How was I so blind?

[Fern]

My ex is not a good person. Looking back now on the way he behaved towards me over our 6 years and thinking about his possible motivations - the nicest thing I can come up with is that he was horrendously, frighteningly cowardly. To string someone along as long as he did (basically our whole relationship was a lie on his part) - knowing it was going nowhere, to have his replacement already lined up and STILL not be man enough to end it...

 

And that's my best case scenario for his character. In my REALLY cynical moments I suspect he was using me - knowingly and wilfully using me - to carry him and pay his bills. I'm an idiot too - for not dumping him after the many times he cheated on me. I should have been smarter - but I genuinely loved him and wanted it to work. I couldn't have tried any harder.

 

Is anyone else finding it difficult to comprehend how they became so attached to someone who just ISN'T a good person? He did stuff to me I would NEVER do to anyone. Never mind someone I was supposed to care about. He has really dented my faith in human nature. I try to be a good person. It has rocked my world that I spent so much time and energy on someone who has such a skewed moral compass.

[sb129]

Is anyone else finding it difficult to comprehend how they became so attached to someone who just ISN'T a good person? He did stuff to me I would NEVER do to anyone. Never mind someone I was supposed to care about. He has really dented my faith in human nature. I try to be a good person. It has rocked my world that I spent so much time and energy on someone who has such a skewed moral compass.

 

Snap.

 

Although I have moved on a bit from where you are now- I understand why I spent time with that person, and I have forgiven myself for it.

Its over- its in the past, and I am thankful for that.

 

I have also learned many things about people, myself and relationships that I can now apply to my marriage.

 

Be a better person- you have seen "the light", the only way from here is forward.

[jen_r]

My ex is not a good person. Looking back now on the way he behaved towards me over our 6 years and thinking about his possible motivations - the nicest thing I can come up with is that he was horrendously, frighteningly cowardly. To string someone along as long as he did (basically our whole relationship was a lie on his part) - knowing it was going nowhere, to have his replacement already lined up and STILL not be man enough to end it...

 

And that's my best case scenario for his character. In my REALLY cynical moments I suspect he was using me - knowingly and wilfully using me - to carry him and pay his bills. I'm an idiot too - for not dumping him after the many times he cheated on me. I should have been smarter - but I genuinely loved him and wanted it to work. I couldn't have tried any harder.

 

Is anyone else finding it difficult to comprehend how they became so attached to someone who just ISN'T a good person? He did stuff to me I would NEVER do to anyone. Never mind someone I was supposed to care about. He has really dented my faith in human nature. I try to be a good person. It has rocked my world that I spent so much time and energy on someone who has such a skewed moral compass.

 

I'm right there with ya. When I sit and think about the crap he did to me it really angers me. I didn't do anything to deserve what he did to me. Using me to get over his ex gf, degrading me and telling me that I'm a loser and won't amount to anything, using me to get laid, using me for support and always in the end I was left alone writhing in pain. HOW could I love someone like that? And I mean, I'm in LOVE with him. Love is truly blind I guess. I would have never hurt him, used him, turned my back on him, ignored him - EVER. So, why did he do it to me?

 

I guess we are better people than they are? But, why do the good people always get hurt? It seems like it's better to be an awful person, hurt people before you get hurt. Play before your played. I dunno, nothing makes sense anymore.

[Fern]

Mine used me to get over his ex too!

God, so many people from all over the world with such similar experiences...

 

No matter how much he hurt me - I'm still glad to be me and not him. I can look myself in the eyes in the mirror. I'll get over him, learn my lesson and heal. Karma will take care of him.

[cerridwen]

 

Is anyone else finding it difficult to comprehend how they became so attached to someone who just ISN'T a good person?...It has rocked my world that I spent so much time and energy on someone who has such a skewed moral compass.

 

Fern, perhaps you were drawn in as I was.

I too consider myself a good person. But I made several mistakes motivated by loneliness and romanticism.

 

My ex is a cheat and of very questionable moral character. He is dishonest in nearly every facet of his life though to the outside observer, he seemed reliable and successful, ambitious and stable.

 

I was charmed in the beginning and drawn in. The first year was great. I chose to ignore small red flags that cropped up. I tried to not be too judgmental but in doing so, amended my definitions of right and wrong to give him the benefit of the doubt. I fell deep in love with him.

The deeper I went though, the more red flags I encountered. Now, I was in so deep, MY judgment was skewed and I tried to excused away his behavior.

With other situations, I tried to guide him. Yes, I am guilty of trying to "fix" him. I felt I could help him be a more moral person (sad I know). By this time however, 3 years had gone by and only small things had changed. He was still a cheat and liar.

 

When I left, my vision cleared and I reel at how morally bankrupt he is.

 

Does any of this resonate with you? The finding-out-once-you're-already-in-too-deep? And the excusing behavior away?

[SimonSerenade]

I'm in exactly the same spot right now, Feeling nothing but anger and hate towards her, She had me running about doing all sorts for her even after the break up, She had me right under the thumb, Now I look back on her after going no contact, There's still love there for her but now I realise there was none on her side, Almost like she wanted to sabotage the relationship to find an exit and to ease her guilt she wanted to remain "friends" >.> and now she get's nothing from me and never will, She just recently got me some Christmas presents which nothing to me, Best present she could ever give me would be to simply drop dead on the spot , She traded our family in for a worthless life of partying and being "free" and I won't forgive her for that or how she talked to me after what she did, She really does give the devil himself a run for his money and why I didn't walk out before her I really don't know, She was pure evil and she may act cold like nothing phases her but when all this catches up with her and it will, She will feel what I felt only tenfold because she's the one who caused it and I can't wait till the day she realises that, By then I would of moved on

[jen_r]

Mine used me to get over his ex too!

God, so many people from all over the world with such similar experiences...

 

No matter how much he hurt me - I'm still glad to be me and not him. I can look myself in the eyes in the mirror. I'll get over him, learn my lesson and heal. Karma will take care of him.

 

I wish I believed in Karma, I truly feel it's up to me to make him feel pain - like the pain he caused me. As bad as this sounds - I need to get revenge to feel better. :-/

[Fern]

Fern, perhaps you were drawn in as I was.

I too consider myself a good person. But I made several mistakes motivated by loneliness and romanticism.

 

My ex is a cheat and of very questionable moral character. He is dishonest in nearly every facet of his life though to the outside observer, he seemed reliable and successful, ambitious and stable.

 

I was charmed in the beginning and drawn in. The first year was great. I chose to ignore small red flags that cropped up. I tried to not be too judgmental but in doing so, amended my definitions of right and wrong to give him the benefit of the doubt. I fell deep in love with him.

The deeper I went though, the more red flags I encountered. Now, I was in so deep, MY judgment was skewed and I tried to excused away his behavior.

With other situations, I tried to guide him. Yes, I am guilty of trying to "fix" him. I felt I could help him be a more moral person (sad I know). By this time however, 3 years had gone by and only small things had changed. He was still a cheat and liar.

 

When I left, my vision cleared and I reel at how morally bankrupt he is.

 

Does any of this resonate with you? The finding-out-once-you're-already-in-too-deep? And the excusing behavior away?

 

Yes, I get where you're coming from all too well. Right down to the 'trying to fix him' bit. Looking back it is incomprehensible to me how I excused so much. If one of my friends had been in my situation I'd have DESPAIRED at them continuing to fight for such a one-sided arrangement.

 

It worries me that I think there is a part of the younger me who - the worse he treated me - the more I needed to make him love me. I cringe at the sacrifices I made for him and the ways I let him treat me. I never suspected my self-esteem was so low. But looking back - he was the first relationship I had that lasted more than a few months (and I was 26 when I started seeing him, not a teenager.). Even before him, I've always been drawn to emotionally unavailable men. I don't understand why, my parents have a wonderful relationship and my father is a lovely human being.

 

I learned some valuable lessons. I just wish I had been able to learn them sooner.

[Fern]

I wish I believed in Karma, I truly feel it's up to me to make him feel pain - like the pain he caused me. As bad as this sounds - I need to get revenge to feel better. :-/

 

Perhaps karma is the wrong word... He isn't a good person, until he is capable of truly loving someone he will never know real happiness and contentment.

My ex is a negative, miserable human being. People like that - selfish, immature, thoughtless people - they get back from the world what they put out into it.

[Fern]

I'm in exactly the same spot right now, Feeling nothing but anger and hate towards her, She had me running about doing all sorts for her even after the break up, She had me right under the thumb, Now I look back on her after going no contact, There's still love there for her but now I realise there was none on her side, Almost like she wanted to sabotage the relationship to find an exit and to ease her guilt she wanted to remain "friends" >.> and now she get's nothing from me and never will, She just recently got me some Christmas presents which nothing to me, Best present she could ever give me would be to simply drop dead on the spot , She traded our family in for a worthless life of partying and being "free" and I won't forgive her for that or how she talked to me after what she did, She really does give the devil himself a run for his money and why I didn't walk out before her I really don't know, She was pure evil and she may act cold like nothing phases her but when all this catches up with her and it will, She will feel what I felt only tenfold because she's the one who caused it and I can't wait till the day she realises that, By then I would of moved on

 

I think I'm past the anger and hatred. I don't wish him any ill will. I hope he has happiness in the future - however I don't want him to be happy with his current girl - the one he was cheating on me with. She was the 'reason' (more like catalyst or final straw) that we split up. I know it's illogical - if it hadn't been her, it would have been someone else, but until he sees what she is really like, until that relationship has crashed and burned - I don't think I'll be able to be properly indifferent to him.

I might be kidding myself, but I genuinely believe that I'm over HIM - what I'm still holding onto is the hurt, the ego blow of having him 'choose' her over me. She's AWFUL. She has no female friends at all, because she can't be trusted around men. She's vain, shallow, manipulative, needy, not very bright, has no ambition or intellect and is constantly seeking attention. I cannot get my head around his choice. She's AWFUL. He has lost his mind. I know this makes me sound really petty, but if they split up - I think I would be able to stop obsessing over our split pretty much immediately - one of the few benefits to my ex being such an unmitigated ass is I don't kid myself I love him anymore.

 

I feel like someone recovering from Stockholm Syndrome.

[sb129]

I feel like someone recovering from Stockholm Syndrome.

 

Thats such a great way of describing it!

 

Thats how I felt too.....

[melenkurion]

In my REALLY cynical moments I suspect he was using me - knowingly and wilfully using me - to carry him and pay his bills. I'm an idiot too - for not dumping him after the many times he cheated on me. I should have been smarter - but I genuinely loved him and wanted it to work.

 

Blimey, I could have written that myself, apart from "many" times your ex cheated. I "only" know for sure of four times, all in the space of about 3 months.

 

I feel like someone recovering from Stockholm Syndrome.

 

Yup, me too...

[Graceful]

I think I'm past the anger and hatred. I don't wish him any ill will. I hope he has happiness in the future - however I don't want him to be happy with his current girl - the one he was cheating on me with. She was the 'reason' (more like catalyst or final straw) that we split up. I know it's illogical - if it hadn't been her, it would have been someone else, but until he sees what she is really like, until that relationship has crashed and burned - I don't think I'll be able to be properly indifferent to him.

I might be kidding myself, but I genuinely believe that I'm over HIM - what I'm still holding onto is the hurt, the ego blow of having him 'choose' her over me. She's AWFUL. She has no female friends at all, because she can't be trusted around men. She's vain, shallow, manipulative, needy, not very bright, has no ambition or intellect and is constantly seeking attention. I cannot get my head around his choice. She's AWFUL. He has lost his mind. I know this makes me sound really petty, but if they split up - I think I would be able to stop obsessing over our split pretty much immediately - one of the few benefits to my ex being such an unmitigated ass is I don't kid myself I love him anymore.

 

I feel like someone recovering from Stockholm Syndrome.

 

It is very normal (and common) to feel this way after being cheated on and left by the side of the road like a used kleenex. I felt exactly the same way, although my situation was not identical to yours.

 

What you have to see is that he chose the woman that he chose b/c she probably props him up in some way. She may be a doormat who puts up with his misbehavior. She may give him a hard time and challenge his ego and then, when she relents, he finds it a turn on. It sounds like a very superficial r/l, and he may like her for the lack of challenge she presents to him, he may like just lusting after her. No matter what the root is, the over arching theme is that she makes him feel good about himself for some reason, he feels superior to her, he feels in control. And you are right, she could have been ANYONE. She was the first one who came along, that is all. He did not really "choose" her.

 

Unwittingly, over time, you may have made him feel inferior and that he could never live up to your standards. Instead of taking your influence in a positive way, he used it in a negative way, b/c all he could do to feel better about himself was to put you down and use you. That is to be pitied of course, in a rational sense, but it is a person with no character, ambition, class, self-esteem, and the list goes on and on. My ex chose a woman who had a "doormat" style personality, who was very very unattractive and seemed almost worshipful of him. She makes a very tidy living, though, started treating him immediately, and even took him on vacations, whereas, I could never have afforded to do that. His self-esteem was boosted by her, I could see that immediately, even if it was on a superficial level. My ex also, could never really live up to me, and he was, in his own words, jealous of me. Jealous of my energy, my warmth, my inner joy, my self-esteem, my optimism ... so what did he do? Over time, set out to destroy me. All very subtle, but that was what he was doing. I suspect the same thing happened to you. A very slow process.

 

Your ex may have also been jealous of you, how capable you are, how loving you are, how good you are. It may have been too much for him to stand, he may not have felt like he even deserved you, and ended up resenting you, and taking out his own inadequacies on you, which I guess in the classic sense, is "projecting" onto you. He made you feel like he really feels; he sucked you dry, it was subtle at first, you dismissed it b/c you are a good person. He feels the way he made you ultimately feel inside. And he still feels that way, while you are getting back to your old self and finding yourself again. He will never do that.

 

And you are right. There is no such thing as "bad" karma. Only good karma exists. It does not work like retribution. It's not a "one for one" for every action (if you do something bad, then something bad will happen to you in turn -- it does not work like that). It's complicated to my way of thinking, but I do think what you put out into the world, is what you will get back. So all in all, for people who are not kind, moral, honest, etc., they ultimately will not get those qualities back in their lives. And even if appears they are fine or successful on the outside, they are not getting that on the inside, believe me. And that is what I truly believe has happened to my ex. Has everything on the outside, more than I have. But on the inside, an empty shell. A shell he has to hide from everyone. A sad way to live. Perhaps you see your ex in a similar way.

Take care.

[Fern]

Graceful - wow. That was one of the most affecting posts I've ever read on here. Thankyou.

 

How did you get so smart?

[ohno89]

I was charmed in the beginning and drawn in. The first year was great. I chose to ignore small red flags that cropped up. I tried to not be too judgmental but in doing so, amended my definitions of right and wrong to give him the benefit of the doubt. I fell deep in love with him.

The deeper I went though, the more red flags I encountered. Now, I was in so deep, MY judgment was skewed and I tried to excused away his behavior.

With other situations, I tried to guide him. Yes, I am guilty of trying to "fix" him. I felt I could help him be a more moral person (sad I know).

Love is truly blind I guess. I would have never hurt him, used him, turned my back on him, ignored him - EVER. So, why did he do it to me?

 

I guess we are better people than they are? But, why do the good people always get hurt? It seems like it's better to be an awful person, hurt people before you get hurt. Play before your played. I dunno, nothing makes sense anymore.

But looking back - he was the first relationship I had that lasted more than a few months (and I was 26 when I started seeing him, not a teenager.). Even before him, I've always been drawn to emotionally unavailable men. I don't understand why, my parents have a wonderful relationship and my father is a lovely human being.

This whole entire thread has moved me - especially the parts above and your post Graceful. Although my situation was slightly different, I was cheated on, didn't take him back but still got tossed aside and had to watch on as my ex carried out a relationship with this girl, only to come back 6 months later. Still, doesn't make those 6 months any easier, it was the worse time I ever has to go through, mentally and emotionally. Situations like this, when there's someone else involved (especially for over-thinkers like me ) literally rock the core of your being. It affects you in ways you never imagined it could or existed within you; your self-esteem, self-worth, perceptions of how you look, how you are...everything.

 

Graceful, so many things in your post stick out to me as possible reasons for why my ex did what he did, so thank you for sharing. Everything from the jealousy thing of me being a good person (he'd messed up a couple times before...it felt like a game at times, like 2-0 to me kinda thing....) and at his lowest points like right before and after he cheated, he admitted that he didn't deserve me and I'm more than he could ask for in someone. He also used the old digs at me - again - at those low points, exagerrating everything and accussing me of things he'd convinced himself I was doing and ultimately, blaming the break-up on me. Guess this other girl came along, immediately showed a keen interest in him, could offer him drugs and she was someone he didn't have to feel guilty being himself around......sucks.

 

Sorry for taking over your thread with my own drama Fern, I am truly sorry for what you and others are going through as I can very much relate but I was you all to keep looking forward to the future; I promise there will be a light at the end of this tunnel, even if it looks a million miles away.... I pretty much got mine, or as much as I was ever going to get and I'm in a better place now. There will always be feelings of hurt and sadness when you think about the person you once cared about so deeply, turning their back on you, but it'll be far less than what you guys are going through now...like a little dot. And by then, you will have much brighter futures and hopefully a better relationship to put first. Take care xx

[walkinginthepark]

This thread is great...thank you for posting. My ex's family seems like don't know the real reason of our divoce. His parents were gone, I'm not really close to his siblings although I believe we are on good terms. We sometimes check each other on facebook...that's it. We live far away each other. My ex insisted to talk to his siblings on his own about the divorce, so I had kept quiet (It's been 4 months since our divorce). They acted the same..nothing had been changed on facebook, so I broke the new to one of his siblings' wife without going any details. She told me she knew something wasn't going well with us and was sad about the news but wished me good luck and hoped to stay being good friends.

 

My ex is homeless, going here and there to get support. Actually he just came back to our area after 3-month trip in the area where his siblings live. He was staying at one of his siblings house at one point. A week before he was flying back to our area, he asked me to let him stay at my place. I refused. He kept asking me. I refused with strong expression and told him to find a motel or I even gave him a few links for local shelter! Then he came back without any firm plan, called a few friends of us at his arrival, and now he ended up at my place right now. I told him only one night and find a motel. He doesn't even have a credit card. I think he has some kind of mental issue..I feel pity of him but I know I should not help him.

 

His siblings seem no idea about our divorce...I think he should get help from his siblings. He always come back to me saying he misses me, etc...which I feel sick of hearing. I was too easy because I loved him, yes, love is blind...but no more. I still care about him, but now I know that that doesn't mean I let him to do whatever he wants to do. I don't know how to explain to his siblings without making myself look stupid or complainer...

 

I waited for 4 years until I finally decided to file divorce. I'm so exhausted...depressed. I was feeling pity of him even though he cheated on me, he never paid our bills, he had a long business trip every 2, 3 months, I and my family even paid for the trip to help his business, etc. etc. When I found out the first affair, I was shocked and pallarized...I felt as if I woke up from something blurred world, at the same time, almost nothing made sense to me any more. Then, even though I was devastated, I continued to support him....I work 9-5 job while taking care of our child and pay for the child care, gave him shelter, cooked meals, supported his business, etc. Later I found more affairs. He was furiously mad at me finding out. I was not searching for anything, I was cleaning up our closet for garage sales and happened to find a card saying "dear my beautifu wife" to someone else. It's sick...and embarassing...no shame. He started getting more angry and verbally abusive to me and our child. I wanted to get over as quickly as possible so I didn't include his abusiveness in the divorce filing.

 

...Sorry for my long post. I just talked to myself... I felt I could relate to you all here. It would be a long way for me to recover from this mess. I'll keep checking on this thread...this is great. Thank you everyone.

[Fern]

You did the right thing, Walking. Stay strong. There's no helping some people. Your story makes mine seem like an actual walk in the park. I know things are going to get better for you from here on in. 2011 is our year! I feel it n my bones.