The wife has control over MM

[BB07]

As for that comment made by another poster about prey..... if anyone could be called prey it's more often than not the OW and the BS, not the MM.

 

What I meant to say is.........if anyone could be called prey it's more often than not, the OW and the BS, the MM is the one who seeks out the prey.

[redcurls]

My xMM is absolutely being controlled by his wife, and he actually LIKES it this way. She has total control over his FB and email accounts, she monitors his every move (I know it because I have heard her several times on the phone with him) she dictates his schedule, who he can or can't be friends with (male friends) what shows he may or may not watch on TV, he has to go to sleep whenever she does, etc. And as I said - he LIKES it. He says that this is a key to a happy home life.

 

Yep. Very happy. I guess that's why he has been having an intimate relationship with me for over a year.

 

The thing is - as much as she controls him - he is controlling me in return. And I allow it. So I take full responsibility for that.

[BB07]

.

 

The thing is - as much as she controls him - he is controlling me in return. And I allow it. So I take full responsibility for that.

 

Then stop letting him. It is your choice. He doesn't sound like much of a desirable man to me.

[carrie999]

What you have to understand is the psychology behind hooking an OW into an affair. Many times they are lied to (I was) and by the time they realize it, they are in love and caught up in the fog of the affair. A lot of OW's never even contemplated having an affair and thought the idea was deplorable and boom, they get swept up into one. It usually happens when they are in an exxtremely vulnerable state and these guys pick up on it and lure them in. I never in a million years thought I would end up in an affair and was pretty judgmental of those who did and then I found myself caught up in one. By the time I realized it I was totally in love.

 

When I was in the thick of it, I would read and read and read forums like this that show you over and over the dynamics are all the same. And how damaging it can be to your self esteem, yet I stayed. Even though I was reading it over and over, I still wasn't *seeing* it until I began to distance myself from the affair. The hardest part of being in an affair and trying to end it, is that little piece of "hope" you hold onto...it might be little, but IT'S powerful. And many times these MM's dangle those *little* carrots to keep the affair going. It isn't until you are completely out of it that you actually see it for what it was...a painful mistake, a very painful mistake.

 

I've also seen it many times where a woman was vehemently against affairs and then endedup in one themselves. It can happen to anyone, no one is totally immune. The Internet is full of stories like that and I'm willing to bet that many OW's here probably thought being in an affair was never something they would do.

 

So true! Fidelity was always my mantra, and the one thing I held sacred and to be THE absolute, fundamental, essential part of any relationship. Even when I was casually dating as a teenager, I couldn't imagine dating more than one person at a time, or seeing someone who was "hooking up" with another girl. It didn't matter if there was full disclosure; it just felt plain WRONG to me, innately.

 

Fast-forward ten or fifteen years, and I had yet to entertain thoughts of another man when I was already in a relationship. I was confused once by feelings for someone else when I was living with my boyfriend, and it terrified me. I couldn't sort out my feelings, so I ended up shutting both men out of my life.

 

Fast-forward again just a few years, and I was engaged to a wonderful man and found myself kissing another man, who was a married friend. I avoided him for a few months, and the next time we met we talked about it, thought we resolved it, and somehow ended up more serious. After another few weeks of avoiding one another, we ended up in an affair.

 

I'm still figuring this out. At this point, it's not out of any interest in perpetuating the affair...I'm just trying to understand how the hell I got there in the first place, and how I let this happen.

 

Point is, I agree with you. People involved in EM affairs (generally, not always) are completely confused and haven't sorted out their thoughts.

[blizzard]

My xMM is absolutely being controlled by his wife, and he actually LIKES it this way. She has total control over his FB and email accounts, she monitors his every move (I know it because I have heard her several times on the phone with him) she dictates his schedule, who he can or can't be friends with (male friends) what shows he may or may not watch on TV, he has to go to sleep whenever she does, etc. And as I said - he LIKES it. He says that this is a key to a happy home life.

 

Yep. Very happy. I guess that's why he has been having an intimate relationship with me for over a year.

 

The thing is - as much as she controls him - he is controlling me in return. And I allow it. So I take full responsibility for that.

 

Ever wonder why that is? Why does their wives control so much of their lives? My xMM's wife shared passwords to all accounts as well...yet he still managed to im or inbox me twice a day for hours on end. Weird. He also said she wouldn't splurge on an additional cell for him to carry. He said she had to go everywhere with him or know his whereabouts. And that jealousy was a big deal in their marriage. hmmm.

I now look back and wonder... if he was telling the truth maybe his wife might have "known" what he was capable of doing. Because honestly, my stbx and I never shared anything...trust was never an issue. Well, until now. And even now, he knows the affair is over and he still doesn't ask for transparency.

[carrie999]

My xMM is absolutely being controlled by his wife, and he actually LIKES it this way. She has total control over his FB and email accounts, she monitors his every move (I know it because I have heard her several times on the phone with him) she dictates his schedule, who he can or can't be friends with (male friends) what shows he may or may not watch on TV, he has to go to sleep whenever she does, etc. And as I said - he LIKES it. He says that this is a key to a happy home life.

 

Yep. Very happy. I guess that's why he has been having an intimate relationship with me for over a year.

 

The thing is - as much as she controls him - he is controlling me in return. And I allow it. So I take full responsibility for that.

 

Well said. If she's "controlling him" and you're letting him dictate your communication, she is also controlling you, and what you have, completely.

 

My MM never claimed his wife was controlling, but she definitely has control over their relationship. She was the "needy" one who seemed dependent and controlled, if anything. But whether or not she intended it, that "neediness" did control him, because he needed to be needed that intensely. An example: he's a night owl, and she's not. After years of marriage, he would just stay up to work on a project rather than going to bed with her. So she would just stay up with him, and sometimes fall asleep practically sitting up, and he'd feel bad and take her to bed, and join her.

 

At least he recognized that instead of her "controlling" him (which she was, in her own way, even if it wasn't intended), he craved feeling that necessary to her day-to-day and minute-to-minute happiness. The feelings of happiness and fulfillment I provided weren't enough...he needed not only to be wanted and loved, but NEEDED in a way that I'm not sure I could ever make him feel.

 

It's so much more complex than the dynamics of an affair. If he ended up divorced and we got together, he probably wouldn't have felt fulfilled by me. I'm too independent. I'm not making a judgment on his R or his W...it's just what they each individually want and need from a relationship.

 

In my case, this has made me realize that perhaps I need someone who walks alongside me, rather than fully depends on me, or I him. I don't think we can really judge whether someone is too needy or controlling, and even if you can somehow make that determination, it's hard to tell if that's a "good" or "bad" thing. What two people find together (married couples, AP's, or anyone) is something that is hard to analyze from the outside.

[redcurls]

The feelings of happiness and fulfillment I provided weren't enough...he needed not only to be wanted and loved, but NEEDED in a way that I'm not sure I could ever make him feel.

 

It's so much more complex than the dynamics of an affair. If he ended up divorced and we got together, he probably wouldn't have felt fulfilled by me. I'm too independent..

 

I feel the same. My therapist said the had he and I lived together we wouldn't have celebrated our 1st anniversary together. It just couldn't have worked. The funny part if that I think that my independence was on of the things he liked about me when we met.

[redcurls]

Ever wonder why that is? Why does their wives control so much of their lives;

 

XMM once told me the his wife has always been very jealous. He never had an EMR before me (I'm certain of it) so its not like he ever have her any reason. I guess its just her nature - but the important part is that its WORKING for both of them!

 

From what I understand she is like that with the kids as well. They have 3 teenagers who are not allowed to spend time in their rooms other than for sleeping.

 

I'm not judging or criticizing. Its their family and their lifestyle. As I said xMM is actually very happy to submit to her...

[fooled once]

I think sometimes that if people tell themselves something enough times they start to really believe it,(we meaning anyone who is doing something they feel is wrong has to justify it.

 

Regarding what you hear repeated often by some OW about the wife having control over this or that, it's something that has been told to them by the ws over and over again and it helps the ap justify to themselves when they can view the bs as a shrew, controlling, evil, mean, etc.,

 

Of course I'm not discounting in some cases it can be true, but really the ap has no way of knowing if it's true or not.

 

Ding Ding Ding

 

I agree!

[spice4life]

From what I understand she is like that with the kids as well. They have 3 teenagers who are not allowed to spend time in their rooms other than for sleeping.

...

 

Yikes!!! Boy are those kids going to act out when they hit college.

[spice4life]

From what I understand she is like that with the kids as well. They have 3 teenagers who are not allowed to spend time in their rooms other than for sleeping.

...

 

Yikes!!! Boy are those kids going to act out when they hit college.

[spice4life]

Whoops! Sorry about the double post. Don't know how that happened.

[Hazyhead]

I never heard the controlling line. But if I had, I can't believe that there would not have been a hypocritical part of me that would have thought 'Well, someone should, as you clearly have no control over yourself'.

[jennie-jennie]

My father has been under my narcissistic mother's total control for 53 years of marriage. On top of that she has constantly suspected him of hitting on other women. Oh, how I wish he had had an affair which made him happy instead of sacrificing his whole life for her. She punished him for it anyway, so he could at least have done what he was accused of.

[thomasb]

It is sad to see so much derision and hatred for ones own parent bleed through to your posts. Perhaps counselling is in order.

[Ladyblue]

My father has been under my narcissistic mother's total control for 53 years of marriage. On top of that she has constantly suspected him of hitting on other women. Oh, how I wish he had had an affair which made him happy instead of sacrificing his whole life for her. She punished him for it anyway, so he could at least have done what he was accused of.

 

Maybe having an illicit affair would not have made him happy. Obviously he didnt want to have one, or he would have. Perhaps he had higher moral standards than that?

[NoIDidn't]

Oh, goodie! No one said what I wanted to add! LOL>

 

I am not discounting the theme of "people believe what the MM tells them", but want to put a different spin on it. I very much agree with the OP in that I can't understand how a person can believe the MP is controlled yet they can find the time to be out cheating behind the partners back.

 

But that's just it. Its BEHIND their back. Not out in the open. And its usually after a D-day that the MPs complain the most about being controlled. Because now their secret behavior is a known event and the BS wants it to cease.

 

I don't see controlling in that. And I think everyone else would demand the same. How many times here do we see OPs imply that they wouldn't stand for the stuff they know their APs are doing to their spouses? If we are going to use their definition for "controlling", then their not standing for it and leaving because their AP isn't behaving in the way that they want them to (still sleeping with the W when they want them to stop, still not putting some non-essential family events ahead of time they could be spending with their APs, still not willing to leave or making deadlines and not keeping to them, etc, etc) is just as controlling as the W is made out to be.

 

But once the affair becomes known by the BS, its always interesting how the MP suddenly doesn't like the spouse making the perfectly reasonable demand that they quit it and calls it controlling.

[jennie-jennie]

Maybe having an illicit affair would not have made him happy. Obviously he didnt want to have one, or he would have. Perhaps he had higher moral standards than that?

 

Or had he fallen in love with another woman he might have found a way out of hell.

[jennie-jennie]

Oh, goodie! No one said what I wanted to add! LOL>

 

I am not discounting the theme of "people believe what the MM tells them", but want to put a different spin on it. I very much agree with the OP in that I can't understand how a person can believe the MP is controlled yet they can find the time to be out cheating behind the partners back.

 

Oh, it is the people who are deeply controlled by their spouse who learn how to do things behind their back. My father is a specialist on doing things without my mother knowing it.

[donnamaybe]

Obviously, most MM are controlled by the W (or the love for her) since they rarely, if ever, leave the M.

[NoIDidn't]

Oh, it is the people who are deeply controlled by their spouse who learn how to do things behind their back. My father is a specialist on doing things without my mother knowing it.

 

THis is somewhat true. That they take full advantage of the few moments of autonomy (mostly when they aren't in the tightly controlled environment - usually at home) when they have them.

 

And, on the personal note, if you know your father did things behind your mother's back, who's to say he didn't actually have an affair? Are you sure he didn't?

 

My mom is pretty controlling too. I understand why she is though and gently remind her that she can control herself and her feelings much more than those of others. She's been through a lot in life and I consider that in my responses to her now. A lot of the things I did as a youngster were done around her by being done when I should have been at school or when I visited other relatives. So, you are certainly right that one can become "sneaky" when in a controlled environment to a degree.

 

What's really interesting is the affairs that occur only during work time. Monday thru Friday, 7am to 5pm or so. Its so interesting because if one assumes the MP is controlled by a spouse at home, they become ultra controlling of the OP during the time that they might be available.

 

Its interesting because OPs rarely complain about how controlled they feel until the BS gets involved.

[redcurls]

Oh, it is the people who are deeply controlled by their spouse who learn how to do things behind their back. My father is a specialist on doing things without my mother knowing it.

 

Without a doubt. Case in point - xMM. With all her control, with all the restrictions - he found the time and opportunities to be having a R with me for over a year.

[Spark1111]

THis is somewhat true. That they take full advantage of the few moments of autonomy (mostly when they aren't in the tightly controlled environment - usually at home) when they have them.

 

And, on the personal note, if you know your father did things behind your mother's back, who's to say he didn't actually have an affair? Are you sure he didn't?

 

My mom is pretty controlling too. I understand why she is though and gently remind her that she can control herself and her feelings much more than those of others. She's been through a lot in life and I consider that in my responses to her now. A lot of the things I did as a youngster were done around her by being done when I should have been at school or when I visited other relatives. So, you are certainly right that one can become "sneaky" when in a controlled environment to a degree.

 

What's really interesting is the affairs that occur only during work time. Monday thru Friday, 7am to 5pm or so. Its so interesting because if one assumes the MP is controlled by a spouse at home, they become ultra controlling of the OP during the time that they might be available.

 

Its interesting because OPs rarely complain about how controlled they feel until the BS gets involved.

 

This is an interesting point NID! Monday through Friday, more like 8 am to 6pm, the texts and calls never stopped. Then, maybe he would stop at her place on the way home for an hour (Working late, hon) and be home.

 

I was always amazed at how immediately she responded to him. (Saw cell records.) I mean, we were all at work.

 

Me? I controlled nothing. I was working two jobs and thought he was working late too.

 

But we both had very controlling mothers. No wonder we can go from 0 to 60 in an argument!

[pureinheart]

In reading the replies I am amazed at the diversity of each unique situation. The only one that I can say for absolute is my own.

 

They had a REALLY weird dynamic...they were both the controllers/shot callers, they controlled each other..with one unusual twist, they were all afraid of exDM, kids included. None of them respected the other.

 

The W knew about me all along because exDM basically flaunted me to her, to what degree this flaunting was I don't know. He held them back from harrassing me, and it wasn't until he gave the "ok" that they began their harrassment.

 

I am really glad I am not dealing with any of that on any level anymore. I noticed this strange dynamic to be generational as the kids/cousins (some of them) were affected. His brother and sister were really cool, but they in certain ways were afraid of him. I was leary of his abuse and harrassment of me....during the D he was really cruel (I fought him right back, but was not cruel).

[pureinheart]

My father has been under my narcissistic mother's total control for 53 years of marriage. On top of that she has constantly suspected him of hitting on other women. Oh, how I wish he had had an affair which made him happy instead of sacrificing his whole life for her. She punished him for it anyway, so he could at least have done what he was accused of.

 

Wow...53 years!!!!!!!! She guilt tripped him huh....

 

 

My mom and dad were both having A's. My dad liked to argue and my mom liked to party. She couldn't handle the arguing, he couldn't handle the partying.

 

I think my dad was leary of my mom because of the people she knew, he really didn't want to mess with her.

 

I remember my dad suggesting he give some of my inheritance to purchase a home for me (the market was way down)...so I found one and it came right down to the wire and my dad was starting to back out...my mom told him (and I'll never forget the words), "well (incert his name), we can make sure PIH gets her inheritance sooner"....he had the money that day. My mom rarely made threats, and they were never idle.