calliope Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 So today I feel really anxious, on pins & needles, like I don't know what to do with myself. I haven't seen him since Friday at work. I had a rough day on Saturday but yesterday wasn't quite as bad. I know I'm going to see him for a few minutes this afternoon when I go to work at 4, when he finishes for the day. Tomorrow will be the same, then I'm out of town until after Xmas. Maybe the anxiety is knowing when I'm away I won't see him at all? Sometimes when I think about the fact that he's trying to get his home life together, I panic thinking that I'm not in his future. I know I shouldn't be dwelling on him, but I just can't help it sometimes. I would've thought that I'm far enough along to not have this anxious feeling anymore...
Hazyhead Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 I think your anxious feeling is normal. You can't be expected to just turn off your feelings for him overnight, what matters is what you do with these feelings, and so far you haven't acted in any detrimental way to your healing. It might even be excitement at the thought of seeing him, I wouldn't blame you for that. Or, it could be the prospect of getting to Christmas and keeping LC as much as possible - succeeding in something really difficult. Don't feel bad about this. I found the 'Fake it till you make it' mantra true.
Author calliope Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 Thanks Hazy, I knew I could count on you...! I thought about the excitement about seeing him thing, and kind of got angry at myself for thinking that. The way he acted towards me last week really hurt, and I know I don't want to keep feeling that over & over. I haven't done anything detrimental to my healing yet, but as time goes by I'm starting to feel weaker about maintaining NC/LC, especially since he's doing it to me. Does that sound stupid?
fellhard4u Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 Hi Calliope, I know how that feels. I'm lucky in that xMM and I work in a field where we have the next 2 weeks off and we don't have to see each other. Is there a way that you can avoid seeing him for those few minutes? I mean, like being at work, but conveniently being in another part of the building perhaps (picking up copies, starting a work conversation with someone else at work?...). As for your anxiety about not seeing him over Xmas and the panic you feel at the thought of him trying to work on his marriage, just remember the pain he has caused YOU and how he took YOUR heart and YOUR feelings and trampled on them. Sending hugs and lots of courage to you. It hurts like nothing else, I know... Can you be angry at him?
Hazyhead Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 Thanks Hazy, I knew I could count on you...! I thought about the excitement about seeing him thing, and kind of got angry at myself for thinking that. The way he acted towards me last week really hurt, and I know I don't want to keep feeling that over & over. I haven't done anything detrimental to my healing yet, but as time goes by I'm starting to feel weaker about maintaining NC/LC, especially since he's doing it to me. Does that sound stupid? Not at all! You are bound to go through periods of weakness, where you are still seeing him in his 'ideal one' role, as that is how you have thought of him, or tried to think of him, for so long. I had so many evenings where I sat at the PC, or staring at my phone typing and deleting words. We can all wallow, Cal. I think you should give yourself a bit of a break for feeling this way and just think that it will ease. As far as contacting him goes, set yourself periods of time to get through: 'If I can just make it through till dinnertime/evening', etc. and don't contact him for that length. Then, at the end of it, ask yourself is it urgent or can you wait another period of time. Short goals will help you get through the weak moments, then take yourself out and do something distracting. You've done so well and only have a couple of days of work left; it's really not worth giving in at this point.
ItsNeverForever Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 Maybe the anxiety is knowing when I'm away I won't see him at all? Sometimes when I think about the fact that he's trying to get his home life together, I panic thinking that I'm not in his future. I know I shouldn't be dwelling on him, but I just can't help it sometimes. Yes, I understand this anxiety. I've suffered it many times in my situation. I know this isn't exactly rocket science or the greatest advice of all time, but in my experience, more often than not when I had that anxiety the very next time I saw him something would happen that would be so ridiculous or hurtful or offensive, or even just plain STUPID that it made me lose a little more respect for him, or just feel sorry for the dumb@ss's obvious lack of brain cells, or even made me sick at the sight of him. Not every time, but many! (Like the time he brought HER to the "gym" and she kept taking his hand, and he wasn't letting it go...RIGHT in my FACE..."well what was I supposed to dooooo? If i let her hand go, she'd know something was up." URGH. Wanted to slap his face like in an old b&w movie right there in front of her. But their kiddo was there, I wasn't about to hurt that adorable, innocent little one.) So after a few instances of this, I found that my anxiety over the the thoughts of not seeing him, and not being in his future, subsided greatly. I just kept replaying those disgusting, disappointing instances in my head and it made me feel so much better. You know, telling myself that if I saw him he would just disappoint me anyway, so good riddance. I hope this makes sense...and I hope these feelings subside quickly for you. I am thinking of you all the time, and sending good juju your way. You need to have a good trip and a relaxing, enjoyable holiday. Demand it of yourself - no one deserves to be miserable this time of year, especially not you, at the hands of his careless heart. Just mere HOURS to go before you're MILES AWAY from this madness...you can do it, honey! I've got my pom-poms out to prove it!
ItsNeverForever Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 ...and Hazy's SO RIGHT! 1. Fake it 'til you make it... 2. Short goals... 3. NOT WORTH giving in at this point! <3
Author calliope Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 Is there a way that you can avoid seeing him for those few minutes? I can arrive late, which is usually my way. But I know I won't because in my heart I know I want to see him...
Author calliope Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 You are bound to go through periods of weakness, where you are still seeing him in his 'ideal one' role, as that is how you have thought of him, or tried to think of him, for so long. I think you should give yourself a bit of a break for feeling this way and just think that it will ease. As far as contacting him goes, set yourself periods of time to get through: 'If I can just make it through till dinnertime/evening', etc. and don't contact him for that length. Then, at the end of it, ask yourself is it urgent or can you wait another period of time. Short goals will help you get through the weak moments, then take yourself out and do something distracting. I composed an e-mail and sent it to myself. It was only 2 lines and I've read it over and over, but didn't send it to him. I just want to get through Tuesday. I wouldn't send it now when I'd have to see him, rather right before I leave town for 2 weeks. Maybe to try to reassure myself he won't forget me when I'm gone?? I have no idea how to decipher these crazy thoughts I'm making up. I'm usually so level-headed and clear in my mind that this is really confusing to me. Not how he's acting, but how I am....
Author calliope Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 more often than not when I had that anxiety the very next time I saw him something would happen that would be so ridiculous or hurtful or offensive, or even just plain STUPID that it made me lose a little more respect for him, or just feel sorry for the dumb@ss's obvious lack of brain cells, or even made me sick at the sight of him. Not every time, but many! So after a few instances of this, I found that my anxiety over the the thoughts of not seeing him, and not being in his future, subsided greatly. I just kept replaying those disgusting, disappointing instances in my head and it made me feel so much better. You know, telling myself that if I saw him he would just disappoint me anyway, so good riddance. I hope this makes sense... I've got my pom-poms out to prove it! Thanks forever...it did make sense. That incident at the gym sounds just awful! I can't imagine.. He once told me anytime he's out w/her he'd keep an eye out for me b/c he never wanted me to see him w/her b/c he knew how much it'd hurt me. I thought it was very sweet at the time, but then he ran back to her.... Keep those pom poms out...
Hazyhead Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 I composed an e-mail and sent it to myself. It was only 2 lines and I've read it over and over, but didn't send it to him. I just want to get through Tuesday. I wouldn't send it now when I'd have to see him, rather right before I leave town for 2 weeks. Maybe to try to reassure myself he won't forget me when I'm gone?? I have no idea how to decipher these crazy thoughts I'm making up. I'm usually so level-headed and clear in my mind that this is really confusing to me. Not how he's acting, but how I am.... So, there's your goal for now: Tuesday. That's great, hon. You have until then to get through work - keep yourself as busy as possible... two days - totally doable. At the end of Tuesday, get yourself packed for your trip, ring your friends and relatives about plans over the next couple of weeks, and then try your best to get out of town without sending that email - he won't forget about you and what's in it can wait (at best). Once you send it you can't get it back and this power you have so brilliantly earned over the last few days will be lost. As for the thoughts, don't try to decipher them, there's no need (and I know how crazy they can make you). Just keep plodding on and finding as many distractions as possible. I think you need to look at this as the start of your healing - not a cool period to tempt him back to you. An email sent could be an email that lands you back in the same mess and you don't deserve that.
Hazyhead Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 Yes, I understand this anxiety. I've suffered it many times in my situation. I know this isn't exactly rocket science or the greatest advice of all time, but in my experience, more often than not when I had that anxiety the very next time I saw him something would happen that would be so ridiculous or hurtful or offensive, or even just plain STUPID that it made me lose a little more respect for him, or just feel sorry for the dumb@ss's obvious lack of brain cells, or even made me sick at the sight of him. Not every time, but many! (Like the time he brought HER to the "gym" and she kept taking his hand, and he wasn't letting it go...RIGHT in my FACE..."well what was I supposed to dooooo? If i let her hand go, she'd know something was up." URGH. Wanted to slap his face like in an old b&w movie right there in front of her. But their kiddo was there, I wasn't about to hurt that adorable, innocent little one.) So after a few instances of this, I found that my anxiety over the the thoughts of not seeing him, and not being in his future, subsided greatly. I just kept replaying those disgusting, disappointing instances in my head and it made me feel so much better. You know, telling myself that if I saw him he would just disappoint me anyway, so good riddance. I hope this makes sense...and I hope these feelings subside quickly for you. I am thinking of you all the time, and sending good juju your way. You need to have a good trip and a relaxing, enjoyable holiday. Demand it of yourself - no one deserves to be miserable this time of year, especially not you, at the hands of his careless heart. Just mere HOURS to go before you're MILES AWAY from this madness...you can do it, honey! I've got my pom-poms out to prove it! That is one disrespectful dude, to both of you! Urgh - you don't need him hon.
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