Am feeling so numb!

[half_ofa_heart]

Haven’t seen my MM in one month. Contact has been little at best, mostly on his part. I have spoken to him briefly and mostly in the last week. I am numb because I honestly believe it is over. We both agreed this morning that it’s what needs to happen (mostly by my insistence). He hates it, I hate it and it feels anything but normal but our relationship was FAR from normal so “I” insisted that it has to end. Ending this R feels like swimming up stream – like it’s easier to just go with the flow and be with the man I love. But I know better. I know that at the end of the stream is a waterfall to the most painful end

 

After I initiated NC a month ago and subsequently blocked him from my cell and IM, life has been robotic at best. Blocking him didn’t stop him from trying to get a hold of me; he found ways to get thru to me. He sent me songs, emails, texts pleading with me to see him, talk to him, and just maintain at the very least a friendship. I am a fairly strong person but my personal issues are making me feel so vulnerable that I’m feeling tormented between what is right for ME and what I WANT for me. I can’t see either clearly at the moment

 

I go thru the motions of life and feel nothing. My personal (financial) life is in ruins and where I would normally have my best friend to hold my hand thru this life changing time of my life, I go it alone. I am living my life for my two beautiful children. It is them that give me meaning right now. But I shelter them from my current pain therefore feel the void of his support and friendship more than ever right now

 

This week being the holidays and a time that I would feel his void anyway, it is 10 times more painful knowing that it’s over.

 

Any words of advice to help get me thru this week?

[siuys]

heart, big hugs to you. One month NC is a real achievement. I'm on day 21. xMM sent two emails in the last three days which I ignored. Not an easy thing to do. So i know exactly what you mean - you know what is the right thing to do, but you don't want to do it.

 

I don't know your situation exactly. I gain strength and perspective from others who have been through the same things. I remind myself his situation has not changed, and that I don't want to be an OW. I remind myself he is a broken man so no point interfering with his journey as he repairs himself. I work on myself to gain strength and clarity about my life, what my fears and weaknesses are, and ask myself why I would even want to consider breaking NC to walk back into the pain. Yes, I love him and yes, I want him in my life, but not like this. I actively do things that I enjoy and I catch up with friends often. I try to minimise the amount of time I spend thinking of him. I remind myself that I want peace. I tell myself that Xmas is just another day and before I know it, it will be 2011 - a new year, a new beginning. Don't get sucked into the fact that it's xmas and all. It's just a label society gives it. Family, loved ones... you can celebrate that every day of the year.

 

You need to find out what motivates you for you. Don't just go through the motions. It's your life and it's precious. Don't waste it. Do stuff with your children. Work on personal issues you may have. I know you will still miss him, want him and all that, but do you really want to be back in that hellish environment?

 

Facing issues alone is what we all must learn. And you will turn out stronger. Rely on yourself, on your strength, and see the benefits of going it alone. You want to share your life with someone who can be there for you, not like this. Fill the void with something else. Little by little, the void will be smaller as you become whole again.

 

I'm with you on that journey. I don't have children, and not even family (except one sister) where I live. We may not end up spending time together on xmas. It's just another day. Take the opportunity to enjoy some lone time and reflect, relax and rejuvenate.

[half_ofa_heart]

heart, big hugs to you. One month NC is a real achievement. I'm on day 21. xMM sent two emails in the last three days which I ignored. Not an easy thing to do. So i know exactly what you mean - you know what is the right thing to do, but you don't want to do it.

 

I don't know your situation exactly. I gain strength and perspective from others who have been through the same things. I remind myself his situation has not changed, and that I don't want to be an OW. I remind myself he is a broken man so no point interfering with his journey as he repairs himself. I work on myself to gain strength and clarity about my life, what my fears and weaknesses are, and ask myself why I would even want to consider breaking NC to walk back into the pain. Yes, I love him and yes, I want him in my life, but not like this. I actively do things that I enjoy and I catch up with friends often. I try to minimise the amount of time I spend thinking of him. I remind myself that I want peace. I tell myself that Xmas is just another day and before I know it, it will be 2011 - a new year, a new beginning. Don't get sucked into the fact that it's xmas and all. It's just a label society gives it. Family, loved ones... you can celebrate that every day of the year.

 

You need to find out what motivates you for you. Don't just go through the motions. It's your life and it's precious. Don't waste it. Do stuff with your children. Work on personal issues you may have. I know you will still miss him, want him and all that, but do you really want to be back in that hellish environment?

 

Facing issues alone is what we all must learn. And you will turn out stronger. Rely on yourself, on your strength, and see the benefits of going it alone. You want to share your life with someone who can be there for you, not like this. Fill the void with something else. Little by little, the void will be smaller as you become whole again.

 

I'm with you on that journey. I don't have children, and not even family (except one sister) where I live. We may not end up spending time together on xmas. It's just another day. Take the opportunity to enjoy some lone time and reflect, relax and rejuvenate.

 

Thank you Siuys! I don't even feel like it has been true NC since he has gotten several messages thru and we did speak a few times this week. But I will make it - I have to. It just doesn't feel like it right now. I really do need to snap out of this funk. Perhaps, just maybe, if he can truly keep his promise and stay away then maybe I can move on. That's what I truly want for Christmas. Thank you for your much needed support. Am eating up any little shred of support I can get.

 

hoping you have a wonderful xmas in whatever you do.

[siuys]

Heart, stop judging yourself. True NC or not, you HAVE made progress. Life is not all or nothing so take it a day at a time, and say yes to life - whatever it throws at you, believe that you can handle it, because you can. Whether he keeps away or not you have no control. You can only control your own actions. Heal yourself a little bit a time. Be prepared there will be bad days and good days - that's just how it is. Embrace it and be grateful for your kids, for the experience. There is a lesson somewhere. I guarantee it. You have a wonderful Xmas too.

[half_ofa_heart]

Heart, stop judging yourself. True NC or not, you HAVE made progress. Life is not all or nothing so take it a day at a time, and say yes to life - whatever it throws at you, believe that you can handle it, because you can. Whether he keeps away or not you have no control. You can only control your own actions. Heal yourself a little bit a time. Be prepared there will be bad days and good days - that's just how it is. Embrace it and be grateful for your kids, for the experience. There is a lesson somewhere. I guarantee it. You have a wonderful Xmas too.

 

 

You are correct! Need to snap out of it. No more wallowing in self pity. Work towards a better me no matter the obsticles.

[Snowflower]

Ya know, I think it is something about the holidays that amplify any loss we are feeling.

 

I'm glad you have your kids with you for Christmas. Enjoy your time with them because no matter what, they'll always love you and they grow up quickly! When you think about it, there are relatively few Christmases where your kids are little. My own kids seem like they've grown up too quickly!

 

Hang in there and I hope you're feeling better today!

[ItsNeverForever]

Heart, my situation is much the same as yours right now. Wanting NC but failing miserably at it. I haven't seen "MM" in a month either, but little bits of communication here and there. And the thing is, with each time, it feels more and more hopeless. I've been going back and forth with disgust/hate/anger and worry/sadness/stupid hope. As of Sunday, I got the numb feeling myself, realizing that it's just over. It's never going to change or get any better, and I just have to let go. The numb realization is so strong, though, that I think I might actually be able to stick with NC from this point forward. As long as he doesn't reach out, I feel like I can do it. Not that I'm not extremely sad about it, but I do have a little hope.

 

I just wanted you to know that you're not alone, and along with all the other wonderful LS-ers here, I'm here to support you any way I can.

 

We'll make it...everyone's right, we have our kids, it's Christmas, that's where our focus needs to be. We can do it. {{{hugs}}}

[calliope]

I've been going back and forth with disgust/hate/anger and worry/sadness/stupid hope. As of Sunday, I got the numb feeling myself, realizing that it's just over. It's never going to change or get any better, and I just have to let go. The numb realization is so strong, though, that I think I might actually be able to stick with NC from this point forward. As long as he doesn't reach out, I feel like I can do it.

 

I just wanted you to know that you're not alone, and along with all the other wonderful LS-ers here, I'm here to support you any way I can.

 

 

I'm here also, but have to see MM often. Just like Forever, I've been going back & forth emotionally. I agree with the bold, but it's so much easier said than done...

 

I'm going to plagerize Forever here - "I just wanted you to know that you're not alone, and along with all the other wonderful LS-ers here, I'm here to support you any way I can."

[ItsNeverForever]

I'm here also, but have to see MM often. Just like Forever, I've been going back & forth emotionally. I agree with the bold, but it's so much easier said than done...

 

Don't worry, dear Calliope...once the holidays are over and his schedule regulates, he will be back up in my face every other day at the "gym". it will be hard, but I REFUSE to give up my dearly beloved hobby and the only place I have to enjoy it. He's stolen enough from me as it is. I'm only hoping that over the next few weeks I'll be at the point where the sight of his face makes me despise him. **crosses fingers** Nonetheless, I might be callin on you when I end up running into him...I'm sure it'll be interesting! (...and I still just HAVE to tell you about that wild thing that happened last week - my PM priveleges can't get here fast enough!)

 

Heart, sorry for the TJ. But I'm glad Calli is feeling plagiaristic today, because I don't think that sentiment can be shared enough. <3

[fellhard4u]

Heart, I'm here for ya too! There are quite a few of us that seem to be in the same situation and same stage of ending. Maybe that feeling of numbness is our body's/mind's way of protecting itself from the soul-crushing pain and as such one could almost rejoice in the fact that our "systems" work fine.

 

I feel that numbness too and I much prefer it to the acute pain, as in "someone reached into my chest cavity and ripped out my heart with their bear hands" kind of pain. To me, the numbness is a relief.

 

Also the numbness allows me to, at the very least, function in the other areas of my life.

[half_ofa_heart]

Oh how I wish you all were closer! I am stuck in the bargaining stage. I miss him so much and am dying to see him so my heart is literally arguing with my brain (all in my head of course). I hear the the voices inside my head saying "just meet him one last time. Give him a goodbye kiss and turn around and walk away."

 

He is trying more than ever to not contact me but it is bittersweet. I wish you were all here so we could keep each other from thinking of them. Do you ever find yourself asking yourself this question; "how did I get here? How did I allow myself to get put into this situation?" Do you look back and try to see some kind of pattern in your previous relationships? I am so confused and my mind is all over the place.

 

I am soooo greatful for coming to LS and catching up with all you LS'ers as I cannot imagine how I could get thru this without you guys.

 

Thank you all so much!

[calliope]

Do you ever find yourself asking yourself this question; "how did I get here? How did I allow myself to get put into this situation?" Do you look back and try to see some kind of pattern in your previous relationships? I am so confused and my mind is all over the place.

 

 

I ask myself that question all the time. For me, there's no pattern.

 

I was in a CL relationship for 8 yrs that ended 10 yrs ago when he left for OW. I was angry, resentful, battered self-esteem, etc. It took me awhile, but I came back a completely different person -strong, self-confident, self-assured, independent, secure in who & what I was. Over the past 10 yrs, I've done lots of dating, but never another serious relationship. The longest I dated someone was 3-4 months. Obviously I had trust and commitment issues, but felt so self-confident, I was never unhappy being alone because I liked the person I was.

 

That's why where I am now confuses me so much. From the day my x left, I swore I'd never be OW.....never say never.

 

This guy got in through a loophole I didn't know was open. We worked together and became very good friends. Everything progressed so slowly that I wasn't even really paying attention to what was happening. We were friends for over a year. There was never emotional or personal talk. We never "confided" in each other, yet something was still developing. Just spending time together & talking about work was enough for us to get our "fix".

 

The first time we were intimate was after a work party where we were both drinking (bad judgment and all that) & came back to my place. I would've wrote it off to a 1-night stand, but he pursued it and kept building the EA. We weren't together physically again for over 5 mths.

 

For both of us, it was never about sex or physical intimacy. It's always been about being friends first, which is why I'm struggling so much.

 

Sorry to go on so long, but I guess my point is that there's not necessarily always a pattern... This is not your fault for picking the wrong guy. Sometimes things just happen...

[ItsNeverForever]

Do you ever find yourself asking yourself this question; "how did I get here? How did I allow myself to get put into this situation?" Do you look back and try to see some kind of pattern in your previous relationships?

 

HoH...it's funny, like Calliope, there's no pattern for me, either. At least not one that matches this situation! the only pattern I can think of is choosing overbearing, controlling men (overcompensating for my dad not protecting me as a child) or complete and total loser wimps (trying to fix my dad?) Oh, wait...

 

I ask myself that question all the time. For me, there's no pattern.

 

...I came back a completely different person -strong, self-confident, self-assured, independent, secure in who & what I was. Over the past 10 yrs, I've done lots of dating, but never another serious relationship. The longest I dated someone was 3-4 months. Obviously I had trust and commitment issues, but felt so self-confident, I was never unhappy being alone because I liked the person I was.

 

This guy got in through a loophole I didn't know was open. We worked together and became very good friends. Everything progressed so slowly that I wasn't even really paying attention to what was happening.

 

For both of us, it was never about sex or physical intimacy. It's always been about being friends first, which is why I'm struggling so much.

 

Calli, exactly the same for me (bolded). So weird. yet so comforting to know I'm really NOT crazy!!!

 

I just wish I could figure out how to get back that girl that I loved so much - she was AWESOME!!! *sigh* Some days I feel her hangin out in the background, maybe one day she'll take center stage again.