Dedalus Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Imagine you are with a person who is perfect. You wouldn't change a thing about them; they are intelligent, really attractive, fun to be with, caring, share some of your interests, are independent but loving, and just generally wonderful. If someone asked to describe their faults you would really struggle to do so. But... your instincts are to get out. You care deeply for this person, but it doesn't feel like you expect love to feel. You care for them so much, yet although there is no logical reason you have doubts. Nevertheless, on paper this person is perfect, so you question yourself and stay together for years. I would love to hear from anyone who has been in this situation. Did you stay together and did the love grow stronger? Did you break up and move on? Did you break up and regret it? Why do you think you held back and felt this doubt? And for anyone else who would like to offer advice, you've probably guessed I have been / am in this situation. I would love to hear any insights...
Sarah1977 Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 If I had to guess, I think you watch too many movies.
DontWorryBHappy Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 It doesn't matter how many good qualities the person has... if you cant put your heart into the relationship then staying in it isnt fair to you or your partner. And just because someone is "perfect" doesnt mean they are for you (and no one is perfect, by the way). Personally, i think a little imperfection makes life interesting... but that's just me.
Author Dedalus Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 If I had to guess, I think you watch too many movies. Why? Unrealistic expectations about love? You might be right, but I would like to feel something a bit stronger than affection and caring...
Author Dedalus Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 It doesn't matter how many good qualities the person has... if you cant put your heart into the relationship then staying in it isnt fair to you or your partner. And just because someone is "perfect" doesnt mean they are for you (and no one is perfect, by the way). Personally, i think a little imperfection makes life interesting... but that's just me. That's the thing, I didn't stay in it. But now I miss her. I would like to try to get her back, but I can't figure out whether my level of feelings for her was normal...
Sarah1977 Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Why? Unrealistic expectations about love? You might be right, but I would like to feel something a bit stronger than affection and caring... Then dump her. I don't see what the issue is here. Honestly, if it's guilt that is keeping you with her, realize that she's probably better off without. You'd be doing her a favor.
Author Dedalus Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 Then dump her. I don't see what the issue is here. Honestly, if it's guilt that is keeping you with her, realize that she's probably better off without. You'd be doing her a favor. I dumped her. After almost three years. But now I miss her and when I think back, I remember the fantastic times and what a wonderful person she is. I would die for this girl, I know that. But I had doubts about being together when I was in the relationship...
january2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 IMHO, missing her and remembering the fantastic times and what a wonderful person she is, are not necessarily good reasons to reconnect with her. You had doubts previously while you were in the relationship, what has changed that makes you think you won't have doubts again if you're back together? You're at risk of breaking her heart a second time and, from experience, a second time breakup can be a lot more devastating. I suggest that, if you really do care about her, then let her go. She deserves to be with someone who either doesn't have doubts or someone who may have doubts but is willing to work through them while still being in the relationship rather than waiting until after he's broken her heart before deciding that he'd made a mistake and wants a second chance.
Sarah1977 Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 I suggest that, if you really do care about her, then let her go. She deserves to be with someone who either doesn't have doubts or someone who may have doubts but is willing to work through them while still being in the relationship rather than waiting until after he's broken her heart before deciding that he'd made a mistake and wants a second chance. I second this.
Author Dedalus Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 IMHO, missing her and remembering the fantastic times and what a wonderful person she is, are not necessarily good reasons to reconnect with her. You had doubts previously while you were in the relationship, what has changed that makes you think you won't have doubts again if you're back together? You're at risk of breaking her heart a second time and, from experience, a second time breakup can be a lot more devastating. Why do you think missing her is not a good reason to reconnect? (That's a genuine questions by the way, I'm not being hostile). I think the thing that has changed is knowing how I feel without her, if that makes sense. Beforehand I perhaps thought the grass was greener, etc... now I know that when I am not with her, even after four months, I miss her terribly. I am not going to ask her unless I am certain because I absolutely will not break her heart again. I didn't want to the first time... But that's the problem: I am struggling to find certainty either way, while constantly missing her, wanting to be with her, etc.
january2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Why do you think missing her is not a good reason to reconnect? (That's a genuine questions by the way, I'm not being hostile). The devastating consequences of you getting back with her when you still feel like this (my bold): I am struggling to find certainty either way, while constantly missing her, wanting to be with her, etc. To be honest, what I see here is all about you and what you want. You miss her. You want to be with her. Yet you are still uncertain. And uncertainty is why you should let her go. Uncertainty equals confusion. When someone doesn't know what they want, they can end up causing a lot of damage and can hurt their loved one just as badly as if they'd purposely wanted to cause the pain. In my opinion, caring for someone means wanting what is best for them even if that best option is not ourselves. I can see that you still have strong feelings for her. And ultimately, it's her decision whether or not to take you back. However, if she's already moved on with her life, then let her be. Don't torture her and drag her backwards in her recovery. Let her go and move on with your life. For her sake and your own.
chloe56 Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Hi again, My ex, I haven't spoken to him in 4months neither has he contacted me, I am just trying to rationalise his thought process to myself and then explain to you as best as I can.... He was not happy, he wanted to be free to go anywhere with his mates whenever he wanted and I guess having me (his ball and chains) was something he could do without, I guess he felt smothered as well, most of his friends were single and fancy free. I loved him deeply, but started seeing the doubts on his face, I tried very hard to make it work. It did not work.He left. I am picking myself off the floor now, and trust me, if he should waltz back into my life right now, in the way you are feeling now, I would know. It would more than likely break me. I hope this sort of helps you understand the other side of the story, the reason YOU need to know what you WANT before trying to get back into her life. By the way, when you meet the person you want to be with, you will know. You will have no doubts, this person could be less pretty and/or intelligent than your ex but it will not matter to you. Please sort yourself first.
Seamless74 Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Only acceptable reason to go back to this girl would be if you wanted to get married to her and spend the rest of your life together, other than that leave her alone. Just because your not getting any from anyone else does not mean your meant to be together,, abscense makes the heart grow fonder but absense (how the **** do you spell this word lol.) without any sex makes your decision making rather cloudy:confused:.. Be nice and dont get her all stirred up together just to realize that there was a reason that it didnt work out between you too already thats just mean... Dont be mean to nice girls..
chloe56 Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 absence? You are absolutely right Seamless.
Author Dedalus Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 Only acceptable reason to go back to this girl would be if you wanted to get married to her and spend the rest of your life together, other than that leave her alone. Just because your not getting any from anyone else does not mean your meant to be together,, abscense makes the heart grow fonder but absense (how the **** do you spell this word lol.) without any sex makes your decision making rather cloudy:confused:.. Be nice and dont get her all stirred up together just to realize that there was a reason that it didnt work out between you too already thats just mean... Dont be mean to nice girls.. I'm sleeping with another girl. She's smoking hot, but she's not my ex... and I miss my ex, even when I am with this other girl. My ex is also seeing someone, by the way. So if I was going to try to win her back it'd have to be a real, concerted effort.
loverofloveandstuff Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 I dumped her. After almost three years. But now I miss her and when I think back, I remember the fantastic times and what a wonderful person she is. I would die for this girl, I know that. But I had doubts about being together when I was in the relationship... classic "don't realise what you have until it's gone" syndrome. If you really believe you won't hurt her again, try and win her back. Sometimes people really do learn a second time. If you have the slightest doubt in your mind, do the right thing, save her the heartbreak and let her go.
sammyd Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Well, like you mentioned, i'd have said it was 'grass is greener' syndrome! Are you still in contact with her? Seeing as you're still not 100% certain, i think you should leave it longer to think about it some more. It may be that you're just missing having someone around, missing contact with someone. . etc . You need to be certain before approaching her again about this. To be unsure would be unfair on her, and of course there is always the chance that she may not want to enter the realtionship again, or has moved on. . .
Author Dedalus Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 Hi again, My ex, I haven't spoken to him in 4months neither has he contacted me, I am just trying to rationalise his thought process to myself and then explain to you as best as I can.... He was not happy, he wanted to be free to go anywhere with his mates whenever he wanted and I guess having me (his ball and chains) was something he could do without, I guess he felt smothered as well, most of his friends were single and fancy free. I loved him deeply, but started seeing the doubts on his face, I tried very hard to make it work. It did not work.He left. I am picking myself off the floor now, and trust me, if he should waltz back into my life right now, in the way you are feeling now, I would know. It would more than likely break me. I hope this sort of helps you understand the other side of the story, the reason YOU need to know what you WANT before trying to get back into her life. By the way, when you meet the person you want to be with, you will know. You will have no doubts, this person could be less pretty and/or intelligent than your ex but it will not matter to you. Please sort yourself first. It's interesting to hear from the other side... and I'm sorry to hear about your situation - it can't be easy. I did think some of those things: am I missing out? why can't I just hang out with friends? what about that girl...? etc, etc. But now, after a few months, I have realised that none of that stuff is as good as what we had. I am not gonna ask for her back unless I am sure, don't worry about that. And yes, I know I need to figure out what I want... but right now I just want her. I'd like to believe I will 'just know' when I meet the right person, but call me cynical... I don't think it works like that. I think it takes effort and it takes sacrifice. That's what I wasn't willing to do for my ex, but maybe now I am ready... I appreciate your posting to help someone like me btw... I feel bad being on this site in a way, like I don't deserve the support and help I'm getting after breaking someone's heart.
chloe56 Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Oh no, I never meant for you to think you should not be on this site!!
nice-easy-day Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 "absence makes the heart grow fonder" no truer statement in all the world. OP I believe that is what you are experiencing. It doesn't mean you should go back to her.
chloe56 Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Glad you will take your time before deciding on anything. I know the usual cliche phrases, sentences are annoying, but it can be true, as annoying as these cliche sentences etc are. Didn't mean to wind you up, just hoping to prevent two heartaches. Now I sound like a nutter.
westrock Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 But... your instincts are to get out. You care deeply for this person, but it doesn't feel like you expect love to feel. You care for them so much, yet although there is no logical reason you have doubts. Nevertheless, on paper this person is perfect, so you question yourself and stay together for years. A few thoughts for you to think about.... How do you expect love to feel? You describe her as "perfect". How do you describe yourself? Are you "perfect" too? Since you know you are not perfect this results in a perceived imbalance betwen the two of you. Those doubts you are feeling are not about her, but about how you feel about yourself. You would do better to take her off the pedestal and just accept her as-is and acknowledge that she is human like everyone else and has flaws just like you have them. I'm sleeping with another girl. She's smoking hot, but she's not my ex... and I miss my ex, even when I am with this other girl. My ex is also seeing someone, by the way. So if I was going to try to win her back it'd have to be a real, concerted effort. What do you want? It seems nothing can make you happy. You are treating this new woman just as poorly as the first woman. Either resolve to be with your current woman or let her go so that she can find someone who is willing to love her. I think you're basically too late to get your ex back. Your ex is seeing someone else now, so what right do you have to interfere in that?
Cee Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 I let my perfect mate go. He was perfect, but I knew that I had more growing to do. I had to be alone to become a better person. It was heartbreaking decision, but I had to do it. I don't regret the decision, but I don't think I will ever love anyone as much as I loved him.
Author Dedalus Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 A few thoughts for you to think about.... How do you expect love to feel? You describe her as "perfect". How do you describe yourself? Are you "perfect" too? Since you know you are not perfect this results in a perceived imbalance betwen the two of you. Those doubts you are feeling are not about her, but about how you feel about yourself. You would do better to take her off the pedestal and just accept her as-is and acknowledge that she is human like everyone else and has flaws just like you have them. Thanks for your reply. How do I expect love to feel? Good question. I don't think I expect too much; I'd just like it to be clear that I love someone, want to be with them and can make a lifelong commitment to that person. I don't expect constant waves of excitement. I do expect times when things are tough and need work and dedication. I describe my ex as perfect, yes. I accept that she is probably not... but while we were together she never gave me reason to doubt her, she loved me, she has a lot going for her, etc. And me? No, I am not perfect - clearly! I actually think I am not even necessarily a particularly good person and I struggle to be happy. I can be self-centred. However, for all those faults, my ex loved me a great deal. I know I need to work on myself. What do you want? It seems nothing can make you happy. You are treating this new woman just as poorly as the first woman. Either resolve to be with your current woman or let her go so that she can find someone who is willing to love her. I think you're basically too late to get your ex back. Your ex is seeing someone else now, so what right do you have to interfere in that? The new woman was never going to be more than a fling. It's all she wanted, it's all I wanted. I have told her I still have feelings for my ex and she understands that. She's a little disappointed, but not upset. What right do I have to interfere? Well, none. But I will still do it if I think it's the right thing to do. My ex is a sensible girl, if she thinks it's a bad idea she'll tell me and I'll be out on my ass.
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