The wife has control over MM

[2sure]

Wow. Well, I'll tell you something ...if I thought a person was so down trodden that they allowed someone else even their spouse to control them...lol - I could not bang a puppet.

 

If a man were to describe himself as a victim or prisoner in his marriage..and cheating was how he SOLVED that problem. Again, not attractive.

 

As a former OW - I would prefer to be involved with a MM who had it all and just wanted more. I simply chose to not be a little "more" to anyone.

[NoIDidn't]

Wow. Well, I'll tell you something ...if I thought a person was so down trodden that they allowed someone else even their spouse to control them...lol - I could not bang a puppet.

 

If a man were to describe himself as a victim or prisoner in his marriage..and cheating was how he SOLVED that problem. Again, not attractive.

 

As a former OW - I would prefer to be involved with a MM who had it all and just wanted more. I simply chose to not be a little "more" to anyone.

 

I totally agree. In fact, you've just given a good reason why I won't do an open marriage too. I don't ever want to treat another like "a little more". Its not that I think they are wrong. Just wrong for me.

 

This dovetails nicely with your point in the other thread about "doormats". A person is more valued when they don't take on the role of someone else's victim. I could NEVER sit through the droning of some MM telling me how horrible his marriage is, how controlling his W, his inlaws, his boss is.

 

I would walk away saying "then DO something about it".

 

There is no controlling of you unless you give away your personal power, or are a minor at the time. Nothing attractive about an adult, especially a grown man, claiming they are powerless because of being controlled by another.

[jennie-jennie]

And' date=' on the personal note, if you know your father did things behind your mother's back, who's to say he didn't actually have an affair? Are you sure he didn't?[/quote']

 

Yes, I'm sure. I have always been his confidant, and he brought this up just recently. I can't see a 77 year old starting to talk about his wife suspecting him having affairs and then denying it to me and it not being true. Why bring it up at all in that case? (Remember he does know of my relationship, so there really is nothing to hide.)

[whichwayisup]

Originally Posted by jennie-jennie

My father has been under my narcissistic mother's total control for 53 years of marriage. On top of that she has constantly suspected him of hitting on other women. Oh, how I wish he had had an affair which made him happy instead of sacrificing his whole life for her. She punished him for it anyway, so he could at least have done what he was accused of.

 

So why didn't he just leave your mom? Why did he stay for 53 years? I completely disagree, atleast he didn't cheat on her. He stayed true to his vows, which these days is basically something some people cannot do. Live up to their vows. Anyway, maybe HE couldn't live with himself if he cheated on her no matter what treatment she gave him.

 

If one is unhappy and can't see the marriage better - LEAVE! Divorce. To stay and cheat, all on the expense of the BS is bs.

[White Flower]

I have noticed that some of the OW has been making the comment that the wife is controlling or has so much control over MM.If the wife had so much control then the MM he would not be cheating.The MM stays because they want to if they wanted out so bad no one or nothing would stop them.How many times have we heard them say they stay because of the children or the wife wont let them see the children?Thats BS their is a place called court where we get our rights.I'm wondering why OW would believe these men when they blame the W for everything it takes two to make or break a marriage.If only both sides were heard its not fair to bash the wife when they are the ones being lied to and cheated on.I am not doing this to cause problems its just something I have been reading that

I find offensive.How do others feel about this comment?

 

I am sorry you find it offensive scattered. I'm sure you were not the controlling kind. I know I'm not.

 

Yet, I found so many flaws in your argument.

 

The W can be controlling, no doubt about that.

 

And a man will still cheat even when the W is controlling, no doubt about that either. In fact, in many cases it is the controlling behavior that causes the cheating! But that is another subject for another thread.

 

A man stays for many different reasons, and not necessarily because he wants to. That argument is completely laughable! But with all due respect, I will try not to laugh. Actually, there are many reasons for this but you might have to pick up a few psychology books in order to understand it.

 

One such reason is fear (loss of family); another is an overblown ideal of duty, honor, and obligation (this is especially overblown when love has died); and yet another is societal pressure (another kind of fear).

 

My MM finally sat his W down recently and confronted her about leaving and divorcing. She called the Border Patrol, excuse me, her kids, and her son threatened him with a baseball bat. His wife (the daughter-in-law) had to hold him away from MM.

 

His kids literally told him they'd cut him off if he didn't stay. Wow. The son is pushing 40 and his daughter is not far behind. Fear of losing the kids does not stop at a certain age. Kids put gun to daddy's head, and say, 'You have to love mom!!!' But it just doesn't work that way kids.

 

I won't say how the story ended because this is not my thread but I will say there are many other reasons a MM stays in a dead M other than because he wants to. lol.

[White Flower]

So why didn't he just leave your mom? Why did he stay for 53 years? I completely disagree, atleast he didn't cheat on her. He stayed true to his vows, which these days is basically something some people cannot do. Live up to their vows. Anyway, maybe HE couldn't live with himself if he cheated on her no matter what treatment she gave him.

 

If one is unhappy and can't see the marriage better - LEAVE! Divorce. To stay and cheat, all on the expense of the BS is bs.

I see what you're saying WWIU but to be accused of something when you're completely innocent is horrible. Dang, I feel for the guy!

[Woman In Blue]

Men use their wives/spouses as an excuse for why they can or can't do something for LOTS of different reasons.

 

Case in point. My SO has a couple of single/divorced buddies that like to go out alot on Saturday nights and since he used to join them occasionally when he was single, they still invited him out from time to time even after we got together. I would often ask him, "hey, have the guys invited you out tonight?" and he'd tell me that they had, but he didn't want to go, or he was too tired, or he just didn't feel like being out that night, etc. I often told him I had no problem with it if he wanted to spend a night out with the guys and wouldn't give him any flack at all for it.

 

Well, it was MONTHS later when I happened to be chatting to one of these single buddies of his when I'd run into him at the store, and the guy mentioned that he wished I'd let my SO go out with them occasionally, because they missed having him hanging out with them.

 

WHAT???? Apparently my SO had told them that I gave him too much crap about going out, so he just avoided the whole issue by not going our with them to keep the peace with me. LMAO!!!!

 

What BULL! He'd been using ME as an excuse for why he couldn't go when in reality, he just didn't feel like going out and didn't want to look like a wimp to the guys!

 

Trust me, men use their wives and SO's as their excuse for ALOT of things when they just don't WANT to do something.

Edited December 27, 2010 by Woman In Blue

[whichwayisup]

What BULL! He'd been using ME as an excuse for why he couldn't go when in reality, he just didn't feel like going out and didn't want to look like a wimp to the guys!

 

This exact same thing has happened to a friend of mine and her husband. He truly is a homebody and enjoys being with the kids and my friend, (his wife) alot. He does go to sporting events but doesn't like to drink or do the bar scene, so when they ask he ALWAYS says the kids need me or the wife won't like it if I go, and IF I go, she will make my life hell .. Funny thing is, she is aware he does this little white lie to his buddies and gets a kick out of it.

[White Flower]

There is no doubt that people will use their SOs as an excuse to not go out (or leave their M, etc.) but it doesn't negate the fact that the dynamic in some families are different than yours. Some MPs really do have controlling spouses, and even have controlling spouses who garner support from their kids, adult or otherwise. This makes it very difficult to leave; yet, it really is up to the one who wants to leave to step up to the plate of bravery and cut their losses, even if the losses include loss of kids, assets, other family ties, etc.

 

It sickens me that people do this, but they do and sometimes it works. Too bad because the one who suffers is the one who refuses to grow spiritually and gain self-respect.

[starlight102]

Then she can just sit on him, so he'll have to think of another excuse.

 

Too funny....

 

I didn't expect to see that. Thank you.....that made me laugh.

[NoIDidn't]

A man stays for many different reasons, and not necessarily because he wants to. That argument is completely laughable! But with all due respect, I will try not to laugh. Actually, there are many reasons for this but you might have to pick up a few psychology books in order to understand it.

 

You've picked up the books, so enlighten us (including citations, of course)!

 

 

My MM finally sat his W down recently and confronted her about leaving and divorcing. She called the Border Patrol, excuse me, her kids, and her son threatened him with a baseball bat. His wife (the daughter-in-law) had to hold him away from MM.

 

His kids literally told him they'd cut him off if he didn't stay. Wow. The son is pushing 40 and his daughter is not far behind. Fear of losing the kids does not stop at a certain age. Kids put gun to daddy's head, and say, 'You have to love mom!!!' But it just doesn't work that way kids.

 

Usually the OW is not present for this alleged occurrence, and a cautious person wouldn't report as fact something they themselves didn't witness. Directly. Believe half of what you see, and none of what you *hear*.

 

And in this reported instance, how is the W being controlling? The adult kids took it upon themselves, maybe given their dad's past history as a philanderer to say "enough", to try to set dad straight. Of course, it doesn't work that way. But its pretty sick for anyone to laugh at this. Its far from funny when people are trying to save what they know to be their family.

 

Often what appears as "controlling" is a person that's unwilling to be broken by the constant emotional assault by the other person in the R standing their ground. Philanderers always hate that. (I have an inside track on this type)

[NoIDidn't]

It sickens me that people do this, but they do and sometimes it works. Too bad because the one who suffers is the one who refuses to grow spiritually and gain self-respect.

 

So which is the problem? The controlling spouse? Or the one that's emotionally and spiritually stunted to the point that people have started controlling them?

 

When a person is too immature to develop the proper self-respect, I can understand why others attempt to "protect" them by being "controlling". Its not a role I would take because I have far too much to do than to be responsible for another adult, but some are co-dependent enough that they take on that role because they don't want to lose that person from their lives.

 

Controlling? Protecting? Such a thin line. Being over-protective can lead to being controlling, but it doesn't always mean the person simply wants to control others, just a specific person that seems to need their help. IDK. Just rambling.

[White Flower]

You've picked up the books, so enlighten us (including citations, of course)!

 

 

 

 

Usually the OW is not present for this alleged occurrence, and a cautious person wouldn't report as fact something they themselves didn't witness. Directly. Believe half of what you see, and none of what you *hear*.

 

And in this reported instance, how is the W being controlling? The adult kids took it upon themselves, maybe given their dad's past history as a philanderer to say "enough", to try to set dad straight. Of course, it doesn't work that way. But its pretty sick for anyone to laugh at this. Its far from funny when people are trying to save what they know to be their family.

 

Often what appears as "controlling" is a person that's unwilling to be broken by the constant emotional assault by the other person in the R standing their ground. Philanderers always hate that. (I have an inside track on this type)

I would rather challenge others to pick up the books and understand certain ideas before posting them, that was my point. You've seen me post citations before so you know I can do it. Let's not bore the folks who have better things to do than Loveshack all day long. Good to see you NID, it's been far too long.

 

I will report anything as fact I like, especially given the fact that I believe what I post. I know what I know, and wouldn't post otherwise. Do you think I only post what I think? Ha! I will leave that to those who like to do that.

 

Besides the fact of having other ways of verifying the facts, I have a particularly excellent sense of intuition and I trust it always. I suggest you develop yours, it will do you wonders! Otherwise going through life being so distrusting will cause you more harm than good but what do I know, right? It's not like I lived my own life according to you, lol.

 

You ask how the W was being controlling and you suggested the kids took it upon themselves to get involved. Loaded question with loaded suggestions, but in a nutshell the W instilled certain ideologies throughout thier lives. Defend your mother and keep your family together no matter what, even if love is dead. She DID call them in when he asked for a D, and they came running. MM's physical body was threatened, and he was also threatened with being cut off forever if he left that night. Phones were cut off and accounts deleted. All verifiable.

 

I think you just called me sick, which is against the TOS, but I refuse to report you on the grounds of the first amendment. I believe my argumentations skills are better than yours anyway so I will let it stand on its own. I have no quarrel with you but do find you amusing and I wish you well.

 

The philanderer in question does not hate the fact that his W is trying to defend what she wants, in fact he understands it; he hates that she believes what she wants is what really is because it isn't. But let's not get off topic. I have an inside track on this type as well.

[White Flower]

So which is the problem? The controlling spouse? Or the one that's emotionally and spiritually stunted to the point that people have started controlling them?

 

When a person is too immature to develop the proper self-respect, I can understand why others attempt to "protect" them by being "controlling". Its not a role I would take because I have far too much to do than to be responsible for another adult, but some are co-dependent enough that they take on that role because they don't want to lose that person from their lives.

 

Controlling? Protecting? Such a thin line. Being over-protective can lead to being controlling, but it doesn't always mean the person simply wants to control others, just a specific person that seems to need their help. IDK. Just rambling.

LOL, I think you did get to rambling a bit...I don't know where the protecting came in.

 

But I think you're right about the co-dependent thing. I will admit he was weak and she was controlling and it fed off of each other. The kids picked up on it too, and they knew how to pull dad's strings. He recognized it at Christmas Dinner and realized they are controlling him too. He's been in therapy figuring all this out.

 

I told him a long time ago what the dynamics were, based on what he told me (like my disclaimer NID--for not *witnessing it myself), and that there was a co-dependency going on with his soft spots and there strong ones. If he is to reach a level of self-respect, he must stand up to this. Of course, nobody can do that but himself.

[Heather1]

My mom is a complete co-dependant control freak, out of control freak & my Dad (while they were married) cheated all the time. I'm sure his OW blamed my Mom, and they really were a bad match My Dad's OW @ the time thought that he left for her, when it was my Mom who finally booted him. He freeloaded off his OW for a few years until she finally had to kick him out too. She wrote a really nice note to my Mom years later. Neither of my parents re-married.

 

It doesn't matter if the W is controlling, it really doesn't, because it doesn't take away that they're married. As much as I'd like to label OM's BS on what little I know about her, he's still married & he still loves her. I feel like I would be bashing my Mom & saying she deserved my Dad's treatment if I labeled the BS.

 

BNB, that's why I don't believe in telling the spouse. I watched my Mom go through it so many times & even a pregnant OW. I've told my H though, and I'm trying to work out if this is just all childhood fallout that was bound to bite me at some time, or if I'm NPD like my Dad?

[NoIDidn't]

I would rather challenge others to pick up the books and understand certain ideas before posting them, that was my point. You've seen me post citations before so you know I can do it. Let's not bore the folks who have better things to do than Loveshack all day long. Good to see you NID, it's been far too long.

 

I will report anything as fact I like, especially given the fact that I believe what I post. I know what I know, and wouldn't post otherwise. Do you think I only post what I think? Ha! I will leave that to those who like to do that.

 

Besides the fact of having other ways of verifying the facts, I have a particularly excellent sense of intuition and I trust it always. I suggest you develop yours, it will do you wonders! Otherwise going through life being so distrusting will cause you more harm than good but what do I know, right? It's not like I lived my own life according to you, lol.

 

You ask how the W was being controlling and you suggested the kids took it upon themselves to get involved. Loaded question with loaded suggestions, but in a nutshell the W instilled certain ideologies throughout thier lives. Defend your mother and keep your family together no matter what, even if love is dead. She DID call them in when he asked for a D, and they came running. MM's physical body was threatened, and he was also threatened with being cut off forever if he left that night. Phones were cut off and accounts deleted. All verifiable.

 

I think you just called me sick, which is against the TOS, but I refuse to report you on the grounds of the first amendment. I believe my argumentations skills are better than yours anyway so I will let it stand on its own. I have no quarrel with you but do find you amusing and I wish you well.

 

The philanderer in question does not hate the fact that his W is trying to defend what she wants, in fact he understands it; he hates that she believes what she wants is what really is because it isn't. But let's not get off topic. I have an inside track on this type as well.

 

Laughing at those trying to save their family is sick. Not sure how my saying that is against the TOS, but I'm sure someone with a slick manipulation of the english language and an overworked MOD will find a way to make it so. I made a generic statement of my opinion of the act - a statement that could and would be said of ANYONE doing it. Saying "You are sick for laughing at this family" is something altogether different than what was actually posted on my part. If, however, the shoe fits, there is nothing I can do about that.

 

You may say that you have no quarrel with me, but your response says otherwise. Its amazing how "where you there" elicits responses like "I will report anything as fact I like". The response of woman well over 50, it does not sound like. Asked of me, I would have just answered the question rather than take the opportunity to jab someone its pretty obvious that I do not have any affection for.

 

Question: "Did you actually see him threatened with a bat, or did someone tell you that story?"

 

Me: "Actually I wasn't there, but I believe it happened."

 

See? Easy.

 

So, long of the short, you feel your MM is being controlled and believe his reports about his family support that opinion. All the rest was useless.

[NoIDidn't]

LOL, I think you did get to rambling a bit...I don't know where the protecting came in.

 

But I think you're right about the co-dependent thing. I will admit he was weak and she was controlling and it fed off of each other. The kids picked up on it too, and they knew how to pull dad's strings. He recognized it at Christmas Dinner and realized they are controlling him too. He's been in therapy figuring all this out.

 

I told him a long time ago what the dynamics were, based on what he told me (like my disclaimer NID--for not *witnessing it myself), and that there was a co-dependency going on with his soft spots and there strong ones. If he is to reach a level of self-respect, he must stand up to this. Of course, nobody can do that but himself.

 

My question still remains. Is the issue really his being controlled or is it his lack of self-respect?

 

I'm not clear on how this issue relates to self-respect, other than in the fact that he found someone to complain about it to. The fact that he would complain rather than act is a larger problem to me. In cases like these, it can't be clear if his constant cheating, lying about it, and just not respecting those around him is the bigger problem than the W trying to control events in her own life.

 

The topic of this thread is the stereotypical "but the W is controlling him" while its obvious she couldn't keep him from having an affair situation. Its been stated by some that these are the types that will cheat as a big "F" you to the spouse they feel is controlling them. But I am really confused as to why anyone would be willing to fight for someone that doesn't seem capable of behaving like an adult in an adult situation.

 

I actually give "mad props" to the man that managed 53 years of marriage without cheating to a very controlling spouse (that sounds mentally ill more than anything, my opinion not a diagnosis as I am not qualified). Not because he managed to stay married for that long. But because not cheating in the situation demonstrates a level of self-control AND self-respect that is so lacking in those that choose to cheat.

 

Interesting concept.....Those that lack self-control often do accuse others of being controlling.

[twinsmom]

So, Whiteflower, what now?? I can understand if you're not ready to reveal that, but it seems like he's been strong-armed into staying, right or not. And I don't see the "kids", although they are far from being that, changing their minds any time soon. I remember when you said you would end it if he went on the anniversary cruise, and I think he went anyway, and you are still with him. You gave him certain deadlines, and he failed to meet them. You accept his refusal to leave because of his "kids", who are not even kids. How many more excuses will you make for him? You love a man who will NOT leave his wife and family, after repeated "deadlines', discussions, whatever. So what now?? Have you finally decided that being the "other woman" is enough to stay with this man that you love? Are you still hoping that he will leave?? I don't mean to be critical, but are you really willing to stay with the man that you WANT, when he obviously doesn't WANT you enough to leave?? Dear Whiteflower, if he loved you enough, he would leave to be with you...you refuse to accept that. The excuses are becoming old...If it's not one thing, it's another. He is a coward..And the excuses you make for him are to make yourself feel better. How old did you say you were?? Are you willing to let this guy take the best years of your life away from you and you end up with nothing??! Go ahead, if that's what you really want...I can't see it..

[NoIDidn't]

My mom is a complete co-dependant control freak, out of control freak & my Dad (while they were married) cheated all the time. I'm sure his OW blamed my Mom, and they really were a bad match My Dad's OW @ the time thought that he left for her, when it was my Mom who finally booted him. He freeloaded off his OW for a few years until she finally had to kick him out too. She wrote a really nice note to my Mom years later. Neither of my parents re-married.

 

It doesn't matter if the W is controlling, it really doesn't, because it doesn't take away that they're married. As much as I'd like to label OM's BS on what little I know about her, he's still married & he still loves her. I feel like I would be bashing my Mom & saying she deserved my Dad's treatment if I labeled the BS.

 

BNB, that's why I don't believe in telling the spouse. I watched my Mom go through it so many times & even a pregnant OW. I've told my H though, and I'm trying to work out if this is just all childhood fallout that was bound to bite me at some time, or if I'm NPD like my Dad?

 

I appreciate this post. Especially the bolded. It really doesn't serve a purpose to label the W controlling. Likely the H saw glimpses of this before he asked her to marry him and did it anyway. Marriage is meant to mature people. Too many buck against that and end up very unhappy.

 

My dad is still keeping with his philandering ways. But interestingly enough, my dad is the controlling one. The only women he's not managed to control have been his relatives (mom, sisters, nieces, me, etc.).

 

I always feel sorry for the women that fall under his spell. I hope to never turn out like him (or my mother for that matter). So I completely understand the sentiment of wondering if things are childhood fallout. But I can assure you that if you are wondering if you are NPD, you probably aren't. LOL. Plus according to the newest version of the DSM, there is no longer going to be a diagnosis of NPD.

 

(Don't know how my previous post was double-posted. Too late to edit one. Sorry folks)

[NoIDidn't]

I honestly can't understand those that say they are being "controlled" while choosing to stay in that situation.

 

My mother didn't accept my becoming an adult with a responsibility to my own decisions, and to own those decisions. She felt that she should have a say in my actions if I lived in her house. I moved out. Pretty simple.

 

I realize that marriage is a lot different from a parent-child relationship, however. But I think that would make it easier, not harder. They both entered the relationship with the same amount of "power" and legal rights.

 

I can understand that the decision wouldn't be easy, but it doesn't seem to be a problem of being controlled by people rather than by perceptions and THINGS. I would honestly not want to reduce my things (family and friendships) by half or more unless I was being intolerably abused. Like beaten. Regularly.

 

Some of these situations seem to come down to fear, greed, or cowardice....not control. At least not control when it comes to the actions of the betrayed. The MP is exerting a control over the lives of all those they pull into this mess, all while crying that they are dealing with someone that's "controlling" them.

[desertIslandCactus]

I would rather challenge others to pick up the books and understand certain ideas before posting them, that was my point. You've seen me post citations before so you know I can do it. Let's not bore the folks who have better things to do than Loveshack all day long. Good to see you NID, it's been far too long.

 

I will report anything as fact I like, especially given the fact that I believe what I post. I know what I know, and wouldn't post otherwise. Do you think I only post what I think? Ha! I will leave that to those who like to do that.

 

Besides the fact of having other ways of verifying the facts, I have a particularly excellent sense of intuition and I trust it always. I suggest you develop yours, it will do you wonders! Otherwise going through life being so distrusting will cause you more harm than good but what do I know, right? It's not like I lived my own life according to you, lol.

 

You ask how the W was being controlling and you suggested the kids took it upon themselves to get involved. Loaded question with loaded suggestions, but in a nutshell the W instilled certain ideologies throughout thier lives. Defend your mother and keep your family together no matter what, even if love is dead. She DID call them in when he asked for a D, and they came running. MM's physical body was threatened, and he was also threatened with being cut off forever if he left that night. Phones were cut off and accounts deleted. All verifiable.

 

I think you just called me sick, which is against the TOS, but I refuse to report you on the grounds of the first amendment. I believe my argumentations skills are better than yours anyway so I will let it stand on its own. I have no quarrel with you but do find you amusing and I wish you well.

 

The philanderer in question does not hate the fact that his W is trying to defend what she wants, in fact he understands it; he hates that she believes what she wants is what really is because it isn't. But let's not get off topic. I have an inside track on this type as well.

 

Beyond belief. WF you are an unrepentant OW, yet you come on here minimizing his wife and calling her controlling - and still insulting the intelligence and intuition of other posters..

[Heather1]

Phew....no more NPD!! I'll just say a non-empathetic sociopath w/ not a care for others. My Dad is a whole other crazy person. No, I don't believe I'm him since it took me 17 years before I got into this mess w/ one person.

 

Still, I don't feel jealousy hardly & I think that's weird. It's saving me right now though, I'm not jealous of OM's W & I actually think that I'm in a situation I can still get out of, where she isn't.

[White Flower]

I won't dignify any rants so I won't quote anybody.

 

I stand by the statement that there are SOME Ws that are controlling and SOME MM who cheat because of it. I never said that was the main reason my MM cheated, but it worked its way in, that's for sure. I do not believe, nor ever stated, that I believed in any stereotype that ALL Ws are controlling; therefore, must cause their WH to cheat. That too is ridiculous. But to believe it never happens IS laughable. Not going to waver on that one.

 

Twinsmom you're sweet for asking, but this is not my thread so I will try to answer and make it short but sweet.

 

The October deadline taught me something. It taught me not to make any deadlines, especially given that MM was already in IC, and was growing on his own, in his own time, and needs to make decisions based on that growth. I did, however, move on. We are no longer together as a couple.

 

That said, I do not, nor ever will, believe in NC unless it involves being totally disgusted with someone like the cousin from my ex's side who texted my daughter with schitzophrenic ideas of child molestation. I never ever want to have anything to do with him so I will go NC with him. But MM? I love him, always have and always will. There is no reason to go NC with him, even if we're no longer lovers. That would be cruel and love is never cruel.

 

So you can see I do not make excuses for MM. He is dealing with his shortcomings and I am enjoying my freedom which I do not apologize for.

 

He did call me up and inform me he was leaving a few weeks ago. I did not provoke it, request it, nor ask for it. It came out of the blue and when he didn't show up that night I was not surprised. Again, he has his own demons to deal with and I really didn't expect him that night. Funny, I didn't even tidy up my room or wear anything sexy. I know him inside and out. (And that is how I know he doesn't lie to me)

 

I do not believe in controlling a man, especially this man. He has come so far in so many ways and his healing process is not MY process. I may be the only person in his life who truly gets this concept, and gets him. That means if I don't get him in the end, that is okay. My love is unconditional.

 

If we ever make our way together, I will post with joy. For now, I am in a very good place.

 

Peace to all.

[twinsmom]

Thanks for your response. I realize I was probably much harsher than I needed to be, or even inteded to be. It's just that I've followed your story for a very long time, even before I posted bits of mine, and you seem to deserve so much more. But I can see that you are a very strong and level-headed woman, and will do what is the best thing for you. Peace, and happiness, to you, too.

[alexandria35]

You've picked up the books, so enlighten us (including citations, of course)!

 

 

 

 

Usually the OW is not present for this alleged occurrence, and a cautious person wouldn't report as fact something they themselves didn't witness. Directly. Believe half of what you see, and none of what you *hear*.

 

And in this reported instance, how is the W being controlling? The adult kids took it upon themselves, maybe given their dad's past history as a philanderer to say "enough", to try to set dad straight. Of course, it doesn't work that way. But its pretty sick for anyone to laugh at this. Its far from funny when people are trying to save what they know to be their family.

 

Often what appears as "controlling" is a person that's unwilling to be broken by the constant emotional assault by the other person in the R standing their ground. Philanderers always hate that. (I have an inside track on this type)

 

Agree with the bolded. That story is pretty far fetched and not something I would repeat if I didn't see it with my own eyes. An almost 40 year old man, so enraged that he is going after someone with a baseball bat is not going to be held back by his wife. And why would MM be scared of being cut off by his sons after these sorts of antics? I love my children more than anything but If one of my sons EVER physically threatened me I would probably cut them off myself.