sarmad Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 (edited) 4 years with her.... I am just going through the strangest phase of my life and I am just stuck in a no-man’s land. I am unable to forget her, so many things remind me of her… You wont believe it but for the last 5 nights I am constantly dreaming of her. And because of that, every morning that I wake up, I feel so depressed and I feel like crying. I don’t even know if I hate her, after all what she has done to me, hurt me so much and everything, I still imagine her innocent face and smile infront of my eyes and I just feel that I need to forgive her, and I don’t know how to do that either. By hating her, I burn myself all the time and by forgiving her, I miss her so much. I just think that how could she get married so fast, how could she forget me so easily, how could she not care for us, why did she not fight for me…huh… the pain, sometimes its just too much to handle, yet I try, I try my best to move on, to think of what is ahead of me… now these dreams, they keep on killing me, she is always smiling in my dreams and saying goodbye to me and I am always crying and running after her…. Why do people like her exist in this world? Those who use others for their temporary satisfaction, for short-lived joys. Why cant these kind of people see that some are so loyal, so loving and so caring…. I grew our relationship by pouring my blood into its foundation. Every single day was pain and agony, yet I kept on going, kept on nurturing it for her, for the future, yet she just walked over and destroyed everything so easily…. I hate her, I love her… I don’t know…she has lied to me about so many things most importantly about her sincerity to me, her love to me…. I am trying to be strong minded, I try to occupy myself with family, with things that soothe me, yet she is always there, somewhere in the back of mind…. Its not her betrayal that comes infront of my eyes, its her smile, its her softness…. All the logic in the world tells me that she wasn’t good for me, that I was just too good for her, but I just think, that I would have lived as her slave, as long as she kept on holding my hand faithfully and smiling at me…. I guess I just feel a bit lighter by speaking out my mind. I know I will make it through, I just need to forgive myself and let her go, release her somehow…. I just feel so bad when I bad-mouth her, I feel as if I betrayed her, this is how I feel till now, I feel that when I tell you that I hate her, it just kills me. Then I think that how could she forget my love so fast, how could she fall in love so early after me… why? Is she really a psychopath ? is she really not what she seems to be from the outside. Sometimes I worry for her, I just worry that she will destroy her marriage if she doesn’t change her thinking, her ways, why is she never satisfied with just one boy in her life? Huh, so many questions un answered, she left me by cheating on me, by lying to me, by not explaining anything, she didn’t even give our relationship a proper closure…. I don’t know if she is happy right now, she looks for small happy moments in her life and then she destroys them, she goes to other ways…. I think of my fiancé, but its not her who I spent so many years loving and caring, it was she, it was she who was my life, my soul, my blood and my everything…. Does she have no guilt? No remorse on how she treated me? Where is her soul? Where is her shame? Not even once did she say that Sarmad forgive me, I have wronged you, I have treated you like garbage…. Everytime I feel bad, I write an email for her but I end up not sending it…. How could she say to me that “WE are happy” after getting married. How can she be happy by treating me this way, by betraying me! I know what I have to do, I know that I have to free myself of her I am strong , I really am, but you dont know how it feels to have been cheated and betrayed by the person I have loved so much....I am just so hurt... I really wanted to have lived my life with good memories of her, but I ended up having hate for her... She is lucky, all she has of me are the beautiful memories, love and loyalty and care.... She gave me hell, but I left her with flowers... Edited December 19, 2010 by sarmad
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