A few questions (And a long story)

[NeNinja]

A week ago today my ex of two and a half years and I had a pretty amicable, mutual break up. We both played it pretty cool and after a 'Good luck with your finals'/'Thanks ' exchange Monday morning I went into NC. I also took the week off of work to get away/think/take my mind off things. She broke NC with an email Wednesday because she didn't hear from me Tuesday and when I didn't emal her back sent me a text that said 'Are you ok?' and went into a short panic from not hearing from me. I told her I was fine and we exchaged a few more texts before bed and agreed to talk/text the next day. (Whoops.)

 

During the trip I decided that maybe I wasn't ready to call it quits. I realized that a lot (all) of the things we had been fighting about were my fault. On my way home, I stopped by her apartment (not unannounced) and told her how I felt about her and that I was willing to accept the blame. She went into her own trust and abandoment issues (which I will also take partial responsibility for.) I detailed some of the changes I was planning to make and we didn't end up parting as amicably as we did on Sunday. I did not beg or plead. We didn't fight but she was very visibly upset. I figured this was the time to go back into NC. Three hours later I got an email asking me to let her have her space this weekend to think, decide if she could forgive me and move forward, etc. which I was planning on doing anyway. Twenty minutes after she sent the email she sent me another text asking if I was ok. When I didn't respond she called five minutes later. I told her I was sad and disappointed in myself but understood and would give her her space. The next morning she had sent me a text in the middle of the night. She had been online and checking into one of my propsed changes (going back to law school.) I answered her question and have been NC since.

 

Sorry for all the background. Here are my questions:

 

Why was she upset that I 'ran off to Boulder' when I saw her Thursday?

 

She ended the email 'I love you and will call you Monday.' If I have decided to maintain NC would should I do?

 

I want her back. I just don't want to rush these changes or set up our relationship as a 'barter' system where I am 'buying' her back? What's my best bet here?

 

And for all the ladies or anyone who else wants to venture a guess: What is going on in her head? Do I have a chance or is she just horrible at no contact? There have been six NC breaks in one week and I only responsible for one.

[Chi townD]

Wow, this is refreshing. A relationship that I don't actually have to tell people to write off. From what you written, it sounds like she does love you and wants to be with you. However, women want to be in a a long term relationship that may actually go somewhere.

 

If they casually date someone that has no goals in life but is just fun to be around, well, that's what it is. Just dating and they're okay with it, because it's not going anywhere. And the relationship will run it's course.

 

If they want to be completely committed to someone, then they want a person that is gonna try hard to insure their future together. That the person they're interested in would be able to contribute to the relationship, emotionally, physically and financially.

 

If you're gonna make changes, first and foremost, make them for yourself. No promises to her, but promises to yourself. If you're going back to Law School, it should be because YOU want to, not for her. Tell her that as well. You don't want her feeling like she pressured you into that decision.

Edited December 20, 2010 by Chi townD

[NeNinja]

Thanks for the advice.

 

While she stayed in the same place I was jumping around a lot. Over a year and a half we went from living together to living two hours apart to living an hour apart when I got transfered and then took a more advanced position with another company. She was definitely having issues with my (in)ability to commit to one place or position.

 

I think where we went wrong is that I forgot how to have fun. I forgot that its fun to have fun. (obviously, right?) I started working more and more and treated spending time with her like it was just another thing I had to do. Those were really the only two things I did. Ever. So she started leaning more heavily on her friends. I felt like I was losing her so I started picking fights. I went out this weekend caught a movie and a basketball game. Had a blast. Reconnected with some of my friends after a few weeks of being off in my own world.

 

I see completely where I was wrong. I see that she wasn't naging or bullyng me. The things she was worried about and wanted are things I want too, I was just being stubborn.

 

I want to make my life better for myself. My eyes are open. I realize I was in a terrible, depressing slump for awhile.

 

I think a better life, the best possible life wil have her in it. I'm not in a hurry but I want to show her I'm making moves...and that she was right.

 

Where do I go from here?

[Chi townD]

Okay, better understanding what's going on here.

 

You already identified the problem! So...what do you entend to do about it. It's nice to be successful. But, lonely is lonely. Your girl feels second best to your work. If you really care about this girl, you might want to think about staying put somewhere. Take the time to fill her emotional needs! Make her feel special. Let her feel that your job is just a job and if you could, you would rather be there with her.

 

Okay, you hung out with the guys and watched a Basketball game. Fun times that you're gonna remember. She wants those too, from you! Okay, work hard all week. But, come the weekend, take her away to a B&B. Just a nice weekend get away for the two of you. She's gonna remember the good times and when she thinks of you, she can't help but think fondly. Tell her the things that are important to her. Follow through with your promises and most of all, listen to her.

[NeNinja]

I thought along the same lines and spent the afternoon at work planning a little day-cation. It's a month away so that she doesn't have to rush in and out of the 'space' that she wants. I just need to convince her to go. Hopefully, 'I love you and I will call you Monday' means 'I love you and I will call you Monday.'

[NeNinja]

I guess that isn't what it means. I didn't sit around and wait last night. I tried to stay busy. No call. No text. No email.

 

Do I keep up my NC or is she feeling me out, seeing if I care enough to make a move?

[Chi townD]

I wouldn't read too much into it. She does have a life too. ANd it being so close to the holidays, she may have been busy. Give her time. So, start working on you.

[NeNinja]

I registered for classes today. I signed a new lease, which had become a bit of an issue between the two of us as well. I'm committing to something and I'm trying to put down roots.

 

I'm doing this for me. It just sucks that she was so, so right about everything and I was just to stubborn to go along with it.

 

My life is looking up, up, up. I feel great about it. I feel really good about where I'm at.

 

Just one thing missing

[NeNinja]

It's not looking good for that call/text/email tonight either. I'm strong enough to keep up NC but I'm wondering in this situation, where the problem was that I wasn't making a real effort in the first place, if NC is the best idea. ChiTown? Homebrew? Anyone?