zengirl Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 When is the appropriate time to start thinking about marriage? Generally, I mean for people mid-twenties or later, so who essentially have an idea of where they want their life to go. I always thought you didn't even think about it for at least a year, which is when I usually think about it and then break up with someone, realizing I don't see this going forever. The boyfriend -- who is a dream -- has been talking more about marriage, kids, moving in together, lately, though it generally seems pretty organic when it happens. It doesn't startle me at the time, but then I think about it, and I realize, it's way soon to consider it. Or is it? We are both marriage-minded, meaning we both want marriage and kids with someone someday in the near future, though with the right person, of course. We have keys to each others' houses. We spend more nights together than apart. Our lives are already very intertwined at 6 months, and we have no secrets. We're not co-dependent, we have our own careers, friends, and interests, but we're definitely partners. So, when I think in that context, it doesn't seem so weird. It's just the whole, "This is 6 months early!" bell in my head that goes off. Kind of silly. I'm not asking about the right time to get engaged perse, but when should you start thinking/talking about it? Or when do/did you like to? Is it a good thing to start considering from the very beginning, or close, so you can see how you'd mesh with the person in that context? Or should you wait and make sure it stays off the table? Do the ideas about timing change considerably as you get older? Not so much asking about my situation, as wanting to see what people think in general.
nice-easy-day Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 My standard is one year of dating before being engaged. I know people who have been engaged after 3 months. One couple it worked out great and they are perfect for each other. The other couple I believe would like to take it all back. If you spend a lot of time together like you do, don't you think after a year you know the real person? I think the question is... how long does it take to know the real them. Good and bad.
anne1707 Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 It's not just about getting to know the other person. As you get older, you also get to know yourself better and what makes you tick, what you want in life and how to deal with relationships. With this growth and maturity, I think it is possible to know you have found the one for you in a shorter period of time and be more confident in that decision.
forrest Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Start thinking about it almost immediately I would say. Once I am in a relationship, I note the not-so-positive behavior of my SO and think if I could live with her for the next 50 years. If not, it's time to move on. And I don't mean break it off at one thing that goes wrong. I have to take the whole person as a package and think about it. In regards to getting engaged, probably at least 2 years for myself. Once you get past the honeymoon period, which can last several months or longer (hence why I don't get how people can get married after 3 months), it can go really south or stay great.
nice-easy-day Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 It's not just about getting to know the other person. As you get older, you also get to know yourself better and what makes you tick, what you want in life and how to deal with relationships. With this growth and maturity, I think it is possible to know you have found the one for you in a shorter period of time and be more confident in that decision. Interesting because the couple that I know who were engaged after three months and ended up with a wonderful marriage were both in their 40's and know what they wanted.
Author zengirl Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 It's not just about getting to know the other person. As you get older, you also get to know yourself better and what makes you tick, what you want in life and how to deal with relationships. With this growth and maturity, I think it is possible to know you have found the one for you in a shorter period of time and be more confident in that decision. I think this is an excellent point, anne1707. For my situation, I had just gone through a growth period for myself for several years before meeting this boyfriend. I achieved some of the goals I had for my early twenties and kind of settled on the path for the rest of my life -- in terms of finishing grad school, traveling for almost 2 years and working abroad, and becoming a teacher. Now, I feel like I know where I want my life to go (roughly; I want to teach, find someone to marry, have kids, get my PhD, etc) and I also feel accomplished on my own. So maybe that's part of why being with my current boyfriend has been very smooth and naturally progressing a bit faster than I normally would when I was still working out my own stuff.
yah Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Barring any obvious concerns, I'd say ~1 year. We have differences in religion which might have been a deal breaker so we discussed that topic early on. We just discussed plans (and talked specifics) for the future last night at 15 months. Mid-20s here.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 I don't think 6 months is too soon to start talking about it, but I would want more time to get to know each other before actually getting married. In my relationships, the worst behavior from the guy didn't start to come until 1-2 years in. Up front, they were working hard to be Mr. Perfect. I think it's pretty easy to be "a dream" for the first year, when you're on your best behavior for the most part.
Author zengirl Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 I don't think 6 months is too soon to start talking about it, but I would want more time to get to know each other before actually getting married. In my relationships, the worst behavior from the guy didn't start to come until 1-2 years in. Up front, they were working hard to be Mr. Perfect. I think it's pretty easy to be "a dream" for the first year, when you're on your best behavior for the most part. This makes sense. I also think the 'best behavior' thing is interesting. I don't know if we really do that. Like I said, we don't really have secrets. For me, I consider it a bit suspicious/strange not to see any bad behavior from a guy. I make mistakes, and so do most men, and I like to feel like we're being real with each other. My boyfriend can be forgetful. I can be stressful. It's not like we're always perfect. He's a dream in that we are always able to communicate, have fun, make each other happier, etc. So far, at least. It's not that we never fight, but we are pretty productive with our fighting and it's the first man I've actually felt good about being with after a fight -- we both work to resolve it, usually. I hadn't thought of that till you mentioned 'behavior.' I do agree now would be WAY too early to actually get married. I guess I was surprised he was even really thinking about it yet, but then it made sense. . . I mean, it's not something you decide all at once.
aerogurl87 Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Generally I think at the 6 month mark you need to look at the person you're with and consider whether or not you have similar goals and outlooks on life that would make a future feasible. If the answer is no, move on. By a year, you should know if you love them enough to have a future with them. If the answer is no, then once again end it. I don't think 6 months is too early to start discussing the future with your significant other in your situation. You said you two already spend alot of time together and have basically commingled your lives together, so discussing the future at this point seems natural to me. My boyfriend and I started discussing the possibility of moving in together at the 6 month mark and I didn't feel it was too soon. Your boyfriend probably just wants to know that this relationship is going somewhere, especially if he's investing alot into it right now.
eerie_reverie Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 I hope in addition to all the compatibility stuff, you're in love with him.
Author zengirl Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 I hope in addition to all the compatibility stuff, you're in love with him. Oh, yes. I'm in love with him, and he with me. I don't think that's enough to build a future on all by itself, especially at this stage -- we're still in the "honeymoon" stage and part of the love is likely still chemical. Got to wait for that to fade before you know if it's lasting love, no? Maybe I'm too analytical about all that.
Cee Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 I've had that conversation twice in my life. The first guy it was after about a year and a half. We talked about what we wanted. He said he wanted a future and I realized that I didn't. I ended it soon after. The second time, it was after 2 years. It was a general conversation about living together in the future. We had repeated conversations in the next couple of years and it was evident we were meant to be together. We ended up breaking up, but that is a tragic story not related to this thread. I'd say wait at least a year or two. Love does either deepen or die over time.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Got to wait for that to fade before you know if it's lasting love, no? Maybe I'm too analytical about all that. I think you're very smart to THINK as well as feel. Every guy I've been with seriously expressed his intention and hope to marry me. And in about the first year, when he's a ball of energy on fire to prove he's your guy, it's a hard notion to resist. But in my experience, the real truth about people takes time to unfold to you, and the beginning of the unfolding of real truth coincides with the decline of infatuation and mating chemicals.
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