lightseeker Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Hello all, Been a lurker for a while. Here is my story. 2.5 years ago I reconnected with a man I had known in my twenties. At that time (15 years ago) he had been deeply in love with me to the extent that he had asked me to marry him a number of times. I had not been interested him in that way at that time, but I had pursued a short physical and intellectual relationship with him. However eventually I broke his heart. The intensity of his feelings was hard to handle at the time and I had to break away. Fast forward to nearly 15 years later, and I bumped into him at an event. I was immediately extremely attracted to him, which caught me completely unawares. I had a huge emotional response to seeing him again, and believe I fell in love with him on the spot. We went for a drink and got on well very again, but didn't see each other again for a while. Another fast forward and towards the end of that year we began what I thought would be a relationship. It turned out however that he had a girlfriend at the time, but my feelings were very strong and I trusted him completely that he would sort it out, going on what I knew of him from the past. Over the next few weeks we developed a physical relationship and I haven't been the same person since then. What has followed has been the most extraordinarily earth shattering relationship of my life and not in a good way. His relationship with his girlfriend eventually ended, but not until five months after he had secretly started relationship with *another* woman, who I believe he loves. I found out about this by accident, via an open laptop and an open email thread between them. I confronted him about it immediately, but he told me that there wasn't anything going on between them. He still pursued me via email and texts. My friends noted that he seemed to be actively seeking real intimacy, not just sex, from me. A couple of friends even thought it was me he really loved in this bizarre triangle. Meanwhile I was totally and thoroughly hooked. I found out later on that he was indeed 'going out' with this latest woman, by asking him following a hunch, and the shock of that paralysed me. I took up smoking again, and 1.5 years later am smoking more heavily than ever. The sense of betrayal, of not just me, shocked me to my core. The lack of honesty was astounding. But unfortunately I was as deeply in love as ever. Over the last 1.5 years, we have met up about once a month or more (despite his new relationship), and have a really nice time. It's kept at that pace of meeting-up, as I have been holding him at arms length…and this seems to have become the established pattern. (He would often ask to meet up and I would say no, that I was busy etc). There have been a number of times I have said not to contact me as my needs weren't being met, but we have always reconnected eventually. However, over the last while it has become clear to me that this situation will never changed. I finally confessed to him last month the depth of my feelings and since then he has finally begun to take some responsibility for the situation - that is why I shared my feelings with him, to induce some action from him - one way or the other. I have just seen him again recently, and I am frighteningly down about the outcome. We had a nice time, etc, great/passionate sex etc. But in the course of the evening he told me he had been thinking a lot about how deep my feelings were for him and he had felt concerned about it. He told me that he loves seeing me and everything about it, but that he feels it would be better if I had my own boyfriend so that the focus wouldn't be on him when he cant meet my needs. So, that night, I kept waking up with feelings of dread. Acknowledgement of the truth that he isn't really in love with me. He even said that our relationship will not develop into anything. He was very, very kind when he was saying this and kept holding me, as I do believe that he loves me, but not in the way that I need. I now feel so low it is unreal. When he left yesterday I drank everything in the house to try and ease the pain. (again uncharacteristic behaviour) So, I must move on now. This is very frightening. I feel a lot of the madness on my part was a feeling of the world not being the same since my mother died, in the last few years - and the desire for a child. I am coming to the end of my child-bearing years, and not having had a child is one of the biggest regrets of my life. I believe part of my motivation has been strongly influenced by the belief that I can't let any chance to have a child pass me by. I have had a couple of other dalliances while this has been going on - one quite significant but he was married - but neither led to a relationship. They were relatively happy occurrences and I still friends with both of them. Reading back on this story, I can see how it must seem that I am an absolute masochist. Wierdly, I have never had such relationship trouble. All my previous relationships have been committed long term situations and with any sign of messiness I have been out the door. I just don't understand what's going on with me, why can't I leave this man and believe enough in my own life to continue without him… Has anybody been through something like this and come out strong and a survivor at the other side. It's time I did this, and would really appreciate some advice and hope for the future...
woinlove Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 After reading your first 2 paragraphs, about knowing him 15 years ago and then your reaction upon meeting him again, I immediately thought that you must have been in a more secure, confident place 15 years ago when you rejected him and now he caught you at a more needy time. So, to me it was "of course" when I got to the part about your mother and wanting a child. You are not a masochist. We seek to fulfill some of our greatest hopes, desires, dreams and needs with a romantic partner. You have all those and you reconnected to someone who you were once close to. Unfortunately, he does not sound like a very honest man. I think your quickest route to happiness is doing whatever you can to purge this man from your life. He will not give you what you need, he has even told you that. Yes, it is very difficult to move on when you have fallen so hard, but the sooner you find the resolve to say this has to end, that holding out any hope will only hurt more and longer, the sooner you are on the path to better times. Most people find no contact, absolutely no contact, to be the quickest route.
Author lightseeker Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 Thanks so much for your reassuring reply... I agree, he's not a very honest man. He is hugely charismatic and very successful in his career and highly intelligent. These qualities tend to cloud what should be bright red flags. I think you're absolutely right about being in a more confident place all those years ago. It's true - maybe if I focus on those bits of my life that seem not to be going as planned now it might help. I keep going into shock that I have become involved to this extent with this type of relationship - and with the man who used to crazy things he was so in love with me. It's like I have to go back and re-edit my past. It feels so awful.
Author lightseeker Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 Any more advice/support from others would be most welcome at this time...
MorningCoffee Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 After reading your first 2 paragraphs, about knowing him 15 years ago and then your reaction upon meeting him again, I immediately thought that you must have been in a more secure, confident place 15 years ago when you rejected him and now he caught you at a more needy time. So, to me it was "of course" when I got to the part about your mother and wanting a child. You are not a masochist. We seek to fulfill some of our greatest hopes, desires, dreams and needs with a romantic partner. You have all those and you reconnected to someone who you were once close to. Unfortunately, he does not sound like a very honest man. I think your quickest route to happiness is doing whatever you can to purge this man from your life. He will not give you what you need, he has even told you that. Yes, it is very difficult to move on when you have fallen so hard, but the sooner you find the resolve to say this has to end, that holding out any hope will only hurt more and longer, the sooner you are on the path to better times. Most people find no contact, absolutely no contact, to be the quickest route. I agree with this post, and also would offer that this reconnected relationship may have been a way for you to manifest an awareness for yourself of what you want and need to do to get there. The fact that the relationship with him is so powerful, yet the timing is so bad, there is the question of dishonesty, and most telling to me, your turning to self-destructive crutches (not throwing stones -- I do the same thing!), all point to this as a huge wake-up call. In my case, I have had to deal with (am still dealing with) issues from long, long ago that I had no need to confront until the loves and losses of recent years brought me face to face with them. Unavoidable, my work now, and I believe when I have done it, I will be healthy, the timing will be right and a healthy partner will appear. So, yes, by all means, get free of this entanglement but also rejoice that it has come to you, and awakened your soul so you can get on with your tasks, all preparing to "fulfill some of our greatest hopes, desires, dreams and needs with a romantic partner." Best wishes.
Author lightseeker Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 Thanks for that hopeful reply. It's just so incredibly painful at the moment, and coming up to Christmas too. I don't know how I will manage that quite frankly... I just keep thinking it's too late to manifest those dreams I have in my real life, and I think that thought is paralysing me...keeping me in this relationship...
Author lightseeker Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 Thank you so much :-) That's a lovely psalm too. It really does help to have these messages of support and optimism. You are all being so incredibly kind and non-judgemental. Needless to say, I'm finding it difficult to discuss the issue with friends, and I really need this insightful support from you guys...
Author lightseeker Posted December 22, 2010 Author Posted December 22, 2010 Apologies for the ignorance but what does 'bumping this post' mean? In any case, I'd appreciate a few more views on this situation as I'm still finding it a little difficult - to say the least...
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