MM broke NC on Day 18

[siuys]

xMM just sent an email last night. long story short, he's fishing, wanting to know if i'm still there for him, suggesting we meet but also telling me he hasn't made any decisions, or even talked to his W about leaving. his email basically offered me absolutely nothing, and the situation has not changed one bit.

 

i will for sure not meet or talk. i have been toying with the idea of replying by email. i have been pm-ing a couple of people asking for advice (thank you you know who you are). i am throwing this out here on LS to get some opinion and to buy time while I think about what I want to do.

 

At present i think best to ignore him. although he has set me back emotionally because of the email, at this point i have not broken NC, my head is still relatively clear. his email also showed me how selfish he is. but a friend used a great analogy, xMM has just broken his leg, how the hell is he able to take care and consider others right now? he himself needs to come first. so it's up to me to walk away, however horrible that may sound, coz all xmm is doing now is using me as an emotional crutch.

 

so i have basically 3 options:

 

1. A slightly longer email outlining what it takes for him to get back into my life (which is file for D - which i have said before but was not adamant). when we said 'goodbye' we left it open-ended so not in my best interest.

 

2. Ahort one or two sentence telling him not to contact me until he's filed and moved out. end of story.

 

3. Ignore

 

Options 1 and 2 leave the door open. Option 3 gives me the most power probably and best for me. I can buy time to work towards writing him out of my life.

 

Knowing his pattern, if I go for 3, I must be prepared that he will turn up at my door and what I need to do if he does. Coz if he turns up next week, i know I am not strong enough to say no just yet, not face to face.

 

This guy is like a leech.

[calliope]

At present i think best to ignore him.

 

3. Ignore

 

Option 3 gives me the most power probably and best for me. I can buy time to work towards writing him out of my life.

 

This guy is like a leech.

 

Sounds like you already know the best answer for you...

[LucreziaBorgia]

If you do anything other than '3' he gets what he wants: your attention, and you get what you do not want: more hurt.

[SidLyon]

xMM just sent an email last night. long story short, he's fishing, wanting to know if i'm still there for him, suggesting we meet but also telling me he hasn't made any decisions, or even talked to his W about leaving. his email basically offered me absolutely nothing, and the situation has not changed one bit.

 

i will for sure not meet or talk. i have been toying with the idea of replying by email. i have been pm-ing a couple of people asking for advice (thank you you know who you are). i am throwing this out here on LS to get some opinion and to buy time while I think about what I want to do.

 

At present i think best to ignore him. although he has set me back emotionally because of the email, at this point i have not broken NC, my head is still relatively clear. his email also showed me how selfish he is. but a friend used a great analogy, xMM has just broken his leg, how the hell is he able to take care and consider others right now? he himself needs to come first. so it's up to me to walk away, however horrible that may sound, coz all xmm is doing now is using me as an emotional crutch.

 

so i have basically 3 options:

 

1. A slightly longer email outlining what it takes for him to get back into my life (which is file for D - which i have said before but was not adamant). when we said 'goodbye' we left it open-ended so not in my best interest.

 

2. Ahort one or two sentence telling him not to contact me until he's filed and moved out. end of story.

 

3. Ignore

 

Options 1 and 2 leave the door open. Option 3 gives me the most power probably and best for me. I can buy time to work towards writing him out of my life.

 

Knowing his pattern, if I go for 3, I must be prepared that he will turn up at my door and what I need to do if he does. Coz if he turns up next week, i know I am not strong enough to say no just yet, not face to face.

 

This guy is like a leech.

 

I can't remember your story. Is your MM one of the ones who's been back and forth, pretending he was moving out when really he was just staying at a friend's place?

 

If so I agree "ignore" is best.

 

If not then even though I'm a BW I would not stand in the way of "true love" so I would opt for No 2. Two sentences are enough:

 

"I would like to hear from you again only when you have told your wife about me, moved out and started divorce proceedings. Until then all further contact from you to me will be ignored."

 

Then ignore him until all 3 have occurred.

[siuys]

hi sid, he moved out for 6 months and then moved back home. flipped and flopped a couple of times. 10 month affair. now back to square one. i understand where you're coming from but i am still undecided. leaving the door open will only cause myself pain and asking for trouble. he knows dam well what he needs to do and what i want. i am beginning to really wonder why he sent me that email with nothing to offer. he needs to be able to leave his M regardless of me. otherwise it will never work. thanks for your input though. i have yet to make a decision but as long as i cannot, i'll ignore.

[whichwayisup]

I'm having two trains of thought here...

 

ONE....

Send him an email, but not a reply to his email. Start a new one and ask him to please respect your wishes to leave you alone, and that means no emails, no calls, no texts, no coming by your house. Make it clear to him NOT to reply to your email and that you're done.Don't acknowledge anything he said in the email, completely ignore since he is fishing for your reaction.

 

TWO..

Or just ignore the email and go on with your NC. You didn't break NC, he did, but on one level you did break NC by reading his email. Can you block him? Or move all your contacts to a new email address and close the other account?

[Ellin]

My take: ignore..

 

Then get a very bad dog and keep it in front of your house door..

[Confused4Now]

hi sid, he moved out for 6 months and then moved back home. flipped and flopped a couple of times. 10 month affair. now back to square one. i understand where you're coming from but i am still undecided. leaving the door open will only cause myself pain and asking for trouble. he knows dam well what he needs to do and what i want. i am beginning to really wonder why he sent me that email with nothing to offer. he needs to be able to leave his M regardless of me. otherwise it will never work. thanks for your input though. i have yet to make a decision but as long as i cannot, i'll ignore.

He offered you nothing...he did it cause he can...he has nothing to lose. He knows you will keep his secrets. So until you say "HEY listen leave me alone or the next mail will be forwarded to your W" I can assure you it will stop him dead.

[Carrot2000]

If you think option 3 will invite further escalate his attempts at contact, I think you should take option 2, but follow WWIU's advice on how to respond. Also, set his email address as junk mail so it doesn't even land in your inbox.

[KarmasTestDummy]

If you think option 3 will invite further escalate his attempts at contact, I think you should take option 2, but follow WWIU's advice on how to respond. Also, set his email address as junk mail so it doesn't even land in your inbox.

 

I disagree. Sending his emails to junk mail is the same as doing option 3, and will result in him showing up unexpectedly, without even having the chance to expect it and prepare or avoid him. That will be the ultimate setback.

[half_ofa_heart]

Hi Siuys,

 

I say IGNORE!!!!

 

I just answered the phone and am back at square 1. Don't do it!! Not number 1 or number 2. Choose door number 3!!! You don't know for sure that he'll show up right??? take that chance and ignore. Don't get sucked back in. Please don't. I've had the worst 4 days since. Slowly sinking back in - I can feel it. Please please please. I hope I'm not too late.

[siuys]

Thank you all. I have not done anything yet so I guess that's number 3. Question is if I can keep doing that.

 

I have an incredible urge to END IT today. I have had it up to my eyeballs and I feel like emailing or texting him to say it's so over and I never want to hear from him again. That there is no future and if he contacts me his W will know about it. This is my trump card. I really don't want to use it, but I think I may have to. If not now, then soon.

 

I cannot live like this for long anymore. If I don't REALLY end it, he will keep coming back with emails and what not and affect me in a negative way.

 

My heart is not ready for that trump card yet but I'm very close.

[half_ofa_heart]

Thank you all. I have not done anything yet so I guess that's number 3. Question is if I can keep doing that.

 

I have an incredible urge to END IT today. I have had it up to my eyeballs and I feel like emailing or texting him to say it's so over and I never want to hear from him again. That there is no future and if he contacts me his W will know about it. This is my trump card. I really don't want to use it, but I think I may have to. If not now, then soon.

 

I cannot live like this for long anymore. If I don't REALLY end it, he will keep coming back with emails and what not and affect me in a negative way.

 

My heart is not ready for that trump card yet but I'm very close.

 

 

I so know what you mean but be strong! Take time for yourself to figure out for sure whether using your trump card is best. For now, ignore and go about your holidays.

[siuys]

Hi Siuys,

 

I say IGNORE!!!!

 

I just answered the phone and am back at square 1. Don't do it!! Not number 1 or number 2. Choose door number 3!!! You don't know for sure that he'll show up right??? take that chance and ignore. Don't get sucked back in. Please don't. I've had the worst 4 days since. Slowly sinking back in - I can feel it. Please please please. I hope I'm not too late.

 

heart, sorry you broke NC. what happened? so what sort of a conversation did you end up having? how long NC until that phone call? hang in there and don't budge!

[calliope]

I so know what you mean but be strong! Take time for yourself to figure out for sure whether using your trump card is best. For now, ignore and go about your holidays.

Using your trump card may not necessarily solve this either. My MM kept saying that if she found out she'd kick him out, etc. He fessed up himself - twice. The first time 7 wks ago, then just a couple of wks ago when he left with a bag. He went back after 2 days and now they're doing MC and he's doing NC to me...

[siuys]

Thanks, Calli. I have thought about that too. Sometimes I wonder if he wants to secretly get caught. The **** would hit the fan and then he'd HAVE to deal with it. I can honestly say that if I use my trump card, then I know for CERTAIN that I want to end it so if he does NC or if I never see him again in my life I wouldn't care. But if I am not ready, I guess I shouldn't do that. I want to save this as my last resort. I now hope he leaves me alone for at least another three weeks so that I can recover and move further forward. Maybe the next time he contacts me, I will not be affected as much, and I will be one step closer to indifference. That would be a good space to be in this scenario. How sick is that?!?!

 

How are you doing today, Calli?

[siuys]

Using your trump card may not necessarily solve this either. My MM kept saying that if she found out she'd kick him out, etc. He fessed up himself - twice. The first time 7 wks ago, then just a couple of wks ago when he left with a bag. He went back after 2 days and now they're doing MC and he's doing NC to me...

 

I guess it's not over till it's over... I remember walking away from my M knowing in my heart that it's over. I knew I was hurting my xH (had an exit affair) but it was like a compelling push that pushed me out the door and nothing was going to keep me there. And it was around Xmas time but I didn't care. I needed to leave my M that was the goal. So unless it is truly over, what you described will happen. I never knew about this as I have never experienced it so when xMM moved out, I thought he was done... until his W suggested to give their M another go. Live and learn.

[Hazyhead]

xMM just sent an email last night. long story short, he's fishing, wanting to know if i'm still there for him, suggesting we meet but also telling me he hasn't made any decisions, or even talked to his W about leaving. his email basically offered me absolutely nothing, and the situation has not changed one bit.

 

i will for sure not meet or talk. i have been toying with the idea of replying by email. i have been pm-ing a couple of people asking for advice (thank you you know who you are). i am throwing this out here on LS to get some opinion and to buy time while I think about what I want to do.

 

At present i think best to ignore him. although he has set me back emotionally because of the email, at this point i have not broken NC, my head is still relatively clear. his email also showed me how selfish he is. but a friend used a great analogy, xMM has just broken his leg, how the hell is he able to take care and consider others right now? he himself needs to come first. so it's up to me to walk away, however horrible that may sound, coz all xmm is doing now is using me as an emotional crutch.

 

so i have basically 3 options:

 

1. A slightly longer email outlining what it takes for him to get back into my life (which is file for D - which i have said before but was not adamant). when we said 'goodbye' we left it open-ended so not in my best interest.

 

2. Ahort one or two sentence telling him not to contact me until he's filed and moved out. end of story.

 

3. Ignore

 

Options 1 and 2 leave the door open. Option 3 gives me the most power probably and best for me. I can buy time to work towards writing him out of my life.

 

Knowing his pattern, if I go for 3, I must be prepared that he will turn up at my door and what I need to do if he does. Coz if he turns up next week, i know I am not strong enough to say no just yet, not face to face.

 

This guy is like a leech.

 

Siuys, you are so smart

 

The wisdom with which you post, despite being only a few weeks into NC is awesome. In your head you have the situation and him completely sussed, nobody need tell you what it is he's up to because you've got it. That is so admirable.

 

With regards to what you should do, I think your options are good'uns, it's just which one to choose. Although I love option 3 and do think it would be the best one for your healing, from experience I doubt it would work. He'd keep trying... a text asking you if you got his email, then a message through all the social networking sites you use asking you if you got his text and then, realising he might be being ignored (it takes them a while), a note through your door apologising if he's hurting you by continuing to contact you, but he just needs to know you're alright blah, blah, blah... Soon you're walking down the street and a plane comes past with a banner attached 'Dear siuys, I love you, please talk to me'. Later that day a car with a loud speaker attached... Okay, maybe extreme, but I think giving him the message sooner rather than later will keep you on your path without the hassle dragging out because if he keeps trying to contact you, like you say 'fishing', it's another thing for you to deal with regarding him, and you have enough just to get your head and heart a bit clearer.

 

So, I'd go option 2. Keep it brief but let him know what it is you need, and nothing more or less. You're right in saying he needs to sort himself out, and will do so far more effectively if you are not there in any way for him to lean on. Let him carry his own weight until he's straight.

 

Other than that - you are doing fab!

 

Hugs,

Hazy

Edited December 19, 2010 by Hazyhead

[siuys]

Thanks hazy but frankly, the last thing i see myself right now is being smart. i feel like a complete mug as a matter of fact for getting involved with an MM.

 

i see where you're coming from in terms of my options. and you're probably right, with option 3, i may end up hearing from him more than i want to. but you know what, i'll wait. i'm not doing anything right now, which means by default i'm ignoring him. it's because i can always respond, but i cannot undo my response. and right now, i have the power to do or not do anything. it's not a game, but it's important for my wellbeing. and maybe, just maybe, he will reflect upon his actions and email, and ask himself why on earth would anyone respond to NOTHING?! why should anyone even entertain the thought after all what's happened? after he moved back into his marital home and back to square one after 6 months. after he said he was moving ahead with me, and now sleeping again next to or with his W. after we agreed to leave each other alone and now he shot me this pathetic email just before xmas. to rub it in? so i can have a real merry one while he continues to play happy family man after he gets his fix? what does all this tell me? that he's never dealt with the issues until now. even now he is not dealing with them yet. he's only BEGINNING to realise he has to. I might have been the catalyst back in May when he moved out swiftly, but now he has to finally stand on his own two feet... oh, poor sod. without the help of some woman he cannot handle his divorce. poor, poor sod.

 

i am sure i will feel different again tomorrow. but his email has ruined the day for me. i let it, i know. coz i am not there yet that it does not affect me so much. so, right now, i will continue to ignore until my head is clearer.

 

thanks hazy for your input. i appreciate it, as always.

[silverplanets]

Hi siuys,

 

My only real thoughts on this are that 1) you have done yourself proud by recognising that nothing has changed at his end and it is just fishing , and 2) you have done yourself proud by recognizing that it is your needs that determine if/how you react.

 

My view (for what it's worth) is that you have a simple descision to make - do you absolutely want him out, out, out of your life or not.

 

If no, then it doesn't matter what option you choose as your conflicted intention will eventually show through.

 

If yes, then again, it doesn't matter what option you choose as your resolute intention will shine through.

 

Action you CAN take is to change your email address, phone number etc. (No matter how awkward it is for you !!),

 

Should he turn up and pester you then a simple letter from a lawyer/solicitor will suffice.

 

All this YOU can do yourself, without drama.

 

It really is down to your deep, inner intention.

 

Kr

Chris

[calliope]

Thanks, Calli. I have thought about that too. Sometimes I wonder if he wants to secretly get caught. The **** would hit the fan and then he'd HAVE to deal with it. I can honestly say that if I use my trump card, then I know for CERTAIN that I want to end it so if he does NC or if I never see him again in my life I wouldn't care. But if I am not ready, I guess I shouldn't do that. I want to save this as my last resort.

 

 

MM used to say that the longer we were seeing each other the more likely she'd find out. I truly think he did want to get caught so she'd make his decision for him. He wouldn't be the bad guy for leaving her, she'd just kick him out. Neither happened.

 

She didn't find out on her own, he told her. She didn't kick him out, she wanted to fix it. Now he has to live in his personal unhappy hell. No matter how well you know someone, you can never predict what they'll do when they receive this information.

[calliope]

 

How are you doing today, Calli?

 

I'm doing ok today, but I had a really rough week, seeing him at work. Mentally and emotionally exhausting - I posted about it yesterday.

 

I'm feeling a bit better today after a lot of thinking yesterday. I think I'm starting to get angry....!

[ItsNeverForever]

Oh, siuys...I read this post, what he wrote in that email, and all I could say was, WOW. REALLY?? REALLLLLY??!!??!! What a load of selfish, and frankly really lame hooey. He knows full well how he's crushed your heart, and this was his idea of a good thing? Delusional is what comes to mind for me. Wait...that, and one more word: mean. He continues to be careless with your heart.

 

I, being not quite so resolute in my own situation yet (understatement) am the last to advise on what you should do with this. It sucks to love someone so much and realize how unhealthy they continue to be, after all that you've been through together. With your new perspective, caring for yourself and beginning to heal, it almost becomes painfully clear that this man just isn't capable. Period. I suspect, that even if he'd never gone back home & you two were in a proper relationship, his inability to reason & make healthy choices would have reared its head in other areas of life, leaving YOU to hold things together all the time. How exhausting.

 

Let me just say, lovely, that I am so impressed with how you're progressing here - you are so much greater a woman than I. You inspire me, and I'm sure loads of others who come here looking for help and hope. Keep doing the RIGHT thing...you know exactly what that is for you.

 

<3

[East7]

Hi siuys,

 

First thing to notice is that he is offering you absolutely nothing new !

 

Second, this is a kind of test to see if you can start all over again, he knows you have feelings for him and he is testing. I have posted an entire thread "Why do they break NC", which might be useful in your situation :

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t252734/

 

As many posters suggested you option 2 and 3, let's analyze what would happen :

 

 

• Option 2 : He will get a straightforward and clear answer BUT he might also consider that the very fact you are asking him to make a choice means that you are waiting for his choice ! Do you follow me?
  

Don't come back until you have the D papers = I'

m

giving you an option to come back = I am waiting for you in silence.

• Option 3 : IGNORE ! He will be hurt by you ignoring him but he deserves that after all what he put you through. That will drive him crazy and heck he deserves that too. If he really wants you he will move mountains, he will send you flowers with cards 'Siuys please forgive me, I want you for the rest of my life' - Ignoring him will put him under tremendous withdrawal and pressure and if he has the balls, he will do the right things. Don't forget he threw you under the bus for going back to his W. ZERO tolerance for someone who threw you under the bus.
  

Option 3 is the winner

[siuys]

Hi siuys,

 

My only real thoughts on this are that 1) you have done yourself proud by recognising that nothing has changed at his end and it is just fishing , and 2) you have done yourself proud by recognizing that it is your needs that determine if/how you react.

 

My view (for what it's worth) is that you have a simple descision to make - do you absolutely want him out, out, out of your life or not.

 

If no, then it doesn't matter what option you choose as your conflicted intention will eventually show through.

 

If yes, then again, it doesn't matter what option you choose as your resolute intention will shine through.

 

Action you CAN take is to change your email address, phone number etc. (No matter how awkward it is for you !!),

 

Should he turn up and pester you then a simple letter from a lawyer/solicitor will suffice.

 

All this YOU can do yourself, without drama.

 

It really is down to your deep, inner intention.

 

Kr

Chris

 

Thank you planet, without you mentioning this, I probably would not have realised but yes, for a change I was actually considering what was more important for ME.

 

Totally agree with everything here except I know deep down I am not there yet so ignore is my best option for now. And if can successfully ignore now, the chances are i can successfully ignore again. One day, I will get to that point where I no longer care, and like you said, it wouldn't matter any more then how I respond. Thank you.