Hit rock bottom...

[hopeless4u]

H4U (((((((hugs)))))))

 

It is probably perfectly normal.

 

One year out I experienced a new and sudden and scary rage that came up from my toes out of nowhere.....or a same ole'same ole' damn-this-is driving=me=crazy=So bored!

 

It is also known as emotionally as reaching "the plain of lethal flatness" where you do not feel joy or pain. You just exist and every day seems exactly the same as the day before.

 

Shake it up! Take a class, join the gym, start volunteering somewhere. Enrich yourself and enrich your life.

 

Don't wait for someone to do it for you. If you need an antidepressent, go get one. Join a gym or just start walking. The mental health benefits of exercise for women are well documented.

 

Get going, please, for your sake. You got one shot at this life. Make it count. Make it the best it can be for you.

 

 

Thanks Spark, you always amaze me:o

 

I have been going to the gym 3 times a week and hating every minute!!

 

Like I said in my last post I'm not sat home in the dark alone, I am 'out there' but this nagging lonely feeling just keeps on coming back and I just don't seem to be able to shake it....I miss him Spark, I miss his friendship, even after everything he has done to me and his W I still miss him.

 

I want to hate him or at least not like him as a person but I just can't.

[hopeless4u]

Ellin and H4U,

 

I did try to take my own life...long story short, everything was a mess. I remember driving down the street (this area had tons of those like cypress trees...think that's what they were)...I had just dropped off my son to go live with his dad, I knew that would turn into a disaster. I just decided to punch it and got up to about 50mph and turned fast off the road to hit one of those giant trees...a branch came through the windshield with a circumference of about a foot and one half...it missed me by about 2 inches...if it is not our time, it's just not.

 

God has a plan for all of us

 

I believe this pure, the very reason I would never choose to end my own life.

 

((hugs)) to you honey

[hopeless4u]

((((pure))))

 

((((h4u))))

 

 

Thanks jennie

[hopeless4u]

Pure and H4U, I'm sorry for what you guys have been through and continue to go through. I wish there was an easy solution as you both have been through so much now and enough is enough. Depression is a terrible thing, I have dealt with it on a personal level and it breaks your heart to see those you love go through it.

 

Life can be so hard sometimes, and for those dealing with it at the same time as suffering internally, the simple things can be so hard. Getting over it does take time, but you have to also be so proactive, and it can be done. There are some great suggestions already for how to fill your time: new fun activities can trigger endorphins in the brain that older ones that you have grown used to can't. Totally worth trying (and you never know who you might meet )

 

Medically, there are a lot of new anti-depressants around that are really quite gently (certainly compared to older ones) and can lift you enough to get yourself back on track. I know they have a stigma attached to them, but I honestly think it is an ignorant, uninformed one a lot of the time. There a quite a few that are more gentle on the body than aspirin or paracetamol. Please don't think I'm advising you to medicate on up, as I never would endorse that over other ways to lift spirits, but perhaps don't rule them out. Ask your counsellor and doctor, see what they say.

 

H4U, I have been thinking of you quite a bit recently, as we've both been here for about the same amount of time now, and went through so much similar pain. I wish I could take it away for you, but I think, as others have recommended, closing the chapter once and for all would be the one thing that galvanises you. He isn't coming back, hon. You need to let him go and work on you. Bring the woman that you used to be before all this heartbreak back. Let this man go.

 

((((((((((H4U and Pure))))))))))

 

Hey Hazy, I think of you often too:)

 

I don't think pills will help TBH, this is in my head and I just need to get my heart to catch up!!

I know he isn't coming back and I really don't think these feeling are still about loosing him, I think this is more about missing him and having him around to share things with, things I know he would be proud of me for, things he would be happy for me doing.....

[hopeless4u]

Honey, chronic depression is a terrible thing. It can make even the most desired life seem unlivable. It can even sneak up on you insidiously so you never saw it coming, and before you know it you are completely dispondant. It doesn't always even have an obvious precursor as in your case. In most cases though it becomes chemical and you need some medication to set things back on track. Sometimes the first drug you try isn't the right one and you have to go through finding another. Not something a depressed person is willing to try.

 

I so wish you had a friend or family member to take you by the hand and make sure you get the help you need. Therapy isn't going to do you a bit of good UNTIL medication gets you straightened out. This doesn't have to be something you do for the rest of your life.

 

I'm so sorry you feel like this, I can't tell you how familiar it sounds. I was so lucky to have people willing to fight for me when I didn't have the will to do it myself. People who noticed how I wasn't able to pull myself out. Like you, I blamed the situation. No pill could fix what put me there. Finally I understood that the situation and my inability to cope became chemical as evidenced by my chronic depression. I hope you will find your way toward some help.

 

I do have the best family and friends around me IWWH, I am very lucky, my IC says its likely because I find it hard to 'let it out', I tend to feel like I'm feeling sorry for myself when I ask for help....very true....usually when I come here so not to burden my friends again, even though I know they would be there for me no matter how long I went on about it:o

[hopeless4u]

Cmon girl. You sound like you've got some spirit in you - it takes that to love.

 

I felt like you do - but I knew in a steely acorn of my soul that I would ride it out. And then one day I HAD A GOOD TIME properly.

 

Dancing for me helped. Funny enough, I didn't use to dance so well. Now I am pretty hot on the flloor. I got that from giving my all in love and opening a part of myself.

 

Maybe you know something that will help you?

 

And then do it till the hurt gets less. (((h4u)))

 

Yes wheelwright I do have some spirit I just can't seem to find it!!

 

I just can't seem to get past where I am right now, it feels like I have been at this point in my recovery forever.....like I'm stuck in some kind of time loop that just keeps playing 'good day, bad day' over and over....

 

Thanks for the (((hugs)))

[hopeless4u]

I can guarantee you one thing, my brother and SIL would give ANYTHING for another day with their 3 year old who died unexpectedly almost 2 years ago.

 

A dear friend would give ANYTHING for one last day with her husband who died from a brain aneurysm unexpectedly almost 3 years ago.

 

You truly are going to let an affair with a MM be what is your legacy? You want to die from unhappiness of an affair not working out in your favor?

 

H4U - yea, I am being tough. I am shocked that you are having this pity party. I am shocked that you think ending your life - and leaving your son - is a good thing because your affair didn't work out.

 

ARE YOU KIDDING ME????

 

So you are cool with not seeing your son marry and have children? You are okay with him telling his kids that grandma took her own life because she couldn't get over an affair? You are okay with your future grandkids never knowing you, never hearing the stories of their dad when he was little? You are okay with never holding them, never snuggling with them, never spoiling them?

 

If so, shame on you. I know you are sad. I know you are hurting. But you DO have the power to change that. You DO have the power to get out of this depression.

 

See a counselor

Request anti-depressants

Take the medication

Get intensive counseling

 

You do have options for going on. You seem to be choosing to wallow in it. You seem hell bent on not letting him go, not moving forward. Almost as if if you sit and cry and be sad long enough, he will find out and come running to you.

 

 

Stop all that garbage. Be grateful that you ARE healthy. Be grateful that you have a son who you love and who LOVES YOU. Be grateful that you do have family around.

 

I am sure friends and family are sick of hearing about the MM and the affair and your sadness.

 

So change that.

 

Go volunteer at a hospital - go volunteer to read to children dying of cancer. Go volunteer at a old folks home and sit with someone who has NO FAMILY, NO VISITORS.

 

Instead of wanting to end your life, celebrate it. Celebrate the POSITIVES you have. CELEBRATE the GOOD THINGS. Stop focusing on the negative. It is so easy to get sucked into the black hole of sadness. FIGHT to overcome it and DO SOMETHING to overcome it.

 

I am sure your son would be heart broken if he thought you couldn't wait to die and leave him

 

Yes, I know my post has been harsh. I know it isn't all hugs and "things will be fine" comments. Do you have any idea of the grief parents go through when they lose a child? Do you have any idea of the grief your child will go through to know that you willingly and wantonly wish to die?

 

I hope you can dig deep and find the strength and resolve to once and for all put this dude behind you and MOVE forward.

 

((hugs)) You know I do care about you. You know that. I don't intend to hurt you with my post, but your post is screaming "whoa is me". Stop that type of behavior and thinking. Strive to be the best person you can be each and every day. Let go of him. Let go of the hope you have been carrying. Let it go.

 

((hugs))

 

Yes FO I know you care and I was not surprised by your kick up my ass:p

 

I know I need to get a grip and I know I can not stay where I am forever but things just seem so hard right now.

I do think the time of the year has something to do with it.

 

I have been doing everything to get past this, gym 3 times a week, weekends away with the girls, partying of a weekend, fantastic holidays, I've even had a couple of dates but I always end up back to missing 'him', not the relationship FO, just him...

 

How long do I have to 'keep busy' for? Not sure my savings can handle much more of 'keeping busy'....

[elizabeth26]

It sounds like you may have gotten penned up in your habits and life. Try a few new things that may make you nervous, go for a bowling league or book club. I understand the "I have nothing in my life" feeling, but you should do things that make you feel good and adventurous. If you think about it putting this out there was a little adventurous, you decided you want to change up what is happening in your life, now you should take bigger and bigger steps, enjoy making your life yours.

[hopeless4u]

H4U, just wondering how you're doing. For what it's worth, I think you should keep posting here, use it for the positive as well as the negative. Stay with us rather than wait till things are bad... what are you thinking about it all now? What steps do you think you can take?

 

Hey Hazy, I'm about the same, just throwing myself into work.....the weather is very bad right now so spent far to much time in the car...thinking!!

 

You are right, I do tend to come on here when I am hurting, I have the best friends in the world but I don't like to put on them....

 

I don't really see what else I can do to move on from this loop I seem to be in....maybe its just 'my karma'....

[hopeless4u]

FGS, she never said she was considering doing anything like you suggest! She has only communicated the difficult feelings she is going through, which is a good thing.

 

Why make her feel bad for feeling bad?

 

Thanks Ellin. 1 year ago I would of and probably did say just the same to FO.

 

You are right about making me feel bad about feeling bad, my IC said I hold stuff in because I don't want people thinking I'm feeling sorry for myself but FO and I go back a long way(well 1 year:)) and if it was a stranger then I may be offended but I'm not:)

 

Sometimes that kick up the ass is needed, its not a cure but it does help sometimes....

[ladydesigner]

Hi H4U just wanted to say hi! I'm not often on here anymore as I feel it fuels my memory of the A, but glad to see you back posting. I'm sorry you feel stuck. I also felt stuck at some point, but eventually you get tired of being there and maybe you are at that point. Maybe you are ready to leave this all behind you. Have you gotten angry yet? I mean really angry, like hate the MM for what he did kind of angry. I know anger really helped me move on, but eventually I had to let go of that too. Maybe keep reading and posting some more, I know it helps to get it out. I know you will be fine one day;). It's only taken me 2 years! Don't give your MM that much power over your happiness. Everytime a thought of him enters your brain send it right back out. If everything else in your life is going well keep on that path! You can do it! These MM are definitely not worth all the time we waste thinking about them and analyzing this and questioning that. F them create a new and better life for yourself without him or thoughts of him.

 

I am cheering for you! Hang in there!

[hopeless4u]

For what it's worth Elin, I don't think that was FO's intention. Sometimes a bit of a wake up call is needed and FO has consistently been there for H4U when she has struggled. What she writes in her post comes from a place of concern and has a lot of truth in it, hard as that truth may be. Personally, I care sincerely for H4U, as we've experienced a lot of parallels and she has been a shoulder for me as I hope I have for her but the part in her post where she mentions if she died in her sleep... well, it bothered me as it did, I'm sure FO. It's a hard role to take to choose to be the tough one, but sometimes someone has to step up... I think H4U will understand FO's intentions, and, as her friend, I hope she takes heed of her advice. It will only serve her well.

 

Awwwww Hazy:o I care for you too and your shoulder:) xx

[hopeless4u]

Hi H4U just wanted to say hi! I'm not often on here anymore as I feel it fuels my memory of the A, but glad to see you back posting. I'm sorry you feel stuck. I also felt stuck at some point, but eventually you get tired of being there and maybe you are at that point. Maybe you are ready to leave this all behind you. Have you gotten angry yet? I mean really angry, like hate the MM for what he did kind of angry. I know anger really helped me move on, but eventually I had to let go of that too. Maybe keep reading and posting some more, I know it helps to get it out. I know you will be fine one day;). It's only taken me 2 years! Don't give your MM that much power over your happiness. Everytime a thought of him enters your brain send it right back out. If everything else in your life is going well keep on that path! You can do it! These MM are definitely not worth all the time we waste thinking about them and analyzing this and questioning that. F them create a new and better life for yourself without him or thoughts of him.

 

I am cheering for you! Hang in there!

 

Hey LD, I hope you are good?

 

Yeah, maybe this is just another step in my healing....I hope so.

 

No I still can't get that angry, I'm angry at how he dealt with things but not with his decision, it was always going to end like it did if his W found out. I would have done the exact same thing in his shoes....

 

I just wish I could stop feeling so lonely without him, I have met guys but I'm bored within minutes:o........

[hopeless4u]

It sounds like you may have gotten penned up in your habits and life. Try a few new things that may make you nervous, go for a bowling league or book club. I understand the "I have nothing in my life" feeling, but you should do things that make you feel good and adventurous. If you think about it putting this out there was a little adventurous, you decided you want to change up what is happening in your life, now you should take bigger and bigger steps, enjoy making your life yours.

 

I am doing all sorts of things I can think of to keep busy, my friend and I are even thinking of walking the great wall of china next year for charity...

 

My life is good, my friends and family are the best but I just can't seem to fill this hole in my heart....

[ladydesigner]

Hey LD, I hope you are good?

 

Yeah, maybe this is just another step in my healing....I hope so.

 

No I still can't get that angry, I'm angry at how he dealt with things but not with his decision, it was always going to end like it did if his W found out. I would have done the exact same thing in his shoes....

 

I just wish I could stop feeling so lonely without him, I have met guys but I'm bored within minutes:o........

 

The right guy will come around when you least expect it. For some reason things always work this way. Anger really helped me let go for good. it wasn't until I was tired of being angry and tired of thinking about the situation that I finally let go. Find that anger, it definitely helps separate your feelings of love for him, feelings that WERE love. Make it a past tense and try not to reminisce.

[2themoon&back]

I am doing all sorts of things I can think of to keep busy, my friend and I are even thinking of walking the great wall of china next year for charity...

 

My life is good, my friends and family are the best but I just can't seem to fill this hole in my heart....

 

I hope you get there and send me the map !!!!

[hopeless4u]

The right guy will come around when you least expect it. For some reason things always work this way. Anger really helped me let go for good. it wasn't until I was tired of being angry and tired of thinking about the situation that I finally let go. Find that anger, it definitely helps separate your feelings of love for him, feelings that WERE love. Make it a past tense and try not to reminisce.

 

The thing is LD I do get to a point where I think F you xMM, I have a great life without you in it but it always seems something comes and kicks me in the teeth to say 'how dare you forget about me'....like if I get over him I obviously didn't love him enough...does that make any sense??

[hopeless4u]

I hope you get there and send me the map !!!!

 

The map....no, no 2tm&b I want sponsors:p

[2themoon&back]

The map....no, no 2tm&b I want sponsors:p

 

 

I meant the “map” out of your despair and the fill for the whole in your heart, sorry for the confusion.

 

And good luck with the sponsorship as well !!

[ladydesigner]

The thing is LD I do get to a point where I think F you xMM, I have a great life without you in it but it always seems something comes and kicks me in the teeth to say 'how dare you forget about me'....like if I get over him I obviously didn't love him enough...does that make any sense??

 

Yes it does. I remember i used to be afraid of not missing my XAP. Now I am at a point where it doesn't really matter anymore. I was placing way to much importance on something that never would have worked anyways. I grew tired of beating myself up as well. I have finally forgiven myself and really truly let go. I'm sure you will always have a special place for him in your memory. Eventually that memory will start to fade too. Sometimes when a new person enters your life, it just takes over. It won't always be like this. Just more time. It is good to feel these feelings and grieve. You are getting them out of your system. You are not alone. I'm sure you have great days where you're not thinking of him too.

[hopeless4u]

I meant the “map” out of your despair and the fill for the whole in your heart, sorry for the confusion.

 

And good luck with the sponsorship as well !!

 

Ha Ha, yes I will:o Can I have sponsorship too please:D

[hopeless4u]

Yes it does. I remember i used to be afraid of not missing my XAP. Now I am at a point where it doesn't really matter anymore. I was placing way to much importance on something that never would have worked anyways. I grew tired of beating myself up as well. I have finally forgiven myself and really truly let go. I'm sure you will always have a special place for him in your memory. Eventually that memory will start to fade too. Sometimes when a new person enters your life, it just takes over. It won't always be like this. Just more time. It is good to feel these feelings and grieve. You are getting them out of your system. You are not alone. I'm sure you have great days where you're not thinking of him too.

 

 

The bolded...this is my problem I think, I don't think, in fact I know, I have not had a day in the past year where he hasn't been in my head at some point!

Its like he just sits in the back of my mind and if I get sidetracked from 'keeping busy' he's there, in my head like a shot and then I have to consiously push him out, its just exhausting LD.

I think thats why I end up back here every couple of months, I need to get it all out of my head before it just explodes!!

[ladydesigner]

[/b]

 

 

The bolded...this is my problem I think, I don't think, in fact I know, I have not had a day in the past year where he hasn't been in my head at some point!

Its like he just sits in the back of my mind and if I get sidetracked from 'keeping busy' he's there, in my head like a shot and then I have to consiously push him out, its just exhausting LD.

I think thats why I end up back here every couple of months, I need to get it all out of my head before it just explodes!!

 

Oh I completely understand. I used to think I was cursed that I couldn't get my XAP out of my head. I thought wow I guess I got what I deserved. It has been a slow and gradual process for me. It will happen, trust yourself and continue having a good time in your life. One day you will wake up and say MM who?

[fooled once]

FGS, she never said she was considering doing anything like you suggest! She has only communicated the difficult feelings she is going through, which is a good thing.

 

Why make her feel bad for feeling bad?

 

Back off Ellin. You don't know the relationship her and I have. As you can clearly read from her own posts, she is good with what I wrote. I didn't write it for you to criticize, I wrote it for HER, NOT YOU. So back off.

 

For what it's worth Elin, I don't think that was FO's intention. Sometimes a bit of a wake up call is needed and FO has consistently been there for H4U when she has struggled. What she writes in her post comes from a place of concern and has a lot of truth in it, hard as that truth may be. Personally, I care sincerely for H4U, as we've experienced a lot of parallels and she has been a shoulder for me as I hope I have for her but the part in her post where she mentions if she died in her sleep... well, it bothered me as it did, I'm sure FO. It's a hard role to take to choose to be the tough one, but sometimes someone has to step up... I think H4U will understand FO's intentions, and, as her friend, I hope she takes heed of her advice. It will only serve her well.

 

Thanks Hazy ((hugs)) You hit it right on target. I read the post the same as you. As someone who has personally watched 2 parents grieve, any my parents grieve the loss of their youngest grandchild, it is something I wouldn't wish on ANYONE, even people I despise. You are a doll Hazy and I appreciate the support. I haven't been around much lately as I have had a personal family tragedy and only came on tonight for some "entertainment" and to stop the thoughts that have been in my head for 4 days.

 

 

Yes FO I know you care and I was not surprised by your kick up my ass:p

 

I know I need to get a grip and I know I can not stay where I am forever but things just seem so hard right now.

I do think the time of the year has something to do with it.

 

I have been doing everything to get past this, gym 3 times a week, weekends away with the girls, partying of a weekend, fantastic holidays, I've even had a couple of dates but I always end up back to missing 'him', not the relationship FO, just him...

 

How long do I have to 'keep busy' for? Not sure my savings can handle much more of 'keeping busy'....

 

You are doing great sweetie. I want you to stop beating yourself up for NOT being all chippy and the dating-around woman. Holidays ARE hard, I 100% agree that a lot of what you are feeling right now might be attributed to the time of year it is. But this too shall pass. I am betting once you - YOU - finally let go of the 'hope', that next year at this time, you will be in a different place. Heck, I am about to PROMISE you this

 

Keep doing hat you are doing - but let go of the hope. Truly truly let him go.

 

God bless you for doing the guy 3 nights a week - I am highly impressed. I hope you are rewarding yourself with some nice new clothes for that great bod you are building!!

 

Be kind to yourself my friend. I care about you. I want you around for a long time. I have always felt a "kinship" with you as we are both moms of boys and I can tell you -- heck, I will send you a PM as I don't want to put my personal biz here.

 

Take care of you - LOVE YOU and move forward. REALLY move forward, not just the lip service ((hugs))

[twinsmom]

God bless you for doing the guy 3 nights a week - I am highly impressed.

 

He he..Freudian slip?? Anyway, it gave me a good chuckle.