Regret and Remorse is there a difference?

[2themoon&back]

I have been asked more than once about regretting my decisions on being involved in an A, and I have said before that though I do not regret that decision, I do have remorse.

 

Regret to me indicates that I do not take any responsibility in my choice and that would be false, I knew what I was doing and did it anyway.

 

Remorse says to me that I am sorry for my choices.

 

I am wondering if anyone else sees a difference between the two?

 

I feel there is a huge difference.

 

Here is what I have found on this subject :

 

Regret is a rational, intelligent and, on occasion, emotional reaction to some unexpected, unintended and often costly consequence of some event or action.

 

Remorse, on the other hand takes on a bitter, deeper form that elicits much stronger personal and emotional reactions to personal guilt, societal shame, humiliation, resentment and often anger.

 

While regret is amoral and concerned with good versus bad consequences, remorse has more to do with right versus wrong actions2.

 

Feelings of remorse are often caused by actions that constitute serious and painful errors of judgment and often draws out powerful compulsions to fix the mistake(s) through personal change and sacrifice.

 

http://www.perfectapology.com/regret.html

 

So I would ask… what should I feel due to an A, regret or remorse?

 

I rolled with remorse.

 

I am trying very hard to find forgiveness for myself and my actions, and to try repair myself in some way so that I too can start to heal and move to a better place in my head and my life.

[Ellin]

There is no "should" when it comes to feelings. Emotions just ARE. We don't decide to feel something and then make ourselves feel it.

 

From your post I get an impression that you are not very kind to yourself. You said you feel remorse and no regret, so you don't mind suffering bad consequences but you do condemn yourself.

 

I think regret is a natural rection to having made a decision, the consequences of which hurt us, but I try to see it rather as a valuable lesson and make sure I have learned from it.

 

When it comes to remorse, it is good to try and understand why we did what we did and then forgive ourselves. It is really important to do so.

[2themoon&back]

There is no "should" when it comes to feelings. Emotions just ARE. We don't decide to feel something and then make ourselves feel it.

 

From your post I get an impression that you are not very kind to yourself. You said you feel remorse and no regret, so you don't mind suffering bad consequences but you do condemn yourself.

 

I think regret is a natural rection to having made a decision, the consequences of which hurt us, but I try to see it rather as a valuable lesson and make sure I have learned from it.

 

When it comes to remorse, it is good to try and understand why we did what we did and then forgive ourselves. It is really important to do so.

 

 

To me ellin your insight is dead on and the word "should" is used due to the lack of a better one at the moment.

[Hazyhead]

I have been asked more than once about regretting my decisions on being involved in an A, and I have said before that though I do not regret that decision, I do have remorse.

 

Regret to me indicates that I do not take any responsibility in my choice and that would be false, I knew what I was doing and did it anyway.

 

Remorse says to me that I am sorry for my choices.

 

I am wondering if anyone else sees a difference between the two?

 

I feel there is a huge difference.

 

Here is what I have found on this subject :

 

Regret is a rational, intelligent and, on occasion, emotional reaction to some unexpected, unintended and often costly consequence of some event or action.

 

Remorse, on the other hand takes on a bitter, deeper form that elicits much stronger personal and emotional reactions to personal guilt, societal shame, humiliation, resentment and often anger.

 

While regret is amoral and concerned with good versus bad consequences, remorse has more to do with right versus wrong actions2.

 

Feelings of remorse are often caused by actions that constitute serious and painful errors of judgment and often draws out powerful compulsions to fix the mistake(s) through personal change and sacrifice.

 

http://www.perfectapology.com/regret.html

 

So I would ask… what should I feel due to an A, regret or remorse?

 

I rolled with remorse.

 

I am trying very hard to find forgiveness for myself and my actions, and to try repair myself in some way so that I too can start to heal and move to a better place in my head and my life.

 

My understanding of the difference between the two is pretty much the same, although I don't like to think too much of the semantics - just focus on what I learn from the experience. I do, however, feel both for my part in the affair. Regret - sorry for what I did to myself and would love to take back a number of actions. Remorse - I am sorry for choosing behaviours that hurt people, including myself.

 

Now I focus on trying to better myself as a result.

[2themoon&back]

My understanding of the difference between the two is pretty much the same, although I don't like to think too much of the semantics - just focus on what I learn from the experience. I do, however, feel both for my part in the affair. Regret - sorry for what I did to myself and would love to take back a number of actions. Remorse - I am sorry for choosing behaviours that hurt people, including myself.

 

Now I focus on trying to better myself as a result.

 

 

 

Thank you for your time, you do have a good point about feeling both, I will ask what you told yourself to do the bolded part?

 

I ask because--before this choice I would have thought I was a good decent person, who always considered others feelings to a fault, more than my own and this was a very selfish decision to be involved in an A, one of very few I have made in my life and I cannot seem to stop paying for it at my own hands or at the hands of others, so to better myself seems to elude me at this time.

[Ellin]

Moon, stop punishing yourself

 

Even if "the whole world" want to punish you, YOU be kind to yourself.

 

The bad consequences that you've suffered don't reflect the seriousness of your "deed". You know that many of the consequences were caused by people who have direct interest in your suffering. Don't allow it to affect your judgement of yourself.

 

You knew that getting involved with this man wasn't morally perfect BUT at the time you had important reasons that resulted in this decision. His actions must have played a big role too. For all you know it could have ended a lot better and if it had you wouldn't be beating yourself up now, so don't do it just based on the result.

 

You genuinely believed that his M was close to over and you had reasons to do so - he told everyone about you, about his feelings for you and his intention to be with you - he wasn't even lying and cheating at least for a good part of the time. In the end he wasn't strong enough to deal with the pressure he was confronted with.

 

It has been a learning opportunity so make sure you make most out of it, but be good to yourself.

 

Now make yourself as happy as you can be for the rest of your life, because there will be no rewinding. Happy people are more productive, have more to offer to others and make better choices to go on and start loving and pampering yourself.

[Spark1111]

Thank you for your time, you do have a good point about feeling both, I will ask what you told yourself to do the bolded part?

 

I ask because--before this choice I would have thought I was a good decent person, who always considered others feelings to a fault, more than my own and this was a very selfish decision to be involved in an A, one of very few I have made in my life and I cannot seem to stop paying for it at my own hands or at the hands of others, so to better myself seems to elude me at this time.

 

Interesting topic....one I just recently discussed in MC

 

You can regret many things, being late for work, scolding your child, being short with an aging parent....but it did not ruin your day, month or year or life.

 

While you regret your actions, you do not beat yourself up for them....too much. You understand the forces that led to them and vow to have more patience (fill in the blank) in the future. It is somewhat justified in your mind and it is okay. You vow to learn and grow from it.

 

Remorse is much more profound. You have taken a course of action that has caused you or others untold pain. You own your actions. You feel DEEPLY the pain you have caused another. You would give your left arm to undue what you did to both yourself, or another.

 

You vow to never repeat such a painful action again, ever. And if you are truly remorseful, you never will.

 

That's the difference IMHO, and it is huge.

[LucreziaBorgia]

The way it is for me:

 

regret = on my behalf

remorse = on the behalf of others

 

Regrets never kept me from MM, involved men, or otherwise. Remorse on the other hand? Once I felt that in terms of my involvements with other people's SOs, I never looked back.

[pureinheart]

This is really insightful 2TMAB...

 

Please forgive yourself, as you are human...and guess what, this will not be the first mistake or error in judgement, and it's ok because we do learn.

 

Your really good people and have a lot of good things to share that really help others. LS has really been blessed IMO lately with a lot of really cool people signing on...you do make a difference!

 

It has been so long ago that I don't really remember that much about the A...I am dealing with the break up of me and him after his D.

Edited December 22, 2010 by pureinheart

[Feelin Frisky]

Regret and remorse are different. I can regret not having kicked someone's face in that deserved it. But I can't have remorse that I DIDN'T do such a thing. I can regret I kicked his face in and I can have remorse that I kicked his face in but I can't have remorse that I didn't kick his face in. The score is regret 4 and remorse 3.

[East7]

 

Remorse is much more profound.

 

I agree with spark.

 

Regret is temporary and superficial, you may regret a insignificant action or smth for not too long.

 

Remorse is profound and involves your deep conscience. Remorse is a long-lasting feeling. People die with it ! Have you never heard "with that remorse until the end of his life" - Remorse is when the action which has caused it is very severe (murder, child abandon, etc)

 

As other posters say, don't beat yourself too much. You have been an OW, so what ? It is not a good thing, but you were "helped" by MM, so I hope you don't have remorse, just some regret

[Hazyhead]

Thank you for your time, you do have a good point about feeling both, I will ask what you told yourself to do the bolded part?

 

I ask because--before this choice I would have thought I was a good decent person, who always considered others feelings to a fault, more than my own and this was a very selfish decision to be involved in an A, one of very few I have made in my life and I cannot seem to stop paying for it at my own hands or at the hands of others, so to better myself seems to elude me at this time.

 

Agree with you here, that's what I had always thought of myself too... until the A. When you say 'paying for it', what do you mean? By working on myself I meant getting myself into therapy, discussing what it was that led me to that point and working on how I feel full of regret now. I know for a fact I would never put myself in that position again, and make the decisions, once there, to stay in it. My choices helped to devastate another person... I can't take them back but after apologising (pathetic though that may have been) and being completely honest is the closest I will come to any form of atonement. What's done is done, but the future will be full of better, healthier, less selfish decisions on my part. Plus, I want to have that for myself when I'm ready, a healthy, honest relationship that hurts no-one.

[Spark1111]

I agree with spark.

 

Regret is temporary and superficial, you may regret a insignificant action or smth for not too long.

 

Remorse is profound and involves your deep conscience. Remorse is a long-lasting feeling. People die with it ! Have you never heard "with that remorse until the end of his life" - Remorse is when the action which has caused it is very severe (murder, child abandon, etc)

 

As other posters say, don't beat yourself too much. You have been an OW, so what ? It is not a good thing, but you were "helped" by MM, so I hope you don't have remorse, just some regret

 

But I certainly hope that MM, if he attempted to reconcile with the spouse he betrayed, has remorse for his actions.

[2sure]

In general I try to not have regrets. I've made huge, big, horrible mistakes. Some that have effected others and all that have changed me.

To regret the mistakes ...is kind of like saying to myself: I f'd up, wish I hadnt, but its done now. But for me, thats a cop out. Everything that I have done, including the painful and stupid, has led me to the person that I am. Flaws and all - I am VALID. As is.

 

Remorse...sorrow...yes, absolutely. Without remorse and sorrow I could not forgive myself the sometimes unforgivable.

 

If I have learned and changed and grown...its because of many things the largest of which might be mistakes. So I cant have regret and remain valid. If I have not made an effort to change and grow and learn from my mistakes..then that would be a life of regret.

[anne1707]

I agree with 2Sure. Mistakes can lead to growth and self-improvement if responded to well hence they should not always be regretted. However I do have remorse for the pain I caused my H through my affair. But that does not mean I am beating myself up about it. That level of guilt is not healthy in the long term and is also not what my H wants or expects from me.

[2themoon&back]

Moon, stop punishing yourself

 

Even if "the whole world" want to punish you, YOU be kind to yourself.

 

The bad consequences that you've suffered don't reflect the seriousness of your "deed". You know that many of the consequences were caused by people who have direct interest in your suffering. Don't allow it to affect your judgement of yourself.

 

You knew that getting involved with this man wasn't morally perfect BUT at the time you had important reasons that resulted in this decision. His actions must have played a big role too. For all you know it could have ended a lot better and if it had you wouldn't be beating yourself up now, so don't do it just based on the result.

 

You genuinely believed that his M was close to over and you had reasons to do so - he told everyone about you, about his feelings for you and his intention to be with you - he wasn't even lying and cheating at least for a good part of the time. In the end he wasn't strong enough to deal with the pressure he was confronted with.

 

It has been a learning opportunity so make sure you make most out of it, but be good to yourself.

 

Now make yourself as happy as you can be for the rest of your life, because there will be no rewinding. Happy people are more productive, have more to offer to others and make better choices to go on and start loving and pampering yourself.

 

Ellin, your kindnesses will never go unnoticed with me… I get discouraged sometimes here on LS, because I know some posters speed read, speed think and speed respond without much thought to the person, or what is needed by them at the time, and I know you and some others take time to answer and take a minute to process what is really being conveyed by the poster, not just the topic or thread they are posting in and for this I am thankful.

 

I am TRYING so hard to give myself a break, I have slammed myself till the stuffing is out of me, I have managed to take a pause, I guess like in any a$$ whipping (even if you’re giving it to yourself) you get tired and need to take a break to catch your breath

 

This has been such a long long did I say long hard road to just to give myself a break.

 

I am trying to cut myself some slack, and trying to understand self forgiveness and how to distribute responsibility properly.

 

I know you are 100% right! Thank You !

[2themoon&back]

Spark, thank you for sharing and I am glad this is another level of understanding that we can share.

 

I was wondering if I may ask how long have you been in MC, to come to this topic.

 

I have been in IC, for what seems like forever (years) but on the topic of A ending since July and I struggle with this inside myself and have not even started to tap into forgiveness just trying to put words to my feelings and what is in my head. I do have true remorse but not as much so regret because I do want to believe that something better in me that will come from the choices I have made that shocked me to my core.

[carrie999]

In general I try to not have regrets. I've made huge, big, horrible mistakes. Some that have effected others and all that have changed me.

To regret the mistakes ...is kind of like saying to myself: I f'd up, wish I hadnt, but its done now. But for me, thats a cop out. Everything that I have done, including the painful and stupid, has led me to the person that I am. Flaws and all - I am VALID. As is.

 

Remorse...sorrow...yes, absolutely. Without remorse and sorrow I could not forgive myself the sometimes unforgivable.

 

If I have learned and changed and grown...its because of many things the largest of which might be mistakes. So I cant have regret and remain valid. If I have not made an effort to change and grow and learn from my mistakes..then that would be a life of regret.

 

I agree. I don't regret my actions, but if they hurt someone who was blameless in the situation (BS, etc.) I would feel remorse. I have no regrets now because I have learned and changed and grown.

[anne1707]

i have regrets and remorse for pain i have caused my spouse.

 

Don't get me wrong - what I did in my affair was so bad and there is defintely regret as well as remorse. However both my H and I have learnt from the affair and are much happier than we were before. Our communication is so much better than it was, we make more time for us and also appreciate what we have far more.

 

This does create some kind of dilemma then because we now have a better marriage than before and I cannot say whether we would be in this position if there had been no affair - we could have split just because we did not start putting the work into our relationship that we do now. However that does not mean that I think what I did was therefore acceptable. I am just so glad that I was given the chance to stay with my H and thankfully we both wanted to work on our marriage together,

[pureinheart]

Regret and remorse are different. I can regret not having kicked someone's face in that deserved it. But I can't have remorse that I DIDN'T do such a thing. I can regret I kicked his face in and I can have remorse that I kicked his face in but I can't have remorse that I didn't kick his face in. The score is regret 4 and remorse 3.

 

This is really good FF...you crack me up!

[2themoon&back]

The way it is for me:

 

regret = on my behalf

remorse = on the behalf of others

 

Regrets never kept me from MM, involved men, or otherwise. Remorse on the other hand? Once I felt that in terms of my involvements with other people's SOs, I never looked back.

 

Very simply put with power and I agree!

[2themoon&back]

2sure

 

Remorse...sorrow...yes, absolutely. Without remorse and sorrow I could not forgive myself the sometimes unforgivable.

 

 

This is what I am just learning to do and it has been so hard, to come to terms with. My whole life has had to change to even consider this as an option.

[2themoon&back]

Agree with you here, that's what I had always thought of myself too... until the A. When you say 'paying for it', what do you mean? By working on myself I meant getting myself into therapy, discussing what it was that led me to that point and working on how I feel full of regret now. I know for a fact I would never put myself in that position again, and make the decisions, once there, to stay in it. My choices helped to devastate another person... I can't take them back but after apologising (pathetic though that may have been) and being completely honest is the closest I will come to any form of atonement. What's done is done, but the future will be full of better, healthier, less selfish decisions on my part. Plus, I want to have that for myself when I'm ready, a healthy, honest relationship that hurts no-one.

 

Hazhead,

There have been so many punitive damages that have been placed on me in some of my other relationship including my job, which I am going to be pursuing in a legal format so the details may be a little vague but I have discussed some of it in other threads.

 

While I know that I am remorseful at the same time I have a hard time seeing things clear enough to know everything that has happened to me was not my choice or because of my choices, but because people outside of the A made choices as well as did xMM and I really had no control over that even when I feel like I was reasonable.

 

I swear this morning I am not even sure if that made sense but I hope so.

[2themoon&back]

I agree with spark.

 

Regret is temporary and superficial, you may regret a insignificant action or smth for not too long.

 

Remorse is profound and involves your deep conscience. Remorse is a long-lasting feeling. People die with it ! Have you never heard "with that remorse until the end of his life" - Remorse is when the action which has caused it is very severe (murder, child abandon, etc)

 

As other posters say, don't beat yourself too much. You have been an OW, so what ? It is not a good thing, but you were "helped" by MM, so I hope you don't have remorse, just some regret

 

 

See East7, you said a mouthful here; I have such a hard time allowing anyone else to have any responsibility in the A.

 

I believe I have maintained a distorted view of my own importance in a sense that my choice made everyone else’s choices and that is simply not so. I do not have that much control over others, but the funny thing is others will feed this idea that you do.

 

Accountability hence Remorse not regrets.

 

I have been feeling like if I hurt enough, hate myself enough, sacrifice enough that someone will say “I forgive you”, when the one who needs to say this--- is MYSELF to me, then I may be able to move out of the muck.

[2themoon&back]

I agree with 2Sure. Mistakes can lead to growth and self-improvement if responded to well hence they should not always be regretted. However I do have remorse for the pain I caused my H through my affair. But that does not mean I am beating myself up about it. That level of guilt is not healthy in the long term and is also not what my H wants or expects from me.

 

 

I agree I have a very unhealthy amount of guilt and what I am learning is that will hinder any progress in a positive way.

 

One day maybe we can discuss self forgiveness and how you got there.