3rdwheel Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Hi everyone! I am new here and I need some help. Here's some background. I am extremely close friends with two people that I work with. They have both been invaluable to me in the past while I was dealing with an emotional affair (who I currently have NC with, by the way). They were and still are there for me by listening to me and offering me complete honesty regarding my situation. I love these two people very much and they have become my best friends. So, here is the situation. I have been sitting back and watching them fall for each other. They are both married, though neither happily. Without going into too much detail, he tried to leave his wife years ago and was told that if he did, he would never see the most important child in his life (who he is not blood related to, but who he never the less has a very deep connection with). So, he made the choice to stay. His wife is very controlling (obviously) as the only thing she cares about is that he doesn't leave her. My other friend has been unhappy in her marriage for quite some time. Her husband is extremely emotionally abusive, pretty much non-existent in her children's life and also extremely controlling. I truly hate him for how he manipulates her and makes her feel. They have just recently admitted their feelings about each other to me and to one another. I know that she would never physically cross the line because she has adamant beliefs about that. I know that he doesn't have those beliefs, but he has stayed away from 'the line' out of respect for her. When they are in the same room together, you can literally cut the tension with a knife. I think that they need to distance themselves from each other so that they can separately deal with their own marriages before making a decision regarding themselves. She has finally stopped sweeping things under the rug and is facing her feelings with her husband. She is obviously very confused and stressed, but I think the OM is not helping the situation. I have been in her situation, and I know from experience that it is absolutely impossible to think straight when the OM is around. I don't want her to save her marriage. She has tried for 5 years, and he is no good for her. But she needs to come to that conclusion on her own. She and the OM have tried NC, but as they work together and see each other every day, it was pretty much impossible. The OM says he will give her whatever she needs, space, time, friendship, whatever. I also believe that he is very close to being able to leave his marriage while still being able to be a part of the child's life. He has never hid his feelings from me, and has no reason to lie. I know that he wants a life with my other friend. I also know she has no desire to get married again, but has entertained the idea of a life with him as well. Here is my dilemma. I know that they have to deal with these feelings amongst themselves, but they ask me my opinion all the time. I feel uncomfortable giving them advice that they may resent me for later. I am honest with them at all times, and that may be what they are looking for, but I don't want to be the one influencing their decisions. At the same time, they are friends, and they were there for me. I want to be there for them. If you were in the same situation, what would you do? Sorry so long!
TaraMaiden Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 In a nutshell, I would tell them both, together, that I love them both, but whatever they do has to be their decision, and whatever they do, I will respect their decisions, but please don't involve me in the decision-making, because I am absolutely nothing to do with this. Period. Hug hug, kiss kiss, bye-bye.
sammyd Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Totally agree with the above. You need to try and remain neutral, and not influence. I'd do the same. Sit them both down together. You can still support them in whatever they do, but try and remain impartial:)
alexandria35 Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 I also believe that he is very close to being able to leave his marriage while still being able to be a part of the child's life. He has never hid his feelings from me, and has no reason to lie. I know that he wants a life with my other friend. Don't underestimate the MM. He knows damn well that you are friends with the object of his desire and may be feeding you information that he hopes you will pass along to her. Mabe not outright lying but putting the best possible spin on it.
Author 3rdwheel Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 Don't underestimate the MM. He knows damn well that you are friends with the object of his desire and may be feeding you information that he hopes you will pass along to her. Mabe not outright lying but putting the best possible spin on it.I have certainly thought about that, but like I said, we have been friends for awhile. I knew his situation before he and she became friends. I think he is sincere.
scatterd Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 he tried to leave his wife years ago and was told that if he did, he would never see the most important child in his life (who he is not blood related to, but who he never the less has a very deep connection with). So, he made the choice to stay. His wife is very controlling (obviously) as the only thing she cares about is that he doesn't leave her. I am wondering if he told his wife that he was seeing another woman? I bet if he did she would let him go.As far as the wife being controlling have you ever thought she maybe has a hold on him because of their what they share?I think if he wanted out he would leave no matter what.He probably knows that things will be different as far as seeing this kid he wont see the child as often thats what happens in divorce.I am not trying to be mean but kids are always the mans excuse for not leaving.Have you met their spouses?I would tell them that you are there to talk to but thats all you don't want to be a part of bad choices that could fall back on you.
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