Is getting comfortable in marriage dangerous?

[aroma]

When you start getting too comfortable in your marriage, i.e being messy, not dressing up to please your partner anymore, gaining weight, swearing, developing annoying habits/manners, not going out on dates anymore, stop being romantic, and so forth,....do you think thats when the relationship starts losing its spark?

 

I know one couple that even after 5 years of marriage, they still act like if they were dating, and they are very much in love. They talk to each other very politely, respect each other's space all the time (are a bit shy with each other), will not use foul language, and when they go out to a movie or restaurant, will dress up nicely. In short, they act as if they were just getting to know each other.

 

It might be a hard one to pull, especially when you live together and kids are in the mix, but it seems to work.

 

Do you think if more people treated the marriage like "eternal dates" there would be less frustrated partners, infidelity, and divorce?

 

I mean, how many times have we heard "she wasn't like that when we dated" or "he used to be so romantic/attentive before marriage"?

 

Or do you think that getting comfortable in a marriage is unavoidable?

[Distant78]

When you start getting too comfortable in your marriage, i.e being messy, not dressing up to please your partner anymore, gaining weight, swearing, developing annoying habits/manners, not going out on dates anymore, stop being romantic, and so forth,....do you think thats when the relationship starts losing its spark?

 

I know one couple that even after 5 years of marriage, they still act like if they were dating, and they are very much in love. They talk to each other very politely, respect each other's space all the time (are a bit shy with each other), will not use foul language, and when they go out to a movie or restaurant, will dress up nicely. In short, they act as if they were just getting to know each other.

 

It might be a hard one to pull, especially when you live together and kids are in the mix, but it seems to work.

 

Do you think if more people treated the marriage like "eternal dates" there would be less frustrated partners, infidelity, and divorce?

 

I mean, how many times have we heard "she wasn't like that when we dated" or "he used to be so romantic/attentive before marriage"?

 

Or do you think that getting comfortable in a marriage is unavoidable?

 

There's nothing wrong with getting comfortable, and besides, it's inevitable anyway. But yes, only if you start being nasty all the time and disrespectful in my opinion, it's a problem. I see nothing wrong with gaining a little weight, but what you're describing is a perfect relationship; something that is false. And infidelity is a separate issue because no one made that person go outside their marriage to mess around.

[mem11363]

Most people REALLY struggle with this. The more "stable/secure" the marriage, the less effort they put into pleasing their partner. Which is why most marriages are IMO - not so happy.

 

We take a similar approach to your friends. It has worked well for 21 years. It is more a "you are my highest priority" thing. And when both people do that you get a good/great outcome.

 

 

 

When you start getting too comfortable in your marriage, i.e being messy, not dressing up to please your partner anymore, gaining weight, swearing, developing annoying habits/manners, not going out on dates anymore, stop being romantic, and so forth,....do you think thats when the relationship starts losing its spark?

 

I know one couple that even after 5 years of marriage, they still act like if they were dating, and they are very much in love. They talk to each other very politely, respect each other's space all the time (are a bit shy with each other), will not use foul language, and when they go out to a movie or restaurant, will dress up nicely. In short, they act as if they were just getting to know each other.

 

It might be a hard one to pull, especially when you live together and kids are in the mix, but it seems to work.

 

Do you think if more people treated the marriage like "eternal dates" there would be less frustrated partners, infidelity, and divorce?

 

I mean, how many times have we heard "she wasn't like that when we dated" or "he used to be so romantic/attentive before marriage"?

 

Or do you think that getting comfortable in a marriage is unavoidable?

[Distant78]

But no marriage will ever be perfect. There's always going to be a point where you will want to just chill or get bored.

[hoping2heal]

Neglecting your health and hygiene is dangerous. Neglecting your partners feelings and emotions is also dangerous.

 

It is one thing to be messy and cuss and tell fart jokes. It is really unfair to both yourself and your partner to stop putting the effort to be clean and properly groomed. Also, a little weight gain is one thing - but just dropping the ball on your health is another totally unfair thing to do to your partner. You are robbing them of quality companionship with you for a few reasons some of them being you reduce your own life expectancy, you reduce your healthy years and in some cases the weight or health problems (they aren't always weight related either) create a barrier for you and your spouse to engage in physical intimacy.

 

Secondly, getting "comfortable" in the sense that you stop caring for your spouse's emotional needs and being thoughtful of them is another unfair thing to do to them. There are all kinds of ways to show your partner you care for them and love them, the least of those being buying her diamonds and flowers and the most of those being putting effort into meeting the needs she communicates to you. If you know that it would mean the world to her to come home on a Friday and have two hours to take a warm bath and have some peace and quiet? Clean the house for her and then take the kids (if applicable) out for dinner or to a park and give her that time. The wife should be thoughtful of the husband in the same manner.

 

No one is perfect and you won't be spot on each and every time - but making the effort to meet one another's needs will be noted and that will make the person feel loved and cared about and it is something that couples at every level and finance range can do for one another.

[xxoo]

I see the examples you gave as more complacent than comfortable. I feel very comfortable in my marriage, but that doesn't mean I don't still get a lot of pleasure out of being attractive to him! In fact, I don't think I could pull off sexy confidently if I weren't so comfortable with him....

[Nikki Sahagin]

I think its impossible to avoid getting comfortable.

[Woggle]

What is so wrong about being comfortable and content? Why do people these days always need stress and drama to feel alive?

[xxoo]

What is so wrong about being comfortable and content? Why do people these days always need stress and drama to feel alive?

 

Good question!

 

Sometimes people don't appreciate what they have. Appreciation goes a long way toward satisfaction in a comfortable relationship. It also keeps us from taking each other for granted, ie: ignoring our appearance, being rude, etc.

[ColumbiaD]

When you start getting too comfortable in your marriage, i.e being messy, not dressing up to please your partner anymore, gaining weight, swearing, developing annoying habits/manners, not going out on dates anymore, stop being romantic, and so forth,....do you think thats when the relationship starts losing its spark?

 

I see the examples you gave as more complacent than comfortable.

 

I wholeheartedly agree with this, and in fact it is exactly what I think the problem is in my own marriage.

 

My husband takes me out on a date maybe 3 or 4 times a year and nothing comes to mind that makes me feel more like having sex with him (my attraction/desire for him is an issue), although a close second would be when he actually helps out around the house.

 

He is constantly farting in front of me, ditto on the burping, though he doesn't seem to burp nearly as often as he farts; he frequently comments on how hot other women are; and basically acts like I am his best guy buddy and not someone he has a sexual relationship with. He has no problem spending an entire meal texting or answering calls when we are out to eat, or spending all his time on his computer or watching tv when we are home together instead of talking to me or hanging out with me, let alone actually paying attention to me or listening to me. There are two semi-major things about me that I know for a fact I have told him several times, and he just in the last week picked up on these things and said he couldn't believe he never knew this about me or that I never mentioned it. We haven't been married long, but have been together quite awhile, and he never used to be like this.

 

I like to wear sweatpants and tshirts, or yoga pants and hoodies when I am at home. The very first time my husband commented on this I stopped. Can't say that he gives me the same consideration when I comment on some behavior or habit of his.

 

He seems to think it's great that he is so "comfortable" in front of me. At least that's how he tries to sell it. I have a hard time believing he would feel the same if I farted in front of him or announced that I had to poop and disappeared into the bathroom for a half hour with my computer or some other reading material.

Edited December 21, 2010 by ColumbiaD

[Jack & Coke]

Getting too comfortable is very dangerous in my opinion. A lot of marriages become a bait and switch when they start letting themselves go or not doing things to make the other person happy anymore. Gotta keep the excitement alive.