loverofloveandstuff Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 (edited) Met a guy, Ollie, a couple of years ago (he came into my work, asked for my number etc), lost my virginity to him the night after going to a gig at his club. We never went on dates, instead I went to all the different musical gigs and events his company was holding. It was a lot of fun but I nearly failed my last year of school because of my attendance as I was going out every night. I was never his girlfriend, he "doesn't do girlfriends" but he told me loved me. He would also refer to me as his girl when introducing me to people. I'd get upset as he flirted with every pretty girl, he didn't pay much attention to me when we were out as he was entertaining everyone else. I never said anything as I didn't feel entitled to, I was not his girlfriend. I started dating one of the djs I met at one of his events. I didn't like the guy but I wanted to show Ollie he'd lose me if he didn't start paying more attention to me. Silly idea. He badmouthed him and told me how sleezy he was but declared that 'he's not the jealous type.' The dj eventually ended up asking me to be his girlfriend and I realised things had gone too far at that point as I didn't like him and ended it with him there and then. After doing a few more things to try and make ollie jealous, I realised that he was, but not enough to change the status of our relationship. That was never going to happen. As time progressed he would flake on all our plans and not call me/ignore me for weeks and then tell me how he misses me and ask me if I'll come out tonight. He has been doing this for the last couple of years. I've been NC with him for the past couple of months. He sent me a text today asking what I had been up to, where I'd been at that he misses me and wants to see me. Does this guy actually like me at all? What does he want from me? Can anybody tell me what this guy is thinking? I don't know if this is relevant but I know he sees me as a breath of fresh air. I was really innocent when I met him and he changed my life a lot. I am not like his usual crowd at all, he knows that and he is told me that. The dynamic is like one of a booty call, but he hardly ever gets any so I am totally confused as to why he keeps coming back. Edited December 18, 2010 by loverofloveandstuff
Madgick1 Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 Read up on narcisstic personality disorder and see if it fits him. He treats you as an object. You have no life except to be available to him at his whim.
Author loverofloveandstuff Posted December 18, 2010 Author Posted December 18, 2010 Read up on narcisstic personality disorder and see if it fits him. He treats you as an object. You have no life except to be available to him at his whim. At one stage, I really did feel like I had no life except to be available to him. I have been a total doormat. I was supposed to go on a date one night but cancelled an hour before. The reason being, ollie needed a host for an event as one of his girl friends had cancelled last minute. He said he'd be around and keep me company but left with all of his mates to go somewhere else. When he came back it was 4am and I was so tired. His best friend even asked me why I put up with his crap and in his words, "he treats you like sh*t." Ollie tried to pay me at the end of the night but I told him I didn't want to be a girl who worked for him, I was his friend doing him a favour. I looked up NPD and he probably has it, although I don't really see that side of him. I know a lot of people are irritated by his arrogance, mostly other men. I've always assumed they were jealous but I might just be blind. When I first started seeing him I actually googled his (stage) name on the internet and his name comes up on a lot of music forums and a heap of bad things are said about him.
Cee Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 When I was 18, I was with a guy like that. I can't explain it, but I was completely into him even though he treated me like dirt. I was never his girlfriend even though we spent practically every night together. So many times he would blow me off or ignore me, but I couldn't say, no. He dropped me so quickly and easily, but did go back after me later for a booty call once in awhile. I feel ashamed to admit it, but I loved that man so much. And when he broke up with me, I nearly failed my exams because I didn't study and cried for days. I can't explain that man and I will never understand. The reason I'll never understand is I am incapable of being as cold and uncaring as him. There's no point in analyzing him. IThe thing I have learned is that I have a dangerous addiction to emotionally unavailable men. It took me a long, long time to get over it, but I did. Try to go cold turkey off this man and get some support. And pay attention to the fact that so many people hate him. Trust their judgment over yours. Good luck.
Star Gazer Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 The dynamic is like one of a booty call... You nailed it on the head yourself, unfortunately. I'm assuming you want more? If so, nix him from your life.
Author loverofloveandstuff Posted December 18, 2010 Author Posted December 18, 2010 Thanks guys, I guess I know my answer. I do want more and I am too emotionally involved to settle for less. That's it then. Early on, I set a precedent that he could treat me like a doormat and I would always go back to him. The only way to erase that is to erase him from my life. Cee - I can totally relate to the "dangerous addiction to emotionally unavailable men." For me, I think it's a defense mechanism as I am probably not emotionally mature enough for a relationship and I know a relationship is just not going to happen with emotionally unavailable men. At the same time, as soon as I start getting close to a decent guy I find a reason to end it. All in all, I think I am attracted to emotionally unavailable men because I am emotionally unavailable.
Anxiety Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 I would call you his "backburner girl". Your simmering on the backburner, with him only wanting to see you when he doesn't have anything better to do, or only when he needs something. I know what its like, I've been on a girls backburner before. Its not fun.
Eddie Edirol Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 (edited) Cee - I can totally relate to the "dangerous addiction to emotionally unavailable men." For me, I think it's a defense mechanism as I am probably not emotionally mature enough for a relationship and I know a relationship is just not going to happen with emotionally unavailable men. At the same time, as soon as I start getting close to a decent guy I find a reason to end it. All in all, I think I am attracted to emotionally unavailable men because I am emotionally unavailable. I dont think youre emotionally unavailable, youve just gotten used to craving the challenge of winning a guys heart. Thats a woman thing in psychology. You get addicted to trying to earn the guys heart, even when you think you might not be able to get it, makes you want it more, and work for it more. Then when a decent guy comes around that you dont need to work as hard for, its boring to you, too easy, and not a challenge. One way to get out of this practice is to stay single for a while. You already know to stay away from the bad boys, they will be like candy to you. Getting with one will be like falling off the wagon. It will start up the addiction all over again. The longer you stay away from guys, the more you will appreciate a decent guy when he comes along. You pretty much have to forget what it was like to be with the bad boy. In comparison ,one of the man versions of this is the bad boy. He gets all the sex he wants. he wants a regular decent girl, but a regular decent girl wouldnt excite him, so running through tons of women is his life and torture after a while. Just a growing up thing really. Edited December 18, 2010 by Eddie Edirol
Author loverofloveandstuff Posted December 18, 2010 Author Posted December 18, 2010 I dont think youre emotionally unavailable, youve just gotten used to craving the challenge of winning a guys heart. Thats a woman thing in psychology. You get addicted to trying to earn the guys heart, even when you think you might not be able to get it, makes you want it more, and work for it more. Then when a decent guy comes around that you dont need to work as hard for, its boring to you, too easy, and not a challenge. One way to get out of this practice is to stay single for a while. You already know to stay away from the bad boys, they will be like candy to you. Getting with one will be like falling off the wagon. It will start up the addiction all over again. The longer you stay away from guys, the more you will appreciate a decent guy when he comes along. You pretty much have to forget what it was like to be with the bad boy. I never thought of it that way but what you said it's true. Especially the part about decent guys coming around and I don't need to work for their affection. I've noticed I can be pretty selfish in the way I treat decent guys and I thought it might be because I am treating them the way I have been treated. I think I should just stay away from all men for awhile.
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