Jen5655 Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Let's see where this gets me, if anywhere...I'm sorry if it's long, but it's needed. My fiance is 23, and I am 21. We I have been dating for nearly two years, and have been engaged for four months. I lost my virginity to him when we first began dating when I was 20, so needless to say, I'm very attached to him. We just recently moved down to Florida together to try and start a new life. However, things down there didn't work out for us, so we moved back up to where we moved from (Washington State). This has been quite an experience for both of us, but we've remained very strong and close as a couple. When he and I first got together, I heard a lot about his ex girlfriend. And I mean, A LOT. He would often compare me to her (in a good way), saying how much better I was than he and how much more suited I was for him. However, she would get brought up CONSTANTLY. When we were watching a movie, or shopping, or driving down the road, she would get pulled into conversation without warning. They were often stories that he could tell to relate to our current situation. None of the things I heard about her were good in the slightest. He would just tell me horror stories of how horrible of a girlfriend/person she was. Stories about how she cheated on him and manipulated him for so long. They were together for about a year and a half, on-and-off. He was a senior (17 or 18) and she was a freshman (14 or 15) when they met. Let me give you a little information about what he's told me: She was heavy into alcohol and drugs. She dropped out of school in tenth grade. She cheated on him multiple times (once with his old best friend, and once with a girl). They fought constantly (and I mean constantly). They broke up multiple times, and would oftentimes not even date for two or three months between "being exclusive". She claims to have lost her virginity to him, but then would go and have sex with other guys whenever they were on any kind of a break. He claims that he hated her. He's told me that he never loved her, but thought that the constant hot and cold and good and bad was what a relationship was supposed to be like. His parents were big drinkers and fought constantly when he was growing up, and his sister was in and out of bad relationships and had trouble with drugs and alcohol as well. He said it was all he knew, so he clung to the familiarity. He said that he liked the idea that, while she was psychotic, she was very pretty, and he liked knowing that he could get her. She was apparently what all the guys thought was hot, so he thought she was too. She was also very into sex, and he liked knowing that at any time, if he called her, she would come back to him without hesitation. His mother has also told me that she was very manipulative when it came to sex, and would oftentimes use it as a way of stopping fights or keeping him from breaking up with her. She would refuse to wear condoms, claiming that they "irritated her skin", and then would lie to him about using the Nuva Ring. He finally refused to have sex with her, which made her freak out and cheat on him again. He's also told me that she lied to him constantly. He was very against drinking and drugs when he was in highschool, and even for a couple years afterward, and so he would always try to get her clean. She would pretend to get clean for a bit, but then turn around and go behind his back to do them. When he'd find out about it, she'd twist the story around into making him think it was his friends' fault and that she was forced to behave that way. He broke a few close friendships over this. He said that she would TRY to push his buttons to start fights with him. Once the fights were started, she would start sobbing and leave just so that he would chase after her. He's told me that whenever he'd try to end things for good, she'd threaten suicide or self-harm. Seeing as he didn't want the blood of another on his hands, he'd refrain from breaking things off. When he finally decided to end it in May of 2008, she sliced her wrist open with a kitchen knife while holding onto a Build-a-Bear that he had gotten her. He found her, got her help, but then broke all contact with her. Not even two weeks after that incident, she began sleeping with another guy. Three months later, she was pregnant. She tried to make my fiance think that it was his child (even though it was physically impossible), so that was weighing on his mind for the first month or so that we dated. She even tried to contact him for a few months after they split. She would call him and text him constantly, until finally he had to have his number changed just to get rid of her. Since then, she's contacted him once. She sent him a message on MySpace back in December of 2009 that said "I hate you." He read it, deleted it, and blocked her. She's also tried to add him on Facebook numerous times, but he's blocked on there as well. She was engaged to be married to the father of her child, but he dumped her once right before Christmas of '09 (when she sent my fiance the message), and once in July of this year. He's now dating another girl and has bought a house with her. She's since been out with two guys, one who's dumped her numerous times. Needless to say, it was almost all I could do to try NOT to think about this girl. After he stopped bringing her up so much, she would just automatically pop into my head because I would think it's what he was thinking but not saying. So I would bring her up and ask about her. I wanted to know more. I HATED her, but I wanted to know all about her. I once asked to here everything about their relationship, from beginning to end. My fiance didn't mind, although he was weary. We fought about it a few times afterward. I got so angry at him for going back to her as much as he did. For putting up with her malicious ways and for talking so much about her. He told me that if it didn't stop, it would end things between us, so I agreed to stop bringing her up. But then in January of '09, we got into a fight. We were admitting to each other that we had been taking each other for granted and that we had been doing small things that pushed each others' buttons. He said, and I quote, "I hate it when you do that. There's something very "Her Name Here" about that". I froze, and was unbelievably shocked and hurt that he would even think about saying that. He's apologized numerous times, but I just can't get it out of my head. The big kick: I'm now friends with her. For over a year I've been OBSESSED with this girl. I've found every single photo online that anyone could find of her. I found her phone number, address, e-mail, etc. I found baby registries and gift registries for birthdays and holidays. I stalked her Facebook and MySpace daily for months. She seemed so much like me, and yet we seemed like polar opposites. Until one day she added me on Facebook. I messaged her and asked her if I could get to know her. She said she'd love to. We've since been chatting and getting to know one another. We're pretty much friends as this point. I met up with her for lunch one day and we just talked and gossiped and whatever else girls do. She had just gotten her hair done, and she was dressed super "hot". It intimidated me a little, but I have a feeling that's why she did it. My fiance knows about this and has told me that he wants nothing to do with her, which I understand and stand behind. I can see that she's a girl who's like me. A girl who's in pain and insecure and handles it in very different ways. She's nice. We get along. But the memories of everything he's ever said about her. The memories of every time he's ever mentioned her. The memories that aren't even mine about their relationship. I just don't understand how he could deal with her ways for so long if he never truly loved her. And I feel like I can't compete. She's gorgeous, and I feel like even a relationship with so much hatred contained so much passion, which is something that love itself just doesn't seem to capture. It's what every song out there is made of. It's what makes reality shows popular. It won't go away. I've done therapy. I've done yoga. I've talked to every friend and family member I can think of, as well as my fiance. I honestly don't know what else to do... I have breakdowns over this. I've contemplated breaking things off with my fiance. I've contemplated worse... My mind just won't rid itself of her. So I'm hoping that with meeting her, my mind will finally have something tangible to grasp instead of all these images and scenarios I've built up due to insecurity and jealousy. I'm hoping that I'll see just what a horrid person she is, and that I won't feel like I need to compete with her. I'm hoping that I might understand her more so that I can build my own opinion of her instead of relying on what my fiance and his friends and family have told me. His sister was even hurt by her, seeing as his ex tried to break her and her husband up when they first started dating. The worst part: His sister and mother have added her as a friend on Facebook now as well. I don't quite understand this as, while I did add her, I wasn't around to witness everything that she did to that family. I hold no grudges against her other than the fact that my fiance hates her for the kind of person she is. She has a lot of friends, and they post on her Facebook daily about how much they love her. I have quite a few friends, but since I've moved around my whole life, any and all of my best friends live thousands of miles away from me. I would love to have a best girl friend, and for some reason I want it to be her. Since we've hung out, I've been just waiting for the next time I get to see her. I'm not going to allow her to come to where we're living. I'm going to be living with him and a girl that hates her and who she hates, so I don't think she'll even want to come over. I don't know what it's going to take for me to move past this. I feel as though I'm losing my mind. However, this girl isn't what's driving me nuts. This girl has done absolutely nothing wrong to me. I've met her, and I've hung out with her a few times. We get along. We have a lot in common, and it's clear that she's been through a lot. She as a person does not bother me. What bothers me is that I cannot erase everything that my fiance has ever said about her. All the comparisons he's made between her and I. Sure, they weren't comparisons that made her look good, and they even made me look great, but the fact that he felt the need to bring her up so much just made me think that there was something about her that he missed. It made me feel there was something about her that I couldn't replace. Yes, this girl was torture for him. I've also talked to her about it (very minimally), and she's told me that it was awful for her too. She said that she was young and didn't know what she had or wanted. She said that she was selfish and immature and has grown up a lot since then. She knows she hurt him, and she also knows that he won't forgive her and has accepted that. He refuses to EVER speak to her again. He doesn't mind that she and I are friends at all. He just believes that she has ulterior motives other than being my friend. He believes that she's still a manipulator and a liar and that she'll never change. Believe me, if I could erase everything I've ever heard about her from my memory, I would. But I can't. I just saw the video for "Love the Way You Lie" by Eminem/Rihanna, and it instantly made me think of how their relationship must have been. Completely toxic, and completely pointless, but also very passionate. He and I have passion, too, but it's absolutely, 100% different. We love and understand each other, we respect each other and trust each other completely. I love our relationship. But, as I've come to hear, this girl took him on extreme highs and even lower lows. I've never experienced anything like that before. I wouldn't want it - but somehow he did. I know he doesn't miss it (as he's told me), but I just feel like such extreme highs and lows would embed much more into his memory than our Disney-worthy love story would. He's been able to tell me very specific details about certain events that took place while he was with her. Fights with me he's barely been able to remember the causes of, or sometimes that we even had them. Like I said, I just feel like I can't replace that rollercoaster of emotions that she gave him...And her being gorgeous, I know, it shouldn't matter, but it does. It makes me feel like he was SO attracted to her that he just couldn't cut loose for good until it got to be too much. Please don't judge me harshly with this. Believe me, the logical part of me can sit here and rationalize everything to a T, and can tell me everything I'm feeling is absolute hogwash. But the emotional part of me (being a woman doesn't help...) just feels like it's so much more involved. It's much more powerful than anything my mind can rationalize...
sb129 Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Hey I can understand that you are confused. Beyond that I am not quite sure what you actually want. Your post was really well written (and LONG!) but it in itself was quite confusing. You do understand that often people will say bad things about their exes, right? They paint them in a light that may not be especially objective. You guys are all so young- people do crazy things when they are teenagers and in love for the first time. In my opinion its not always the greatest idea to discuss ANY previous relationships with your partner, particularly in the detail you seem to have done. Do you want to continue to be friends with her? Or not?
MzInnocent Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 well Jen,I guess you have taken it too far for your relationship.You need to understand that every person is different in his/her own ways.You are underestimating yourself by thinking that she was any better than you or she had touched his heart in more profound way than you did.You needed to work on your self esteem instead of becoming friends with her which surely is further deteriorating your comfidence in yourself.By befriending her,you are giving out this impression that how badly you are impressed from her and how much shortcomings you have in your personality,among which self confidence is the main. I would suggest you to cut off from her completely or else she might come back to your BF in one or the other way(I strongly believe that your over optimism in this regard that she won't is not appropriate). The reason why he has still not gotten over her is perhaps that she was a big part of his life at one point in past and he still feels that impact.It doesn't necessarily mean that he is any less attracted towards you.He seems to understand that his past GF did have face beuty but at the same time,he is thankful for having someone who had good heart and that is what required in a healthy relationship and he seems to be quite happy being with you.
BellaBellaBella Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Jen, I have found in that in dealing with a person with a past relationship, who has been traumtized, they do share a lot about the previous person. From your story your fiancee was traumtized deeply by his ex girlfriend who was a child at the time and basically so was he. He wasnt emotionally capable of dealing with a girl who was doing harmful things to her self. He trusted you to talk this through. You saw her as a threat and became obessesed by her. I see your behavior as a betrayal to him, by befriending her. She hurt him deeply and yes in an effort to understand you have met a mature person, I think with him being the hurt person, you, his mother and sister should talk to him about being friends with her. The fact is I think you should immediatly unfriend her. This is just fueling your fire and you cannot compare the person she was then, with the person she is now. I would also recommend you getting some couples counseling in regards to your own issues.
Author Jen5655 Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 I'm not planning on becoming best friends with this girl. I know that she hurt my fiance very badly and that he still suffers from the emotional and mental trauma that he went through with not just her but his whole family growing up. I know he shared his story with me because he loves and trusts me. I just wish that I hadn't been the victim of a couple relationships where exes were indeed a problem and I was hurt by it. Because that taught me to look for little red flags regarding over-mentioning of exes - good or bad. I felt that, while he was never saying one kind word about her, he was bringing his past relationship with her into our present, and it hurt. I began comparing myself to her constantly, thinking that he was still thinking about her but just not mentioning her because he knew I'd be sensitive. We'd just be sitting there watching television and a commercial would come on that had something very practical and unrelated, but I would somehow twist it around to relate it to something he had told me. It became a vicious cycle that I still do to this day, even after everything we've been through. I just wish I could erase everything I've ever heard about her. I hate knowing that, even though he hated her, he still slept with her. I remained a virgin for years because I wanted the first and only guy I did it with to be someone I was truly in love with. And here he was, just doing it with her because she was hot and pretty and manipulative, and he was a boy who wanted sex. I feel like she didn't do a thing to earn him and his affections, and here I am doing anything and everything I can to make him happy. People even make remarks on us being in the "perfect" relationship. We hardly ever argue, we love each others' company, and we always do things to make one another happy. We've never taken a break or even considered it. It just makes me feel like I'm in a losing battle with my mind and my self-esteem, which surpasses all logic that I can have.
BellaBellaBella Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 you only lose if you allow yourself to. He appears to be into you and not her. Why not get some counseling and cut off contact. You have made her bigger then life. How about some affirmations. My boyfriend loves and trusts me. My boyfriend want to be with me. I am deserving of my boyfriends love. Something on that order.
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