Author Dedalus Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 Oh no, I never meant for you to think you should not be on this site!! No, I know! It just occurred to me that most people here have been on the other side of the fence (and probably quite recently). If it's any consolation, it can be horrible for the person who ended it. Really horrible.
Author Dedalus Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 "absence makes the heart grow fonder" no truer statement in all the world. OP I believe that is what you are experiencing. It doesn't mean you should go back to her. True. But I saw her two weeks ago and I ended up bawling my eyes out because I realised what she still meant to me. Maybe I have just been blind these past months?
Author Dedalus Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 I let my perfect mate go. He was perfect, but I knew that I had more growing to do. I had to be alone to become a better person. It was heartbreaking decision, but I had to do it. I don't regret the decision, but I don't think I will ever love anyone as much as I loved him. That's a really interesting thing to hear - it's tragic too, though. Could you tell me more please? Did you break up and never look back or did you second-guess yourself? How did you need to grow? Did you achieve that? Do you ever wonder if you could get back with him, etc. What I can't bear is the thought that I will look back at my ex, in ten years, and rue the day we broke up. I don't think I will find someone so caring again...
westrock Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 I do expect times when things are tough and need work and dedication. Why did you choose to break up instead of working through it with her?
Author Dedalus Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 Why did you choose to break up instead of working through it with her? I don't know. Combination of things... I had been having doubts for a while. That was the main thing. But also, there was a hot girl who wanted to sleep with me and I knew that I could get with her if I broke up. Yes, I know, I know, I'm a ****. It's easy to say that I should leave my ex alone, etc, etc... but I really do miss her.
westrock Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 I let my perfect mate go. He was perfect, but I knew that I had more growing to do. I had to be alone to become a better person. It was heartbreaking decision, but I had to do it. I don't regret the decision, but I don't think I will ever love anyone as much as I loved him. Did he love you? Why did you choose to break up in order to work on yourself rather than staying together and working through your issues together?
westrock Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 But also, there was a hot girl who wanted to sleep with me and I knew that I could get with her if I broke up. Yes, I know, I know, I'm a ****. Dedalus, Have you considered the possibility that you are commitment phobic? Look it up and see if you fit the definition. What were your experiences/role models like growing up regarding relationships (ie. your parents relationship towards you and their own relationship towards each other)?
chloe56 Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 I know a few of us are a little raw here. Everyone feels the loss of a relationship for whatever reason that it ended, we all cope differently. The reason you may be getting harsher words is that, after the emotional upheaval, you are not sure what you want or why you wanted out in the first place. You mentioned that you were relieved for a couple of weeks after BU, was that just because you were out of an uncomfortable situation or because you felt free to do whatever you wanted? Or did you just not want to be with her? Or was she talking about more commitment like marriage/children/dogs/cats? Or did you think you did not deserve her because you felt that you were unable to keep her happy? Or are undeserving of her? Forgive me if I have upset you with any of my questions.
Author Dedalus Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 Dedalus, Have you considered the possibility that you are commitment phobic? Look it up and see if you fit the definition. What were your experiences/role models like growing up regarding relationships (ie. your parents relationship towards you and their own relationship towards each other)? If I am, I have no excuse being one. My parents are still together. That's kind of what I want to work out. Did the relationship end because of my own issues, or was she not right for me. I can't work out what, if anything, made her not right for me... so I am assuming it was my own issues.
Author Dedalus Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 I know a few of us are a little raw here. Everyone feels the loss of a relationship for whatever reason that it ended, we all cope differently. The reason you may be getting harsher words is that, after the emotional upheaval, you are not sure what you want or why you wanted out in the first place. You mentioned that you were relieved for a couple of weeks after BU, was that just because you were out of an uncomfortable situation or because you felt free to do whatever you wanted? Or did you just not want to be with her? Or was she talking about more commitment like marriage/children/dogs/cats? Or did you think you did not deserve her because you felt that you were unable to keep her happy? Or are undeserving of her? Forgive me if I have upset you with any of my questions. Yeah, I realise I do deserve that. I am annoyed with myself; if I was someone reading my words, I'd give them pretty curt answers. Predictably enough, I don't know why I felt the relief at first. I had been thinking about breaking it off for a while, but I hadn't because when I thought about it I didn't know why I wanted to end it. And I still didn't, even when I did break up. Having someone waiting in the wings probably helped the pain. But it also potentially just deferred it. The whirlwind with the other woman is over, maybe I am only now properly facing up to what I did. But, at the same time, I did have doubts even before I knew this other woman... The ex wasn't big on commitment chat, no - so it wasn't that. She was also fairly low maintenance. I never felt like I wasn't keeping her happy really. Maybe I feel like I don't deserve her... I certainly think she is more mature than me and a better person.
chloe56 Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Hmm, you are just going through BU pain now perhaps. What if you were just plain bored? Bear with me on this, you meet a lovely girl, things are so great that you move in together shortly meaning: 1.You felt safe with each other 2.You like each other that much 3.You get along that well 4. You don't bow to peer pressure (well by living together when your friends are not doing that) A couple of years down the line, like with every relationship, you know each other very well, and you are thinking is this it? Is this all I get?
Author Dedalus Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 Hmm, you are just going through BU pain now perhaps. What if you were just plain bored? Bear with me on this, you meet a lovely girl, things are so great that you move in together shortly meaning: 1.You felt safe with each other 2.You like each other that much 3.You get along that well 4. You don't bow to peer pressure (well by living together when your friends are not doing that) A couple of years down the line, like with every relationship, you know each other very well, and you are thinking is this it? Is this all I get? There's maybe an element of truth in that, yep. Maybe the initial relief was also just because the pain of the break up was being masked by the new woman. I wish I'd tried to work it out better before. Now it's too late to work stuff out; if I ask for her back I have to be totally sure and totally committed...
chloe56 Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 I wish I'd tried to work it out better before. Now it's too late to work stuff out; if I ask for her back I have to be totally sure and totally committed... Well, maybe. Maybe you just need to let her go, as she just might have moved on. Out of curiousity, how sure are you that she has moved on?
Author Dedalus Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 I wish I'd tried to work it out better before. Now it's too late to work stuff out; if I ask for her back I have to be totally sure and totally committed... Well, maybe. Maybe you just need to let her go, as she just might have moved on. Out of curiousity, how sure are you that she has moved on? She says she has moved on. And she is with a new dude. But... who knows?
chloe56 Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 As in dating someone else? Personally, although I have been asked out I could not get myself to go on any dates. I know I am done with ex, it just felt too soon. I don't know what he is up to, probably having lots of fun, but hey, thats why we are all unique eh?
chloe56 Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Ok then. What if she is just trying to protect herself? This is reaching, I know.
chloe56 Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 By the way, did you tell her why you were breaking up? What you were thinking?
Author Dedalus Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 I think maybe she is trying to protect herself, yeah. Totally legitimately. I didn't really tell her why we broke up. I guess it had felt like we might for a while, without there being any specific, tangible reasons. I look back now and I dunno why we split up to be honest...
chloe56 Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 hey, firstly lots of hugs and kudos for having the strength to look back and analyse. Why don't you talk to her? Maybe you will get closure that way, it will probably be tough to hear what she has to say, be warned. If she has really moved on already means that she might be over you, and has been feeling that way for a while. Sometimes we meet lovely people at the wrong time in our personal growth. Good luck.
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