sj021 Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 Looking for advice as I am almost overcome with guilt about an incident 6 months ago. A little background first, myself and my wife have been married for 8 years and we have 2 kids. Last year our marriage was going through an extremely difficult time as she was extremely disengaged. While the issues were not all her fault (they seldom are) she was pulling away from me. our sex life was practically non existent as she seemed uninterested. At one point when we talked about what was going on she even told me that she was considering leaving me. Needless to say I was not in a very good place. During this time I attended a big party with some friends (all guys) and we ended up going to a strip club. Things went too far and there was a lot of things going on with a dancer. We did not have intercourse but there was plenty of touching/kissing on both parts and if I wasn't as drunk as I was I'm sure more would have happened. This was bad enough but at the time I was miserable anyway so I didn't seem to affect me as much. However since then we have talked a lot more and both changed a great deal in our lives for the best. We are happy again and back to our old ways with the marriage being everything it should be. Since this time I have been over come with guilt of what happened and I can't seem to be truly happy about our new situation. I don't feel like I can tell her as it will ruin our marriage as I'm sure she will leave me. Any advice????
Rose1977 Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 I have been cheated on, and normally advocate full disclosure because I know I deserved to know everything that went on behind my back. But, in your situation, I am just not sure the truth is necessary for your wife. Did you ever see this dancer again? It sounds like no. If anything else went on like emails/phone calls with this woman, I would say you should tell your wife. Also, if you feel the guilt will prevent you from being a loving and attentive husband, you need to tell her so you can get rid of the guilt of hiding what happened from her. It seems you really realize what you did was wrong and you feel awful about it. I'm kind of torn about this because part of me says honesty always, buy I'm just not sure it's necessary in this situation. Also, as someone who was a dancer through college and then some, I'm sorry but I'm about to burst your bubble. No dancer kisses anyone or lets someone touch her unless she is after your money. She was hoping you would want more so she could meet up with you outside of the club or charge you more for "touching" during the dance and therefore make more money that night. That's just the way it is. But it's BECAUSE of this that I am telling you I'm not sure you need to tell your wife. I am well aware of how dancers operate, and it's far from wanting a R or A (99% of the time). They're after the money. The ones that are in affairs are usually benefitting financially from it, and when you hear them in the dressing room all they do is bit%% about how annoying their MM is. I am glad you and your wife worked through your issues and wish you continued luck. My BF and I have worked/are working through infidelity on his part and we have made a lot of changes to the relationship and are doing better than ever. I can honestly say that I feel disclosing what happened would set your progress back, but that's just me, I'm sure other people will feel differently. So in the end, you'll have to do what's right for you.
Distant78 Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 You know you need to tell her. You being drunk and "just kissing" doesn't cut it. You cheated on your own and you knew what you were doing. You don't go to a strip club to relieve stress because of problems you're having at home. Own up to it and tell your wife and let her decide if she wants to continue being with you or divorce you. You have no right to keep that information hidden from her.
Author sj021 Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 No this is a completely isolated incident, as I have never gone back to the place or talked to anyone there. None of my friends know about it as I am completely mortified about what happened. Also under no illusions about what went on my wallet was significantly lighter at the end of the night. I just can't shake the guilt as things are going so well.(this happened 7 months ago) Part of the time I feel like I should tell her but to be honest I know that would be more for me to stop feeling guilty than any desire to be honest with her. Not to be too melodramatic but at most times I feel that this guilt is an appropriate punishment for what I did and a daily reminder to never put myself in the situation again.
Distant78 Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 No this is a completely isolated incident, as I have never gone back to the place or talked to anyone there. None of my friends know about it as I am completely mortified about what happened. Also under no illusions about what went on my wallet was significantly lighter at the end of the night. I just can't shake the guilt as things are going so well.(this happened 7 months ago) Part of the time I feel like I should tell her but to be honest I know that would be more for me to stop feeling guilty than any desire to be honest with her. Not to be too melodramatic but at most times I feel that this guilt is an appropriate punishment for what I did and a daily reminder to never put myself in the situation again. The appropriate punishment would be for her to take the kids, divorce you and find someone else who loves her. Your feelings of guilt you're feeling now, are going to get bigger over time, and will show in your behavior. If you really care about her and your marriage, you would tell her the truth and not hide. You weren't scared when you were getting a lap dance, so don't be scared now. Do the right thing for once.
Spark1111 Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 No this is a completely isolated incident, as I have never gone back to the place or talked to anyone there. None of my friends know about it as I am completely mortified about what happened. Also under no illusions about what went on my wallet was significantly lighter at the end of the night. I just can't shake the guilt as things are going so well.(this happened 7 months ago) Part of the time I feel like I should tell her but to be honest I know that would be more for me to stop feeling guilty than any desire to be honest with her. Not to be too melodramatic but at most times I feel that this guilt is an appropriate punishment for what I did and a daily reminder to never put myself in the situation again. So why not tell her the truth? Tell her how happy you are now and how happy she seems too as you are both putting extra effort into the relationship. Tell her about your evening, what happened and what didn't happen. If it were her at a male club, and she felt she had crossed a line, wouldn't you want to know? Especially if keeping the secret could affect the intimacy in your relationship? Remember, there are no secrets to be kept in your most intimate relationship. Think on how to communicate this kindly and compassionately.
Dexter Morgan Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 We are happy again and back to our old ways with the marriage being everything it should be. Since this time I have been over come with guilt of what happened and I can't seem to be truly happy about our new situation. I don't feel like I can tell her as it will ruin our marriage as I'm sure she will leave me. Any advice???? first off, can you not be happy in the new situation because you deep down, would rather be messing around with someone new, as with the stripper? or because of the guilt? she deserves the truth, so here are your choices. 1) tell her and take your chances 2) don't tell her, keep her in the dark about what you can be like, suck it up and deal with the guilt or if you think you will be neglecting your wife because of whatever issue you have in yourself and you don't want to tell her, then it'll slide back down that slope again. but honestly, doesn't she deserve the truth? If you don't want to be truthful with her, what kind of marriage is that?
Linda9999 Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 You need to tell her. If you don't, the rest of your marriage will be based on a lie.
stuckinoz Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 If you're only telling her to ease your guilt I say - Don't Do It. You could be opening up a can of worms that you're not prepared to handle. You already know how she'll react. Most folks pretty much can read their spouses & what their reaction will be to certain things. Will your wife be pissed that you went to a strip club in the first place? If the answer is yes - then what the heck were you doing there in the first place let alone getting handsy with a dancer????? If this guilt is going to eat you up maybe spending a little money on a temporary counselor might be in order. Tell him or her what happened.
Dexter Morgan Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 You already know how she'll react. actually, that is more reason to tell her. because he will be keeping information from her and not giving her a choice on how to live her life. he'd be keeping it from her for his own selfish end. he would be robbing her of a choice. and the fact that he can't be happy in this new found situation with his wife, things will just slip back into a place where he'll be getting a hummer from a stripper next time.....or an OW.
wicar1 Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 Looking for advice as I am almost overcome with guilt about an incident 6 months ago.... You feel guilt...ok.... but Dont you think she has the right to know whtat you ve beein doing??? Put yourslef in her shoes.. Just tell her... Let her decide ...
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