"it's not you, it's them"

[nice-easy-day]

Being the holidays I've been reflecting on past relationships. There have been a couple of girls come along in my life that when I look back I say to myself "what were you thinking not going after that girl"? Has anyone else in here wanted to kick themselves in hindsight?

 

Thing is, I didn't bail on them because of something wrong with them. Usually, I was just busy with other 'things' in life and didn't want to invest in a relationship. I've learned over time that when a decent girl comes along to take a long hard look.

 

My point is: we take rejections in dating too personal. You all know what I'm talking about, when you get a few awesome dates with someone and they seem to disappear. You don't always have to blame yourself. Most likely, it's "them, not you".

 

So is it fair to say that some people have a habit of running from relationships? That no matter who you are or how the dates went chances are you'd be left in the dust anyway? I've done it. Anyone else?

[zengirl]

I do think part of what makes a relationship work is being in the same "head space" so I think you have a point.

 

At the same time, if you see a hundred dollar bill on the street, you're going to put in a little effort to pick it up. The truth is, if someone is awesome enough -- and you have the ability to recognize their awesomeness -- you're going to work for them, regardless of your life situation. You're going to work till you think the work supercedes the worth.

 

Now just because someone else doesn't see your worth doesn't mean it isn't there, but it means that relationship isn't going anywhere.

[nice-easy-day]

I agree, but what I think happens with me at times is I don't see the $100 bill until it's been blown across the street.

[zengirl]

I agree, but what I think happens with me at times is I don't see the $100 bill until it's been blown across the street.

 

Then you didn't deserve it. No worries. They'll be another one along eventually; try to keep your eyes open, if this is something you care about.

[nice-easy-day]

What about running across the street and getting it?

[zengirl]

What about running across the street and getting it?

 

Maybe, if it's still available. Personally, I'd never date someone who hadn't noticed me right away. But many girls would. All depends.

[mo mo]

I've been with a few women that ran from me for no apparent reason. They were all in their early 20s so they probably all wanted to date around and not commit to anyone or anything.

[nice-easy-day]

Would you date someone that noticed you (and made it known)... but you didn't notice them? Later on you start to notice them?

[zengirl]

Would you date someone that noticed you (and made it known)... but you didn't notice them?

 

I know this happens to people, but it has never happened to me---where at first I didn't think much of a guy and then I changed my mind. I usually know from the get-go, which is maybe why I expect the same. At my age (by your mid-twenties) at least. It's different if you're in high school or college and still getting to know yourself.

[nice-easy-day]

I know this happens to people, but it has never happened to me---where at first I didn't think much of a guy and then I changed my mind. I usually know from the get-go, which is maybe why I expect the same. At my age (by your mid-twenties) at least. It's different if you're in high school or college and still getting to know yourself.

 

Hasn't happened to me either. Unless there was initial attraction right at the start. I've had initial attraction, it died, and then came back though.

[zengirl]

Hasn't happened to me either. Unless there was initial attraction right at the start. I've had initial attraction, it died, and then came back though.

 

But how can you ever trust it then? How could she? Who's to say it wouldn't die again? If you just let it die the first time, why would you invest in it later?

[nice-easy-day]

I've been with a few women that ran from me for no apparent reason. They were all in their early 20s so they probably all wanted to date around and not commit to anyone or anything.

 

I met a couple of girls where we hit it off but they had goals to move to a different part of the country for career reasons (which they did eventually). They wouldn't move forward with the relationship even though I know they liked me. I guess they were just being responsible

[nice-easy-day]

But how can you ever trust it then? How could she? Who's to say it wouldn't die again? If you just let it die the first time, why would you invest in it later?

 

Good point. The only answer I can give is that sometimes people go through things in life and it might not have been the best time to try to start a relationship. Mind you, I'm talking about STR's that never turned into anything meaningful.

 

For a LTR I would say you're spot on.

 

There is this one girl that I can think of who I dated for awhile but she said her life was too hectic to spend a lot of time with me. So I bailed. Would I give it another chance? You bet I would... but yes, I would be a little suspicious at first.

[mo mo]

Good point. The only answer I can give is that sometimes people go through things in life and it might not have been the best time to try to start a relationship. Mind you, I'm talking about STR's that never turned into anything meaningful.

 

For a LTR I would say you're spot on.

 

There is this one girl that I can think of who I dated for awhile but she said her life was too hectic to spend a lot of time with me. So I bailed. Would I give it another chance? You bet I would... but yes, I would be a little suspicious at first.

 

Wow, you perfectly described a situation I had about 2 years ago. The girl seemed awesome, but she never had the time for me, so we split. We started hanging out again, we split again. We hung out again, months later, after she came looking for me, and it was a little weird. I was very suspicious and did not let myself get too close, even though she did seem much more interested that time around. She started getting flaky again.

 

I think it's weird that people who are so busy would even consider dating anyone. Even if you are seeing the SO once a week, those kinds of things do take an emotional toll on people, so it really does take more time and energy than a few hours one day a week.

[nice-easy-day]

Wow, you perfectly described a situation I had about 2 years ago. The girl seemed awesome, but she never had the time for me, so we split. We started hanging out again, we split again. We hung out again, months later, after she came looking for me, and it was a little weird. I was very suspicious and did not let myself get too close, even though she did seem much more interested that time around. She started getting flaky again.

 

I think it's weird that people who are so busy would even consider dating anyone. Even if you are seeing the SO once a week, those kinds of things do take an emotional toll on people, so it really does take more time and energy than a few hours one day a week.

 

Yep, I met this girl online. We hit it off for a few weeks but she was always busy with work full time and school part time so I think there was at least some validity to her excuses. Anyway, shortly after things started going south between us I noticed she took her profile down. I think she realized she wasn't ready to get involved for reasons I'm not going to get into now.

 

Right now we are not talking but I hope to try again in the future. I guess I'll give her a call in a few months and I hope I get a second chance like you did, because I did fall head over heals for this girl. But sometimes you need to back off the busy girls and give them space. Second chances are great IMO depending on the circumstances.

 

The only bad thing on my side is I did express my feelings for her right at the end when I was grasping for straws. Maybe good, maybe bad. I don't know... but what I DO know is that in a few months she's going to get a phone call from me.

 

BTW I did go out with another girl the other night. It went great and hopefully it works out and I'll forget about this other girl. I am doing the most important thing, which is moving on in life and dating new people. Peace.

Edited December 19, 2010 by nice-easy-day

[shirleypogo]

I think people who are "too busy" to have relationships should stay home, and leave the people who do want to have relationships alone lol.

 

TBH I think second chances are kind of weird. I've had quite a few situations where men have behaved crappy towards me the first time round and then about a year later come crawling back apparently wanting to meet up again.

 

I never say yes, because I think if they didn't recognise me as a $100 dollar bill the first time, then they probably won't now . I read their return as meaning they are bored, or they haven't got anything else going on.

 

Course it would be different if we were talking about true love, or a long term relationship. But for me, if a man has shown me a lack of respect THAT quickly...then...I dunno. It's not even hard to say no. Even if I was really into the guy first time round, by the time the crawl comes, I'm always completely over it.

 

But I think it's true that lots of people don't know what they've got till it's gone.

 

That's why when you find someone good you have to hold onto them

[nice-easy-day]

I think people who are "too busy" to have relationships should stay home, and leave the people who do want to have relationships alone lol.

 

TBH I think second chances are kind of weird. I've had quite a few situations where men have behaved crappy towards me the first time round and then about a year later come crawling back apparently wanting to meet up again.

 

I never say yes, because I think if they didn't recognise me as a $100 dollar bill the first time, then they probably won't now . I read their return as meaning they are bored, or they haven't got anything else going on.

 

Course it would be different if we were talking about true love, or a long term relationship. But for me, if a man has shown me a lack of respect THAT quickly...then...I dunno. It's not even hard to say no. Even if I was really into the guy first time round, by the time the crawl comes, I'm always completely over it.

 

But I think it's true that lots of people don't know what they've got till it's gone.

 

That's why when you find someone good you have to hold onto them

 

I hear ya, but in my situation I don't think I treated her crappy nor did I pass up the $100 bill. I will only chase a girl so much before I feel like I'm bothering her. Such is the case. If I called her up in a couple months it would be for HER to give a second chance. Know what I'm saying? But serioulsy I'm moving on, dating women, starting up my own business, and picking up new hobbies. I'm fine. If nothing else I'd like to call her up to show her what she missed out on..... bad I know.

 

BTW, I've gone back to many of my old flames and had success... not romantically but we always talked and met up as friends.

[mr.dream merchant]

I agree, but what I think happens with me at times is I don't see the $100 bill until it's been blown across the street.

 

What if you feel like YOU yourself is that $100 bill...and you get let down easily, but basically rejected either way you look at it...and you take it as a blow to your ego to a certain extent. How to get over that? Is that still a "it's not you, it's them" type of deal? Or do I just need to get off of my high horse? Because I was on my P's and Q's with this girl, and she fell..hard and quick. But then slowly decided to distance herself and now we don't share contact.

 

For her, who knows, she's non-existent, but for me...I'm just kind of floored...like "wow, I went in and still got rejected". Meh *shrugs*, guess the more important thing for me to do at this point is not care and move on to other women, but the fact that she nexted me, given all the things I was on top of, it blows my mind lol.