scatterd Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 I have noticed that some of the OW has been making the comment that the wife is controlling or has so much control over MM.If the wife had so much control then the MM he would not be cheating.The MM stays because they want to if they wanted out so bad no one or nothing would stop them.How many times have we heard them say they stay because of the children or the wife wont let them see the children?Thats BS their is a place called court where we get our rights.I'm wondering why OW would believe these men when they blame the W for everything it takes two to make or break a marriage.If only both sides were heard its not fair to bash the wife when they are the ones being lied to and cheated on.I am not doing this to cause problems its just something I have been reading that I find offensive.How do others feel about this comment? 1
hoping2heal Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 I have noticed that some of the OW has been making the comment that the wife is controlling or has so much control over MM.If the wife had so much control then the MM he would not be cheating.The MM stays because they want to if they wanted out so bad no one or nothing would stop them.How many times have we heard them say they stay because of the children or the wife wont let them see the children?Thats BS their is a place called court where we get our rights.I'm wondering why OW would believe these men when they blame the W for everything it takes two to make or break a marriage.If only both sides were heard its not fair to bash the wife when they are the ones being lied to and cheated on.I am not doing this to cause problems its just something I have been reading that I find offensive.How do others feel about this comment? I think there are instances where the wife has control over a spouse simply because their dynamic was abusive and it involved that element. The person may be so disoriented as a result they don't know right from left. This does happen. However, a majority of the time it is people not wanting to take full responsibility for their actions and/or not wanting to suffer the consequences. There is all kinds of talk that I'm sure the MM/MW themselves believe about their situation and that can complicate things too.
someday Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 I have noticed that some of the OW has been making the comment that the wife is controlling or has so much control over MM.If the wife had so much control then the MM he would not be cheating.The MM stays because they want to if they wanted out so bad no one or nothing would stop them.How many times have we heard them say they stay because of the children or the wife wont let them see the children?Thats BS their is a place called court where we get our rights.I'm wondering why OW would believe these men when they blame the W for everything it takes two to make or break a marriage.If only both sides were heard its not fair to bash the wife when they are the ones being lied to and cheated on.I am not doing this to cause problems its just something I have been reading that I find offensive.How do others feel about this comment? What I find kind of sick is that many times the BWs think that the OWs have control over the MM…so not true, MMs a big boy who’s having his cake, and enjoying it. I think that some OW want to believe this so that they can someday have that control of the man. IMVHO.
BB07 Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 I think sometimes that if people tell themselves something enough times they start to really believe it,(we meaning anyone who is doing something they feel is wrong has to justify it. Regarding what you hear repeated often by some OW about the wife having control over this or that, it's something that has been told to them by the ws over and over again and it helps the ap justify to themselves when they can view the bs as a shrew, controlling, evil, mean, etc., Of course I'm not discounting in some cases it can be true, but really the ap has no way of knowing if it's true or not.
2sunny Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 they only have control IF the MM hands it over... yep, he always has that choice and conscientiously makes that choice IF he's doing so. but THAT tells you everything you need to know - he places that much power where he chooses to... for SO many reasons, i suppose...
OWoman Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 Once they set eyes on their prey, they try everything to release them from the net, including that of blaming the little woman, in their frustration. what if she's big?
OWoman Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 I think that some OW want to believe this so that they can someday have that control of the man. IMVHO. Why would you want someone you have control over? that's not a partner, that's a puppet? And, if that's what you want, there are so many SGs out there, just waiting to be told what to do by some arb woman... Why invest all that effort in a MM?
jthorne Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 what if she's big? Then she can just sit on him, so he'll have to think of another excuse.
spice4life Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 [quote=scatterd;31541I'm wondering why OW would believe these men when they blame the W for everything it takes two to make or break a marriage.If only both sides were heard its not fair to bash the wife when they are the ones being lied to and cheated on.I am not doing this to cause problems its just something I have been reading that I find offensive.How do others feel about this comment? What you have to understand is the psychology behind hooking an OW into an affair. Many times they are lied to (I was) and by the time they realize it, they are in love and caught up in the fog of the affair. A lot of OW's never even contemplated having an affair and thought the idea was deplorable and boom, they get swept up into one. It usually happens when they are in an exxtremely vulnerable state and these guys pick up on it and lure them in. I never in a million years thought I would end up in an affair and was pretty judgmental of those who did and then I found myself caught up in one. By the time I realized it I was totally in love. When I was in the thick of it, I would read and read and read forums like this that show you over and over the dynamics are all the same. And how damaging it can be to your self esteem, yet I stayed. Even though I was reading it over and over, I still wasn't *seeing* it until I began to distance myself from the affair. The hardest part of being in an affair and trying to end it, is that little piece of "hope" you hold onto...it might be little, but IT'S powerful. And many times these MM's dangle those *little* carrots to keep the affair going. It isn't until you are completely out of it that you actually see it for what it was...a painful mistake, a very painful mistake. I've also seen it many times where a woman was vehemently against affairs and then endedup in one themselves. It can happen to anyone, no one is totally immune. The Internet is full of stories like that and I'm willing to bet that many OW's here probably thought being in an affair was never something they would do.
Author scatterd Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 Yes I agree they do it to play the victom and they tell both woman what they want to hear.I think when they say their wife has so much control its obvious they dont when they are cheating.They made a commitment when they married to keep their selfs only unto their mate so its not that the wife has control he promised he would only be with her most woman are not going to give their husbands permission to cheat.Why be married if thats the case.
OWoman Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 Then she can just sit on him, so he'll have to think of another excuse. :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
spice4life Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 Yes I agree they do it to play the victom and they tell both woman what they want to hear.I think when they say their wife has so much control its obvious they dont when they are cheating.They made a commitment when they married to keep their selfs only unto their mate so its not that the wife has control he promised he would only be with her most woman are not going to give their husbands permission to cheat.Why be married if thats the case. Actually, mine didn't say his W was controlling and he never talked about her period, except in the beginning when he said he was separated. in my case, I kind of assumed the W was controlling because he was stepping outside of the M. I know now that's not true, but when you're in the thick of it, you make up reasons in your own head to justify being in the affair in the first place. It's not a normal relationship and the mind tries to rationalize it into one.
someday Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 Why would you want someone you have control over? that's not a partner, that's a puppet? And, if that's what you want, there are so many SGs out there, just waiting to be told what to do by some arb woman... Why invest all that effort in a MM? I don't want that and I don't know why anyone would- except for the feeling of power it would give them. I'm saying that I think *some* OW want to take the power that they perceive the W as having over the MM and make it their own. I suppose these types of OW are trying to regain their own sense of personal power and rather than doing the required internal work simply try to take if from another woman.
seren Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 What an excellent excuse to eat cake, I shall gorge on eclairs so I can be portly enough to squash the beejesus out of H so he cannot go elsewhere. I'll show him cake eating! No one forces someone to stay when they don't want to, nor to do something they don't want to either. I am sure there are cases where a person is controlling in a marriage or relationships, but ultimately no one is 100% sure of a relationships dynamics unless they are the people in that relationship - that goes both ways. Yes, I have seen posts where the WS is supposed to be forced to stay in a marriage because the BS forced them to, I can only speak for mine - aside from game night, I have never forced or hancuffed H to anything. He is his own man, I have never thought he was forced by the OW, nor do i, or did I make him stay, not have contact or any other rules other than - if you want to stay with me, then I don't do sharing and you need to up your ideas. It's why I would make a very very crap OW. That and being in love ..
Author scatterd Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 [Then she can just sit on him, so he'll have to think of another excuse.] Just c aught that your a hoot.
BB07 Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 Good post spice4life and I think you explained it well. It's about justification and rationalization and you are right in that it's very difficult to see when you are the middle of it. As for that comment made by another poster about prey..... if anyone could be called prey it's more often than not the OW and the BS, not the MM.
Author scatterd Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 it seems to me these men have control they know what to say to keep other woman around and what to say to keep wife hanging on.They have more control then the woman through the lies and deception.
BB07 Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 it seems to me these men have control they know what to say to keep other woman around and what to say to keep wife hanging on.They have more control then the woman through the lies and deception. True.......in most affairs as they are playing both ends (BS and OW) against each other all for their benefit and of course they don't want to upset the apple cart, well their apple cart, the hell with everyone's else applecart.
blizzard Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 My xMM did say his wife was controlling. Especially with money, bills and decisions. He swore money was a factor in playing his cards right in divorce. He said it would be awful if she found out about us before their divorce. He wanted to remain on her good side so that she wouldn't take everything he had (financially). His wife supposingly had a great deal of money...her family was financially sound. So everything they had, including their home, was purchased with the help of her father. He also said his exwife had cleaned him out in his previous marriage 10yrs ago. He had to start from scratch...and live in a dump. He refused to live that way again. They do not have children together. Only a kid from his first marriage. So not a factor there. I believe to some degree, my xMM grew accustom to a certain lifestyle. They were "go-doers." They take several trips a year. She is financially saavy with a nice big account to dabble in. She isn't a mom, but a traveler. He wasn't getting squat out of the house. They owned nothing else. So possibly he may have felt he was BEING controlled...but not literally by her. He was being controlled by his way of life. And hey, now that dday occurred, she probably could've taken him to the doghouse...ailmony, etc. Maybe he is stuck in his own personal hell for awhile. Was his "control" theory a lie??? Probably so. IMO, if a MM has a job and their are no biological kids involved, there is no excuse to stay.
OWoman Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 aside from game night, I have never forced or hancuffed H to anything. :lmao: Seren I do so enjoy your posts!
bentnotbroken Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 Then she can just sit on him, so he'll have to think of another excuse. Another nice cup of coffee all over the computer screen.:lmao:
spice4life Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 Good post spice4life and I think you explained it well. It's about justification and rationalization and you are right in that it's very difficult to see when you are the middle of it. As for that comment made by another poster about prey..... if anyone could be called prey it's more often than not the OW and the BS, not the MM. Thanks BB07. Clarity does not exist when you're in the "thick" of it. Scattered, it's true, they have control because OW and BS aren't privy to the truth.
Dexter Morgan Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 How many times have we heard them say they stay because of the children or the wife wont let them see the children?Thats BS their is a place called court where we get our rights. well thats correct, but I think alot of times when someone says the wife won't let them see their kids, its more of on a daily basis thing, or the wife won't agree to 50/50 custody. I get to see my kids, but to me its not enough. And I have to pay for the privelige of not being able to tuck them in each night to add insult to injury. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to provide for them, but the fair thing would be 50/50 custody. But the mother has to agree to it. If she doesn't, the man gets the shaft unless you can prove the mother is a drug abuser or beats the kids or something. but in the case of a man that is cheating on his wife, its fitting justice they have to become weekend dads and pay support. but I'll digress on that one, the kids are what matters. I'm wondering why OW would believe these men when they blame the W for everything it takes two to make or break a marriage.If only both sides were heard its not fair to bash the wife when they are the ones being lied to and cheated on.I am not doing this to cause problems its just something I have been reading that I find offensive.How do others feel about this comment? ya, I find offense too. a man, or woman, that cheats on their spouse are liars out of the gate. what grand revelation later on down the road brings that fact to light usually? oh, ya....things didn't go the OW/OM's way.
SidLyon Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 To recap, the OW of my fWH was having 2 affairs with 2 MM at the same time. When I recently met with the other BW she commented that she felt the OW had some sort of unnatural power/control over our WHs. Strange; but in the last e-mail I received from the OW, which I now know was sent well after she and the other MM were "together", she accused me of controlling my own H every step of the way. Oh the irony!
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