Author siuys Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 MM used to say that the longer we were seeing each other the more likely she'd find out. I truly think he did want to get caught so she'd make his decision for him. He wouldn't be the bad guy for leaving her, she'd just kick him out. Neither happened. She didn't find out on her own, he told her. She didn't kick him out, she wanted to fix it. Now he has to live in his personal unhappy hell. No matter how well you know someone, you can never predict what they'll do when they receive this information. First of all, let me say that I am glad you are doing better. I know how hard it is. I wouldn't know the first thing about handling this in the workplace but you're doing great. Soon, you will look back and be so proud of your own strength. I am sure there are MMs out there who secretly wish to be discovered. The A is probably tormenting them with guilt and what not, and at least when it's out in the open, they feel relieved and now only need to pick up the pieces. And if their wives take them back, all the better. They won't have an easy journey. xMM had an A 11 years ago. He confessed and they worked on it and was ok for probably 2-3 years until it went downhill again. Sure, some couples manage to re-invent their M, but I wonder about the odds of that. I know for a fact that MM's W is still not completely over the A from 11 years ago. So if I really wanted to screw up their M, I could use my trump card, but I do not want to go there unless he becomes nasty. And be thankful that although you are alone now, you are not in such a big mess like he is. I feel sorry for xMM now. He is genuinely torn, confused, guilty all that. But sorry, can't be there for him anymore. He is a big boy, he better handle it and grow some balls.
Author siuys Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 With your new perspective, caring for yourself and beginning to heal, it almost becomes painfully clear that this man just isn't capable. Period. I suspect, that even if he'd never gone back home & you two were in a proper relationship, his inability to reason & make healthy choices would have reared its head in other areas of life, leaving YOU to hold things together all the time. How exhausting. Let me just say, lovely, that I am so impressed with how you're progressing here - you are so much greater a woman than I. You inspire me, and I'm sure loads of others who come here looking for help and hope. Keep doing the RIGHT thing...you know exactly what that is for you. <3 INF, you are right. Even if we got together 'properly' now he has a mountain of work to do so reality is, it probably won't happen. Plus he's still living at home! I can only concentrate on my journey of recovery, nothing else. And be prepared for the obstacles he put along the way. You are doing great, too. Never put yourself down. I think it's just a process. You can't skip chapters unfortunately. I wish I could just fast forward and be well now, but then I would have missed the lesson... hang in there. Hugs.
Author siuys Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 Hi siuys, First thing to notice is that he is offering you absolutely nothing new ! Second, this is a kind of test to see if you can start all over again, he knows you have feelings for him and he is testing. I have posted an entire thread "Why do they break NC", which might be useful in your situation : http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t252734/ As many posters suggested you option 2 and 3, let's analyze what would happen : Option 2 : He will get a straightforward and clear answer BUT he might also consider that the very fact you are asking him to make a choice means that you are waiting for his choice ! Do you follow me? Don't come back until you have the D papers = I'm giving you an option to come back = I am waiting for you in silence. Option 3 : IGNORE ! He will be hurt by you ignoring him but he deserves that after all what he put you through. That will drive him crazy and heck he deserves that too. If he really wants you he will move mountains, he will send you flowers with cards 'Siuys please forgive me, I want you for the rest of my life' - Ignoring him will put him under tremendous withdrawal and pressure and if he has the balls, he will do the right things. Don't forget he threw you under the bus for going back to his W. ZERO tolerance for someone who threw you under the bus. Option 3 is the winner Totally right, East. I know Option 1 and 2 will be keeping the door open. Hence I have opted for 3. And mind you, he has thrown me under the bus twice. If i had any dignity and self respect left, no. 3 is the only way. I was a complete mess yesterday but somehow for some strange reason, I managed not to send that reply. I have decided I don't want to filter his emails or block his calls either. I want to be able to face them and ignore them or do whatever that is necessary depending on where I'm at. Plus if he is at all decent, he will stop pestering me. He did say in his email he does not expect me to reply if I don't choose to. He wanted me just to reply 'OK' to let him know that I am OK. Well, what a ****ing idiot i thought. Sure, you really care about ME, i thought...
MorningCoffee Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Totally right, East. I know Option 1 and 2 will be keeping the door open. Hence I have opted for 3. And mind you, he has thrown me under the bus twice. If i had any dignity and self respect left, no. 3 is the only way. I was a complete mess yesterday but somehow for some strange reason, I managed not to send that reply. I have decided I don't want to filter his emails or block his calls either. I want to be able to face them and ignore them or do whatever that is necessary depending on where I'm at. Plus if he is at all decent, he will stop pestering me. He did say in his email he does not expect me to reply if I don't choose to. He wanted me just to reply 'OK' to let him know that I am OK. Well, what a ****ing idiot i thought. Sure, you really care about ME, i thought... Suiys, Re the bolded, NOT so strange a reason at all -- you did not send the reply because you have made progress and just haven't maybe fully recognized yet how much, but it is the progress you have made that enabled you not to send a reply. Good for you! Keep it up!
Author siuys Posted December 19, 2010 Author Posted December 19, 2010 Thanks, MC. I hope you're right! Not sure if I'm deluding myself, but I feel indifference might be setting in, even if it's ever so slight. Because of that email, I realised that he doesn't really care about me. He only SAYS he does. I realised that he's a complete mess and wuss, and is not able to honour our agreement. He wrote and offer me nothing but still want to meet, and possibly have sex, although it would be 'very hard on him'. I think back of the good times we had, and realised it's him that is missing out, not me. If he is truly miserable in his M and unable to leave, the misery is with him, not me. Because of his email, i have lost a bit more respect and trust in him, and I think that is why indifference is starting to creep in. If he leaves me alone from now on, I may regain some respect, but if he keeps contact and offers nothing, then I am DEFINITELY on the road to recovery quicker than ever. I told him once that whatever we had he's basically killed it but it's not dead dead, it's in a coma. But right now, I think it's closer to dead dead, at least I hope so.
Owl Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 I'd like to recommend option #4. BLOCK him from contacting you again. Block his email, block his calls/texts from your phones, block him from your facebook, and basically remove all his simple, easy ways of contacting you when he wants to go fishing next time. Remove him from all of the above as well so that you can't do the same when you're feeling weak. Take positive ACTION to regain your life.
Confused4Now Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 I'd like to recommend option #4. BLOCK him from contacting you again. Block his email, block his calls/texts from your phones, block him from your facebook, and basically remove all his simple, easy ways of contacting you when he wants to go fishing next time. Remove him from all of the above as well so that you can't do the same when you're feeling weak. Take positive ACTION to regain your life.Totally agree with this....this will help you get to a point where your anxieties will get under control.
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