goldenrainbow Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 (edited) So here I am again asking for advice (my first post here ) Sorry for the book that follows, I have been in a controlling relationship for a year. On and off for the last 3 months. We met in November 2009. It was that kind of fulminating love at first sight. We met everyday, and 5 days later he was asking me to marry me. That kind of freaked me out but at the same time felt so good. Well we stupidly jumped in into living together after 3 months. We saw each other every day and weren't coping with not being able to be together ALL the time. And so a nightmare started. He lost his job when we moved in together. At first everything was fine but suddenly he became this control freak where I got to the point of taking pictures where I was just to prove him that I hadn't lied to him. And so we got both into this bubble where it was just the two of us. We were both very jealous but he was even worse than me. He even counted my friends on FB and everytime I added someone it was a nightmare like "Who is he?? What's your story with him", and I only add people I know. sometimes there were these outbursts on his side where he started packing for no reason, saying he would leave...just to watch me cry and beg him to stay. I let myself drag into a manipulative relationship up until the point where I said I would leave him and he started to change. BUT the damage had already been done and I started doubting my love for him,and asking myself if I really wanted to stay in this kind of controlling relationship, where I couldn't even go to the supermarket on my own! And I exploded and just kicked him out of the house. This was in September. Eventually we got back together, separate houses but still together. Jealousy kept coming back and stronger. He always complained that he didn't want me to be online at night (WTF) because he was afraid I was doing something I shouldn't. I even got to the point when I did avoid surfing the web to avoid conflicts. UNTIL I came across his open laptop once when I stopped by his office. To find out that he had been sending pick-.up messages to girls online in a social network, messages like "you are so beautiful I want to kidnap you; I think I have fallen in love with you!" and so on. I was devastated and broke up. That lasted 3 weeks and went back to him. Just wanted to tell you that he always did everything for me, if I had a headache at work he would bring me a pill, fixed everything in my house, that kind of man, a sort of "dad". I already talked about the end of the relationship. when he got mad he started to not be able to control himself until it turned into verbal abuse and lately into physical threat at my door (after which he said he was sorry, he would never hit me blablabla) WELL we were together on saturday (big no no) and talked about our relationship. he said he wants to marry me, I am the love of his life and that we can sort things out I told him that I had lost trust in him and he had lost respect for me and that I didn't think we could EVER fix that. He claimed that while there's love things can be fixed. I replied "why do you call me names when you can't control yourself?" he said that that's the way he is, that he has trouble controlling himself and that my attitudes and what I tell him sometimes make him lose his head. So in the end he is blaming me for his loss of control.. At this moment I have two women within my head. One that would jump into his arms right now, marry him and try to work things out and thinks he is the love of my life (that's the idiot) and the other who sees that there's no hope, and that although we love each other, this is basically an obessive relationship And yet I keep thinking that MAYBE I am doing a mistake by not coming back to him. Maybe it's really me! I miss his protection so much! And I fear his control so much!! Someone please shed me some light because I am going nuts and don't know what to do! Edited December 20, 2010 by goldenrainbow
poorguy Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 This is a textbook abusive relationship. It's toxic and poisinous. Things will get worse. If you have doubts about your love for him you have very very good reason. This guy sounds exactly like my ex girlfriend's boyfriend. He's verbaly abusive and controlling but she loves him and doesn't know how to leave. God I worry about woman so much in this situation!!!
Author goldenrainbow Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 poorguy, you are so right, it follows all patterns The ironical thing is that I have always been an independent woman and I would swear I would never go through such a relationship whenever I heard someone tell their story. And I am biting my tongue right now. It's a spider's web.
poorguy Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 It's not your fault. When you both met he was probably sweet and charming and all of that. Then the truth comes out shortly after. There were probably some red flags very early on but you were probably so smitten that you didn't notice. It may not even be his fault either because he probably came from that type of enviroment where that's what went on. Not withstanding that though, it and he, is not your problem-it's his problem. You'll really know for sure if when you do leave he flips out and gets super needy (bitch like) and then gets super pissed and then creepy because that's what he his. You will kow for sure when you see that. Now if on the other hand he holds his head high and leaves you be and is dignified about it, then maybe just some time apart is all you both really need. I'm guessing that won't be the case though. Oh by the way everyone has a tendency to get upset and do some irrational things when someone goes, but then they pull themselves together fairly quickly. I have a feeling he will try to haunt you for some time. So when you do go for good (I hope you do) make sure you have a plan so he can't try to keep you under his finger or be able to track you down to talk or whatever
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