fellhard4u Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Hello All, I'm the OW involved in an A with a MM that started last March and which had its latest ending on Friday. I never wanted to be an OW and made this clear to MM from the very beginning of our "relationship" and I foolishly believed that our "connection" and love for each other meant that he would choose to spend the rest of his life with me. MM and I work together and have to interact on a daily basis. The A went through several endings, but somehow MM and I always gravitated back to each other and it has been the most painful, confusing and humiliating experience in all my years on this earth. I have never cried so much in my life as with this A. Despite MM's statements in the past about wanting to stop the A and work on his marriage, he's kept coming back to me to be "friends", because he missed the emotional intimacy and physical affection that we shared. I quickly learned that being "friends" with MM meant more pain and heartache. Time and again he crossed (and I let him cross!) the boundaries and indulged his need for physical contact and for that "connection", however, it had to be all on his terms. As soon as I mentioned being together for real or expressing the desire to spend more time with him, he put on his righteous face and let me know that he couldn't/wouldn't be able to do that because he wanted to do the right thing and because he was "working on his marriage". When this happened, he usually would break up with me and be distant and cold, only to come sniffing around a few weeks later telling me how he missed me and with another offer to be "friends". There were 2 near Ddays in the past and BW called me a few weeks ago to ask what was going on between her husband and me. I thought I did the right thing by denying that there was any improper relationship between MM and myself and that he loved his family very much. I felt so sorry for her and didn't want to cause more damage than had already been done. Had there been any hope that MM would leave his marriage to be with me, I would probably have told her the truth. However, since I knew that MM would choose to stay in his M, I chose not to tell her. I thought there was no point to doing so. Ever since that day, I've regretted not telling her the truth though. MM's behavior has been unfair and insincere to both BW and to me. So, in the last few days, after another instance of hypocrisy on his part, I became really angry at MM and I was the one who ended things. He sounded perplexed when I told him we could no longer have any emotional intimacy and that the occasional physical affection had to stop. I asked him to leave me alone and to stay away from me. Even after all that, he still tried to grab my hand and kiss me; I allowed him to do neither. He also brought me flowers, which only further made me angry and confused. Since I knew that MM would not be able to leave me alone, I decided to help the cause a little. I left the flowers MM gave me in front of the door of his house with a note attached to BW. The note said that MM gave me the flowers the day before and that I didn't want them. It also said that I believed he should have given these to BW. Did I do the right thing?
Carrot2000 Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 I don't think what you did was wrong, but a better way to handle it would have been to contact her directly and tell her the truth. Your approach makes it possible for MM to lie his way out of things and continue to gaslight her.
scatterd Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 I think you did the right thing now he will leave you alone so you can heal and his wife can make her mind up on what she wants to do with life now she has the info.Alot of times the wife knows something is going on but has no way of proving it so they stick around hoping that things will change or they will find out its painful for all involved.Do not beat yourself up move on and find someone that can give you what you deserve a whole relationship.Take care of yourself and big hugs.
calliope Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Hi fellhard. I can totally relate to your situation. I work w/MM also and we've had many endings, only to have him come back to me every time. I really feel for you... I don't know what advice to offer b/c he actually fessed up to our A and did leave home 2 wks ago. He stayed with me for 2 days, then went back home. We've been doing NC outside work and very LC at work. It's killing me to see him, but there's no other option. I'm sure you did what you felt you had to do, whether anyone here thinks it's right or wrong. Hopefully now you'll be able to move on and try to get over this. It won't be easy, but there's a lot of good people here to offer a shoulder for you... Take care.
Author fellhard4u Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 If BW contacts me again, I will most definitely tell her the truth about what happened between MM and myself. At least she will then have the information she needs to make a decision about what to do with her marriage. Who knows, this may turn out to be the turn-around for them to really work on their marriage. As to MM, I think he's just too weak and cowardly and he'll probably leave it to BW to choose what to do about their marriage. I'm so done with him.
scatterd Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 I hope she did receive the flowers it may be he did but either way you made your point you are done.It is not unusual for the MM to get fed up when they are asked for more thats when the OW starts to open her eyes and feels pain.He is selfish he wanted his cake and to eat it to and I do think his wife will be blamed.His wife could call again to find out more so don't be surprise if she does.I think what you did was the best for both you and his wife he does not have the upper hand now.Keep posting and you will get allot of good advice here I have a feeling you have not heard the last of him or her.
Author fellhard4u Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 Thank you all for reading and replying to my post. I appreciate any comments and points of view and thank everyone for their support. MM caused me so much pain that I actually feel relieved that things are going to be really over. MM gave me so little during our A and I already cried all the tears that I felt I ever had while the A was ongoing, so I consider that no longer having him in my life is not going to be that painful. I also feel empowered because by me leaving the flowers, I feel like I took my power back and restored some balance in what was a toxic and unfair situation.
Author fellhard4u Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 Calliope, I feel for you and know exactly how painful this is. I felt that after each ending and the inevitable getting sucked back into the A, MM had less and less consideration for my feelings and each time, I lost another piece of my dignity and self-respect. We all have our own threshold to endure pain and you'll be able to keep things ended when YOU are ready for it and have had enough. Wishing you strength and sending you big hugs. You deserve better. We all do, including the BW.
scatterd Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 You sound like you have thought about this for awhile.Now you have your power back don't let him try to take it away again .I think you will do fine and come out a better and stronger person from this.So many times on here woman have asked if they should tell I am the one that always says yes I think it gives the power back to the woman and makes the been face their marriage problems straight on.After this is done you will be able to give advice on weather the OW should tell or not and why.
Author fellhard4u Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 I feel that my emotional separation from MM started when he first ended things back in May after the first near Dday. After the realization that he was so quick to dump me and throw me under the bus without any consideration for my pain or my needs, and after overcoming the intense sorrow and disbelief that another human being could be so callous with my heart, I became more and more disenchanted with him. Yet, I'm guilty of being a willing participant in continuing the relationship, despite knowing better. I'm determined to work through this and I hope that at some point I'll be able to forgive myself.
Author fellhard4u Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 Hi Scattered, thanks for your reply. Yes, I've been processing this for a while now. Although this is my first time posting anywhere, I've been reading this forum and the Infidelity one since June. I guess that before I was still too wrapped up in the A to be able to write about it. I've also been reading OW and A forums on other sites, but the advice and level of insight that's provided by posters here on LS are what made me choose this place over the others.
scatterd Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 In time you will feel better and forgive your self you have learned something from this.Life is full of lessons and we all make bad choices but if we learn from them thats what matters.No one is perfect but making right out of our wrongs is how we grow.I'm sure next time you will not want this again and now you have a chance to find what you really deserve.Their is someone out there for you and maybe what you have been through will make you appreciate the relationship more.Maybe you needed to learn this for your future the one you really are meant to be with.
scatterd Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 yes this is a good site and the people here are honest and have good intentions they don't tell you what you want to hear but thats what makes it better then most.Allot have been through the same thing or have been on the other side of the stick so you hear it from each view.I hope you get what you need here so you can heal better and hopefully faster.
BB07 Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Welcome to LS fellhard! I hope you find the encouragement and support you need here. From reading your posts I think given some time you are going to be just fine. I know you are in pain right now but you have made a decision and kudo's to you for that. You've taken yourself back and decided you deserve better and that is always cause for celebration.
siuys Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 fellhard, i think you're doing great. My A with xMM started in Feb this year and I wish I had the strength to do what you did. If I had done that the first time he threw me under the bus, I wouldn't still be dealing with this **** now. I never wanted to hurt his W, and always had hopes of us working out. I guess it's because xMM moved out for 6 months. In any case, I think what you did will definitely help you move forward, whether or not she contacts you. And if she does, like you said, then tell her the truth. He will definitely leave you alone which means you can truly move on without hope and all the associated drama. Well done.
Author fellhard4u Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 Siuys, it did take me many months of going through the pain caused by the abnormal situation of being in an A before I was able to do this. And still, as you can read in my first posting, and although I think it was the right thing to do, there's a piece of me that resisted doing something so drastic. I never wanted to hurt BW wife or MM. However, I really wanted to avoid MM coming back to me for more A when the urge struck him again. I wanted to make sure that he knew I was done and that I would no longer suffer in silence and let myself be used. Also, after talking with BW on the phone a few weeks ago and listening to her say that she thought that they had a good M, it became increasingly clear to me that MM was not being sincere with her; he never gave HER a chance to work on the marriage since she didn't know until recently that he was missing something in their relationship. I have not heard anything back from either of them as of yet.
Author fellhard4u Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 Scattered, I will most definitely never ever be part of an affair again. And yes, maybe one of the good things to come out of this will be that I now know what I don't want in a relationship and in a partner. As I told MM in one of our many conversations about a possible future together: at this point in my life, I don't want a relationship that's just ok, I want and am prepared to work for a relationship that's really good.
siuys Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 fell, what do you hope to gain from the conversation? curious... i am sure you would rather not have told his wife, but hey, it's done now and you for sure he will probably never pester you again and that is a good thing! hang in there. For me, telling the wife thing is my trump card if xMM turns nasty. Not because his W will kick him out (she may) but I know i will inflict A LOT OF PAIN on him and people he cares about. It's a very nasty thing for me to do and I would only do it if he turns nasty. But i doubt i'll ever have to.
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