I've Decided That I Hate Dating

[musemaj11]

Question - if I don't hear from him this afternoon should I just let this go? Or should I email him? Should some sort of explanation happen? Like, I had a great time, I'm fine with moving things more slowly, etc? My friends think it's possible he wants to take things more slow. Maybe it would be helpful to just say "Hey, just wanted to put it out there that things felt a little akward on Saturday. I was enjoying your company and I'm fine with taking things more slowly." What do you think? I just hate when there is no "end". Like seriously, I would MUCH rather a guy just say "hey, it was fun, just not going to work." Then I know for sure it's over. I was digging this guy a lot.

Similar thing happened to another woman on this forum.

 

Do like what she did.

 

Call him and ask to meet. Be assertive about it. Then ask him what is happening. If its because you guys moved too fast physically, tell him that you want to start over and this time the two of you are going to take it slow. If he refuses, then at least you will get a closure and know what the problem was.

 

If you look through a few pages back maybe you can still find the thread. Her name was Rosa something. In the end, she got what she wanted. The guy agreed to start over.

 

Honestly, I was NOT planning to have sex with him. That's not what the plan was - I seriously thought he would stay over.

 

And yes, I have a FWB arrangement. This was only my SECOND date with this guy. I'm not going to break off FWB after two dates with someone. If we started having sex (like if he things continue) I would not continue FWB at all. That is the agreement with the other person.

 

And guys do this all the time. They have a FWB until they meet someone and become exclusive or meet someone and start having sex with them.

 

So what if I'm going out on dates with men - and we are NOT exclusive, and we are NOT having sex. Why can't I have a FWB on the side? At some point the FWB would stop if I felt like the relationship was going anywhere but not after 2 dates. If we had a 3rd date - I may have stopped the FWB because I was startign to like this guy a lot.

I just feel that its unethical when people date and screw another person at the same time.

 

I wouldnt do that to a woman and I wouldnt want a woman who does that to me.

Edited December 20, 2010 by musemaj11

[Surrealist]

Honestly, I was NOT planning to have sex with him. That's not what the plan was - I seriously thought he would stay over.

 

And yes, I have a FWB arrangement. This was only my SECOND date with this guy. I'm not going to break off FWB after two dates with someone. If we started having sex (like if he things continue) I would not continue FWB at all. That is the agreement with the other person.

 

And guys do this all the time. They have a FWB until they meet someone and become exclusive or meet someone and start having sex with them.

 

So what if I'm going out on dates with men - and we are NOT exclusive, and we are NOT having sex. Why can't I have a FWB on the side? At some point the FWB would stop if I felt like the relationship was going anywhere but not after 2 dates. If we had a 3rd date - I may have stopped the FWB because I was startign to like this guy a lot.

 

So you would be okay if the guy you were dating was having an FWB on the side? Where you may decide that after the frist 3 dates you decide to end the FWB arrangement, the guy may be in a FWB who decides he won't end until after 10 dates.

 

Sorry to say this but I hope I never meet women like youself.

[anned80]

But I already emailed him - I thought the "ball was in his court" now? I don't feel like I should email him again, right? I know for sure that he really does have to get all this testing done. And I thought I made it clear in my email that I'm totally fine with taking things slow. He said he'll "keep me posted."

 

As far as FWB - this is a new thing. It has only happened once and it has not happened since I started dating this guy. The FWB thing is like once every 2 weeks - its not very regular. Like I said, if I had gone out on date 3 then I would not have accepted an invitation from FWB guy.

 

I mean, when you aren't exclusively dating someone most poeple are dating and going out with multiple people. After 2, 3, 4 dates even if you arent having sex I'm assuming most people are heavily making out and maybe doing more than that even if they are not exclusive and still dating other people, correct?

Edited December 20, 2010 by anned80

[musemaj11]

But I already emailed him - I thought the "ball was in his court" now? I don't feel like I should email him again, right?

Well, email is very impersonal.

 

Nothing solves a problem between two persons better than meeting face to face.

 

As far as FWB - this is a new thing. It has only happened once and it has not happened since I started dating this guy. The FWB thing is like once every 2 weeks - its not very regular. Like I said, if I had gone out on date 3 then I would not have accepted an invitation from FWB guy.

Ow okay, I thought its like you go on a date with some guy today then tomorrow or later in the day you go to the other guy's house and screw him.

[Str8noChaser]

So question for you OP, he didn't email you like he normally has. He is now very busy with work through the end of the year. How did you guys leave the next level of contact? Are you going to email/text him first? Will he contact you when things settle down?

 

I don't want to rain on the parade of well wishes, but just offering a different perspective, since you admitted you are new to the dating scene and I'm not. There is an episode on Seinfeld where Elaine asked Jerry something about the guy she was dating having to leave early (couldn't spend the night I think) and Jerry replied there is nothing in the world that is so important that early in the morning for a man to miss sex...of course I ruined the joke...lol...but my point is.

 

Think about it OP. Try to push your emotions aside and think about what has transpired rationally. All the "we" talk (which is really just talk) all the initial pursuit (am texts/communication etc). The "connection" you felt after 2 dates to get intimate with him.

 

Since the sex session on Saturday, is he the same "acting" type of guy? Has his behavior changed?

[anned80]

He was always busy with work through the end of the year - I knew that was starting this week.

 

In my opinion, we didnt even really had sex - he was inside me for like 1 minute and then said we should stop. I truy, legitimately think he is freaked out. He is "old-fashioned" and very sensitive. Things he has told me about his dating habits would correlate to this.

 

Perhaps I was slightly more aggressive physically and he was turned off. IS this what you are saying? Or are you saying just in general he is not interested and it has nothing to do with the sex stuff? If that is the case, then why did he let it get all the way there - he only acted weird after that happened.

 

He is the same acting type of guy - still a nice guy. He's not quite as affectionate but I think I turned him off by being too aggressive.

 

In the last email to me he said "I'll keep you posted. Slower is best." I'l assuming this means I should wait for him to contact me. I think he wants to move slowly with dating/physical stuff.

 

Although, I kind of am considering asking him if he wants to chat later on IM - that is how we normally talk. Neither one of us likes talking on the phone so I would not call him - I know everyone is going to think that's weird but we just don't like it. Is that bad to do? I just feel like the air needs to be cleared a little more and I'm wondering if it would hurt things to say "hey, I know you are busy and are giong to be studying but did you want to jump on IM around 9pm tonight and chat for a little bit?"

 

Basically it was confusing to me because he was so emotinoally available and he was also affectionate - it seriously felt like we were more like a "couple" and so I confused this with the physical stuff. I honestly never, EVER would have asked him back to my place to stay over if I had any inkling this would happen. Like I said, things were AWESOME at the party before we got to my house - seriously, he was even talking with a friend of mine about going out on a double date and what we would do next time we came to visit. This is not my imagination. It felt mutual.

 

Need opinions on sending him text and saying "Hey! Hope you had a nice day. I know you are really busy and will be studying but would you like to jump on IM around 9pm to chat for a few minutes?" I at least feel like there may be a little more closure this way.

Edited December 20, 2010 by anned80

[Gypsy_Soul]

I think you should just let him contact you. Focus on other stuff, get on with your life and dating. Also, are you sure he didn't ejaculate prematurely?

[anned80]

No he did not ejaculate prematurely.

 

I guess this is just now really bothering me. I feel like the air is not completely clear. I understand we have only been on two dates but they were AWESOME. And I just hate to think that the physical stuff early on ruined anything.

 

Does it hurt to ask about IM tonight? Or should I let it go. I have trouble letting it go because now I'm disappointed in myself.

 

Ugh - I'm just kicking myself right now. He seriously is really a gentleman - I'm not just "making this" up - I really do think he likes to take things slow and I'm just sick that I created this. We had a great connection.

[Madgick1]

... Often having sex early makes a man's penis happy but his heart is actually disappointed if it makes sense. So you want to help him grow emotional bond toward you first...

 

 

His heart is disappointed....? Is this something many men here agree with? Can anyone explain why?

[Gypsy_Soul]

No he did not ejaculate prematurely.

 

I guess this is just now really bothering me. I feel like the air is not completely clear. I understand we have only been on two dates but they were AWESOME. And I just hate to think that the physical stuff early on ruined anything.

 

Does it hurt to ask about IM tonight? Or should I let it go. I have trouble letting it go because now I'm disappointed in myself.

 

Ugh - I'm just kicking myself right now. He seriously is really a gentleman - I'm not just "making this" up - I really do think he likes to take things slow and I'm just sick that I created this. We had a great connection.

 

If he really is a gentleman, you will find out soon enough. Let him contact you, that's what he said, so you should respect that.

[musemaj11]

His heart is disappointed....? Is this something many men here agree with? Can anyone explain why?

At subconscious level, sex is the ultimate gesture of acceptance from a woman for men. So when a man has sex too quickly with a woman, subconsciously he feels that the woman accepts him into her most intimate space while emotionally he is not ready yet to be in it. So after the sex he suddenly feels trapped and it triggers flight response.

 

Its difficult to explain unless you experience being a guy.

 

I guess this is just now really bothering me. I feel like the air is not completely clear. I understand we have only been on two dates but they were AWESOME. And I just hate to think that the physical stuff early on ruined anything.

 

Does it hurt to ask about IM tonight? Or should I let it go. I have trouble letting it go because now I'm disappointed in myself.

If you cant find a way to meet him directly, its best to just wait. Texts and calls are going to make you sound desperate.

Edited December 20, 2010 by musemaj11

[Girlygirl1977]

I agree with sarah1977 and I also think you should reflect on your behavior and recent experiences. The last lawyer guy you also were baffles by his pullback after sex and your Awesome early dates. so you should consider putting so much into your awesome early dates with guys and take things more slowly. Do you not see a pattern to an extent? Also your long emails/msgs to these guys isn't a positive in early dating. You are overwhelming at an early stage.

 

With this guy, do no more. You generally do too much you should undercorrect.

[catgotyourtongue]

Spot on. Though I understand the predicament that catgotyourtongue is faced where the guy may not be promising a rosy future but is taking the lead and showing strong interest and there is nothing to suggest a fantasy but you still have to be careful. Nevertheless re-read GG's post, because its true.

 

And you know why guys like myself get annoyed at guys who do the playing like this? It's not merely because we are hung up on guys getting the women that we don't, may be a part of it for sure. BUT it is knowing that these guys are LYING to you and getting women that way, in ways, and I can speak for myself here, would find MORALLY WRONG. I am not comfortable in LYING to women. .

 

Just wanted to say, great post, nice to hear and refreshing.

 

SO sick of the games myself, womens games mess up mens head and mens games, mess w/women. We are all jaded, well a lot of us are, and trust is nearly impossible for me, because of the kinds of things OP is struggling with. If I had a dollar for every man that initially and early on told me how wonderful, different, I was, how he truly cared, I was special, I was the best kisser, this felt different....blaah blah, I would be a rich gal with gobs of dollars to toss around.

 

I always have both eyes wide open, and often have to stop them from going all gaga, honeymoon-ish or say hey "you barely know me, wait to learn me before you say big things". I tend to be a tough gal to date, so they learn fast, ha ha .... It happens so often I dont believe anyone at all. They are passionately, madly in like, then completely opposite ....hate the game. Surprised how many people will assume they are in heavy like with someone they dont know ....it's crazy talk, lol, fun to get swept away, but really? Let's be adults...at least after the age of 40.

peace out

[anned80]

Ok - here is what I cannot explain enough. I was following HIS lead. He was emailing a lot. He was texting a lot. He was chatting a lot. I did NO MORE than he did. I actually did less! Everything that happened UNTL him staying over was MUTUAL. I never contacted him first, I never wrote more than him, I never said more than him, I NEVER talked about the future. I thought I had learned from the last one.

 

He was talking about future, etc - I did not buy into this or answer any of these things. This was all him.

 

In terms of him staying over on the 2nd date, in hindsight this was a bad idea. HOWEVER, what I cannot express enough was that it seriously felt like we had been on like 10+ dates - we were talking multiple times a day, texting, emailing so it did not seem weird AT ALL to be doing this. I in NO WAY was suggesting sex and even said "no sex." I seriously thought we might fool around a bit and he would sleep over. Anyone else would be confused too when your date is talking to your friends about "going on a double date" and "when we come back". It made me feel okay about having him over - like it wasn't too soon. Does anyone not understand that?

 

Basically, I underestand that I everyone is saying that I move fast but in my opinion HE WAS THE ONE MOVING FAST.

 

As far as the lawyer, those dates WERE awesome but in a different way, that was different - he didn't talk about future, he didn't text me 10 times a day, we didn't email back in forth, we didn't IM. I basically felt llike I had a "date" every day with this new guys for two weeks because we talked so often. And also as the lawyer is concerned I believe he really just wanted to have sex and was never interested in a relationship, he is a serial dater - this guy has already said he is looking for a relationship and is not a serial dater.

 

But yes, I see a pattern, I see what you are saying IN GENERAL. But with this guy, I let HIM set the precedent and did no more. As I said, I regret asking him over now but I can't take it back - I was going along with what I thought he wanted or seemed to be talking about. I feel like this would be confusing to anyone - espeically if you are attracted to someone and see potential and you are feeling like they feel the same thing - "when we go out next time" "when you meet my friends", etc.

 

Anyway - we are talking on IM tonight at 9pm. And yes, this was my idea. I'm sure I'll get flamed for asking him but I want to clear the air. I basically just want to say that I had a good time and I'm sorry if I did not display that I'm a lady and that I was misreading what he was saying and then say that maybe we can start over and go on date #1 again.

 

I feel like there is potential with this guy (well, as much potential as you can feel after 2 dates) and it really, really sucks that this happened. If it's over then that's fine. Even though obviously it is not displayed well in this forum, I don't put myself out there a lot - on the dating site I'm on I probably get 20 emails a day and answer maybe 1-2 of them. I'm a picky person. Out of the dates I go on maybe 1/10 or 2/10 get a 2nd date - I'm not just going out with anyone. And so yes, I do get excited when someone seems to be showng the same or MORE enthusiasm as me towards it. I got caught up in it - I'm human. I'm doing the best I can.

 

What does everyone think about what I should say when we talk? I am only now reading what everyone wrote so I can't take it back and just not get on IM - I guess I could just not mention any of it and just talk in general, like "how are you?" etc and then after this just not contact him until he contacts me? I basically just said "I know you are busy and I have dinner plans but would you want to take a break and chat on IM around 9pm?" My initial plan was to bring all of this up but instead of doing that I could just completely act like everything is "fine" and just normally and then from there just let it go.

 

Surely, I am not the only person on the planet that has messed up something dating, right? Haha - sometimes I feel like when I'm on here getting advice I wonder if I'm the only one in my 30s making mistakes. I really do the best I can. This is basically why my post is titled "I hate dating". I think its confusing and hard and I know it shouldn't be but IT IS!

Edited December 21, 2010 by anned80

[Girlygirl1977]

A guy can do all those things but 2 dates is nothing. Listen to surrealist! If he changes his behavior too ESP with such a short mat of time observed, somethings up and it's the Case with both guys. This often happens after sex (putting it in is sex btw)! My guess is this uls the ante and a man realizes or thinks abt whether he sees things as long term from there. Just bc you are picky doesn't negate it nor mean they will def want more nor that each Case will work out. Your pickiness is in the selection of date 2 but seems stunted after that.

[catgotyourtongue]

Anyway - we are talking on IM tonight at 9pm. And yes, this was my idea. I'm sure I'll get flamed for asking him but I want to clear the air. I basically just want to say that I had a good time and I'm sorry if I did not display that I'm a lady and that I was misreading what he was saying and then say that maybe we can start over and go on date #1 again.

 

What does everyone think about what I should say when we talk?

 

Yes girl I think you will get flamed. While I TOTALLY get what you are saying, been in almost exact same thing recently, with HIM being just like your guy, talking abt future dates, blah blah I think this is going to scare him off and backfire. I learned over the last year just because YOU have a need to clear to air, speak your mind, prove to him who you are and are not, it is your need, and not his. It is too soon to have those deep talks even if he started it all, you need to put the stop on some of it, and not seem desperate and needy. It's ok to explain yourself but pushing him to hear all u have to say so soon is a lot to take in.

 

Women love to be heard, need to explain, settle right away, make it right or just speak their mind. i tend to want that too, but have learned it more often than not backfires. You are pushing your needs and communication style on him. i know u mean well and just want to show u care and that u really like him, but overdoing it, rushing it, explaining every thought in your head and pushing him to talk this soon is maybe worth reconsidering. If he likes u and wants to see u and make time for you, he will do that. Let him come to you. You dont need to chat with him tonight, u can say lets touch base this week and see if he calls you. I would advise you to try and hold your thoughts to a degree, expression is awesome but trying to force him to hear you out may backfire. U sound like a great person who cares and i feel your conflict, i would probably have urges to do the same thing u are doing and have, but more often than not, it is not the right thing. Even if it is ok this time, self control and resisting urges sometimes are so so important. Men dont need immediate conversation and generall hate conversations abt relationships...so go easy and just chill if u can.

 

If he wants u, he will find you and ask...

best of luck

[anned80]

Everyone is probably right but my plan is basically to try and "turn back the clock".

 

I legitimately feel he was freaked out by things getting physical so soon and/or him thinking that things getting physical so soon meant that something else was going on (more serious).

 

So we talked on IM - it went well. I did NOT mention ANYTHING about the incidents that took plaace this weekend - we just did normal talking. He was engaged and engaging, which I think is a good sign.

 

I ended the convo first (on purprose) and he said "I'll be on for a while" - meaning that if we still wanted to talk.

 

Basically, I'm liking this guy and would just like to continue to get to know him and I'm hoping that by having friendly convo again - that we may be able to "start over". I felt like that convo needed to happen - even though we didnt talk about this weekend I think we needed to reestablish there was SOME SORT of connection worth persuing.

 

So, we will see. I feel like if he was completely disinterested he wouldnt have asked me about my day, asked me specific things, etc. I think there is still SOME interest on some level.

[musemaj11]

Why wont you talk about what happened?

 

Personally I cant stand mystery in my life and if I were you I would not be able to sleep until I found the answer.

[Star Gazer]

He wrote back and said "I agree and thanks for sharing that with me. I get a bit freaked out when things move quickly like that."

 

So - I think he was legitimately freaked out.

 

I soooo called this!!

 

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

 

Men love sex. They think about it a lot. They want to have sex with you. They want you to want to have sex with them. But if they like-you like-you, they don't want you to give it up easily. One part of them wants it (the part that's so turned on by you), and the other part, the part you care about (their head and heart), secretly doesn't want you to give it up easily...not on the second date, anyway.

 

He had buyers' remorse just a lil' sooner than most.

 

Not sure this can be salvaged. But if not, take it as a lesson.

[anned80]

@musemaj11 - we did talk about what happened in an email earlier today. I basically said that I thought things seemed weird and I was totally fine with taking things much, much slower physically. He said he was freaked out with things moving so quickly. Since we had already talked about this earlier I thought it was a bad idea to continue talking about it -- I kind of just wanted to talk about "normal" things to try and rekindle what was there before the incident.

 

Yeah, I have no idea if it can be saved or if it is too late. I felt at least the talk may have helped a little bit because it was "neutral" and like I said, on a positive note, he was engaged and engaging during conversation so I'm not sure that ALL is lost. I feel like if he was completely disinterested he wouldnt have even gotten on or would have given one work answers instead of asking questions and responding appropriately. We will see.

 

But yes, I get it, it will be a lesson. Trust me.

[lois_80]

Yep, dating sucks big time.

[musemaj11]

@musemaj11 - we did talk about what happened in an email earlier today. I basically said that I thought things seemed weird and I was totally fine with taking things much, much slower physically. He said he was freaked out with things moving so quickly. Since we had already talked about this earlier I thought it was a bad idea to continue talking about it -- I kind of just wanted to talk about "normal" things to try and rekindle what was there before the incident.

Ow so you already talked about it. I guess I missed that part.

 

Now you guys are starting over a new leaf. You should consider what happened as if it never happened.

[anned80]

@musemaj11 - that is what I'm ATTEMPTING to do. I'm hoping we can kind of move foward and I'm hoping that convo did something but I can't really be sure at this point.

 

I'm hoping he will email me tomorrow like he normally does but if he doesn't I'm going to not contact him. I have already told him how I feel and I intitiated the IM conversation to try and make things light. He seemed engaged but I guess it could have just been nothing.

 

We shall see.

[TaurusTerp]

Just as a counter, not all men are going to be like that. Most grow up and don't have some silly madonna complex. I dont really care if a woman has sex on the first date and it doesnt make her any less relationship material in my eyes. Nor do many of my male friends.

 

Perhaps you should look for different men.

[musemaj11]

Just as a counter, not all men are going to be like that. Most grow up and don't have some silly madonna complex. I dont really care if a woman has sex on the first date and it doesnt make her any less relationship material in my eyes. Nor do many of my male friends.

 

Perhaps you should look for different men.

Women, dont listen to this guy.

 

Having sex early DOESNT kill the chance of a relationship. But it does reduce the chance greatly.

 

It has nothing to do with maturity. It has to do with men's socially conditioned subconsciousness.

 

If you want a serious relationship with a guy, give it at least a month for the hearts to get to know each other first before you let pee pee and wee wee get their turn to get to know each other.

 

After 1-3 months, it makes no difference whether you want to make a guy wait any longer or not because by that time he has already decided whether he feels you are compatible with him or not. If by that time he has decided that he only wants sex, then he will still leave even if you make him wait for six months or a year.