Bella1988 Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 So I met my boyfriend at work and we started dating 7 months ago. From the start he's been the most sensitive, attentive, generous boyfriend I've ever had in my life. Almost TOO much. He constantly tells me how much he loves me in person and then continues to tell me he misses me and loves me in texts when we aren't together (he said he loved me a couple weeks after dating which I thought was too soon, but at the time I really was falling for him so I just went with it) he tells me he wants to marry me and be with me forever, how beautiful and perfect he thinks I am, and does everything in his power to make me happy. We even moved in together 3 months after dating, which was too early, but everything was happening so quickly with us it just seemed right. But then a month ago I saw a facebook message to his ex saying "I miss you so badly" ...to put it in his exact words. She told him history shouldn't repeat itself and he shouldn't be saying that to her because he's in a relationship, and the convo ended there. When I ask him about it he said he was feeling insecure because I have guys that are friends, and he doesn't feel completely comfortable about it. So he went to her as a friend because he wanted someone to talk to about it. But it's just the way he worded it that bothered me. I'd never say I miss you "so badly" to someone that was just a friend, and especially not an ex, unless i still had feelings for them. He said he only said that to get her to talk to him and he meant it strictly as a friend. Since then I kind of distanced myself from him. I haven't been as loving towards him and don't feel the constant need to be with him anymore, it just kind of gradually went away over the last month. He still does all the nice things he did before, and literally would do anything to make me happy, but now him doing all these things just annoys me... it sounds mean, but I just feel smothered. It doesn't end there though; last night I found out he searched the same ex's name on google, and he also searched "looking for a new relationship" and "single girls". I confronted him about it and he said it was because I've been going out too much lately and I ditched him one of the nights I said I would be home, so he was "bored and angry" and thats why he did it. I'll admit I've been more distant and I have been going out a lot lately, but should he have reacted in this way and should I believe his reasoning for it? It's confusing because he says he loves me so much and treats me so well, it just doesn't make sense that he would be thinking of his ex.
DontWorryBHappy Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 Ew. I logged in just to reply to this thread because I wanted to tell you that you should dump this guy or have a seriouuussss talk with him. he was totally out of line for sending the ex that fb message and the google searches. i would be so uncomfortable being around a boyfriend if that was ever done to me, and dont think the relationship could be the same again (or be a relationship at all).
Madgick1 Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 I think this relationship has run it's course. You are distancing yourself. If you do a relationship half-aszed, you get a half aszed relationship, iows, a worthless one. He's not getting his needs met by you, you aren't getting your needs met. Why are you going out so often without him leaving him alone? And you need to stop spying on/monitoring him. That's not good either.
Star Gazer Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 I think this relationship has run it's course. You are distancing yourself. If you do a relationship half-aszed, you get a half aszed relationship, iows, a worthless one. He's not getting his needs met by you, you aren't getting your needs met. Why are you going out so often without him leaving him alone? And you need to stop spying on/monitoring him. That's not good either. I agree. Sounds like you guys moved too fast, and now both of your rose-colored glasses have come off and you're realizing this isn't what you want. He misses his ex. That doesn't bode well for your relationship.
Author Bella1988 Posted December 20, 2010 Author Posted December 20, 2010 I started going out after the first time I found out about the facebook message to his ex. I felt like I needed some space and I wanted to be with my friends to get my mind off things, so that's why I left him alone. Before that, I hadn't gone out with my friends once within the first 6 months we were together. We were attached at the hip pretty much, and that's part of why we moved in together so early, which I'm now regretting. I know I shouldn't "monitor" him, but we both share his laptop and he accidentally left his facebook page open right on his inbox one night, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to see it because I don't know his password. The second time I typed something in the search box and it always saves previous searches so it just kind of popped up. I barely ever snoop, this is just what I've found by chance, so he could be hiding other things. I just don't know why he does so much for me and constantly showers me in love, begging me to marry him ( even after I tell him I'm not ready ) if he misses his ex. Could he just be looking for attention? His actions just completely contradict themselves. You might be right about this relationship running it's course, but we live together, and I feel like breaking up with him would crush him because I'm literally everything to him right now. He doesn't even go out with his friends because he wants to spend all his time with me. I don't know if I can bring my self to end it with someone that dedicates themself to me so deeply, even though he was talking to his ex. : / I guess you guys are right though, I needed to see it from someone else's perspective.
ldlover Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 I can relate to certain parts of the experience you have described here. My girlfriend and I moved really fast too, also met at work, moved in together quickly etc. Just a few comments from a guy's point of view: When you get into a relationship and everything happens fast, I think a lot of people begin to neglect their friends to spend time with their SO. As a result, sometimes it can be really hard to find someone to talk to when issues arise in your relationship. The effect is compounded if your partner is not the best communicator themselves. I'm not condoning your boyfriend's actions re: missing his ex &/or googling her etc. but take a minute to consider how he is feeling. It sounds to me like he really loves you and is used to spending a lot of time together, especially given that you met at work. Maybe he is feeling insecure and threatened by your guy friends. Everyone has different boundaries and maybe you two should discuss what specifically is making him feel insecure. When you started to distance yourself from him (going out all the time), it probably made him feel even worse, so he is compensating when he does see you. You guys need to have a serious talk about where things are going and neither of you can hold back. If you care about each other, you need to put it all out there and talk about it. You must be completely honest with him, it's not fair to string him along and it will only result in more of the smothering you are describing. Should you break up, you will crush him, so don't make any hasty decisions. A relationship is a two way street and whatever happens, the two of you should talk about it. You made a certain commitment to each other when you moved in together, the least you can do is have a frank discussion about what is going on.
poorguy Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 I agree with Idlover. From another guys perspective let me tell you a story about my ex GF and I. We broke up almost 7 months ago. She got a new BF right away, moved in together, and just generally moved very very quickly with the new guy. Well as the months went by they basically went from the initial amazing whirlwind romantic relationship to really getting to know each other being together 24/7. I cut off all contact about a month after I found out about her having a new BF the week we broke up. Forward to about 2 months ago. She began to text or email me about how nobody will ever compare to me, how I was the one true love of her life, how amazing our sexlife was, and how she still dreams of being with me and in my arms at my house in bed. Now I would assume her ne BF wouldn't really like any of that that she said-I know I wouldn't!!! Well I sort of caught on that this would go on frequently, but between the hours of approx 8am and 5pm then silence. Basically what she was doing was getting some good comfortable attention from the good old ex BF when things with her new BF weren't going as great as she would like. So in a way all she was doing was soaking up the attention then going home to him-basically somehow making her stronger in her current relationship. I basically just played along with her nonsense because I was over it and her. Point here is yes she said those things, that he would have flipped out had he known or even still finds out-only he won't. She's way to savy to get caught. She not unlike your BF have zero intention of going back to their exes. All they wanted was attention and they got it and it made themselves feel better-although it is a strange way to go about it. He loves you know doubt about it and his ex is no threat to you or your relationship whatsoever. Just have a talk with him and put it all behind you and be happy together and open and honsest
BackUpOrGetStung Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 This guy loves the idea of you, not you. He's really insecure and he wants you around as his trophy for validation of his own worth. You're stupid if you believe any of his excuses. Sooner or later one of you will cheat on the other, and I'm betting it will be him because of his insecurity and how he thinks its okay to take revenge when he feels hurt. Break it off now while it's early.
BackUpOrGetStung Posted December 20, 2010 Posted December 20, 2010 (edited) I just think he's being an attention whore Entirely consistent with what I said. Dump him. Edited December 20, 2010 by BackUpOrGetStung
catgotyourtongue Posted December 21, 2010 Posted December 21, 2010 For what it is worth, I think this has huge red flags all over it. Not cool, not ok, sneaky. Why on earth anyone would say all the things they did to you all the time, and then send email/fb to an ex in that context, is bs. Really. AND you found him on dating sites or whatever? Even if he is just protecting himself and is afraid you will leave him, he needs to wait before he jumps. His excuses sound like bs to me, and it does not add up. I can't fathom the mixed messages of people like this, it irks me and I am sorry that you are struggling with this... i would not be cool with it, I would not trust him...these are simply the things u found, u have no idea what else he might have done or be doing in way of contact with others... watch your back, and take care
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