What is going on with him?

[shirleypogo]

Hello people

 

I hope I am posting this in the right place.

 

I just want some advice about the guy I'm seeing.

 

We've been together nearly 4 months and mostly it is great. He treats me really good, we talk all the time, he is very emotionally supportive and affectionate, he makes me feel special and wanted, and I in turn adore him. I think he is an incredibly human being, smart, sexy, funny, fun to be with, and I can imagine a future with him. He talks about getting married, having kids, which I find all a bit soon, but at the same time I always think those things quick too if I'm honest, so I don't mind that. So long as we don't do those things quick, but just talk about them, then it's ok with me.

 

We hold hands, we play fight, we hold each other all night long.

 

So what is the problem?

 

This is the problem:

 

When I'm with him I feel like his wife of 10 years, not his girlfriend of 3.5 months.

 

I want romance and excitement and passion, and I feel those things for him. He really lights my fire, and I guess however much he is in love with me, or SAYS that he finds me really attractive and sexy....I don't really believe it. Because when he's with me I never get the feeling like he wants to rip my clothes off.

 

We've already got into this pattern of it being ME who wants sex. And who feels like we aren't doing it.

 

To be clear, in an ideal world, I would have sex every day. At this stage of a relationship anyway, I think - and I definitely want to have sex every time I see him. I don't want to see him and not do it, that makes me feel weird. But is it weird?

 

The thing is, I have spoken to him about it. And he has said that he's willing to work on it, but essentially I guess the question is this:

 

Actually, deep down, does he just not find me that hot?

 

Because I feel like...sometimes I try and look nice, or dress sexy, because I think it might turn him on or make him think about sex, and I feel like...he doesn't notice.

 

If the rest of it wasn't so good, then I wouldn't even bother going on with it, because honestly, I just think you shouldn't be having these issues 3.5 months in.

 

But please don't just tell me to finish it because I can't! I just can't work out if I'm being unreasonable, because I know that one of the ways that I as a person look for affirmation and good-feeling is through sex. So in a way, I'm as confused about what I want as what he wants.

 

I feel like he doesn't really want to kiss me, he pulls away, I have to ask him to kiss me, to the point where I've started getting really paranoid about my breath, smelling it all the time, thinking I must be gross to kiss. But he's the kind of guy that would just tell me if my breath smelled! So I don't think it's that. Plus....I mean if it is that....I can't smell it. And I've given him chance to tell me by raising the point.

 

One other factor, he's a marijuana addict. He smokes alot. Every day lots of times a day. Does that affect your sex drive? Because I'm not sure that he isn't a bit depressed.

 

Please help me......does he just want someone to cuddle and he's not that bothered about sex?

 

And please don't tell me to talk to him either because...I have! And he says if I want him to kiss me more, he will...and then he doesn't. He says if I want to have sex more, we can....and then we don't.

 

I just don't know what to do.

 

Advice...please?

[Str8noChaser]

Weed can effect your sex drive, as well as make you real lethargic & whatever. What's wrong with you being the initiator? It's so rare & hot. He may not be an expressive dude. He may not like to kiss. Is he getting aroused when you attack him? Is he having problems staying erect or finishing the act? If not, accept that with this guy who you find such good qualities in and see a future with, even marriage, is just laidback sexually. Every relationship has a give & take aspect and you already stated it's not a dealbreaker.

 

Oh and does he know you are up for daily sex?

Edited December 19, 2010 by Str8noChaser

[JohnM]

This sounds suspiciously like like how I behave with my gf sometimes so I may be of some assistance here.

 

You already know your problems here and are moving towards too deep too quickly. You are demanding too much of him and he doesn't want ot lose his passion. The problem here is that although you want it every day, probably twice a day it just doesn't happen like that for all men.

 

A thought I have had stuck in my head atm is this:

 

If you have a roast dinner every day of the week, Sunday's roast is no longer special.

 

If I have sex every day, twice each time by the forth day I generally lose my interest in it and need time to recharge my batteries and rebuild a desire for it. Its not that I dont want it, but my body becomes bored with repetition.

 

I find my gf personality more attractive than her physicality, but her sexyness and attitude overall means it all fine. I do find that I do sometimes become drawn to how attractive to her I am but generally, when I want sex, I'm not thinking about looks im thinking about how it feels. Try not to put too much pressure on it happening, and to ther same extent to it becoming routine. Doing it every time you see each other, almost as if its expected and HAS to happen. It gets boring. Mix it up.

 

Just relax and stop stressing out, I'm sure he would understand if one day you were not upto it. Imagine how it would feel to have someone be mentally and physically demanding of you. You love them, you want to take care of them but they aren't satisfied with a cuddle on those off days.

[shirleypogo]

Oh thanks for this guys, it actually makes me feel loads better. I thought people might just straight away say "he is just not really into you" which would break my heart.

 

I like the idea of him being laid back sexually, I guess. So long as he still fancies me.

 

And I guess I just have to try and slow things down a bit too. In general. Maybe that will help.

 

Really and truly, thanks for saying all these things. It has eased my mind really rather alot.

 

In terms of problems of the actual sex...not any at all. When it happens it is totally hot and the best ever. Maybe that is what makes me greedy for it

[musemaj11]

You are his Madonna, not his whore.

 

Madonna/Whore Complex.

 

Personally, when Im emotionally attracted to a girl, I treat her like she is my wife of 10 years because I feel comfortable and stable with her.

[that girl]

Do not assume there is something you are doing wrong. Some guys just have low sex drives.

 

You already know your problems here and are moving towards too deep too quickly. You are demanding too much of him and he doesn't want ot lose his passion.

It actually doesn't sound like she is demanding anything from him.

 

Honestly, you should break up with him.

 

He pulls away when you kiss him and isn't interested in sex. He isn't going to wake up one day and be sex crazed, he will probably only want it less as time goes on.

 

The only other thing I can think of is to ask if he'd be up for a weed free weekend where all you do is hang out together (maybe go away for the weekend if that works money wise). It is possible that if he takes a few days off from weed he could have more of a sex drive, but if he isn't up for this- move on. You're not going to fix his weed problem.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I was going to quote your whole post, but then the bottom line so overpowered the rest that it alone seems the obvious cause for many of your concerns.

 

Most important is my sense that you are very fair in your concerns when detailing how he is or isn't treating you.

 

However, if I could somehow reprogram you to greatly reduce the chances that you see yourSELF as the actual problem in any of those concerns, I think you'd be more near to accurate with any instincts you do have.

 

The fact that you can accurately recognize him as "a marijuana addict" assures that he is pretty heavily into weed. I wish I could print and summarize here for you my observations and dealings with practically every heavy marijuana smoker with which I come into contact in any way.

 

Suffice it to say that they, collectively, are living in a parallel reality which in no way ever crosses paths with the real world as you and I know it.

 

The bottom line is that you are not doing yourself justice in staying with a "marijuana addict". When you solve that, most of your tangent (yet very real) concerns will mysteriously be solved as well.

 

I think you should break up while you're not toooooooooooo heavily invested in him.

[Eddie Edirol]

Ive seen how weed addictions kills peoples sex drive. Theyd rather be high than horny. It wont get any better. he might not be a kisser, but just so you know, my ex wanted to kiss alot, I didnt, but it was because I wasnt very attracted to her.

 

I think you should administer a test, since talking to him wont work. He wont tell you that he isnt that into you. Give yourself some space from him. Dont initiate sex, dont demand kisses from him, dont show any interest in him. Wait for him to initiate sex, no matter how long it takes. See how long it takes for him to notice or show you affection. if it takes more than a week, then you have your answer.