newpriorities Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 (edited) Hi All, I too haven't disappeared, but been lurking lately. As some of you may remember, I recently "ended" a 3 yr. A with a mm, but we work together so we still see each other daily. We didn't have a d-day, not even a conversation that it is over. I simply stopped making the effort to schedule times together and he never stepped up to fill in the void. I'm still in tremendous amounts of pain, mostly because I miss certain aspects of our R, but overall am doing very well. I wanted to start a thread about what we have learned--both the good and the bad--from our A's. So for what it's worth, here's my two cents! Good: I learned to truly live in the moment and enjoy it in it's entirety. I learned how to share cultural differences since my xMM and I are of different racial backgrounds. I learned it is possible to have sex for 7 hours straight! (ok, with a few breaks!) I learned how to have the big "O" from just intercourse . I learned that lovemaking had depths to it I had never experienced in my 20+ yrs of M I learned to feel alive again--to feel every breath and every moment. I learned life is not black and white/good and bad. He is a good man, who stays M because of his kids--which is what I did and I would do it again. He does love me, by his definition, it's just not my definition of love. Bad: I learned what it feels like to give my heart and not have it truly reciprocated. I learned about humiliation: the humiliation of him showering after our lovemaking to wash our scent away before he went home (I remember another OP talking about this); the humiliation of him walking behind me when we were downtown "just in case"; the humiliation of listening to him lie on the phone about where he was.... I learned about pain--oh the pain: the pain of being excluded, by definition, of a significant part of his life, the pain of not being able to get in touch with him when I needed him, the pain of not being able to be with him. The pain of rejection... Anyways, I would love to hear others' thoughts! Edited December 20, 2010 by newpriorities Spelling error in title
calliope Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 He does love me, by his definition, it's just not my definition of love. I think this is a truly insightful "Good". And I'm sure it took a very strong person to come to the realization and do what you had to do for yourself. Kudos to you..
siuys Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 Good: what it feels like to really love someone, what it feels like to be taken care of when you're sick, you smell like vomit, and look like ****, what it feels like to have passionate sex, what it feels like just to be with that person doing nothing in particular, what it feels like to be read to in bed, what it feels like have someone special that has made me change in a good way... Bad: Being with someone unavailable, being with someone flipping and flopping, being with someone who is not done and may never be done in his M, being excluded, not being fully in his life, being a secret, the anxiety attacks, the sleepless nights...
East7 Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Good : Passionate sex like never before in my life. Tremendously overwhelming feelings when together. Romance and fantasy. Physically she was average but I loved her legs, lips, eyes, etc everything in her. She was the prettiest woman in my eyes. I almost worshiped her. We had a lot of intellectual connection, she was very smart and had a good career. I learned a lot from her. Sophisticated with good tastes she could have been my ideal wife. Bad : - The worst of all: the humiliation of sharing someone ! The idea that she would sleep with her H (even she use to claim no sex at all) - Unavailability and distance (in my case there was distance) - Chronic sadness for not being with her, tired of "I miss you-s" - Hiding and secrecy : we had a couple of common friends and everyone considered us as "friends". - Being told "I love you-s" while being committed to someone else.
Ladyblue Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 Good: that d@mned old connection, like no one's ever had with anyone. Bad: it hurts too much to remember the good. :'( pretty much what everyone else has said. Loving someone so much, and knowing he's with someone else. Not being able to call him, or be with him, when I needed him. Not being able to know his children, his friends, or be a part of the other areas of his life. The loneliness, sadness, wondering if he's ok. Wondering why he hadnt called. The wasted years.
steelknife Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 Hi All, I too haven't disappeared, Good: I learned to truly live in the moment and enjoy it in it's entirety. I learned how to share cultural differences since my xMM and I are of different racial backgrounds. I learned it is possible to have sex for 7 hours straight! (ok, with a few breaks!) I learned how to have the big "O" from just intercourse . I learned that lovemaking had depths to it I had never experienced in my 20+ yrs of M I learned to feel alive again--to feel every breath and every moment. I learned life is not black and white/good and bad. He is a good man, who stays M because of his kids--which is what I did and I would do it again. He does love me, by his definition, it's just not my definition of love. Bad: I learned what it feels like to give my heart and not have it truly reciprocated. I learned about humiliation: the humiliation of him showering after our lovemaking to wash our scent away before he went home (I remember another OP talking about this); the humiliation of him walking behind me when we were downtown "just in case"; the humiliation of listening to him lie on the phone about where he was.... I learned about pain--oh the pain: the pain of being excluded, by definition, of a significant part of his life, the pain of not being able to get in touch with him when I needed him, the pain of not being able to be with him. The pain of rejection... Anyways, I would love to hear others' thoughts! except for the bolded ones, i almost get to see STEELKNIFE as the poster.
pureinheart Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 (edited) Good- He lived (he pissed me off really bad a couple of times) His kids lived (they pissed me off really bad a couple of times) His ex lived (she pissed me off also) All good as far as I can see:D Please always keep this in mind...it is better to be pissed of, than pissed on... Edited December 22, 2010 by pureinheart
Summer Breeze Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 I learned that someone could love me as much as I love them and how wonderful it is. I had someone in place in my life when I went through a horrific event and he was a rock for me. I saw his selflessness when he helped heal me and get me strong enough even though he knew he could have made me dependent on him and kept the A going. He gave me the strength and freedom to make the decisions I eventually did and that meant leaving him behind. The bad. None. We weren't able to move forward together but that's happened with several men in my life. I hated saying goodbye but I needed more. Strangely enough I've found more several times and ended it because the love isn't as strong and I'd rather keep searching than settle.
skywriter Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 I've learned how important it is not to cross the boundaries with a commited person. Also, that I do want to experience love in my life again. Learned to stop being so selfish and throw caution to the wind. I have learned, that if I am worth more to myself, then I will be worthy to recieve, all that I am willing to give. peace....
MorningCoffee Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 Been thinking about this thread, and the question posed as to what did I learn from my affair. Of course, there are lots of things, but for me, the most salient lesson has been this: I learned that love, complete with a deep, core-level connection and amazing sex, was still possible for me. This was huge for me, a few years widowed after a long marriage to the only woman with whom I'd ever enjoyed such a connection. As I entered my sixties, I'd dated some, even had one pretty good GF relationship for nearly a year. But nothing like what I had previously experienced, and I didn't believe such a love could ever come my way again. Wow, did ex-AP/MW prove me wrong. Unfortunately, she was married, already committed and with both a good provider H and a young child. I learned that sometimes, love is not enough. I learned the flip side of such a powerful connection, when lost, is a degree of pain at least as devastating as grieving the loss of my wife had been, yet more isolated because the affair was secret and so is one's grief. No regrets, no recriminations. I work on myself because the lessons learned motivate me to become a healthier guy, with better boundaries, so that I might attract someone who will be able to give me all that ex-AP/MW did, plus be available and make a commitment, this time to me. Life goes on.
Author newpriorities Posted December 23, 2010 Author Posted December 23, 2010 Good : Passionate sex like never before in my life. Tremendously overwhelming feelings when together. Romance and fantasy. Physically she was average but I loved her legs, lips, eyes, etc everything in her. She was the prettiest woman in my eyes. I almost worshiped her. We had a lot of intellectual connection, she was very smart and had a good career. I learned a lot from her. Sophisticated with good tastes she could have been my ideal wife. Bad : - The worst of all: the humiliation of sharing someone ! The idea that she would sleep with her H (even she use to claim no sex at all) - Unavailability and distance (in my case there was distance) - Chronic sadness for not being with her, tired of "I miss you-s" - Hiding and secrecy : we had a couple of common friends and everyone considered us as "friends". - Being told "I love you-s" while being committed to someone else. The first bolded part--this is what makes it soooooo difficult to give up on these types of R's--my xMM made me feel that way and who wants to lose that? The second bolded part---ahhh, yes, this is humiliating! My xMM claimed no sex either. Do you think that is possible? The last 2 yrs. of my M there was no sex, but I believe that is because the M was truly ending. My xMM claimed they remained married because of their kid, but I don't think he and his W had an "understanding" that the M was over in all but name only. So I was ALWAYS dubious about the no sex claim....but who knows....?
pureinheart Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 I've learned how important it is not to cross the boundaries with a commited person. Also, that I do want to experience love in my life again. Learned to stop being so selfish and throw caution to the wind. I have learned, that if I am worth more to myself, then I will be worthy to recieve, all that I am willing to give. peace.... Hey SW, since reading a reply you gave in a previous thread (was going to reply, although forgot), I have been wondering how you were doing...I hope all is well.... (((((((hugs)))))))
skywriter Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Hiya pureinheart! Happy Holidays! I'm doing well and I hope you are.
xxSRMxx Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 Good. he made me laugh like no-one else could!! Made everything feel safe when he was around me the sex... Our private jokes Bad SHARING him... The empty feeling when he leaves after youve spent time together Not being able to just pick up the phone and ring him whenever you like Not being able to shout from the rooftops how much you couldnt wait to see him and how much you loved him. Feeling like a dirty little secret To be honest, I could go on with bad points....Im glad i'm out of it now.
East7 Posted December 24, 2010 Posted December 24, 2010 Feeling like a dirty little secret To be honest, I could go on with bad points....I'm glad i'm out of it now. That's a part of humiliation I forgot "little shameful secret". Personally it wouldn't have bothered me a second that people know about us, but it was about her. We had a few common friends and no one knew.
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