mmiller5373 Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 I'm just curious if there's anyone on this board that can elaborate on how you felt after dumping someone you were in love with? I'm not talking about relationships that lasted a few months, I'm talking about years. What emotions did you go through? Why do lovers leave for another person? Is it just to cover up their pain... or do they actually believe this new person is better? How can someone say "I love you" one week, then a week later, break up?
GreenPolicy Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 Every breakup and the circumstances behind it are different. I'm sure some feel guilt for breaking your heart, whereas others are glad to be out of the relationship and never look back or give it any thought. It's not a good idea to focus on what they're thinking. They're not a part of your life anymore. It's better to focus on what you're thinking.
tobydog Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 yes, I'd love to know that too.....How could he leave us, his long awaited 4 yo son, lovely house, car and thriving business and 2 dogs for what? I don't even really know, I just know that in 13 weeks he has shown no care, consideration or compassion to either of us.......not when Matt was ill and then we were snowed in for a week..............
Anxiety Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 I don't think it just happens over night. I know my ex treated me different for 4 months before breaking it off. There were pockets of time where I felt like she still loved me, I think it takes them time to get the nerve to do it, to decide if its really what they want. It just feels sudden to us.
GreenPolicy Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 I was blindsided by my breakup and I don't think I could have reasonably anticipated it. But looking back, there were a few clues the last month that seem more important than they did at the time. She was a little more distant and less communicative than she had been in the past, she made a couple of weird comments that I should have followed up on, etc. I was still getting good signals (telling me what kind of engagement ring she wanted, reminding me her parents wanted to meet mine, etc). I realize now that she was beginning the process of uncoupling and withdrawing, but it was very subtle.
Anxiety Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 I was blindsided by my breakup and I don't think I could have reasonably anticipated it. But looking back, there were a few clues the last month that seem more important than they did at the time. She was a little more distant and less communicative than she had been in the past, she made a couple of weird comments that I should have followed up on, etc. I was still getting good signals (telling me what kind of engagement ring she wanted, reminding me her parents wanted to meet mine, etc). I realize now that she was beginning the process of uncoupling and withdrawing, but it was very subtle. That's how mine started, wanting a ring. Her spending more time texting on her phone than talking to me, me having to almost beg for a hug and kiss, going from having sex everyday to only once or twice a week and then wanting to go to sleep afterwards instead of snuggling. I knew it was the beginning of the end for me, I just tried to make it last as long as I could.
Graceful Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 I'm just curious if there's anyone on this board that can elaborate on how you felt after dumping someone you were in love with? I'm not talking about relationships that lasted a few months, I'm talking about years. What emotions did you go through? Why do lovers leave for another person? Is it just to cover up their pain... or do they actually believe this new person is better? How can someone say "I love you" one week, then a week later, break up? Agree with all the previous posts, and having been in your shoes, too, I know how it feels to try to understand: where was I all this time? was s/he in the same relationship I was in? You start to back track to see if you can see or find clues that you missed. But sometimes there are none, like for me, I didn't know for over a year my ex was cheating on me, seriously, no clue b/c there were no clues. He was the consummate actor. Always nice to me, always saying nice things to me, thanking me for making dinner, the whole nine yards. In reading about this both on message boards and in articles and books, the process of what is in their minds can be very slow. For some people, as in the case of my ex, they cannot BE ALONE for even five minutes. So they start the process of replacing you, and that can take as much as a year, maybe more. Seriously. That way they have someone lined up by the time they have the nerve to finally tell you it's over, so they won't be alone afterwards. This is more common than I ever realized. Also, some people are very lazy and complacent. They love you "enough" but not deeply. One day they just decide they need or want more, or think there is something better, and they just go POOF, gone. But this also takes place over many many months, even years, for some people, before they have the nerve to just toss the relationship out. They end up making it non-negotiable at that point, b/c they have been thinking about it for so long. You're hearing it for the first time. They seem to already be detached b/c they have detached mentally long before they break up. We're left in tatters, b/c we had no clue. It's as though we're still on the first chapter of the book, and they already skimmed all the way to the end. And we had no idea.
rhonian Posted December 19, 2010 Posted December 19, 2010 Wow, reading these replys has been very enlightening. I was the one who walked out last week after months of her "always" being right, putting me in her box, positioning me to have to give up my life to transfer it to her life. I was losing my individuality. Giving up everything (job, location, hobbies) for her. After reading these replies, I think she may have been slowly shutting the relationship down without me knowing. We still had sex but the intimacy wasnt there and I kept telling her we dont even kiss anymore and she would remain silent after that comment. I walked out but she may have walked out emotionally before me. I think now she might of had the attitude of "I dont love/want you anymore, but I dont want anyone else to have you, just yet!" Confused.....
Author mmiller5373 Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 In reading about this both on message boards and in articles and books, the process of what is in their minds can be very slow. For some people, as in the case of my ex, they cannot BE ALONE for even five minutes. So they start the process of replacing you, and that can take as much as a year, maybe more. Seriously. That way they have someone lined up by the time they have the nerve to finally tell you it's over, so they won't be alone afterwards. This is more common than I ever realized. Also, some people are very lazy and complacent. They love you "enough" but not deeply. One day they just decide they need or want more, or think there is something better, and they just go POOF, gone. But this also takes place over many many months, even years, for some people, before they have the nerve to just toss the relationship out. They end up making it non-negotiable at that point, b/c they have been thinking about it for so long. You're hearing it for the first time. They seem to already be detached b/c they have detached mentally long before they break up. We're left in tatters, b/c we had no clue. It's as though we're still on the first chapter of the book, and they already skimmed all the way to the end. And we had no idea. Looking back at my relationship, I can see that she detached herself from me many times, but only to run back to me. This last time, she was going out more, hanging out with friends she never had time for, and calling me less. Also, when she broke up with me she told me she wanted to be friends and that maybe it could work in a year; when she clearly knew it was 100% over and she didn't want me around. It was like an easy way to let me down, I guess. I guess what I'm realizing is that she basically used me to get her next man. Am I right? She didn't want to just up and leave without having her future set up first. Sometimes I just wanna ask for all the stuff back that I bought her and all the money I spent on her (because I did way more than she did) because everything was a lie, especially over the past year.
Recommended Posts