My situation...

[edb9818]

My wife and I have been married for 12 years, with two beautiful kiddos! The last couple of years, we've been fairly distant. She's just fairly recently started going out drinking with her "girlfriends" until wee hours in the morning about every other week. I will admit, that when she said she'd be home at midnight and one o'clock rolled around... I would start to call her phone, repeatedly until she answered (which she usually blamed "loud" music or not hearing her phone for not picking up sooner). She'd always say she didn't realize the time, and she'd be home shortly (which she always did come home shortly after that). By then, I was already upset (you know how us guys are... we start to envision the worst), and that would usually result in an argument. Well, I noticed also that she's been spending a LOT of time at our local gym (which I'm also a member of... but I don't usually go with her, because one of us usually has to stay with our kids). She'd be there 4-5 hours at a time, and she said it's because she would run on the treadmill, go to spinning class, then sit in the sauna for 30-45 minutes, then take a long cool shower (this was her routine). So, I decided on one of her trips to drive up to the gym and low-and-behold, her truck was NOT in the parking lot. I called her cell, and she didn't answer. I sent her a text and told her it was an "emergency" and to call me back. About 10 minutes later, she did and apologized that she didn't answer because she was in spinning class at the gym. When I confronted her, and asked her where she was parked because I was there... she quickly changed her story and said she had gotten hungry and went and grabbed something to eat. I asked where multiple times, and she told me "Don't worry about it, just go home and I'll meet you there!". I snapped, told her don't worry about coming home, and that I had caught her red-handed not just lying to me... but having an affair (which I can't prove, but all the flags were there). When I got home, I contacted the gym... and it turns out she hadn't been there in 3 weeks (because we swipe our membership card when we arrive at the front desk). She was SUPPOSED to be going there 2 times a week during this previous 3 weeks. When I confronted her on THIS, she blamed the gym for making a mistake or possibly not swiping her card!

 

So, out of frustration, and to "find myself"... I told her I had to leave and give us some space. I went to stay with a brother (who lived about 200 miles away) [i telecommute to work, so I can work from anywhere]. During this time, I sent her money to provide for the family. A month there, she called me and told me she filed for divorce. She said she hadn't been happy in years, and cared for me... but wasn't "in love" with me anymore. She said there was no physical attraction there, and that there was ABSOLUTELY no way she'd change her mind or work it out!

 

Stupid me, I called about every day for 2 months pleading and begging her to stop and think about us and the family, etc. I sent her texts, etc. It was actually embarrassing now looking back on it! She got rid of the house we rented, took our children and our furniture, and now lives in her own apartment (she did all this while I was out of town). So, I had no home or family to come back to (except my parents who also lived there).

 

Longer story short, I'm now living at my parents (just got here Thanksgiving) and looking at apartments. I've contacted a lawyer on my behalf for the divorce (I was served a decree while I was out of town, so I KNOW she filed). And here's what I'm asking you guys for:

 

1. She SWEARS up and down, that she hasn't been unfaithful. If she was, she'd have NO problems just telling me... because it's over now anyhow. What do you think of this, even with all the flags?

2. She said I became TOO controlling and jealous, and she felt she was coming home to her "daddy" (having to explain her where-abouts), and she wasn't going to put up with this! Do you guys think I may have stepped over a line, or did I have legitimate concerns to be questionable... and maybe I didn't handle it correctly?

3. She's not being mean in the divorce. She said I can have whatever I want, and is giving us shared custody of the kids (even stated this in the decree). She just wants out... with no fighting or fuss. She actually (even after all the pleading I did) STILL answers my calls, although I have stopped all that and grew some balls. We're very nice to each other on the phone, and still see each other about 3-4 times a week while we exchange the kids. We both agreed not to date or anything until AFTER the divorce is final... because of the kids, and it's just "right" that way. She also no longer wants to talk about "us" or anything right now... but did agree that if she started having doubts or regrets she would tell me.

 

Knowing all this (#3), I want you all to know that I DO blame a lot on how she feels on the way I treated her (she did A LOT of the housework, I never went places with her and the kids... instead was always at home in front of my computer, etc.) I realize now what I've done, and it's probably too late. But, I do want her back... and I do still love her very much! Even if she had an affair, I think it's something workable and I could definitely forgive (again, especially with the way I became). My question is... with her stance on not wanting to talk about "us" and her position, what are the odds she does still hold on to something? I'm a fool for trying to keep my family and wife of 12 years together (yes, the way I tried to hold on was FOOLISH, but I've been reading stuff [ie. The Divorce Remedy... which is really good btw] and taking a different approach and views on things)? ANY advice would be appreciated, even if its telling me I should just cut ties and move on (but please give me feedback also as to why)!

 

Thanks guys!

 

Respectfully,

Eric

[whichwayisup]

You have some options, here are some ideas..

 

Tell her, let's stay separated but let's date. Tell her how much you love her and the family, that you totally regret not being involved and now are ready to prove to her that family in number one, not sitting infront of the computer so you don't do family stuff and family outings. (those issues you need to work on and really put effort into changing) For the kids sake you both need to give it your best, one last shot before throwing in the towel, to try to reconnect and get back what you once had.

 

Anyway, you two loved eachother alot, got married and had kids. Let life get in the way and neither of you spoke up, instead you lived your own separate lives under one roof. She grew apart from you, probably did alot of grieving and letting go way before she chose to file. You leaving just made it easier for her to do..

 

It's good you two are getting along, keep it that way for the kids sake.

 

Or don't date, but keep the lines of communication open while you work on yourself. If you can show her that you've changed, not just words but in actions, be more involved, help out more, then maybe she will come around again.

[Steadfast]

She's already proven to be a liar, why should you believe anything she says? At this point, I'd believe nothing I hear and only half of what I see.

 

You already know the harder you try to convince her, the more she'll resist. You've made your mistakes, but there's little I can see from this point forward you can do but formalize the custody arrangement and move on. This situation should prove again to men everywhere NOT to leave the home when marriage troubles arise. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER leave the home. We (men) think that leaving will 'punish' the wayward wife into missing us and wanting us to come home, but the reality is nothing could please them more. You played right into her hands. Be smarter now!

 

Go home and take care of your kids. Stop being a fool and grow up. Sorry, but it is something all betrayed fathers need to hear from time to time.

 

When a woman says she doesn't love you, believe it. When a woman says she's not in love with you, 99.999% of the time she's in love with someone else. She has exhibited all the classic signs of a cheating wife, but until you know for sure there's always some doubt. The odds say she's cheated.

 

Go home, get legal council and do not talk to your wife about anything. Except, maybe the kids. I'd start and stop there. No questions, no small talk. Just smile, pick up the kids, say thanks then repeat when you return them. This is not to play games with her, it's for you. Limit interaction.

 

Time to stand on your own. Good luck, and keep posting-

[Distant78]

She's already proven to be a liar, why should you believe anything she says? At this point, I'd believe nothing I hear and only half of what I see.

 

You already know the harder you try to convince her, the more she'll resist. You've made your mistakes, but there's little I can see from this point forward you can do but formalize the custody arrangement and move on. This situation should prove again to men everywhere NOT to leave the home when marriage troubles arise. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER leave the home. We (men) think that leaving will 'punish' the wayward wife into missing us and wanting us to come home, but the reality is nothing could please them more. You played right into her hands. Be smarter now!

 

Go home and take care of your kids. Stop being a fool and grow up. Sorry, but it is something all betrayed fathers need to hear from time to time.

 

When a woman says she doesn't love you, believe it. When a woman says she's not in love with you, 99.999% of the time she's in love with someone else. She has exhibited all the classic signs of a cheating wife, but until you know for sure there's always some doubt. The odds say she's cheated.

 

Go home, get legal council and do not talk to your wife about anything. Except, maybe the kids. I'd start and stop there. No questions, no small talk. Just smile, pick up the kids, say thanks then repeat when you return them. This is not to play games with her, it's for you. Limit interaction.

 

Time to stand on your own. Good luck, and keep posting-

 

The guy is just noticing that his wife is a cheater. If anyone should leave it should be her azz. THAT'S what men need to get through their head. Just because she's a woman doesn't give her a free pass. She wants her dyck on the side let her have it in a hotel room that will come out of her own pocket.

[Eddie Edirol]

even if its telling me I should just cut ties and move on (but please give me feedback also as to why)!

 

Heres why...She moved on from you probably years ago, so she cant stand the sight of you now. So while you took her for granted, she was emotionally checking out. She will never check back in, since she is with someone else now. So dont hope for her to turn around, she most likely wont. Bottom line, find someone new, and make sure you pay attention to them throughout the entire relationship. Women need attention and romance constantly or they will find it elsewhere. There could be a number of reasons why she lost interest in you, your best bet is to read around the board and find similar situations to yours. Theres plenty of them.

[edb9818]

Hey everybody, thank you guys for your feedback thus far. In my mind, she's also been unfaithful (and that's all that really matters I suppose, whether she has been or not). I don't think moving on at this moment is all that difficult. I've always had interest of other women for me, though I always politely pushed them aside because I was married. It's just the pain our children are going through that upsets me at times... leaving me angry with her (and me having to step back and realize it's my fault also).

One thing I see on these boards are a LOT of hatred towards people who've cheated on their spouses. All I have to say, is that the lure can happen to the best of us! We're human, and all of us are tempted at times! You just have to have the smarts to avoid situations where it COULD happen, and play it smart. Unfortunately, not everybody sees that... or doesn't care by the time temptation comes knocking. So again, if she did cheat... not only would I take partial blame for it, but I would understand. To me, it isn't a deal breaker unless it's something habitual or she constantly lied to me about. I think you'd be surprised how many spouses may ACTUALLY be forgiving if the 'cheaters' would just fess up and apologize when the other spouse presents them with their suspicions, rather than just add salt to the wound and lie about it... making the accusing spouse feel guilty and ridden (even crazy at times) for accusing. THAT is sometimes the unforgivable part!