he "won't let me leave"

[tiny_tot]

First time using the forum.

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years. I have a 19 year old son by my first marriage..of less than a year and a 15 year old son with my current husband.

I am so unhappy. I finally confessed my feelings as best I could to him. It has devastated him to hear me say Im no longer in love with him. I told him I wanted to leave. He says he won’t let me leave. He cannot promise what he will do if I leave him.

A little background, he is very very protective of me. Very jealous and insecure. I have had issues with this throughout our marriage as it feels like Im a child rather than an adult.

 

He got us into some serious financial trouble with IRS that we will carry likely until we are old.

 

I had a brief affair that meant nothing to me early in our marriage and can not justify it other than to say..at that point, I wanted out and begged him to leave or let me leave.

 

I went through a serious time of depression when we began to fall into financial ruin. I begged him to take care of those taxes and he always shut me down..saying it will be OK.

 

Went to the doctor, got diagnosed with depression and prescribed medication for it. My husband told me I wasn’t depressed. He didn’t like me taking the meds. He’s been a long distance truck driver almost our entire marriage and it left me raising our kids. Not complaining, but that was stressful too. I got to the point I quit my position as an EMT and cut contact with all those friends I had made. I shut myself up and became isolated from everything but my husband and our sons. I wanted to die so many times..I was so hateful when I was awake..all I wanted to do was sleep so I didn’t have to deal with anything

 

Im working now and have been for a few years. I’ve regained some independence and struggled with childhood abuse that has controlled me for much of my life.

 

He is a GOOD guy. He loves me..but his love..feels more like possessiveness..and I feel like I am smothering. I want OUT. I don’t want counseling. He involves the kids by texting them about me saying I wanted to leave..which made me so angry. They do not need to be texted after he and I have talks.

 

He cries..and says he cant live without me, he will not move on and he doesn’t know what he will do if I leave. Or..if I leave and he ever runs into me and Im with someone else. Meaning, a male of course.

I do not know how to get through to him. I tell him he is strong and he owes it to the kids to be strong and to himself.

I am sorry for the lengthy post, but I already know my heart is no longer in this marriage but I can not make him accept it and let me go. How do I leave?

Edited December 19, 2010 by tiny_tot
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[sirweasles]

First let me say I am prolly on the other side of this boat only I love my wife enough to let her make her own choices and I would never be little her like that. however I am very over protective and some what jealus issues i am having to learn to control now. The first step would be to take care of you and if need be get a restraining order let him know that if he wont do it the easy way then youll do it the hard way. If he truely loves you he will let you go. just remember you are not a posetion you are a person and do what you have to to be happy.

 

now a question for you what would he have to do to win you over again if he went to thearapy and got medical treatment and was able to turn himself around and start treating you the way you deserve to be treated wouls that make you want to stay. or has it gon on for to long.

[tiny_tot]

In all honesty, it has gone on too long. All of it. He asked me the same question. What would it take to win me back. It is sad, because I believe in my heart that nothing will change how I feel now. I want out. Many women would love to be so "loved" but I feel like it's an unhealthy love for us both.

 

I am so far from perfect and I feel so guilty when he talks about not being able to let me go and how he knows he cannot make it without me. That I am his world. I told him I would give it six months and I did so because I hate hurting him so much. I did it because I feel guilty.

 

Our kids seem semi okay with it..since he brought them into knowing what was going on thru texting them. I have told them they can hate me if they need to..that I loved them and hope that they could understand some day.

 

I am so afraid he will hurt himself..and he is so focused..paranoid..by his own admission..on me being with someone else after we are seperated. That is ALL he can think about..is me finding someone else..and if he saw me with anyone, he would kill them.

 

How..do I even begin to deal with that?

[sirweasles]

well I have been in and out of hospitals for the last mont even spent time in a mental institute I suffer from PTSD and my wife left me at the worst time. I can tell you that I have found help and I dont want it however I dont want to die I just dont want to live the thing is you can learn to want to live again and as much as you are going to hurt him ask him really ask him does he care about you does he want you to be happy does he like to see you sad and let him know that every thing he is doing is proving the wrong answer to all of those questions make him think really really think and if he doesnt care enough about you then you need to pack up and go.

[robf1971]

. It is sad, because I believe in my heart that nothing will change how I feel now. I want out. Many women would love to be so "loved" ?

 

Human nature is truly interesting, case in point a friend whose wife had multiple affairs, tried to steal all his money, plotted behind his back. He was devastated and moved on, 4 yrs later, she really wants him back, he now views her life as a pathetic comedy show, her feelings changed 180 back to wanting him.

 

My first wife who kicked me out because she had "no feelings" and we were "roomates", I was gutted, but moved on. Just at that point she became desparate to win me back, I tried but it was futile, she'd killed of any love I had for her.

 

My point is you have no idea how you would feel if you left. Us men usually need a good kick in the nuts and a 2*4 to the head to let us know somethings wrong. We don't "get" subtle hints. Eg Husband, this possesiveness is driving me nuts, go and get therapy now to deal with it or I'm gonna leave" might have been a good start...

[tiny_tot]

"sir" thank you. I am sorry for what you are going through but it helps to have some feedback..something, anything.

 

Even criticism "rob" I have tried over the years to talk to him. if it is something he doesn't want to hear..he pretends everything is okay and just..ignores what I am trying to say. Just like my depression..with the diagnosis..and prescription for my meds...he said "you arent depressed.."

 

 

I am afraid to show him too much affection, we are not having sex..it's hard for me to say I love you back to him..because any little thing will be misleading him..giving him hope.

[sirweasles]

well If there is no hope you need to make that clear and move on becouse believe me if my wife is just trying not to hurt me by saying we will give it time and she really doesnt mean it then she is hurting me more and will hurt me alot more through out the whole drawn out ordeal. If it is just over then make a clean cut his pain will be intense but it will go away if you drag it out he will be in pain for alot longer and in the end still have the intense pain.

[tiny_tot]

That is what I know..dragging it out is worse. BUT, with him saying he cant promise he won't hurt himself..and making me scared FOR him..I just didn't know what else to do.

[edb9818]

 

Also understand that divorce isn't always the "cure". If you have kids with this guy, he's in your life FOREVER anyhow! Feelings DO change... you were "in love" with him at one time, and because of issues you no longer feel this way. This is also a feeling that can be reversed; however, it's hard to motivate individuals when they're already hurt and at your point to reverse the feelings. I also would suggest counseling on both of your parts. At the VERY least, even if you decided to continue your pursuit with divorce, the regret of not trying more shouldn't ever be an issue.

 

Most people believe "divorce" is a fresh start... and usually it's just an addition to a whole new set of problems, especially if your current spouse and you have children. Statistically, second marriages have a HIGHER failure rate than the first... and the rate increases after EACH divorce. Odds are against you for a happier outcome! Make what you have work, and if he's unwilling... then you'll at least tried and have no other choice!

 

BTW, I can assure your that your "brief" affair and attitude with it is MUCH more devastating to him. If he's having insecurity or jealous tendencies, THIS is probably what set it full speed ahead. He's worries that you'll do it again are justified!

[hopesndreams]

I had a brief affair that meant nothing to me early in our marriage

 

He should have ended the M with you right then and there.

 

I got to the point I quit my position as an EMT

 

What are your plans after you leave him?

 

I don’t want counseling

 

Just leave him.

[TaraMaiden]

That is what I know..dragging it out is worse. BUT, with him saying he cant promise he won't hurt himself..and making me scared FOR him..I just didn't know what else to do.

 

It's emotional blackmail.

He's controlling you by appealing to your nurturing nature.

He's passive-aggressive and manipulative.

This is why he is using the children against you.

He has no right to do this, and it's immature and completely selfish.

 

You need to tell him that you are not responsible for his actions and that if he chooses to be so ridiculous as to do something to harm himself because of your decision, then it's on his head, but you will not take responsibility, and bear the weight of his decisions.

Tell him to grow up and grow a spine.

It's over.

if he can't deal with it, that's his problem.

 

Not yours.

 

This is extremely harsh and very cold.

But it may be the only thing available to you, to get through to him, if all else has failed.

But be careful.

He will lash out and may try to be unspeakably cruel as a revenge move.

I'm not referring to any physical abuse, but a person who sees they are losing control, will stop at nothing to try to get it back.

[robf1971]

"sir" thank you. I am sorry for what you are going through but it helps to have some feedback..something, anything.

 

Even criticism "rob" I have tried over the years to talk to him. if it is something he doesn't want to hear..he pretends everything is okay and just..ignores what I am trying to say. Just like my depression..with the diagnosis..and prescription for my meds...he said "you arent depressed.."

 

 

I am afraid to show him too much affection, we are not having sex..it's hard for me to say I love you back to him..because any little thing will be misleading him..giving him hope.

 

I had depression when I was 19, really bad, fortunately it only lasted 6 months. Afterwards I realised that no one could understand depression if they had never had it. I would put a bet on it that your hubby is the same.

 

To most people depression is feeling a bit sad, but only those who have suffered really understand. Quite honestly I think your husband could deserve a break for thinking like that. eg Aw she's just a bit gloomy, pull yourself together..

 

IMHO you need to sort yourself out before making any major life decisions. You have no idea if it's this man who's making you unhappy. Sounds like a DR Phil Cliche but "how can you love anyone else if you don't love and respect yourself?"

[tiny_tot]

Yes and the affair was in the early years of our marriage and I absolutely KNOW that he has insecurities and jealousy issues because of that. He was like that before the affair but not as bad. He says he's forgiven that, and he may truly have but it stays with you and I know that it's my fault that he has some of the issues that he has.

 

That being said, I am sure the marriage is over for me. I am trying to do what is best for both of us. He can not see that now but living in jealous paranoia..and possessiveness..is not good for him. It's not good for me either..and I do not want us staying together only to end up in worse shape down the road. Resentment, anger..trust issues. We both deserve to be happy.

[tiny_tot]

I tried the cold hearted approach..it hasn't phased him either.

 

I have thought about this long and hard. Not for the first time, several times throughout our marriage.

 

Makes me feel selfish and guilty to think how it hurts him. I asked him would he rather me stay and be unhappy and he said yes.

 

I just want to be happy too.

[edb9818]

"We both deserve to be happy."

 

That's just it. Divorce doesn't guarantee this! If you're divorcing SOLELY on the assumption that you'll find peace and happiness in the end, you're going to have some regrets. The way you feel now, WILL change with time! However, this is just my advice. Take it if you want, but it sounds like you've made up your mind! Just stand firm on your decision, and don't "toy" with him and give him any signals of false hope. This usually means just breaking off ALL contact with him except about your child. In the beginning, he's going to be reading EVERYTHING you do in search for a signal that there's another chance (trust me, I know). Don't allow yourself to say the wrong thing, and give open to him chasing you again!

[tiny_tot]

I definitely know divorce doesn't = happiness.

 

What I do know is that this choice is not made lightly or on a whim.

I know that sometimes you DO have to be cruel to be kind and later..that person may thank you for making them discover how strong they can be when they have to be. And..some times they may never understand or forgive you for leaving them.

 

I am not toying with him..I DO not want to do that to him. If I wasn't such a coward and feeling so guilty for hurting him..I should have already been gone.

 

No part of me is worried that I can't make it on my own. I know that I can and I know there are times when I am going to fall on my face..and miss him like crazy for the good times we had.

 

I hope that I can do this..and that we can make it as civil as possible..although I worry a lot about his promise to 'stalk' me made in joking by him.(Pretty sure it's not joking the way he has talked)

 

I know most people on here are on the OTHER side of the fence..the ones being hurt by spouses wanting divorces. I am sorry for that and for the various reasons people no longer want or can be in a marriage.

[sirweasles]

trust me when i tell you if your gonna leave leave now and make it a final your desire to not hurt him is hurting him more he has said he doesnt care for your happiness so you know he is not going to change. there are definate situations where it just doesnt work. I would pack your bags and go now.

[edb9818]

I hope that I can do this..and that we can make it as civil as possible...

 

You can do this, and whether it's civil or not at this point would be entirely up to him! If he starts stalking you, call the police! This way, it's documented. This should remind him that if he's that stupid, he's going to suffer the consequences... that's including the court seeing his actions and having his rights to his children extremely limited.

[plowguy1]

I'm in your husbands shoes. I begged my wife to not date anyone after she moved out, so we could work on things, just sort things out. She wouldn't do it. saying she didn't even want to date, but I was being controlling(excuse me this was my wife, the mother of my 3 kids!) 4 mos later she goes on a date,and shes been in love ever since,can't keep her hands off him in front of our kids. I wanted to kill them both and myself, even bought a shotgun. I spent a week in a mental hospital too. it's been 15 mos. and it's not getting any better. I've come to the conclusion that women are out of their minds. and every day I hope I get cancer, but with my luck I'll live till I'm ninety.

[edb9818]

Plow,

 

She's in a rebound relationship, and odds are it won't last. When it doesn't, if you play your cards right and stop smothering her, she may find comfort in you when it goes sour with him. Stop your crazy **** now, and move forward. Keep positive! There's not a freakin' chance in hell she's coming back to you in the state you're in now, especially if you're threatening suicide and up to your hairline in pity-babbled BS.

[wicar1]

This is why people are supposed to leave the marriage when they find out their partner is cheating. It saves years of your time, most of your money and lots and lots of future pain. Either the guy accepts it or not...the affair is still haunting him.

 

Anyway....

 

You live in a free country and in this country women are protected by law to the maximum.

 

- If you wanna get a divorce just get a divorce. You have every right to do so. Your H cannot stop you. If you think he might hurt you... call the cops. Get a restraining order. He cannot force you to stay in a marriage.

 

- About getting the kids involved....hmm I would say it is OK as long as they are matured enough to know what They are part of the family and they have every right to know. Because a Divorce will have an impact on them too.

 

- I am not trying to be rude, but honestly I do not understand why you talk about your husband trying to hurt himself... if you had really cared for him you wouldnt have hurt him by having an affair. Either you like it or not, your affair is still haunting him.

 

Seriously I dont know why the guy still wanna stay with u when you dont want him.

 

 

Good luck...

[tiny_tot]

yes, it is okay the kids are old enough it is the WAY he did it. Upset..and texted them, rather than us talking to them together or agreeing that now was the time to tell them.

 

 

- I am not trying to be rude, but honestly I do not understand why you talk about your husband trying to hurt himself... if you had really cared for him you wouldnt have hurt him by having an affair. Either you like it or not, your affair is still haunting him.

 

The affair was in the early years of our marriage. You are right, if I had loved and cared for him as a wife should have the affair would not have happened. BUT..we have been together a long time since then and I DO care whether he goes out and tries to kill himself. AND as I stated in posts before this reply I am fully aware that the affair haunts him. HE is the one that denies it and says he's forgiven me and trusts me..he is in denial and it is unhealthy for him and for me to remain in a marriage where his paranoia..possessiveness and jealousy will not even allow me to mention ANY male co-workers name..or any male at all..without him getting mad about it. I can not even say.."hey, there is someone that I know at work that will look at the car for us..probably fix it pretty cheap" without him getting pissed off and going all macho on me like I insulted his manhood by trying to help.

 

So yeah..I AM FULLY aware of the consequences of an affair. BUT feeling like you are held prisioner in your marriage is no way to live either.

 

Thanks for your input

[tiny_tot]

I'm in your husbands shoes. I begged my wife to not date anyone after she moved out, so we could work on things, just sort things out. She wouldn't do it. saying she didn't even want to date, but I was being controlling(excuse me this was my wife, the mother of my 3 kids!) 4 mos later she goes on a date,and shes been in love ever since,can't keep her hands off him in front of our kids. I wanted to kill them both and myself, even bought a shotgun. I spent a week in a mental hospital too. it's been 15 mos. and it's not getting any better. I've come to the conclusion that women are out of their minds. and every day I hope I get cancer, but with my luck I'll live till I'm ninety.

 

 

Yes you are. I disagree about the hands all over him or whatever in front of the kids. It is scary that you are that angry and hurt and that is what Im so afraid of with my husband. Please don't wish that kind of thing on yourself..If someone doesnt want to be with you..cut them loose. You are only hurting yourself and your kids.

 

I work in a mental hospital. I see this stuff every day and it scares me to death to know that he could fall into that himself because of me.

[wicar1]

yes, it is okay the kids are old enough it is the WAY he did it. Upset..and texted them, rather than us talking to them together or agreeing that now was the time to tell them.

 

If you really wanna get divorced, then you should go for it. Regardless of why he's acting so weird etc etc.....

 

The important fact is no person can force you to stay in a marriage you dont like. Even your husband cannot do that. It's a free country. Atleast that's what laws say.

 

Good luck....

[habs53]

Do the guy a favor and just leave. He may think he needs you but really, he doesnt.

I did the same thing as him and basically now i feel like i made a fool of myself.

He will heal in time and and find someone else. I read almost everything i could online to save my marriage and came to the conclusion there is nothing i could do.

The part that i am very proud of now is that i am the happier of the 2. Fact is, he is not making you unhappy. You are.

So simply give the guy a break and leave him be. Go find yourself like every other woman says and have a good life.

 

Really sad what has happened to this society.