I've Decided That I Hate Dating

[anned80]

I'm 30 years old. I was in a relationship for 10 years (married for 3 of those years). I am divorced now.

 

I hate dating. I seriously am unable to understand how there are people that do this for years.

 

I get too emotionally attached too quickly. Of course, there are dates that are just horrible and those I don't have a problem with but then the dates that go well are when the problem occurs.

 

I'm pretty sure I ****ed up this last opportunity - but then again, what's new? Do I ever learn? No.

 

For instance, online dating - met a guy. Talked through email/text/IM for several days before so we developed a little connection. Met on Tuesday for date. It was the best 1st date I've ever been on - the date lasted for 7 hours. One hour in he was talking about a double date with friends, two hours in we were talking about the next date and all the things we can do, three hours in there was a kiss. It was awesome.

 

He continues to email/text regularlly throughout each day to say "hi," etc. It was really wonderful.

 

Second date, was supposed to be on Sunday (today). However, he wanted to hang out on Saturday but I already had plans so I offered for him to come along. It was a very small party with close friends - kind of odd for 2nd date but he accepted and everyone got along famously. Everyone loved him and said he was totally into me. He stayed over at my place - I normally would not do this BUT I can't really describe it - it felt like we had been on more like 15 dates then just 2 dates so it didn't feel odd.

 

We fooled around a bit - making out and other things... and we got very close to having sex. Actually, we kind of did - he was inside me for a little bit - it was wrong on so many levels becuase it was unprotected but I'll just admit, I totally would have done it. I know, I know - I shouldn't but I would have. If felt right and I just would have let it happen. BUT, he said "I think we should stop." and then we went to bed. For whatever reason (I know this is going to sound weird) - I felt rejected - what guy refuses sex? But, I thought, okay, he just wants to take things slow.

 

Next day, we wake up together, still naked and I figure there is at least going to be some kissing or making out or just fooling around even if we're not going to have sex. You know, since we are naked and everything. Nope. Nothing. Like nothing. It was awkward.

 

We get dressed and I drive him back to his place - we are chatting but I'm feeling weird - I can't get a handle on if it's in my head or if things were actually awkward. When I drop him off he kisses me, said he had a good time and we would talk soon.

 

I text when I get home to tell him I had a good time he says "me too." I ask if he would like to get together later in the week (I normally would not do this but he has said he is very into equality in relationships). His response is "Sure, can't say when." This is concerning to me. I just responded with "ok."

 

This is a guy that texts me before bed to tell me he is thinking about me, etc. It just seems weird.

 

I just feel like I do this **** all the time -- I feel like maybe I ruined things by moving too quickly sexually. OR I'm completely just now being paranoid (also very normal for me) and reading too much into what he said.

 

I've just decided I don't like dating at all. I'm unable to do it and just go with the flow once I start to like someone.

Edited December 19, 2010 by anned80

[musemaj11]

Learn self control.

 

If even the guy could wait, why couldnt you?

 

Do what the guys do. Masturbate before going on a date or something.

[Jynxx]

If it makes you feel any better:

it's not you, it's him. A guy refusing sex has issues. Period. By not having sex you would've probably had a couple more good dates but his issues would've gotten the better of him sooner or later. Consider yourself lucky for the time you saved, and move on.

[runner]

wow this guy sounds like a real tool for teasing you like that. if i wasn't ready, i'd say so before the clothes come off- not after i've gone inside of you

 

next.

[Str8noChaser]

I've just decided I don't like dating at all. I'm unable to do it and just go with the flow once I start to like someone.

 

OP, you are taking dating wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy to serious. Take a break. Get some hobbies. Go out with your girlfriends & platonic male friends. Find a few hobbies to throw yourself into. Volunteer etc. Develop your personality a bit more, then when you do date...date at least 3 men at once. DATE, not sleep with. Go out. Flirt. Take no one seriously. Move on etc.

 

After being married for your entire 20's, do you know who you are or what you want in a mate? Are you looking for another marriage? Have you taken time to figure out what makes you tick and how a man can fit into your life?

 

Until you do that inner work, you will keep sabotaging yourself and getting frustrated dating.

[anned80]

@musemaj11 - I totally could have waited. I was not FORCING him to have sex. I was on top of him and it just kind of happened and after about a minute he said, "I think we should stop." And so I got off. I was fine with not having sex but it just kind of went there. And then I felt completely rejected!

 

@Str8noChaser - I actually do have a very full social life -- for instance, I did something every day this week except for the ONE day I had a date. I do dinners with friends, movies with friends, volunteering. But, this is a dating advice site, so that's what I'm talking about. I typically will go on a first date with several people - inevitably most of them I'm not interested in but usually there is one that I am. I don't like serial dating - normally after I start liking someone I just want to see where it goes with that person. I don't think we are exclusive or I don't take down my online profile but I just hold off on giong on other dates until I see where things go. This was mutual - trust me. He was the one that was talking about 2nd dates and "girlfriend" and all this crap on the first date. He was the one calling me "baby" on the 2nd date when we were out with friends. I know for sure he does not serial date because when he contacted me, I was dating someone and did not answer his email. When that was over, I emailed him back and he said "I'm casually dating someone right now and I don't serial date. Can I have a rain check?" So, when that ended with her, he contacted me.

 

And yes, I know how I am and what I want in a mate. I am looking for a relationship but I also really enjoy sex. I'm human.

 

The part that is hard is all the bull**** - it's confusing to me. How does a person go from being so into someone and then five hours later say "Sure, we can hang out, can't say when." THAT is where my problem comes. I could be reading into it but if you're just not intersted all you have to say is "Hey, had a great time but this isn't going to work out" and I would be FINE. I don't like reading between lines or vagueness and I've found in dating it is that way a lot - I don't operate this way.

[musemaj11]

@musemaj11 - I totally could have waited. I was not FORCING him to have sex. I was on top of him and it just kind of happened and after about a minute he said, "I think we should stop." And so I got off. I was fine with not having sex but it just kind of went there. And then I felt completely rejected!

Yeah but I think you said that you tend to move too fast sexually.

 

It is true that some great couples arose despite early sex.

 

But most of the times, men need time to develop emotional connection. You see, for men, the penis and the heart are two separate entities. They are often not in tune. Often having sex early makes a man's penis happy but his heart is actually disappointed if it makes sense. So you want to help him grow emotional bond toward you first.

 

Give it one or two months at least. It sounds like you are the horny kind. It may be hard but you have to make a choice.

[Str8noChaser]

Fair enough OP.

 

Perhaps he didn't enjoy the sex with you? It happens.

 

Let's say the situation was reversed and you started having sex with a guy who didn't know what he was doing (not saying thats the case with you just giving you a situation) and you decide to stop. He asks what's wrong and since no one really knows how to say "Your sex is horrible", you make an excuse and just avoid any physical contact with him the next day.

 

That's a possibility.

 

As for him appearing to being into you, keep in mind a man will pretty much say or do anything to make a woman comfortable. Not saying he was gaming you, but try to have a bit more skepticism.

 

Let me ask you this, how long were you two in contact before you first met him? Did you two have the STD talk? or the what would happen if you got pregnant talk?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

That was in no way "a guy refusing sex".

 

 

This guy was ACROSS the goal line - that's sex!!!

 

 

I know those 7-hour first dates, and in your prose I sense what is mostly someone reciting generally decent or 'good' vibes and signals, who is so wanting to analyze the data she has, that she concerned herself with the smallest thing (the text: "sure - can't say when") and analyzed it to death.

 

LET there be a chance that the guy had a great time, was comfortable with your friends, wants to see you again, and he simply doesn't know what elements about his schedule this week will line-up to open a window of opportunity.

 

Then take a deep breath...

 

(at this time you/we don't "know" any answers, but there is no cause for downplaying the possibilities just yet)

[Eddie Edirol]

Something about you was off to him right when you guys got naked. There is something he didnt like. I dont know anyone who refuses good sex when they have the opportunity, even when he knows he is turned off to you for relationship material. I dont know any guy who stops when he has an erection and is halfway in. There is something physical about you that he didnt like right at that moment. Thats it. I wont be crass and give examples of what it could be, but it doesnt matter. This guy wasnt into you anyway. Even if you didnt get naked right away, he would have bailed on you a few dates in. Dont worry about it.

[Surrealist]

@musemaj11 - I totally could have waited. I was not FORCING him to have sex. I was on top of him and it just kind of happened and after about a minute he said, "I think we should stop." And so I got off. I was fine with not having sex but it just kind of went there. And then I felt completely rejected!

 

 

 

Lol comeon, bro? Lol it just kind of happened? Like did it just fall out and slip in? Look the guy didn't like something about it as mentioned by all the guys here on this thread, now me included. He KNEW he was about to go 'limp noodle' and so he bailed quick! Yeah he cuddled you all night. Something that some chicks don't get is that some guys are quite nice as well and don't wanna hurt a chick's feelings so will let her down as soft as possible, doesn't mean much other than he's no longer interested and just wants to move on sans drama and hopefully not break hearts in the process.

[Seamless74]

As usual i think alots being left out of the story.. because its just downright weird.. And i dont buy the there was something about her that turned him off we all know how that goes but usually once its in its in..

 

Maybe hes a freak and just went home and drove nails through his scrotum because thats the only way he can get off who knows... But hey we are talking about online dating unfortunately so anythings possible..

[anned80]

Interesting.

 

Not trying to be cocky but I'm great in bed. I am completely uninhibited. I've been told several times that i'm the best sex someone has ever had. I'm not shy and I'm open. I'm not self conscious and I know what I'm doing.

 

He likes my body. He had said so multiple times. Clothes came off. He had already seen me with my shirt off. There was SOME lighting but it was very dim so it's not like he could have seen THAT much. He fingered me. Then I gave him a blow job and he really seemed to enjoy that. Then I got on top of him and I said "do you have a condomn?" He said "no" and then we still ended up inserting it was slow and lasted for only about one minute and he said "I think we should stop" and I stopped and said "ok" but then we kept kind of going (he didn't stop it either) for about 30 seconds and he said "I think we should stop." So, I stopped and go off. What @sincere said - I guess technically this was sex but there was no finish and it was only about a minute.

 

It did surprise me that he didn't want to get off AT ALL. I mean, fine, we aren't going to have sex but don't you want to get off since we've already started this?! I can't believe you don't want me to at least give you a hand job. (Didn't say this but that is what I was thinking).

 

Through out the night there was light cuddling. When we woke up in the morning I said something like "I don't usually have men sleeping in my bed after two dates and then have semi-sex with them." And he said something like "Let's move forward" or something like that, which I took as him not wanting to discuss it. I said this to kind of lighten the mood and also, that is the truth. I don't normally have people stay over after two dates and to be honest had not planned for sex. Like I said, even though it was techinically only two dates it felt more like 10 dates - all my friends said the same thing. There is a comfort there.

 

When we were with my friends they got along FAMOUSLY. Seriously, it was great. He was totally into me, affectionate, etc. He said he was "pleasantly surprised" and actually didn't want to leave the party.

 

The other things my friends had said is -- maybe he was just uncomfortable - it WAS only date #2? Or maybe it was a safety thing since it was unprotected? Or maybe he was trying to be respectful?

 

ONE OR TWO months?! Ah! Do people REALLY wait that long to have sex? I kind of feel like if you like each other you really don't need to wait that long. Obviously, it's wise to wait more than two dates, I get that. But TWO months?

 

And yes, there IS a possibility that he doesn't know his schedule. I ALWAYS read WAY into things when I get insecure - after last night I am now all paranoid, therefore I am taking his text as rejection. For instance, when he asked if I wanted to hang out on Saturday I told him I already had plans and said "Would you like to come along?" His initial response was "Sounds tempting, I'll think about it." I actually took this as "No thanks" and thought he was trying to tell me in a nice way but it turns out he actually WAS thinking about it and really wanted to come and he did, and we had a good time.

 

I do know from what he has told me he is more "old-fashioned." He said he doesn't like to go up to women because he feels like a creep.

 

I think I'll know by tomorrow what's going on - even before our first date we talked/emailed/texted MULTIPLE times throughout the day. He would email me "good morning" emails and just random things - if he does not do this tomorrow then I'll know it's over.

 

And actually, I would like to hear the examples of what could have turned him off. I figure that's what this site is for.

Edited December 20, 2010 by anned80

[Str8noChaser]

Has he contacted you at all today? and does he usually do so?

[9Lives]

I dont think the other guy is at fault.

 

You moving way to far.

You doing way to much.

You brought him around your family way too fast

You put him in your bed way too soon.

 

Dating is fun but you have to really focus on yourself. That means inside and out. You sound like you still need some love yourself time. I would not dating for a while and read some books on dating. You need guidance.

[SmileFace]

You really shouldn't try to read to much into it . It will only cause yourself stress.

 

For all you know , he may want a serious relationship and wants to take things slower.

 

It can be so many things.

[Seamless74]

You know upon rereading your OP seriously maybe he just freaked because he didnt have a condom and didnt wanna risk getting you pregnant because he knew that freeballin he was only gonna last like a minute....

 

Thats probably it actually.. hopefully...

[anned80]

We initially woke up around 8:30am and I asked him if he wanted to get up and he said he could still sleep a bit; we didn't wake up again until about 11:30am. I took him home. When I dropped him off he smiled and kissed me (on lips) and said he had a good time meeting my friends and would talk to me soon.

 

I always get lost so he explained to me how to get back to my house. So, when I got back to my house (around 12:30am) I texted him and said "Thanks for your fabulous directions I am home. I had a good time last night; thank you." And he wrote back and said "me too, thanks."

 

Then around 6pm - I texted him (let me make it clear that NORMALLY - I would always let a guy initiate but our contact since beginning has been pretty mutual and I would not normally feel weird just saying hi, because he does the same thing). So, I said something about reading my work emails, etc and asked him how his day had gone and he said he had just watched TV all day.

 

Then that is when I asked him if he would like to get together that week. I all honestly, I was asking because I DO actually want to see him again and I AM very busy and could literally make plans everyday doing something without him but would like to give him an opportunity to see me. So I just said "Would you like to hang out again at some point this week?" He said "Sure, can't say when, I need to talk to xyz about when testing is available" (there is a test he has to take for his work).

 

The only reason this sounds odd is because he is off work starting 12/22 for 2 weeks - can he not pick a day? In hindsight, I wish I had asked him a specific one or two days if he could hang instead of leaving it wide open because maybe I would have gotten a better response.

 

Other than that - he has not texted. The best indicator will be tomorrow morning. He has always (even before first date when we started talking) emailed me in the morning at some point just to say "hi". If he does not do that then I know it's a bad sign and it's not going anywhere.

 

And yes, everyone is right I KNOW I read into things way too much. It's just what I do. As far as pregnancy, I have an IUD so there is no way I could have gotten pregnant (but he obviously did not know this). And, I do think he wants a relationship. I guess for me (personally) I don't have a problem with having sex earlier and still getting into a relationship but I guess everyone is not like this. My worry is that now he is turned off by how physically things got so quickly.

Edited December 20, 2010 by anned80

[Seamless74]

I have an IUD so there is no way I could have gotten pregnant (but he obviously did not know this)

 

 

Why in the world with a guys cock inside of you and you wanting to get laid did you not tell him that??

 

 

Tell you the truth you might both just be weird i honestly dont know...

[anned80]

@9lives - I personally thought HE was moving way too fast emotionally. An hour into our first date he was already talking about taking me on a double date with his friends.

 

I feel like he set the precedent for moving quickly. He was already basically talking about the "future." For instance, when we were leaving my friends house he said something to the effect of "next time we come over" and then when we were in the car "next time I will drive" and then "when we do this". So, he was the one that was starting all the "future" stuff - this let me open up and I let down my guard and moved into things because it felt very mutual.

 

In terms of him meeting my friends - I was being polite. He had wanted to hang out, I said I already had plans and was basically like, if you want to hang out you can come along with me. He could have said "no."

 

It was predetermined that he was going to come over - not something that just happened. When we were hanging out before going to my friends - I said something like, you can just stay over if you want. And, I actually said, but "no sex." Honestly, I didn't think anything like that would happen.

[anned80]

@seamless - Um, I don't know. I guess because I legitimately felt rejected. I guess this is my bad. But when he said "I think we should stop" I didn't know why he was saying it so I didn't want to "pressure" him by being like -- "well, I know you want to stop but I'm on birth control, so can we keep going?" Because what if he had been like, "no, get off I want to stop." I basically felt like I didn't want to push it and risk feeling even MORE rejected than I already did. Because, what if it wasnt the BC, then what was it?

 

He could have said, "are you on birth control?" "are you on the pill?" "I don't think this is a good idea because we don't have a condomn" He could have said SOMETHING!

 

But then there are other things... in the morning I asked if he wanted to have breakfast... he said "no". There was not affection when we got up. I get that he didn't want to have sex or whatever but we were naked in bed - you would think there would be a little kissing or making out before we got up. Nope. He just said "well, I guess we should get dressed now."

Edited December 20, 2010 by anned80

[Str8noChaser]

He could have said SOMETHING!

 

But then there are other things... in the morning I asked if he wanted to have breakfast... he said "no". There was not affection when we got up. I get that he didn't want to have sex or whatever but we were naked in bed - you would think there would be a little kissing or making out before we got up. Nope. He just said "well, I guess we should get dressed now."

 

Sounds like you both missed an opportunity to say things during the evening.

 

How did you feel about the resistance to have breakfast and the lack of affection from him?

[USCGAviator]

Sounds like he was thinking too much rather than just enjoying your company.

[lovelydemon]

This is one thing that really bugs me about dating too. Sometimes, I'll start talking to a guy online, we proceed to the text messages (the inevitable evil) and he will start texting good morning, good night and all the cute stuff in between before we even met. Most of the time I find it annoying. Once we meet and IF I like him then I start to find it all cute.

So it goes like this for a week or two and then all of a sudden the texting pattern changes to veryy random. Seriously, what's up with this extremes? It's like all or nothing...

[Star Gazer]

I started reading the responses and just got irritated.

 

Guys go limp all the time for reasons that have NOTHING to do with the woman they're having sex with. To blame the OP for the guy stopping the sex and saying there was something wrong with her is grossly unfair and presumptuous. Perhaps he felt himself losing it, for a number of reasons, and just thought it would be less embarrassing if he presented it as his choice rather than his member's choice?

 

Even assuming arguendo that she was bad in bed, I cannot fathom why he wouldn't use her body as a masterbatory tool to get himself off.

 

Nay, I'm convinced there's something going on in his head that made him uncomfortable. And I bet that something is the fact that she was willing to have sex with him on the SECOND DATE. It didn't feel right to him.

 

That is way, way, way too soon in my book.