Famous words "I love you but not in love with you"

[DeBunked]

A while back W told me this and since that time she has not communicated with me. She has become distant and like other posts I've seen, cold...sex is still there on a minimal end but not as is was at one time.

She had two affairs years ago and we struggled through that period of time. We remained together but recently I began to suspect again. She doesn't use the internet much and while at work there are two guys she has become friendly with.

 

I have asked about them but have gotten an answer they are just friends. She has given them rides home on occasion and has had lunch with them.

 

We were out once and ran into a gal that used to work with wife. After some small talk the gal didnt really know we were married and had mentioned to me about another guy and my wife being close friends. He doesnt work there anymore but the gal told me there were rumors they were more then friends.

 

I had asked the W about it and she said she heard those rumors and even was asked that at work once by a co-worker which she said she told them they were just friends is all.

 

I asked about the guy who was a black guy and she said he was good looking but was attached and they were really just friends.

 

I have on occasion checked her cell phone and saw some text messages from the two more recent guys but nothing indicating romance. They were all work related.

 

We are older and she is going through the mid-life changes and she tells of her hormonal changes which might explain some of this behavior.

 

She does get real defensive when confronted or asked about the other guys at work. I worry since her last affairs were with co-workers.

[hopesndreams]

You can try the 180. It will go against everything your heart wants to do but what you need right now is to use your brain instead. You know she is screwing around right? Her history of it speaks volumes. Once a cheater, always a cheater. If miraculously she is drawn back to you (following the 180) admits the truth, gains back respect for you and shows remorse (tall order) then you will have something to work with and work it will be! MC, IC and years of torment, pain and suffering, especially on your part, to work towards forgiveness ONLY for it to happen again and again. Is it worth it???

 

First things first. RESPECT yourself. If you can't RESPECT yourself, who will?

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.

23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

[wicar1]

Dude, you should have dumped her when you found out about the first affair. She seems to be a s****. Get tested for STD's and dump her. She's not the last woman on earth...

 

once a cheater always a cheater...

 

save ur self

[Distant78]

Exactly. She does not care about you and still has the nerve to get an attitude when you question her after the crap she put you through. Wicar is right man: You should've left her the first time.

[cracer]

Aside from her philandering the fact that she said the words "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is a huge red flag. Huge! Once a women tells you she doesn't love you anymore your dead! Nothing you do will get her to change her mind. She is only sticking around until she finds a replacement then she will leave you. You need to divorce her immediately. Do not kid yourself she does not love you anymore. She probably hasn't for quite some time. That statement she made is an indirect way of telling you that. You need to read between the lines. Women having extramarital affairs, with co-workers/friends, is becoming more and more common today. They're just friends is the oldest trick in the book. You say she has had two affairs. How do you know that its two and not ten or more? You don't know. By staying with her after that fact you have taught her infidelity is something that you will tolerate. You need to accept the reality that your marriage is over and cut your loses. Once someone strays in a relationship the intimacy between a couple is gone forever. Sure you can learn to trust again with time but you will never ever have the intimacy you once shared and I don't care what any therapist says you can not have a relationship without intimacy.

Edited December 19, 2010 by cracer
Caps on

[Distant78]

Aside from her philandering the fact that she said the words "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is a huge red flag. Huge! Once a women tells you she doesn't love you anymore your dead! Nothing you do will get her to change her mind. She is only sticking around until she finds a replacement then she will leave you. You need to divorce her immediately. Do not kid yourself she does not love you anymore. She probably hasn't for quite some time. That statement she made is an indirect way of telling you that. You need to read between the lines. Women having extramarital affairs, with co-workers/friends, is becoming more and more common today. They're just friends is the oldest trick in the book. You say she has had two affairs. How do you know that its two and not ten or more? You don't know. By staying with her after that fact you have taught her infidelity is something that you will tolerate. You need to accept the reality that your marriage is over and cut your loses. Once someone strays in a relationship the intimacy between a couple is gone forever. Sure you can learn to trust again with time but you will never ever have the intimacy you once shared and I don't care what any therapist says you can not have a relationship without intimacy.

 

You hit the nail in head. Can't trust a lot of women these days. Gotta be careful.

[Spark1111]

Oh, no.....not the dreaded "I love you, but I am not in love with you...."

 

Big groan.....

 

That usually means someone who thinks mature love is the heady, hormonal rush of limerance....the new, exciting and early years of a relationship.

 

That is a person who does not know what mature love entails. They want to feel 16 again, and only new flirtatious attractions can fit that bill.

 

Have you guys ever been to counseling together or individually? After the first affairs?

 

Because if people at work do not even know she is married, well that is a huge red flag. Or if she disparages or minimizes the marriage in hopes one of these guys becomes her new workplace crush....well, that too speaks volumes.

 

What do you plan to do about this? Because you do have to do something before she waltzes out the door with another man.

 

Do you love her? Mid=life can be treacherous ground for relationships, and being proactive is better than being reactive.

 

Before it's too late.

[RobD70]

Could have named the thread "just friends".

 

The affair partner is always "just a friend" isn't it?

 

I agree with everyone else. Trusting her is a mistake and it's time to pull back. Treat her like she is treating you to give her a taste of her own medicine. Not saying cheat but if she thinks you are I wouldn't cry.

 

Any case, prepare yourself for a divorce. Start getting your ducks in a row and emotionally detach from her. Even if you don't want a divorce move forward anyway, you can always stop it at any time if she tried to make amends. Even if she did, I'd leave her anyway. She doesn't appear to be worth staying with.

[Snowflower]

I rarely will come out and tell a poster that their spouse is cheating because it seems presumptuous of me to do so. After all, no one here is in the OP's real-life situation.

 

That being said, in this case it is 99.99% certain that your wife is cheating, IMO.

 

The advice here is right on.

 

What do you plan to do about it?

[jnj express]

How tuff were you on your wife the 1st time she cheated, or did you just allow it all to be slid under the rug------If your wife percieved you as easy about the prior cheating, then she won't hesitate to cheat again----your problem is how many times---cuz she may have been cheating on you all along

 

If you want to stay with her, and by the way this is all sounding, I don't know why you would, wanna stay with her----then you need to set some boundaries, as to who she spends time with, and transparency

 

She obviously disses you, so it boils down to this is your life---how much more of her BS do you wanna stand for

[rowell2024]

Definitely a serial cheater! She's gaslighting you by trying to make the excuse that her behavior is based on hormonal changes. The two previous affairs are the only ones you know about, but there could have been several more that you didn't know about.

 

I don't think there can be an R with this WW, because this could now be her third KNOWN affair. The OM is always "just a friend".

 

I know, I've heard that too.

[dont-be-naive]

if your wife told you that she "was not in love with you" and cheated, then you should be saying, "so when are you packing your things"

[NoIDidn't]

Oh, no.....not the dreaded "I love you, but I am not in love with you...."

 

Big groan.....

 

That usually means someone who thinks mature love is the heady, hormonal rush of limerance....the new, exciting and early years of a relationship.

 

That is a person who does not know what mature love entails. They want to feel 16 again, and only new flirtatious attractions can fit that bill.

 

Yes, I recently read a very good translation of that dreaded phrase. It was "I care for you, but you no longer excite me".

 

I know we all feel this sometimes, but its something else to actually say it without doing the work to change it.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Aside from her philandering the fact that she said the words "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is a huge red flag. Huge! Once a women tells you she doesn't love you anymore your dead! Nothing you do will get her to change her mind. She is only sticking around until she finds a replacement then she will leave you. You need to divorce her immediately. Do not kid yourself she does not love you anymore. She probably hasn't for quite some time. That statement she made is an indirect way of telling you that. You need to read between the lines. Women having extramarital affairs, with co-workers/friends, is becoming more and more common today. They're just friends is the oldest trick in the book. You say she has had two affairs. How do you know that its two and not ten or more? You don't know. By staying with her after that fact you have taught her infidelity is something that you will tolerate. You need to accept the reality that your marriage is over and cut your loses. Once someone strays in a relationship the intimacy between a couple is gone forever. Sure you can learn to trust again with time but you will never ever have the intimacy you once shared and I don't care what any therapist says you can not have a relationship without intimacy.

 

indeed. this is the post.

[ConflictedGuy27]

"I care for you' date=' but you no longer excite me". [/quote']

 

WOW. now that's stripping down all the sugar coating, isn't it?

I'll never look at that childish phrase the same way again.

 

I care for you, but you no longer excite me. amazing.

[Karma20]

I had an ex tell me he loved me but wasn't in love with me that the excitment was gone. He came crawling back 6 mos later and I took him back then left him because I know longer loved him.

[Penney]

What does it mean when someone says "I love you but am not in love with you"?

 

It means I am willing to stay in a relationship with you until someone better comes along who will have me.

[Bobby2010]

What does it mean when someone says "I love you but am not in love with you"?

 

It means I am willing to stay in a relationship with you until someone better comes along who will have me.

 

"I still love you but not as much as before"

 

Should be a sticky with these quotes included.

[NoLongerSad]

What does it mean when someone says "I love you but am not in love with you"?

 

It means I am willing to stay in a relationship with you until someone better comes along who will have me.

 

Actually it quite frequently, but not always, means they are cheating on you.

[Steadfast]

My ex wife meant it. In fact, there is no doubt that even now, some three years after the fact she still isn't physically attracted to me. At least, the way she was when we were dating. The best thing for me was accepting it.

 

Funny tho...she:

 

a) Does not like it that other women are

b) Told me recently that I would always be her 'soul mate'

c) Of late has been overly complimentary

d) Said she wishes she could 'go back in time and do things over'

e) Has repeatedly tried to kiss me and wants to spend time together

 

I think, at this point, my ex has realized the initial fire of any relationship eventually turns into something else. I do know (because she told me) that she has realized the loss of someone who was honest and faithful...someone who truly loved her and took the relationship, and fatherhood seriously. She now says she's sorry for her actions and calls it the biggest mistake of her life.

 

Just the same, she still enjoys the attention of other men, and enjoys her freedom...when she's in the mood to enjoy it. Funny, so do I. We're divorced, ,and that isn't going to change. Be careful what you wish for-

[fltc]

What does it mean when someone says "I love you but am not in love with you"?

 

It usually means, "I love you but I'm f*cking someone else."