hopeless4u Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 I wanted to answer the post's from my last thread but my laptop keeps freezing so I think it's best to get this out... I'm a mess, a year on and I still can not sort my self out. I just wish life would naturally 'take me out'.... My whole life is work, family(who can live without me), work and work again...I just want to leave this pointless exsistence... Don't get me wrong I would never do anything stupid but if I was told I had an illness that couldn't be cured or if I died in my sleep I would not be unhappy...
whichwayisup Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 I wanted to answer the post's from my last thread but my laptop keeps freezing so I think it's best to get this out... I'm a mess, a year on and I still can not sort my self out. I just wish life would naturally 'take me out'.... My whole life is work, family(who can live without me), work and work again...I just want to leave this pointless exsistence... Don't get me wrong I would never do anything stupid but if I was told I had an illness that couldn't be cured or if I died in my sleep I would not be unhappy... You are depressed and to have these thoughts isn't going to help you. Sure you're hurting but what you are doing to get yourself back on the healing path? Therapy and reaching out friends. If your family can't help you and support you through this, then reach out more here, PM me, and keep posting. Be active in getting yourself better. Don't give him this power to ruin YOUR life, which is a gift...Even though right now you feel it isn't. Trust me, wishing that you had an incurable disease that will lead you to death is something you don't want..Try not to let yourself have thoughts like that, k.
SidLyon Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 ...I just want to leave this pointless exsistence... Don't get me wrong I would never do anything stupid but if I was told I had an illness that couldn't be cured or if I died in my sleep I would not be unhappy... This describes how I felt for well over a year after d-day. So many times I just wished for a passive death (ie one I didn't have to cause myself). Having gone through this I would never ever be an OW and risk inflicting this on another woman... It will get better with time they say...
Ellin Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 I wanted to answer the post's from my last thread but my laptop keeps freezing so I think it's best to get this out... I'm a mess, a year on and I still can not sort my self out. I just wish life would naturally 'take me out'.... My whole life is work, family(who can live without me), work and work again...I just want to leave this pointless exsistence... Don't get me wrong I would never do anything stupid but if I was told I had an illness that couldn't be cured or if I died in my sleep I would not be unhappy... I know that feeling. Some time ago I was going through a period when I wished a car came with very high speed and hit me, whenever I was crossing a road. But I also know that if I was ACTUALLY told that I had an incurable illness I wouldn't be happy at all. I would then appreciate life. And you would too. You know? But I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. It won't mean anything to you if I say that life will be good again for you one day, but it will. I promise. And for now - what makes you most unhappy? What would you like to change? Only answer if you're ok with it. ((hugs))
Confused4Now Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 H4U...Listen I remember where I was 2 years ago. I was out of my marriage only already 10 months from my marriage. I was struggling with the breaking up of my family. I was on depression and sleep medication. I lost 45 lbs. over a 2 month period and my hair was falling out. I was having panic attacks daily and was going to therapy. I honestly thought of suicide. It was also clear to me that my xMW was not going to leave her situation. Which at that time I was so crazy I went knocking on her door for our only D-day. All I can say is it does get better. I finally start focusing on ME. It's been a long hard road but I can say I'm at a point where I can discuss it and it doesn't bother me and even though my xMW reaches out every so often I just feel pity and sorry for her. So sad. My point is I hit rock bottom several times. It's not fun I lost a lot of friends cause they couldn't see what my xMW was doing to me. I have since started rebuilding my relationships with them. Hang in there....my prayers are out to you. Time does heal...if you are willing to do that work.
Carrot2000 Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 H4U, it sounds like you may be having a major depressive episode--which is understandable under the circumstances. Have you spoken to your MD about the possibility of getting a prescription for an antidepressant? A good antidepressant--and by "good" I mean one that works for you--won't suddenly make you happy, but it can help stabilize your mood so you can function again. This relationship has drained and depleted you to the point that you don't see the value in your life, but you do have value and you deserve joy and love and all the good things life has to offer. Please take care of yourself. ((Hugs))
Spark1111 Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 H4U (((((((hugs))))))) It is probably perfectly normal. One year out I experienced a new and sudden and scary rage that came up from my toes out of nowhere.....or a same ole'same ole' damn-this-is driving=me=crazy=So bored! It is also known as emotionally as reaching "the plain of lethal flatness" where you do not feel joy or pain. You just exist and every day seems exactly the same as the day before. Shake it up! Take a class, join the gym, start volunteering somewhere. Enrich yourself and enrich your life. Don't wait for someone to do it for you. If you need an antidepressent, go get one. Join a gym or just start walking. The mental health benefits of exercise for women are well documented. Get going, please, for your sake. You got one shot at this life. Make it count. Make it the best it can be for you.
pureinheart Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 I wanted to answer the post's from my last thread but my laptop keeps freezing so I think it's best to get this out... I'm a mess, a year on and I still can not sort my self out. I just wish life would naturally 'take me out'.... My whole life is work, family(who can live without me), work and work again...I just want to leave this pointless exsistence... Don't get me wrong I would never do anything stupid but if I was told I had an illness that couldn't be cured or if I died in my sleep I would not be unhappy... I can completely relate...just an "off note here"....I thought technology was supposed to make things easier:eek: I hope things get better, I know your going through a lot right now...
pureinheart Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 I know that feeling. Some time ago I was going through a period when I wished a car came with very high speed and hit me, whenever I was crossing a road. But I also know that if I was ACTUALLY told that I had an incurable illness I wouldn't be happy at all. I would then appreciate life. And you would too. You know? But I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. It won't mean anything to you if I say that life will be good again for you one day, but it will. I promise. And for now - what makes you most unhappy? What would you like to change? Only answer if you're ok with it. ((hugs)) Ellin and H4U, I did try to take my own life...long story short, everything was a mess. I remember driving down the street (this area had tons of those like cypress trees...think that's what they were)...I had just dropped off my son to go live with his dad, I knew that would turn into a disaster. I just decided to punch it and got up to about 50mph and turned fast off the road to hit one of those giant trees...a branch came through the windshield with a circumference of about a foot and one half...it missed me by about 2 inches...if it is not our time, it's just not. God has a plan for all of us:)
jennie-jennie Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Ellin and H4U, I did try to take my own life...long story short, everything was a mess. I remember driving down the street (this area had tons of those like cypress trees...think that's what they were)...I had just dropped off my son to go live with his dad, I knew that would turn into a disaster. I just decided to punch it and got up to about 50mph and turned fast off the road to hit one of those giant trees...a branch came through the windshield with a circumference of about a foot and one half...it missed me by about 2 inches...if it is not our time, it's just not. God has a plan for all of us:) ((((pure)))) ((((h4u))))
Hazyhead Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Pure and H4U, I'm sorry for what you guys have been through and continue to go through. I wish there was an easy solution as you both have been through so much now and enough is enough. Depression is a terrible thing, I have dealt with it on a personal level and it breaks your heart to see those you love go through it. Life can be so hard sometimes, and for those dealing with it at the same time as suffering internally, the simple things can be so hard. Getting over it does take time, but you have to also be so proactive, and it can be done. There are some great suggestions already for how to fill your time: new fun activities can trigger endorphins in the brain that older ones that you have grown used to can't. Totally worth trying (and you never know who you might meet ) Medically, there are a lot of new anti-depressants around that are really quite gently (certainly compared to older ones) and can lift you enough to get yourself back on track. I know they have a stigma attached to them, but I honestly think it is an ignorant, uninformed one a lot of the time. There a quite a few that are more gentle on the body than aspirin or paracetamol. Please don't think I'm advising you to medicate on up, as I never would endorse that over other ways to lift spirits, but perhaps don't rule them out. Ask your counsellor and doctor, see what they say. H4U, I have been thinking of you quite a bit recently, as we've both been here for about the same amount of time now, and went through so much similar pain. I wish I could take it away for you, but I think, as others have recommended, closing the chapter once and for all would be the one thing that galvanises you. He isn't coming back, hon. You need to let him go and work on you. Bring the woman that you used to be before all this heartbreak back. Let this man go. ((((((((((H4U and Pure))))))))))
IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Honey, chronic depression is a terrible thing. It can make even the most desired life seem unlivable. It can even sneak up on you insidiously so you never saw it coming, and before you know it you are completely dispondant. It doesn't always even have an obvious precursor as in your case. In most cases though it becomes chemical and you need some medication to set things back on track. Sometimes the first drug you try isn't the right one and you have to go through finding another. Not something a depressed person is willing to try. I so wish you had a friend or family member to take you by the hand and make sure you get the help you need. Therapy isn't going to do you a bit of good UNTIL medication gets you straightened out. This doesn't have to be something you do for the rest of your life. I'm so sorry you feel like this, I can't tell you how familiar it sounds. I was so lucky to have people willing to fight for me when I didn't have the will to do it myself. People who noticed how I wasn't able to pull myself out. Like you, I blamed the situation. No pill could fix what put me there. Finally I understood that the situation and my inability to cope became chemical as evidenced by my chronic depression. I hope you will find your way toward some help.
Ellin Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Ellin and H4U, I did try to take my own life...long story short, everything was a mess. I remember driving down the street (this area had tons of those like cypress trees...think that's what they were)...I had just dropped off my son to go live with his dad, I knew that would turn into a disaster. I just decided to punch it and got up to about 50mph and turned fast off the road to hit one of those giant trees...a branch came through the windshield with a circumference of about a foot and one half...it missed me by about 2 inches...if it is not our time, it's just not. God has a plan for all of us:) Oh darling Pure, certainly a kind-hearted person like you is what we need more of in this world. (((hugs)))
wheelwright Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 I wanted to answer the post's from my last thread but my laptop keeps freezing so I think it's best to get this out... I'm a mess, a year on and I still can not sort my self out. I just wish life would naturally 'take me out'.... My whole life is work, family(who can live without me), work and work again...I just want to leave this pointless exsistence... Don't get me wrong I would never do anything stupid but if I was told I had an illness that couldn't be cured or if I died in my sleep I would not be unhappy... Cmon girl. You sound like you've got some spirit in you - it takes that to love. I felt like you do - but I knew in a steely acorn of my soul that I would ride it out. And then one day I HAD A GOOD TIME properly. Dancing for me helped. Funny enough, I didn't use to dance so well. Now I am pretty hot on the flloor. I got that from giving my all in love and opening a part of myself. Maybe you know something that will help you? And then do it till the hurt gets less. (((h4u)))
fooled once Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 I wanted to answer the post's from my last thread but my laptop keeps freezing so I think it's best to get this out... I'm a mess, a year on and I still can not sort my self out. I just wish life would naturally 'take me out'.... My whole life is work, family(who can live without me), work and work again...I just want to leave this pointless exsistence... Don't get me wrong I would never do anything stupid but if I was told I had an illness that couldn't be cured or if I died in my sleep I would not be unhappy... I can guarantee you one thing, my brother and SIL would give ANYTHING for another day with their 3 year old who died unexpectedly almost 2 years ago. A dear friend would give ANYTHING for one last day with her husband who died from a brain aneurysm unexpectedly almost 3 years ago. You truly are going to let an affair with a MM be what is your legacy? You want to die from unhappiness of an affair not working out in your favor? H4U - yea, I am being tough. I am shocked that you are having this pity party. I am shocked that you think ending your life - and leaving your son - is a good thing because your affair didn't work out. ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? So you are cool with not seeing your son marry and have children? You are okay with him telling his kids that grandma took her own life because she couldn't get over an affair? You are okay with your future grandkids never knowing you, never hearing the stories of their dad when he was little? You are okay with never holding them, never snuggling with them, never spoiling them? If so, shame on you. I know you are sad. I know you are hurting. But you DO have the power to change that. You DO have the power to get out of this depression. See a counselor Request anti-depressants Take the medication Get intensive counseling You do have options for going on. You seem to be choosing to wallow in it. You seem hell bent on not letting him go, not moving forward. Almost as if if you sit and cry and be sad long enough, he will find out and come running to you. Stop all that garbage. Be grateful that you ARE healthy. Be grateful that you have a son who you love and who LOVES YOU. Be grateful that you do have family around. I am sure friends and family are sick of hearing about the MM and the affair and your sadness. So change that. Go volunteer at a hospital - go volunteer to read to children dying of cancer. Go volunteer at a old folks home and sit with someone who has NO FAMILY, NO VISITORS. Instead of wanting to end your life, celebrate it. Celebrate the POSITIVES you have. CELEBRATE the GOOD THINGS. Stop focusing on the negative. It is so easy to get sucked into the black hole of sadness. FIGHT to overcome it and DO SOMETHING to overcome it. I am sure your son would be heart broken if he thought you couldn't wait to die and leave him Yes, I know my post has been harsh. I know it isn't all hugs and "things will be fine" comments. Do you have any idea of the grief parents go through when they lose a child? Do you have any idea of the grief your child will go through to know that you willingly and wantonly wish to die? I hope you can dig deep and find the strength and resolve to once and for all put this dude behind you and MOVE forward. ((hugs)) You know I do care about you. You know that. I don't intend to hurt you with my post, but your post is screaming "whoa is me". Stop that type of behavior and thinking. Strive to be the best person you can be each and every day. Let go of him. Let go of the hope you have been carrying. Let it go. ((hugs))
Hazyhead Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 H4U, just wondering how you're doing. For what it's worth, I think you should keep posting here, use it for the positive as well as the negative. Stay with us rather than wait till things are bad... what are you thinking about it all now? What steps do you think you can take?
Ellin Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 I can guarantee you one thing, my brother and SIL would give ANYTHING for another day with their 3 year old who died unexpectedly almost 2 years ago. A dear friend would give ANYTHING for one last day with her husband who died from a brain aneurysm unexpectedly almost 3 years ago. You truly are going to let an affair with a MM be what is your legacy? You want to die from unhappiness of an affair not working out in your favor? H4U - yea, I am being tough. I am shocked that you are having this pity party. I am shocked that you think ending your life - and leaving your son - is a good thing because your affair didn't work out. ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? So you are cool with not seeing your son marry and have children? You are okay with him telling his kids that grandma took her own life because she couldn't get over an affair? You are okay with your future grandkids never knowing you, never hearing the stories of their dad when he was little? You are okay with never holding them, never snuggling with them, never spoiling them? If so, shame on you. I know you are sad. I know you are hurting. But you DO have the power to change that. You DO have the power to get out of this depression. See a counselor Request anti-depressants Take the medication Get intensive counseling You do have options for going on. You seem to be choosing to wallow in it. You seem hell bent on not letting him go, not moving forward. Almost as if if you sit and cry and be sad long enough, he will find out and come running to you. Stop all that garbage. Be grateful that you ARE healthy. Be grateful that you have a son who you love and who LOVES YOU. Be grateful that you do have family around. I am sure friends and family are sick of hearing about the MM and the affair and your sadness. So change that. Go volunteer at a hospital - go volunteer to read to children dying of cancer. Go volunteer at a old folks home and sit with someone who has NO FAMILY, NO VISITORS. Instead of wanting to end your life, celebrate it. Celebrate the POSITIVES you have. CELEBRATE the GOOD THINGS. Stop focusing on the negative. It is so easy to get sucked into the black hole of sadness. FIGHT to overcome it and DO SOMETHING to overcome it. I am sure your son would be heart broken if he thought you couldn't wait to die and leave him Yes, I know my post has been harsh. I know it isn't all hugs and "things will be fine" comments. Do you have any idea of the grief parents go through when they lose a child? Do you have any idea of the grief your child will go through to know that you willingly and wantonly wish to die? I hope you can dig deep and find the strength and resolve to once and for all put this dude behind you and MOVE forward. ((hugs)) You know I do care about you. You know that. I don't intend to hurt you with my post, but your post is screaming "whoa is me". Stop that type of behavior and thinking. Strive to be the best person you can be each and every day. Let go of him. Let go of the hope you have been carrying. Let it go. ((hugs)) FGS, she never said she was considering doing anything like you suggest! She has only communicated the difficult feelings she is going through, which is a good thing. Why make her feel bad for feeling bad?
Hazyhead Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 FGS, she never said she was considering doing anything like you suggest! She has only communicated the difficult feelings she is going through, which is a good thing. Why make her feel bad for feeling bad? For what it's worth Elin, I don't think that was FO's intention. Sometimes a bit of a wake up call is needed and FO has consistently been there for H4U when she has struggled. What she writes in her post comes from a place of concern and has a lot of truth in it, hard as that truth may be. Personally, I care sincerely for H4U, as we've experienced a lot of parallels and she has been a shoulder for me as I hope I have for her but the part in her post where she mentions if she died in her sleep... well, it bothered me as it did, I'm sure FO. It's a hard role to take to choose to be the tough one, but sometimes someone has to step up... I think H4U will understand FO's intentions, and, as her friend, I hope she takes heed of her advice. It will only serve her well.
Hazyhead Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 Ok........ Wasn't intended as a tell-off; sorry it came across that way I'm blaming my frustration on the fact that due to snow I'm missing my work Christmas party, that's paid for and has a free bar! Sorry.
Author hopeless4u Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 I wanted to answer the post's from my last thread but my laptop keeps freezing so I think it's best to get this out... I'm a mess, a year on and I still can not sort my self out. I just wish life would naturally 'take me out'.... My whole life is work, family(who can live without me), work and work again...I just want to leave this pointless exsistence... Don't get me wrong I would never do anything stupid but if I was told I had an illness that couldn't be cured or if I died in my sleep I would not be unhappy... You are depressed and to have these thoughts isn't going to help you. Sure you're hurting but what you are doing to get yourself back on the healing path? Therapy and reaching out friends. If your family can't help you and support you through this, then reach out more here, PM me, and keep posting. Be active in getting yourself better. Don't give him this power to ruin YOUR life, which is a gift...Even though right now you feel it isn't. Trust me, wishing that you had an incurable disease that will lead you to death is something you don't want..Try not to let yourself have thoughts like that, k. Thanks WWIU, I am doing all the right things to move on from this but I guess the time of the year and, what feels like triggers just about everywhere are just getting me down. I am in IC, my friends are great and my job keeps me busy. Please don't get me wrong I'm not moping around feeling sorry for myself but these feeling that are deep down inside of me just won't budge!!
Author hopeless4u Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 This describes how I felt for well over a year after d-day. So many times I just wished for a passive death (ie one I didn't have to cause myself). Having gone through this I would never ever be an OW and risk inflicting this on another woman... It will get better with time they say... Hey Sid, well at least I know its normal now, you have no idea how much better that makes me feel! Yes, me also....never, ever be an OW.....
Author hopeless4u Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 I know that feeling. Some time ago I was going through a period when I wished a car came with very high speed and hit me, whenever I was crossing a road. But I also know that if I was ACTUALLY told that I had an incurable illness I wouldn't be happy at all. I would then appreciate life. And you would too. You know? But I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. It won't mean anything to you if I say that life will be good again for you one day, but it will. I promise. And for now - what makes you most unhappy? What would you like to change? Only answer if you're ok with it. ((hugs)) The million dollar question....what would I like to change?? I just want 'me' back... xMM once said to me when I told him I felt lonely when we split up 'you don't have to be alone to feel lonely, I feel lonely too'. I never really understood what he meant till now.
Author hopeless4u Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 H4U...Listen I remember where I was 2 years ago. I was out of my marriage only already 10 months from my marriage. I was struggling with the breaking up of my family. I was on depression and sleep medication. I lost 45 lbs. over a 2 month period and my hair was falling out. I was having panic attacks daily and was going to therapy. I honestly thought of suicide. It was also clear to me that my xMW was not going to leave her situation. Which at that time I was so crazy I went knocking on her door for our only D-day. All I can say is it does get better. I finally start focusing on ME. It's been a long hard road but I can say I'm at a point where I can discuss it and it doesn't bother me and even though my xMW reaches out every so often I just feel pity and sorry for her. So sad. My point is I hit rock bottom several times. It's not fun I lost a lot of friends cause they couldn't see what my xMW was doing to me. I have since started rebuilding my relationships with them. Hang in there....my prayers are out to you. Time does heal...if you are willing to do that work. Hey C4N, its been a year since DDay #1, I really thought I would be over it all by now. My friends are great, I am very lucky. I don't really talk about xMM much but I know if I needed to they would be there for me but I feel like I'm feeling sorry for myself when I hit a 'downer' so thats when I usually come here. My IC says I should allow myself to grieve and not think of it as 'feeling sorry for myself' but I'm naturally a strong person so its hard.....
Author hopeless4u Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 H4U, it sounds like you may be having a major depressive episode--which is understandable under the circumstances. Have you spoken to your MD about the possibility of getting a prescription for an antidepressant? A good antidepressant--and by "good" I mean one that works for you--won't suddenly make you happy, but it can help stabilize your mood so you can function again. This relationship has drained and depleted you to the point that you don't see the value in your life, but you do have value and you deserve joy and love and all the good things life has to offer. Please take care of yourself. ((Hugs)) I'm not really one for pills and TBH I am functioning on a day to day basis, if I'm honest I just miss him, the person not the relationship....
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