I've Decided That I Hate Dating

[Str8noChaser]

Nay, I'm convinced there's something going on in his head that made him uncomfortable. And I bet that something is the fact that she was willing to have sex with him on the SECOND DATE. It didn't feel right to him.

 

That is way, way, way too soon in my book.

 

Most men aren't reading the same book you are and for most men there is no such thing as sex way to soon to make us go limp (which she didn't say that he did, just that he stopped).

 

Combine with the fact that he didn't initiate the next morning, wasn't affectionate, didn't make concrete plans to meet up with her later in the week and seemed to have been giving her short answers, it doesn't look good for the OP.

[Star Gazer]

Most men aren't reading the same book you are and for most men there is no such thing as sex way to soon to make us go limp (which she didn't say that he did, just that he stopped).

 

I didn't say "too soon" was what made him go limp, but it would certainly explain his withdrawal after the fact.

[Gypsy_Soul]

I just don't understand why you would have sex with your dates so soon or even start dating so soon after your divorce?

 

I don't know, but all of this just sounds avoidable.

[musemaj11]

I just don't understand why you would have sex with your dates so soon or even start dating so soon after your divorce?

 

I don't know, but all of this just sounds avoidable.

Are you saying divorced people cant be horny?

[Gypsy_Soul]

Are you saying divorced people cant be horny?

 

Heck I'm horny too, but I practice self control and dicipline.

[lovefiction]

This is one thing that really bugs me about dating too. Sometimes, I'll start talking to a guy online, we proceed to the text messages (the inevitable evil) and he will start texting good morning, good night and all the cute stuff in between before we even met. Most of the time I find it annoying. Once we meet and IF I like him then I start to find it all cute.

So it goes like this for a week or two and then all of a sudden the texting pattern changes to veryy random. Seriously, what's up with this extremes? It's like all or nothing...

 

 

I would like to understand the texting/calling ettiquette of guys too... Why create the expectation of regular communication in the beginning and then drop it?

[Surrealist]

What is up with extremes?

 

Ladies, with all due respect, you really need to ask yourselves first and foremost, what is up with yourselves?

 

WHY do youse believe the bloody crap that comes out of these guys' mouths / texts / emails?

 

It is just foolishness to believe that anyone can fall in love with someone at the beginning interactions. Sorry for the crudeness but the guy sees your hot body, or your big tits, or your best photos online and thinks "YUMMY!! I think I"m in lurve. :love: " The guy proceeds to tell you "lovelydemon you are the most beautiful girl I have ever met and I am looking for an LTR and I want to marry you and have children together and we'll live happily ever after at my ranch blah blah blah". You girls get swept up in all the hype. You meet said guy, who not only deceives you (he can't help it because he deceives himself) and then finds you not really all that, sees the next hot chick on the net, and backs away from you and goes on to tell the next hot thang his BS.

 

That is the problem. Stop believing this rubbish. Don't let a guy put you on a pedestal without him first getting to know you, and CERTAINLY if he hasn't met you in person!

[MrNate]

That's one thing that annoys me. Believe it or not, sometimes a guy just isn't physically attracted to a woman, and he will go limp as a result. This doesn't mean something is wrong with him.

 

Regardless of how amazing you may be in bed, it happens. What works for one guy won't work for all.

 

He may just not be into you.

[musemaj11]

Heck I'm horny too, but I practice self control and dicipline.

What if you were stuck in a 10 year long sexless marriage? Wouldnt you wanna just pin down and devour every single even barely good looking guy who enters your line of vision as soon as you are set free?

 

Im just saying we dont know how every divorced persons marriage was.

Edited December 20, 2010 by musemaj11

[xpaperxcutx]

What if you were stuck in a 10 year long sexless marriage? Wouldnt you wanna just pin down and devour every single even barely good looking guy who enters your line of vision as soon as you are set free?

 

Im just saying we dont know how every divorced persons marriage was.

 

Still at the OPs age you would take she'd be more responsible in terms of protection? It's not up to the guy to bring up the protection question ( ie. are you on the pill?) it's up to BOTH her and him to have sex safely. Really, no comdom ? Even on birth control, have they even discussed STDs and STD checkups?

 

Her need to have sex so uncautiously practically screams " loose woman" to him. Only loose men would go rubber free and even at that they'll still run after having sex. Whatever his reasons for going cold, the OPs actions certainly had something to do with it.

[Chicago_Guy]

Is it possible that this guy has an STD and didn't tell you ahead of time and then worried that he might give it to you?

 

Also, a guy be attracted to you but could still go limp if he feels like you are putting a lot of pressure on him to perform, but that doesn't seem to explain what happened here, based on the details you provided.

[oaks]

You know upon rereading your OP seriously maybe he just freaked because he didnt have a condom and didnt wanna risk getting you pregnant because he knew that freeballin he was only gonna last like a minute....

 

This.

 

I read that you're using some other birth control, but it sounds like he didn't know this and you didn't mention it, plus condoms reduce some other risks as well. Consider getting some? Have fun, but be safe.

[Str8noChaser]

I didn't say "too soon" was what made him go limp, but it would certainly explain his withdrawal after the fact.

 

SG...i reread what you wrote over and over before I went to bed and I'm still like, what? lol

 

So explain to me one more time your thinking on how this dude, withdrawing, and how he may have felt it was too soon. I'm missing something.

[catgotyourtongue]

@musemaj11

And yes, I know how I am and what I want in a mate. I am looking for a relationship but I also really enjoy sex. I'm human.

 

The part that is hard is all the bull**** - it's confusing to me. How does a person go from being so into someone and then five hours later say "Sure, we can hang out, can't say when." THAT is where my problem comes. I could be reading into it but if you're just not intersted all you have to say is "Hey, had a great time but this isn't going to work out" and I would be FINE. I don't like reading between lines or vagueness and I've found in dating it is that way a lot - I don't operate this way.

 

HI i feel your frustration and can just say ditto ditto ditto. Reading between lines, passive agressive, finding someone to be consistent, etc. BLAH dating, lol. Sorry i am in a blah dating mood and just had this conversation 10 mins ago with a friend....its so hard......dating

[catgotyourtongue]

What is up with extremes?

 

That is the problem. Stop believing this rubbish. Don't let a guy put you on a pedestal without him first getting to know you, and CERTAINLY if he hasn't met you in person!

 

Hi

made some good points. BUT in defense of woman, and I know women do this to men also, here is my though. When a new date, man, texts me every morning things like "hey sweetness, hey baby" and initiates things, talks about future dates on the first date and HE is the agressor -seemingly the one to WANT a relationship, it seems shocking when all of a sudden he feels pressure and flakes out. I have had this happen many times. I am rarely the agressor, I am highly independent with a life full of friends, and not looking to tie down a man and get married, but I will follow his lead early on and adjust, meaning if he says he wants more dates, cant stop thinking abt me, that was the best kiss, lay whatever-a rational person might thing he is interested. But all of a sudden it goes way south and he feels trapped when u ask him what he is doing next weekend and if he wants to get together, its RIDONKULOUS. lol

 

I am happy to save time for a good man, and make time, but it is hard to read between the lines when they come off all crazy in love at first..and then boom, freak out. women do it too......its silly to say all these things in texts, email, person and then act a totally diff way. JUST be real....and say what u think, games suck ass...lol

 

I am not blaming men, its the dynamics and power struggle and emotions of dating, hard, women can be just the same way

[anned80]

@catgotyourtongue - Everyone, this is what I'm talking about. I felt like HE was the one that was moving quickly and taking things to the next level so fast. Otherwise, I would have NEVER asked him to stay over. It felt like it was really, really mutual.

 

And, I do have self-control but like I said, he was the one taking off my clothes, etc. I didn't have a problem with this and wasn't worried that this scenario was going to happen based on HOW INTO ME he had been!

 

Totally agree with everyone on protection - it was not my smartest moment in life. I didn't say it was okay but I can't take it back. Although, in the heat of the moment I did say something like "have you been tested?" and he said "yes" and I was just tested like two weeks ago.

 

Trust me, he wasn't anywhere near limp. At all. He seemed somewhat into it but wanted to stop. I just don't get it. He was SOOOO into me, he is talking about "future" (which I get is weird so early) but he is making me feel comfortable like this is going somewhere. I let my guard down and then he gets all weird. WTF?!?!? Hence, why I hate dating. Complete bull****.

 

It is 9am, he has not emailed yet, but it's a little ealier. He has always sent an email sometime in the morning to say hi.

 

Question - if I don't hear from him this afternoon should I just let this go? Or should I email him? Should some sort of explanation happen? Like, I had a great time, I'm fine with moving things more slowly, etc? My friends think it's possible he wants to take things more slow. Maybe it would be helpful to just say "Hey, just wanted to put it out there that things felt a little akward on Saturday. I was enjoying your company and I'm fine with taking things more slowly." What do you think? I just hate when there is no "end". Like seriously, I would MUCH rather a guy just say "hey, it was fun, just not going to work." Then I know for sure it's over. I was digging this guy a lot.

Edited December 20, 2010 by anned80

[catgotyourtongue]

@catgotyourtongue - Everyone, this is what I'm talking about. I felt like HE was the one that was moving quickly and taking things to the next level so fast. Otherwise, I would I let my guard down and then he gets all weird. WTF?!?!? Hence, why I hate dating. Complete bull****.

Question - if I don't hear from him this afternoon should I just let this go? Or should I email him? Should some sort of explanation happen?

 

Hey I completely feel you, exact same thing happened to me, on like 2nd date the guy was talking abt xmas plans and free time he wanted to spend with me, and do you want to come to the gym with me stuff. I am used to the once a week dating relationships, cause i am so independent, etc, lots of friends. BUT I followed his lead like you did with yours, because THEY seem to be really interested and wanted more, not us. OMG i so feel your pain. My advice would be DoNT call him or text, don't put yourself in that position to feel needy and check in, let him be the one to do it, just let it go and see what he does. My guy (x guy as of Saturday) was very similar...it sends a lot of mixed messages....and confusion. I dont get men at all, this has happened a lot to me, and I am not girlfriend type, clingy nor looking to tie these men down, they usually ask for more, then all of a sudden get freaked or disapear, lol. whatever

 

(hugs and good luck)

[anned80]

@catgotyourtongue - your situation seems extremely similar to mine. I am also very independent and not clingy at all. But it was kind of nice for his to be so into me.

 

So update...

 

I decided to send an email because I just like to be honest. I basically said:

 

"Hi (name),

 

Hope you are having a great day.

 

I had a really nice time with you this weekend. It was thoughtful of you to come all the way into (city) with me. My friends really enjoyed meeting you and had a great time.

 

I must confess that I felt things were slightly awkward on Sunday morning. I'm truly enjoying getting to know you and I'm completely and totally okay with slowing things down physically. As I think I said, I don't normally invite people over to my house after a second date and sleep naked with them in my bed -- that wasn't just a line, it is true. I completely consider myself a lady but felt like things were mutual and so, I felt comfortable with how things were moving along; but the next morning it just seemed a little weird. I thought we had pretty good momentum going... perhaps a sleepover was a little too soon so I apologize if that made you uncomfortable as that certainly was not my intention AT ALL."

 

He wrote back and said "I agree and thanks for sharing that with me. I get a bit freaked out when things move quickly like that." And then he talked about all these tests he has to take for work by the end of the year (which I already knew about) and said to "give him some time to get his crap together at work"

 

I basically wrote back and said that was fine and said I had enjoyed getting to know him and would hate to think that one evening would ruin that.

 

He wrote back and wrote more about the exams and all the things he had to do with them and said "slow is best".

 

So - I think he was legitimately freaked out. Although, he was the one taking off my clothes too so it seemed pretty mutual. I guess we'll see what happens. I was enjoying getting to know him so I hope this can recover.

[xpaperxcutx]

Sounds likethe ball is in his court now. Are you dating other men right now? Do that and let him call you. He hasn't exactly suggested making future plans with you which can mean he's probably looking to disappear. I would not compound him with too many calls and contacts. If he doesn't get back to you, at least you're dating other men to be too busy to worry about him.

[Gypsy_Soul]

@catgotyourtongue - Everyone, this is what I'm talking about. I felt like HE was the one that was moving quickly and taking things to the next level so fast. Otherwise, I would have NEVER asked him to stay over. It felt like it was really, really mutual.

 

And, I do have self-control but like I said, he was the one taking off my clothes, etc. I didn't have a problem with this and wasn't worried that this scenario was going to happen based on HOW INTO ME he had been!

 

Totally agree with everyone on protection - it was not my smartest moment in life. I didn't say it was okay but I can't take it back. Although, in the heat of the moment I did say something like "have you been tested?" and he said "yes" and I was just tested like two weeks ago.

 

Trust me, he wasn't anywhere near limp. At all. He seemed somewhat into it but wanted to stop. I just don't get it. He was SOOOO into me, he is talking about "future" (which I get is weird so early) but he is making me feel comfortable like this is going somewhere. I let my guard down and then he gets all weird. WTF?!?!? Hence, why I hate dating. Complete bull****.

 

It is 9am, he has not emailed yet, but it's a little ealier. He has always sent an email sometime in the morning to say hi.

 

Question - if I don't hear from him this afternoon should I just let this go? Or should I email him? Should some sort of explanation happen? Like, I had a great time, I'm fine with moving things more slowly, etc? My friends think it's possible he wants to take things more slow. Maybe it would be helpful to just say "Hey, just wanted to put it out there that things felt a little akward on Saturday. I was enjoying your company and I'm fine with taking things more slowly." What do you think? I just hate when there is no "end". Like seriously, I would MUCH rather a guy just say "hey, it was fun, just not going to work." Then I know for sure it's over. I was digging this guy a lot.

 

This is what guys do! They are into you because they want to get a piece. Guys will do and say anything to get some. Even start the "we" and "us" talk. I say keep dating, but slow down. I take it you're seeking a relationship by the way you decide whether or not you'll sleep with someone.

 

Let the guy show you there really is a "we" and "us" in the future by giving him time. If he's only out for a piece of ass, time will tell. Don't let these guys keep using you. This isn't the lawyer guy is it?

[anned80]

Agree that ball is in his court.

 

Like I've said a bunch of times - I've recently started dating again so I know I'm doing a lot of things "wrong." But, I'm learning. I actually think I use sex as a way to feel in control - I know that's wrong but I'm just being honest which is why that probably happened.

 

I honestly, truly don't think this guy was just trying to get in my pants. I actually think he is looking for a relationship and did get freaked out. Because, he WAS in my pant and wanted to stop so that wouldnt make sense.

 

No, this is not the lawyer. Although, now I have a FWB arrangement with the lawyer that is really awesome.

 

I am actually looking for a relationship but I was in a sexless marriage - I was married for 3 years and probably only had sex 15 times - not by my choice. So, I'm pretty horny - I'm hoping the FWB arrangement will help so when I'm dating I can focus on getting to know the person.

 

I really like this site and getting more info/advice from people. I get that I overanalyze and currently take things too seriously. I'm hoping the more I date that the easier things will become with that kind of stuff.

[Surrealist]

This is what guys do! They are into you because they want to get a piece. Guys will do and say anything to get some. Even start the "we" and "us" talk. I say keep dating, but slow down. I take it you're seeking a relationship by the way you decide whether or not you'll sleep with someone.

 

Let the guy show you there really is a "we" and "us" in the future by giving him time. If he's only out for a piece of ass, time will tell. Don't let these guys keep using you. This isn't the lawyer guy is it?

 

Spot on. Though I understand the predicament that catgotyourtongue is faced where the guy may not be promising a rosy future but is taking the lead and showing strong interest and there is nothing to suggest a fantasy but you still have to be careful. Nevertheless re-read GG's post, because its true.

 

And you know why guys like myself get annoyed at guys who do the playing like this? It's not merely because we are hung up on guys getting the women that we don't, may be a part of it for sure. BUT it is knowing that these guys are LYING to you and getting women that way, in ways, and I can speak for myself here, would find MORALLY WRONG. I am not comfortable in LYING to women.

 

Now sure some of these guys would argue black and blue that they are not in any way intentionally deceiving prospective women, but that is because they don't have a level head when it comes to seeing attractive women or where their high libido clouds their rational judgement. So they see the beauty, imagine the sex, and create fantasies in their minds of which they relay to those women, who in turn, fall for the fantasy and the outcomes often lead more to pain and disillusionment. The guy gets a 'reality check' when he meets the 'goddess' (albeit only in his own mind) and then moves on to the next fantasy, and so on.

 

One major reason why I would rather pass on a women given to these kinds of guys, at least for LTR purposes, is because once the reality of a relationship settles in, these kind of women may be more susceptible to another guy who who comes along with a similar unrealistic, though enticing, proposal and the women would run to it. I agree that the level-headed guys who don't present such fantasies at the outset are more 'boring' than the assertive guy who does, but that is not to say the former guys are not attracted to you, they may just prefer to keep things on a more prudent, grounded realistic level.

Edited December 20, 2010 by Surrealist

[musemaj11]

No, this is not the lawyer. Although, now I have a FWB arrangement with the lawyer that is really awesome.

 

I am actually looking for a relationship but I was in a sexless marriage - I was married for 3 years and probably only had sex 15 times - not by my choice. So, I'm pretty horny - I'm hoping the FWB arrangement will help so when I'm dating I can focus on getting to know the person.

I dont know but this sounds kind of unethical at least to me.

 

How would you feel if the guy you are dating is having sex with someone else on the side? Would you be okay with that?

[anned80]

But I honestly don't think this guy was in it for just a piece! I really don't think he was. I think I probably screwed it up because I wanted more of a piece than he did!

 

It was just confusing because I think he actually really liked me and talked "future" and all that stuff so it lead me to believe things would be on the same level sexually but I just dont think he was ready - which was confusing to me!

[anned80]

Honestly, I was NOT planning to have sex with him. That's not what the plan was - I seriously thought he would stay over.

 

And yes, I have a FWB arrangement. This was only my SECOND date with this guy. I'm not going to break off FWB after two dates with someone. If we started having sex (like if he things continue) I would not continue FWB at all. That is the agreement with the other person.

 

And guys do this all the time. They have a FWB until they meet someone and become exclusive or meet someone and start having sex with them.

 

So what if I'm going out on dates with men - and we are NOT exclusive, and we are NOT having sex. Why can't I have a FWB on the side? At some point the FWB would stop if I felt like the relationship was going anywhere but not after 2 dates. If we had a 3rd date - I may have stopped the FWB because I was startign to like this guy a lot.

Edited December 20, 2010 by anned80