GreenPolicy Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 I felt like I was blindsided in my breakup. Looking back, I can see detaching behavior starting about a month before she actually pulled the trigger. Still, I don't think I could have reasonably anticipated the breakup because five days before she left me she made a comment about what kind of engagement ring she wanted, a month before she reminded me that her parents wanted to meet mine for dinner so the future in-laws could meet. Six weeks before the breakup she emailed me suggestions for wedding venues. It's only in the last month that I can pinpoint the beginning of actual detaching behavior. We were together just shy of a year. Her previous relationship history consisted of almost always being the dumper, having very short relationships, and she had only two before me that lasted as long as a year. We had talked about marriage, she had sat her parents down to tell them I was The One, she introduced me to her biological father, something she'd never done before. From what I've read, female dumpers take their time to make a decision, and I am beginning to accept that this is final and she is sticking to it. Based on how much she was in to me for the length of our relationship and the enthusiasm I felt from her, I don't think she could have contemplated it for months on end. I think it would have taken too much mental energy to keep up the love she was showing me. I'm just curious about how these things play out. Does the contemplation to end the relationship start before the beginning of actual detaching behavior, or does it coincide around the same time? Throughout our time together she told me it was the best relationship she'd ever been in, and I have no reason to doubt that. But she appears to have repeated previous relationship history by being the dumper and not staying in past a year, and the detaching behavior appears to have started close to the one-year mark.
NeNinja Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 As a chronic detatcher, I can almost always pick out that specific moment where I realized the pressure was mounting and things were getting serious whether it was a milestone, anniversary, major fight, pregnancy scare, etc. There is usually a moment where you realize things have gotten 'real' whether you wanted them to or not. I've been known to detatch just to feel it out and see if I'm better in or out the relationship. A lot of people detatch just to see if the person will notice or fight for them.
Author GreenPolicy Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 As a chronic detatcher, I can almost always pick out that specific moment where I realized the pressure was mounting and things were getting serious whether it was a milestone, anniversary, major fight, pregnancy scare, etc. There is usually a moment where you realize things have gotten 'real' whether you wanted them to or not. I've been known to detatch just to feel it out and see if I'm better in or out the relationship. A lot of people detatch just to see if the person will notice or fight for them. It was very subtle. I can see small moments now, but at the time I honestly did not think at all that she was contemplating ending the relationship. I try not to beat myself up too much because she was still sending good signals as well, such as a month before reminding me that her parents wanted to meet mine, making the comment about engagement rings, doing little things like making the wallpaper background on her laptop pictures of us together or flowers I had recently given her. She dumped me two weeks shy of our first anniversary, and she had never been with a guy longer than a year. And I had recently told her of my plan to get a second job to pay for a ring.
Ajax Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 It was very subtle. I can see small moments now, but at the time I honestly did not think at all that she was contemplating ending the relationship. I try not to beat myself up too much because she was still sending good signals as well, such as a month before reminding me that her parents wanted to meet mine, making the comment about engagement rings, doing little things like making the wallpaper background on her laptop pictures of us together or flowers I had recently given her. She dumped me two weeks shy of our first anniversary, and she had never been with a guy longer than a year. And I had recently told her of my plan to get a second job to pay for a ring. My ex would push me away when things started getting too close, and then appologize and say that she "freaks out" when she gets close to somene but that I shouldn't worry. She also said that she was afraid to "lose herself" in a relationship. I should have seen these little episodes as subtle detatchment behaviors too, but I chalked it up to normal jitters. From your other posts I can see that our situations were quite similar. After she broke up with me the guy who introduced us said he did some digging and thought that she had a pattern of dumping someone when things started to get serious.
Author GreenPolicy Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 My ex would push me away when things started getting too close, and then appologize and say that she "freaks out" when she gets close to somene but that I shouldn't worry. She also said that she was afraid to "lose herself" in a relationship. I should have seen these little episodes as subtle detatchment behaviors too, but I chalked it up to normal jitters. From your other posts I can see that our situations were quite similar. After she broke up with me the guy who introduced us said he did some digging and thought that she had a pattern of dumping someone when things started to get serious. Breakup Day was October 16th. First time I noticed something "off" was September 15th when we went out to dinner. She was distant, not making much effort to initiate conversation. She's a Christian, and made a comment within that final month once about wanting to go to Heaven now. I was really taken aback and said "What about our future together? Don't you mean you want to go to Heaven when you die?" And she said "No, I'm not suicidal, I'd just rather be there now." I should have followed up on that more when she was obviously not thinking about our future. She also said things like "I just wish Jesus would come back already." There was a precursor to our breakup conversation where she said something to the effect of "I'm not like you, I don't say I love you or show affection as much, I can't love you the way you love me, and I need you to be okay with that." And I was like "Of course, I don't feel neglected by you." She showed her love in different ways. I know she did. When we first started dating, she said "I love your loving style." She's more of a gift giver type of lover. Thing was, I was still getting enough good signals that I didn't think too much about it. As for her pattern, my ex is almost ALWAYS the dumper, and had little to no experience with healthy, functioning relationships. Most of her relationships last only a few months. I thought that her history of never being with somebody past a year didn't apply to me because of all the other serious things that had happened (telling her parents I was The One, introducing me to the biological dad), etc, but I was wrong.
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