I told him I had to find my friends... he followed me, and we ended up kissing again; this time my friends saw... they immediately became very protective and ended up shooing him away from the VIP booth. He basically stalks me the whole night trying to get me to come out. He ends up talking to a very chatty woman who I work with & they exchanged numbers.

 

The next day he calls & texts me & I don't respond. He was very good looking & we had awesome chemistry but I had a gut feeling that told me to stay away. I was still a virgin at the time & didn't want to play risky amorous games with a stranger...

 

Three days later he shows up at my work. I work at a salon & it turns out that he exchanged numbers with the chatty girl I worked with. She told me they talked on the phone & he asked about me. She told him to come to the salon & that she'd cut his hair. Talk about creepy/awkward. I tried to avoid him but ended up running into him a few times. The girls I worked with said he told them that he felt so embarrassed and sorry for the way he was with me & that he never would have been so aggressive if he had not been drinking. They also said he was a really cool guy & that I should give him a chance. I took the bate. He called me apologized & asked me out. I gave him a chance & the rest is history. We clicked amazingly well. It wasn't until the third date that I came to the realization that he was married...

 

I'm a smart girl & pretty good at reading in between the lines. Because of all the signs I was seeing I quickly figured out that he had a wife. To me this was unacceptable. I sent him a text saying that we shouldn't talk anymore, because I knew he was married and I wasn't about to play games. He got really upset & flipped. I ended up answering his phone call and he gave me a huge sob story. We already had obvious feelings or each other, so I agreed to see him that night. Big stupid mistake on my part. I can honestly say that was the night we started really falling hard for each other. He told me his wife was in the military & overseas. He also said she was cold, unaffectionate, and that they constantly fought 24/7. They had no kids, and he said he was kind of scared to have kids with her because they had so many problems. He said he needed me to "save" him & that he couldn't loose me. I don't know what It was... maybe it's because I'm so inexperienced with men & was feeling vulnerable, but I bought in & agreed to keep seeing him. We had a lot of fun together and I kind of just wanted to see where things would go. He took me to DC that weekend & we had a blast. He knew I was a virgin & didn't pressure me to do anything I didn't want to do. Two months later, and only after he asked his wife for a divorce was when when I decided to loose my virginity to him. It felt so right at the time.

 

When his wife came back he moved out of his house. That's when things started getting sour.

 

He became depressed & wasn't the same man. We still had fun, but I could tell he was hurting because he basically lost everything. I kept telling him to try and work things out with his wife, but he kept refusing. So many times I tried to break it off with him... telling him that he needed to sort things out with his wife before we could really truly be together. They've been together 5 years while we had only just met... all the logic in our heads told us that what he was doing was insane, but our hearts were already in deep. We were in love.

 

To cut a long story short, he ended up giving in & decided to work things out at home. He needed to make a decision. He either needed closure, or needed to be with her. I agreed that it was the best thing, even though my heart was aching horribly inside. It was only then that I could truly imagine how much pain his wife must had felt when he asked her for a divorce.

 

When we said our "final goodbye" he was crying & I was in tears. He said this was probably the hardest thing that he's ever had to endure. I decided that after that no contact was the best thing for both of us & so I resisted my urges to call or text him. I was determined to make it seem as if I had dropped off of the planet. Not even a week went by before I received a call from him. He was taking our break hard & kept saying that he missed me. It's been almost three weeks and he calls me three times a day, every day. Apparently him and his wife still argue & still talk about getting a divorce. He says they're going to get divorced anyway (while staying together) just in case one of them wants to up and leave. We agreed that we couldn't see each other, no matter what. Apparently the chemistry we have is 10x stronger than it is with his wife & seeing each other would only make things worse. He tells me that the passion he once had or his wife is not there anymore. He says he doesn't even have the urge to kiss her.

 

Anyway, apparently he couldn't take it any more & finally asked if he could take me out to dinner to talk. I reluctantly agreed. We're supposed to do it this Wednesday. Yesterday he called & invited me to eat Thai with him and his best friend. I saw little harm in that, and so I went out with them... it was weird. He still treated me like I was his girlfriend. Very touchy feely & always grabbing my hand. When I dropped him off at his car he tried to kiss me & I refused to let him do it.. he ended up kissing me on the cheek a hundred times instead.

 

This feels so weird... we're still supposed to meet up this Wednesday & I haven't a clue what to do or how I should handle the situation. I definitely don't want to have an affair with him or be the "other woman", but it is brutally clear that we still love each other. Yesterday he told me that he always wants me to be in his life & still wants to see me even if he does stay with his wife... (red flag, yeah?) I asked him if that was really healthy & he said "no, probably not... but I really need it. I can't loose you"

 

So confused. What should I do? I'm young & to be quite honest, this is my first real relationship. It's kind of funny, because I've been so guarded in the past, and the minuet I decide to open my heart this happens. Believe me, if I could turn off these feelings I would. My head & morals are screaming "no, no, no!" but my heart is telling me quite the opposite... I need advice.

Edited December 20, 2010 by Spices

[BB07]

Welcome to LS spices....

I read your story and you keep talking about how you knew it was wrong and that you are young, but obviously you are an adult and you have a sense of what is right and wrong for you, but you seem to be making excuses for going against what you thought was right........right?

 

To start with.......you need to own where you are and how you got there and I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but chances are that someone else will come along and put it a lot more harsher than I am.

 

I'm not clear what you want advice about, are you asking what you should say to him in the meeting or are you asking us here at LS if we think there is a possibility that things are going to work out for you and him??

 

In the meantime I suggest you read a lot of the posts here and you'll find that the majority of these things do not work out in the OW's favor. Often times the cost is very great to your heart and your self esteem.

Edited December 21, 2010 by BB07

[Heather1]

I'm wondering how your co-workers didn't know he was married?

 

He sounds like the worst kind of prick....I'm sorry. He should have told you he was married & he pursued you BIG TIME & not in a natural way. He did it in a stalking manner (maybe he found out you were a virgin?).

 

The red flags started @ the night club when he wouldn't leave you alone. Since this is your first real relationship, then learn your first relationship lesson & cut your losses. Tip toe out, he's manipulating you all the way!

[Spices]

Welcome to LS spices....

I read your story and you keep talking about how you knew it was wrong and that you are young, but obviously you are an adult and you have a sense of what is right and wrong for you, but you seem to be making excuses for going against what you thought was right........right?

 

To start with.......you need to own where you are and how you got there and I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but chances are that someone else will come along and put it a lot more harsher than I am.

 

It's ok, I actually appreciate this kind of criticism. Sometimes tough love is the only kind that actually slaps you back to reality. I never should have gotten myself into this kind of situation in the first place.

 

I'm not clear what you want advice about, are you asking what you should say to him in the meeting or are you asking us here at LS if we think there is a possibility that things are going to work out for you and him??

 

I suppose I was looking for advice on both of those things. I don't know if my own mindset is in the best shape for making objective decisions.

 

In the meantime I suggest you read a lot of the posts here and you'll find that the majority of these things do not work out in the OW's favor. Often times the cost is very great to your heart and your self esteem.

 

I've noticed...

[Spices]

I'm wondering how your co-workers didn't know he was married?

 

Nobody knew anything about him. He was a complete stranger to all of us.

 

He sounds like the worst kind of prick....I'm sorry. He should have told you he was married & he pursued you BIG TIME & not in a natural way. He did it in a stalking manner (maybe he found out you were a virgin?).

 

He didn't know I was a virgin until the 3rd date, and when he found out I was he was pretty shocked, as most people are.

 

The red flags started @ the night club when he wouldn't leave you alone. Since this is your first real relationship, then learn your first relationship lesson & cut your losses. Tip toe out, he's manipulating you all the way!

 

Good advice.

 

We met up yesterday at another one of his friends houses. He bought both me & my mom some Christmas gifts. (keep in mind, both him & my mother are quite fond of each other, and she is aware of his situation...).

 

He was incredibly loving and affectionate, constantly embracing & touching me, always holding my hand, which confused me even more. We ended up going in my car to talk. I told him I was not going to kiss him, and he agreed that it was the best thing. He said that the second he kissed me he knew he would loose me; though we came dangerously close on multiple occasions, and it didn't stop him from kissing me all over my face.

 

I told him that I could never be the other woman, and he also agreed with that, saying that he loved and respected me way too much to put me in that position. He kept telling me he loved me... he said it tore him up inside because I was his ideal & everything he would ever want in a woman. He said that right now his heart is more with me than it is with his wife... he also said that he wished he would have waited longer living away from his wife. He said he feels like a little starving Ethiopian kid that had spent some time in Disneyland, and now had to go back home to Ethiopia, lol. His wife is really trying hard to keep their marriage together though... I feel horrible that we have these feelings for each other.

 

Damn. I wish he never would have told me that stuff. I wish he never would have embraced me. It just made things so much harder. I know I shouldn't meet him on Wednesday, but I hate breaking plans & I already got him a christmas present.

Edited December 21, 2010 by Spices

[BB07]

Nobody knew anything about him. He was a complete stranger to all of us.

 

 

 

He didn't know I was a virgin until the 3rd date, and when he found out I was he was pretty shocked, as most people are.

 

 

 

Good advice.

 

We met up yesterday at another one of his friends houses. He bought both me & my mom some Christmas gifts. (keep in mind, both him & my mother are quite fond of each other, and she is aware of his situation...).

 

He was incredibly loving and affectionate, constantly embracing & touching me, always holding my hand, which confused me even more. We ended up going in my car to talk. I told him I was not going to kiss him, and he agreed that it was the best thing. He said that the second he kissed me he knew he would loose me; though we came dangerously close on multiple occasions, and it didn't stop him from kissing me all over my face.

 

I told him that I could never be the other woman, and he also agreed with that, saying that he loved and respected me way too much to put me in that position. He kept telling me he loved me... he said it tore him up inside because I was his ideal & everything he would ever want in a woman. He said that right now his heart is more with me than it is with his wife... he also said that he wished he would have waited longer living away from his wife. He said he feels like a little starving Ethiopian kid that had spent some time in Disneyland, and now had to go back home to Ethiopia, lol. His wife is really trying hard to keep their marriage together though... I feel horrible that we have these feelings for each other.

 

Damn. I wish he never would have told me that stuff. I wish he never would have embraced me. It just made things so much harder. I know I shouldn't meet him on Wednesday, but I hate breaking plans & I already got him a christmas present.

 

One thing spices......are ARE the other woman, whether you want to call it that or not.

This man might really be in love with you, I have no way of knowing, but you are putting way to much weight on what he is saying. Words are pretty, they are nice to hear but they don't mean a damn thing without some action.

 

This is what I suggest........and it's the best chance you have at not remaining the OW and inviting more pain and heartbreak for yourself down the road. Either embrace the position of being OW and all that comes with that (only having little bits here and there and being hidden) and don't expect anything more.........OR get tough right now, tell him that you will NOT be the OW and you will NOT see him anymore as long as he hasn't filed some divorce papers, (and yes you need to see them as mm have been known to lie about them). Be strong........be tough, don't listen to any bs explanations or excuses, tell him it's OVER until he does what he has to do. Stay strong, stay firm......

Right now.......both of you are just "saying stuff about not being the OW" but you ARE. If you don't want to be then refuse to be any longer.

[Kismetly]

One thing spices......are ARE the other woman, whether you want to call it that or not.

This man might really be in love with you, I have no way of knowing, but you are putting way to much weight on what he is saying. Words are pretty, they are nice to hear but they don't mean a damn thing without some action.

 

This is what I suggest........and it's the best chance you have at not remaining the OW and inviting more pain and heartbreak for yourself down the road. Either embrace the position of being OW and all that comes with that (only having little bits here and there and being hidden) and don't expect anything more.........OR get tough right now, tell him that you will NOT be the OW and you will NOT see him anymore as long as he hasn't filed some divorce papers, (and yes you need to see them as mm have been known to lie about them). Be strong........be tough, don't listen to any bs explanations or excuses, tell him it's OVER until he does what he has to do. Stay strong, stay firm......

Right now.......both of you are just "saying stuff about not being the OW" but you ARE. If you don't want to be then refuse to be any longer.

 

Great post BB. Spices - I think you and I could both benefit from taking this advice to heart.

 

Take care, K

[Spices]

One thing spices......are ARE the other woman, whether you want to call it that or not.

This man might really be in love with you, I have no way of knowing, but you are putting way to much weight on what he is saying. Words are pretty, they are nice to hear but they don't mean a damn thing without some action.

 

You're right. Actions speak louder than words.

 

The thing is, he's so damn impulsive. When he met me he impulsively chose to ask his wife or a divorce & move out of his home, and once he found out his wife was seeing someone else, he impulsively tried to go back and make things work with her. At the same time he begs me to not see anyone else, at least, until he can make a decision. wtf. Men are so damn territorial.

 

This is what I suggest........and it's the best chance you have at not remaining the OW and inviting more pain and heartbreak for yourself down the road. Either embrace the position of being OW and all that comes with that (only having little bits here and there and being hidden) and don't expect anything more.........OR get tough right now, tell him that you will NOT be the OW and you will NOT see him anymore as long as he hasn't filed some divorce papers, (and yes you need to see them as mm have been known to lie about them). Be strong........be tough, don't listen to any bs explanations or excuses, tell him it's OVER until he does what he has to do. Stay strong, stay firm......

Right now.......both of you are just "saying stuff about not being the OW" but you ARE. If you don't want to be then refuse to be any longer.

 

Excellent advice. I think I will tell him this today. I hope I can muster up the strength.

 

And yeah, I suppose you could classify me as the other OW right now... even though we are no longer physical, he's still emotionally cheating on her with me.

[Rose1977]

You definitely are the OW, and it's not just emotional if he was in a car kissing your face yesterday.

 

I think the only thing you can do is NC. And I think you should start it now. I am not in either of yours' shoes, so I can't tell you if what he is saying is true or not and I can't assess whether he is truly in love with you. IMO, you can only go by actions, and as you can see by reading other threads here, he has done what most other MM do and ended up going back to his wife and expecting you to wait, NOT DATE (WTF??), and be there whenever he wants you. I am not saying a happy ending is impossible... it happens - they leave their wife and marry the OW sometimes. I just look at it this way - he has no kids, no real reason to stay in a loveless marriage he compares to being in Ethiopa.... I am just being brutally honest here - if he loved you so much, why wouldn't he be with you? There is nothing to stop him, he's clearly not afraid to leave his wife, he's just afraid that either you or his W will date other people and not revolve their lives around him anymore.

 

IMO, the only way to get the situation under control and give you the time to think clearly is to initiate NC... and don't break it under any circumstances until he comes to you with divorce papers in hand and tells you he wants a future with you. Also, this is only my opinion, but you sound like an intelligent woman with self-respect - I think some distance will give you time to think about if you really want to be with a man who lies and lives 2 separate lives like he does. He doesn't seem to have much guilt, he seems more concerned about stringing you along so you don't date anyone else.

 

I'm so sorry if this sounds mean, I really don't mean for it to sound harsh. I know you're hurting right now and I don't wish that on anyone. But you do have the power to minimize the future hurt at this point.

[phillyfan]

Where to begin? Something tells me this will be long, so I apologize ahead of time.

 

5 ½ months back I met a guy at a nightclub. I was intoxicated & when he approached me and so conveniently offered to buy me another drink, I drunkenly accepted. I found him attractive & there was instant chemistry, so I saw no harm in it. Somehow, shortly after I received my drink we ended up making out. I've never even considered kissing a stranger before, and I know I wouldn't have done so if there wasn't alcohol involved. I'm a good girl with good morals, and after seeing how fast & aggressively he kissed me I immediately assumed his intentions & decided I that needed to escape as soon as possible. I was at the club for a friends birthday & we had a VIP booth. I told him I had to find my friends... he followed me, and we ended up kissing again; this time my friends saw... they immediately became very protective and ended up shooing him away from the VIP booth. He basically stalks me the whole night trying to get me to come out. He ends up talking to a very chatty woman who I work with & they exchanged numbers.

 

The next day he calls & texts me & I don't respond. He was very good looking & we had awesome chemistry but I had a gut feeling that told me to stay away. I was still a virgin at the time & didn't want to play risky amorous games with a stranger...

 

Three days later he shows up at my work. I work at a salon & it turns out that he exchanged numbers with the chatty girl I worked with. She told me they talked on the phone & he asked about me. She told him to come to the salon & that she'd cut his hair. Talk about creepy/awkward. I tried to avoid him but ended up running into him a few times. The girls I worked with said he told them that he felt so embarrassed and sorry for the way he was with me & that he never would have been so aggressive if he had not been drinking. They also said he was a really cool guy & that I should give him a chance. I took the bate. He called me apologized & asked me out. I gave him a chance & the rest is history. We clicked amazingly well. It wasn't until the third date that I came to the realization that he was married...

 

I'm a smart girl & pretty good at reading in between the lines. Because of all the signs I was seeing I quickly figured out that he had a wife. To me this was unacceptable. I sent him a text saying that we shouldn't talk anymore, because I knew he was married and I wasn't about to play games. He got really upset & flipped. I ended up answering his phone call and he gave me a huge sob story. We already had obvious feelings or each other, so I agreed to see him that night. Big stupid mistake on my part. I can honestly say that was the night we started really falling hard for each other. He told me his wife was in the military & overseas. He also said she was cold, unaffectionate, and that they constantly fought 24/7. They had no kids, and he said he was kind of scared to have kids with her because they had so many problems. He said he needed me to "save" him & that he couldn't loose me. I don't know what It was... maybe it's because I'm so inexperienced with men & was feeling vulnerable, but I bought in & agreed to keep seeing him. We had a lot of fun together and I kind of just wanted to see where things would go. He took me to DC that weekend & we had a blast. He knew I was a virgin & didn't pressure me to do anything I didn't want to do. Two months later, and only after he asked his wife for a divorce was when when I decided to loose my virginity to him. It felt so right at the time.

 

When his wife came back he moved out of his house. That's when things started getting sour.

 

He became depressed & wasn't the same man. We still had fun, but I could tell he was hurting because he basically lost everything. I kept telling him to try and work things out with his wife, but he kept refusing. So many times I tried to break it off with him... telling him that he needed to sort things out with his wife before we could really truly be together. They've been together 5 years while we had only just met... all the logic in our heads told us that what he was doing was insane, but our hearts were already in deep. We were in love.

 

To cut a long story short, he ended up giving in & decided to work things out at home. He needed to make a decision. He either needed closure, or needed to be with her. I agreed that it was the best thing, even though my heart was aching horribly inside. It was only then that I could truly imagine how much pain his wife must had felt when he asked her for a divorce.

 

When we said our "final goodbye" he was crying & I was in tears. He said this was probably the hardest thing that he's ever had to endure. I decided that after that no contact was the best thing for both of us & so I resisted my urges to call or text him. I was determined to make it seem as if I had dropped off of the planet. Not even a week went by before I received a call from him. He was taking our break hard & kept saying that he missed me. It's been almost three weeks and he calls me three times a day, every day. Apparently him and his wife still argue & still talk about getting a divorce. He says they're going to get divorced anyway (while staying together) just in case one of them wants to up and leave. We agreed that we couldn't see each other, no matter what. Apparently the chemistry we have is 10x stronger than it is with his wife & seeing each other would only make things worse. He tells me that the passion he once had or his wife is not there anymore. He says he doesn't even have the urge to kiss her.

 

Anyway, apparently he couldn't take it any more & finally asked if he could take me out to dinner to talk. I reluctantly agreed. We're supposed to do it this Wednesday. Yesterday he called & invited me to eat Thai with him and his best friend. I saw little harm in that, and so I went out with them... it was weird. He still treated me like I was his girlfriend. Very touchy feely & always grabbing my hand. When I dropped him off at his car he tried to kiss me & I refused to let him do it.. he ended up kissing me on the cheek a hundred times instead.

 

This feels so weird... we're still supposed to meet up this Wednesday & I haven't a clue what to do or how I should handle the situation. I definitely don't want to have an affair with him or be the "other woman", but it is brutally clear that we still love each other. Yesterday he told me that he always wants me to be in his life & still wants to see me even if he does stay with his wife... (red flag, yeah?) I asked him if that was really healthy & he said "no, probably not... but I really need it. I can't loose you"

 

So confused. What should I do? I'm young & to be quite honest, this is my first real relationship. It's kind of funny, because I've been so guarded in the past, and the minuet I decide to open my heart this happens. Believe me, if I could turn off these feelings I would. My head & morals are screaming "no, no, no!" but my heart is telling me quite the opposite... I need advice.

 

Why are u still seein this azzhole?

 

He is married, aggressively goes afta hot girls in clubs, took ur virginity then went back to his wife.

 

Again why the hell r u still seein this azzhole?

 

Take it from a dude - he is playin u - completly playin u, and I guarantee u r not the only time he cheated. Find a nice young guy without all the sh*tty baggage who actually gives a sh*t about u.

[phillyfan]

He said he feels like a little starving Ethiopian kid that had spent some time in Disneyland, and now had to go back home to Ethiopia, lol.

 

Dude that is SICK. The guy is a complete pr*ck for sayin that.

 

Jus stop makin excuses, stop hangin with him, stop lettin the slimeball kiss ur face or whateva, it is all so sleazy-throw his present away, dont be that girl that lets a dude use her for sex and ego massagin, cos that is what he is doin. U need to own this more, u think u r not his mistress, but u sit in a car with him while he kisses ur face and says he loves u?!?

[fooled once]

Where to begin? Something tells me this will be long, so I apologize ahead of time.

 

5 ½ months back I met a guy at a nightclub. I was intoxicated & when he approached me and so conveniently offered to buy me another drink, I drunkenly accepted. I found him attractive & there was instant chemistry, so I saw no harm in it. Somehow, shortly after I received my drink we ended up making out. I've never even considered kissing a stranger before, and I know I wouldn't have done so if there wasn't alcohol involved. I'm a good girl with good morals, and after seeing how fast & aggressively he kissed me I immediately assumed his intentions & decided I that needed to escape as soon as possible. I was at the club for a friends birthday & we had a VIP booth. I told him I had to find my friends... he followed me, and we ended up kissing again; this time my friends saw... they immediately became very protective and ended up shooing him away from the VIP booth. He basically stalks me the whole night trying to get me to come out. He ends up talking to a very chatty woman who I work with & they exchanged numbers.

 

The next day he calls & texts me & I don't respond. He was very good looking & we had awesome chemistry but I had a gut feeling that told me to stay away. I was still a virgin at the time & didn't want to play risky amorous games with a stranger...

 

Three days later he shows up at my work. I work at a salon & it turns out that he exchanged numbers with the chatty girl I worked with. She told me they talked on the phone & he asked about me. She told him to come to the salon & that she'd cut his hair. Talk about creepy/awkward. I tried to avoid him but ended up running into him a few times. The girls I worked with said he told them that he felt so embarrassed and sorry for the way he was with me & that he never would have been so aggressive if he had not been drinking. They also said he was a really cool guy & that I should give him a chance. I took the bate. He called me apologized & asked me out. I gave him a chance & the rest is history. We clicked amazingly well. It wasn't until the third date that I came to the realization that he was married...

 

I'm a smart girl & pretty good at reading in between the lines. Because of all the signs I was seeing I quickly figured out that he had a wife. To me this was unacceptable. I sent him a text saying that we shouldn't talk anymore, because I knew he was married and I wasn't about to play games. He got really upset & flipped. I ended up answering his phone call and he gave me a huge sob story. We already had obvious feelings or each other, so I agreed to see him that night. Big stupid mistake on my part. I can honestly say that was the night we started really falling hard for each other. He told me his wife was in the military & overseas. He also said she was cold, unaffectionate, and that they constantly fought 24/7. They had no kids, and he said he was kind of scared to have kids with her because they had so many problems. He said he needed me to "save" him & that he couldn't loose me. I don't know what It was... maybe it's because I'm so inexperienced with men & was feeling vulnerable, but I bought in & agreed to keep seeing him. We had a lot of fun together and I kind of just wanted to see where things would go. He took me to DC that weekend & we had a blast. He knew I was a virgin & didn't pressure me to do anything I didn't want to do. Two months later, and only after he asked his wife for a divorce was when when I decided to loose my virginity to him. It felt so right at the time.

 

When his wife came back he moved out of his house. That's when things started getting sour.

 

He became depressed & wasn't the same man. We still had fun, but I could tell he was hurting because he basically lost everything. I kept telling him to try and work things out with his wife, but he kept refusing. So many times I tried to break it off with him... telling him that he needed to sort things out with his wife before we could really truly be together. They've been together 5 years while we had only just met... all the logic in our heads told us that what he was doing was insane, but our hearts were already in deep. We were in love.

 

To cut a long story short, he ended up giving in & decided to work things out at home. He needed to make a decision. He either needed closure, or needed to be with her. I agreed that it was the best thing, even though my heart was aching horribly inside. It was only then that I could truly imagine how much pain his wife must had felt when he asked her for a divorce.

 

When we said our "final goodbye" he was crying & I was in tears. He said this was probably the hardest thing that he's ever had to endure. I decided that after that no contact was the best thing for both of us & so I resisted my urges to call or text him. I was determined to make it seem as if I had dropped off of the planet. Not even a week went by before I received a call from him. He was taking our break hard & kept saying that he missed me. It's been almost three weeks and he calls me three times a day, every day. Apparently him and his wife still argue & still talk about getting a divorce. He says they're going to get divorced anyway (while staying together) just in case one of them wants to up and leave. We agreed that we couldn't see each other, no matter what. Apparently the chemistry we have is 10x stronger than it is with his wife & seeing each other would only make things worse. He tells me that the passion he once had or his wife is not there anymore. He says he doesn't even have the urge to kiss her.

 

Anyway, apparently he couldn't take it any more & finally asked if he could take me out to dinner to talk. I reluctantly agreed. We're supposed to do it this Wednesday. Yesterday he called & invited me to eat Thai with him and his best friend. I saw little harm in that, and so I went out with them... it was weird. He still treated me like I was his girlfriend. Very touchy feely & always grabbing my hand. When I dropped him off at his car he tried to kiss me & I refused to let him do it.. he ended up kissing me on the cheek a hundred times instead.

 

This feels so weird... we're still supposed to meet up this Wednesday & I haven't a clue what to do or how I should handle the situation. I definitely don't want to have an affair with him or be the "other woman", but it is brutally clear that we still love each other. Yesterday he told me that he always wants me to be in his life & still wants to see me even if he does stay with his wife... (red flag, yeah?) I asked him if that was really healthy & he said "no, probably not... but I really need it. I can't loose you"

 

So confused. What should I do? I'm young & to be quite honest, this is my first real relationship. It's kind of funny, because I've been so guarded in the past, and the minuet I decide to open my heart this happens. Believe me, if I could turn off these feelings I would. My head & morals are screaming "no, no, no!" but my heart is telling me quite the opposite... I need advice.

 

You are the OW. You are seeing a married man. A man who made the CHOICE to go back to his wife and work on his marriage AND continue to flirt and make passes at you.

 

Please stop with the whole can't control ourselves and the won't kiss him but will let him basically eat your face.

 

This guy is playing you. Heck, he may even be making passes at your mom for all you know - why would some guy buy the mom of his mistress gifts????? Doesn't that scream something to you???

 

Nobody knew anything about him. He was a complete stranger to all of us.

 

He didn't know I was a virgin until the 3rd date, and when he found out I was he was pretty shocked, as most people are.

 

We met up yesterday at another one of his friends houses. He bought both me & my mom some Christmas gifts. (keep in mind, both him & my mother are quite fond of each other, and she is aware of his situation...).

 

He was incredibly loving and affectionate, constantly embracing & touching me, always holding my hand, which confused me even more. We ended up going in my car to talk. I told him I was not going to kiss him, and he agreed that it was the best thing. He said that the second he kissed me he knew he would loose me; though we came dangerously close on multiple occasions, and it didn't stop him from kissing me all over my face.

 

I told him that I could never be the other woman, and he also agreed with that, saying that he loved and respected me way too much to put me in that position. He kept telling me he loved me... he said it tore him up inside because I was his ideal & everything he would ever want in a woman. He said that right now his heart is more with me than it is with his wife... he also said that he wished he would have waited longer living away from his wife. He said he feels like a little starving Ethiopian kid that had spent some time in Disneyland, and now had to go back home to Ethiopia, lol. His wife is really trying hard to keep their marriage together though... I feel horrible that we have these feelings for each other.

 

Damn. I wish he never would have told me that stuff. I wish he never would have embraced me. It just made things so much harder. I know I shouldn't meet him on Wednesday, but I hate breaking plans & I already got him a christmas present.

 

Again you are the OW. Stop saying you aren't going to do this or aren't going to do that and then DO exactly what you claim you aren't going to do.

 

He is 'tore up inside' because his naive other woman isn't completely giving him the ego feed/ego boost he needs.

 

You seem more than willing to be his mistress. You want the attention. You want the flattery. You want him to chase you.

 

And if / when his wife finds out about you and where you live......

 

This guy sounds creepy and stalkerish. How did he get your phone number to begin with? You must have given it to him.

 

One thing spices......are ARE the other woman, whether you want to call it that or not.

This man might really be in love with you, I have no way of knowing, but you are putting way to much weight on what he is saying. Words are pretty, they are nice to hear but they don't mean a damn thing without some action.

 

This is what I suggest........and it's the best chance you have at not remaining the OW and inviting more pain and heartbreak for yourself down the road. Either embrace the position of being OW and all that comes with that (only having little bits here and there and being hidden) and don't expect anything more.........OR get tough right now, tell him that you will NOT be the OW and you will NOT see him anymore as long as he hasn't filed some divorce papers, (and yes you need to see them as mm have been known to lie about them). Be strong........be tough, don't listen to any bs explanations or excuses, tell him it's OVER until he does what he has to do. Stay strong, stay firm......

Right now.......both of you are just "saying stuff about not being the OW" but you ARE. If you don't want to be then refuse to be any longer.

 

Great advice.

 

Stop playing the game you two are playing.

 

Either embrace being the OW or end the affair. Those are your choices.

 

I would go one step further than what BB said - I would not date this guy until he was DIVORCED and had some counseling.

 

without that, I have a feeling as soon as he tires of you, he will be picking up someone in a bar. He will tell her how cold you are, how mean you are, how you are always arguing, etc...

 

He is a player. He is playing you. Any man who respects a woman wouldn't play her or put her in the position you are in.

[BB07]

You know........I'm beginning to like phillyfan's posts......I think he is spot on.

[BB07]

He is a player. He is playing you. Any man who respects a woman wouldn't play her or put her in the position you are in.

 

I agree with FO........he is a player and the more you say spices the more dangerous I think this guy is. He is really bad news spices.......really bad.

[Spices]

Thank you for the advice guys. You've helped me make up my mind.

[Woman In Blue]

I stopped reading your post when you stated you found out on date #3 that lover boy had LIED TO YOU about being married - and you continued to see the slime bucket.

 

That makes you a volunteer - and not a very bright one at that. Where's your pride and dignity? You find out some dirtbag LIED to you and CONNED you, and continue seeing him?

 

You deserve whatever you get.

[Spices]

Christ. I invite constructive criticism, but doing it in an attacking way is both unnecessary and uncalled for. I'm sure you've all made mistakes in your lives that you're not so proud of.

 

He never lied to me about being married. He just never told me. He definitely owned up once I found out. He opened up big time. Took the steps that he had to in order to keep me.

 

Yes, I'm aware of his player ways; I was from the beginning. He's had others before me, but never got attached to any of them. Neither of us were planning to get attached, but hey? It happens to the best of us. He's also not a horrible person, and he is good to me and others. Loves my family, helped me with my career, ect. I would have dropped him in the beginning if it were otherwise.

 

Anyway, its all said & done. I ended things. Learned my lesson & not looking back. Blah, blah.

Edited December 24, 2010 by Spices

[alexandria35]

When he met me he impulsively chose to ask his wife or a divorce & move out of his home, and once he found out his wife was seeing someone else, he impulsively tried to go back and make things work with her.

 

Oh My God! this guy is so making a fool out of you and his wife. What he says to you about his heart really being with you and not with his wife is pretty standard MM talk but most MM have some additional sob story to go with it. Like they just can't leave their kids or their wife is a crazy bitch and she will kill herself if he tries to leave. Not this guy! He doesn't have kids and his wife let him go and started dating herself, and that's what freaked him out....his wife was dating!! If nothing else, doesn't this alone speak volumes to you? Your boyfriend went home to his wife because he was jealous and doesn't want anyone else to have her. What do you think he says to her? Do you think he tells her "well I might be at home but my heart is really with spices. Being here is like being a starving kid in Ethopia" Seriously? And if he really feels that way then what the heck is keeping him there? He already left once and the world didn't end. Why would he choose to "starve" when all he has to do is pack up his **** and move to "disneyland"? Who chooses to starve?

 

I agree with what FO said about buying your mother gifts. That is out of line and I don't know how your mother can be fond of a guy who is playing these sorts of games...with her daughter no less.

[Spices]

So yeah, as I said, I broke things off with this man. He's been blowing up my phone ever since.

 

The text and calls have become incredibly frequent, and though I tried not to respond to them, my feelings & curiosity got the better of me.

 

I ended up seeing him last night, figuring I had nothing to fear. I decided to keep things strictly "friendly" and the environment seemed safe enough. We were with friends, eating, drinking and enjoying ourselves. All seemed innocent enough, until the inevitable happened.

 

"She broke up with me. She told me it was over" he said. "We've been fighting non stop all throughout the holidays. I feel like the reason for it is because I've been thinking about you 24/7 & it's messing with my head. I can't get you out of my mind." He then proceeded to grab me & forced his lips onto mine. It was shocking. My emotions got the better of me... at first I tried to pull back & push him off, but something inside me lit up & I ended up kissing him back.

 

I am now left speechless. He continues to call me and it takes all my strength not to respond. I feel like I've betrayed both myself & his wife. I was doing so well keeping my emotions on hold, but now they've come raging back. I am confused & at loss. fml.

Edited December 29, 2010 by Spices