Jennie - an unapologetic OW

[anne1707]

I just used TDNet, my school's library, as well as SWAN... all three of which are wonderful databases for scholarly research, as I have made great use of them over the years. I got no hits on split self affair, and the only Emily Brown I pulled up was on how to landscape with perennials.

 

When I did the run of the mill google search every hit came back to Emily Brown.

 

I ended up googling her, because I was curious about her scholarly credentials. She holds a masters and license in social work.

 

Souns like pop culture stuff to me. It's akin to taking sex advice from the likes of John Muir, the self-proclaimed granddaddy of American Tantra.

 

Lisa

 

Pretty much exactly what I found on the university database I suscribe to. Only two references and they were both Emily Brown

[OWoman]

I just used TDNet, my school's library, as well as SWAN... all three of which are wonderful databases for scholarly research, as I have made great use of them over the years. I got no hits on split self affair, and the only Emily Brown I pulled up was on how to landscape with perennials.

 

Pretty much exactly what I found on the university database I suscribe to. Only two references and they were both Emily Brown

 

I'm glad I don't employ either of you as research assistants, then

 

I was going to post my index results, but the file is way too long and also contains identifying data that I can't be arsed to edit out.

[bentnotbroken]

Lisa

 

Pretty much exactly what I found on the university database I suscribe to. Only two references and they were both Emily Brown

 

Same thing I found weeks ago on the scholarly database I subscribe to. I wasn't finished with trying to dig...but since so many others have, I am finished.

[JustJoe]

Well....I like perennials, so it's OK.

[anne1707]

I'm glad I don't employ either of you as research assistants, then

 

I was going to post my index results, but the file is way too long and also contains identifying data that I can't be arsed to edit out.

 

OWoman

 

I would never assist you in anything thank you very much

[jthorne]

Jennie's made it clear that she did a lot of research, and was glad that she found this "explanation" for MM's behavior.

 

While I surely don't expect her to admit it, I do believe that she needed an "out" for his behavior...and she searched until she found it. She needed to understand WHY he was doing what he was doing...this gave her an explanation that made it sound "noble" somehow.

 

It certainly sounds nicer than "conflict-avoider", or "cake-eater", either of which are also potential 'answers' to the same question of why.

Owl just made a nice post about MM's making excuses and OW finding a reason to buy them. Thumbs up!

 

I just realized that I had far too much coffee this morning. Then, someone brought in my weakness, Dark Fun-Sized Snickers. (since it's my weakness, I couldn't help myself.) Then, I topped all that off with some highly caffeinated soft drinks.

 

Considering the stimulative effects of caffeine and sugar, could I use that as an excuse should Tony find any of my posts of today objectionable?

 

I have studies to back it up. How is that much different from split self?

[jthorne]

OWoman

 

I would never assist you in anything thank you very much

I thought it was search terms that were requested, not the index results. Isn't that your understanding? Surely there aren't pages of search terms?

[OWoman]

But sometimes some people desperately NEED for there to be a reason beyond "because he feels like it" so they grasp at whatever they can pretzel around to fit their circumstances. ESPECIALLY for people with a low self esteem, and someone with the admitted dysfunctional family/relationship situations she's been in thus far is bound to have problems in this area. It's only natural.

 

Sure - one can use an explanation as an excuse if you're not going to do anything with the explanation. Or one can use it as a basis for action to challenge and change the situation. It all depends on what you do with the understanding once you have it.

[donnamaybe]

Sure - one can use an explanation as an excuse if you're not going to do anything with the explanation. Or one can use it as a basis for action to challenge and change the situation. It all depends on what you do with the understanding once you have it.

And, even though I am certain I saw JJ write about talking with her MM about this and how IC is necessary to sort things out, he hasn't taken one single step to sort anything out.

 

So now that there is supposedly understanding, he's done NOTHING! That speaks volumes about his intentions. To me, at least.

[jthorne]

And, even though I am certain I saw JJ write about talking with her MM about this and how IC is necessary to sort things out, he hasn't taken one single step to sort anything out.

 

So now that there is supposedly understanding, he's done NOTHING! That speaks volumes about his intentions. To me, at least.

Exactly! Just like my silly example above where Tony would hold me accountable, this is exactly why I think "split self" is a load of . It lets the split self person get away with not being accountable for his actions.

 

Who wants someone who won't be accountable?

[pureinheart]

Jennie,

 

Question for you...and this is the thing that concerns me.

 

If there was a bad day, a day where absolutely nothing seems to go well (we all have those days)...would you feel safe posting on LS?

[bentnotbroken]

Jennie,

 

Question for you...and this is the thing that concerns me.

 

If there was a bad day, a day where absolutely nothing seems to go well (we all have those days)...would you feel safe posting on LS?

 

 

Why shouldn't she feel safe? She is comfortable with her choices. It's not like someone is going to reach through a computer screen and shake her until her teeth rattle. What's not safe about an adult posting to people who have no bearing on her life or her choices?

[SidLyon]

I would be interested in knowing what keywords you used for your search because I am getting nothing like 817 references when I search (and yes, that is on an academic library)

 

I would appreciate an answer to this as I too have on-line access to full university/academic/research libraries and databases.

 

[i haven't yet finished reading this thread so thanks if it's answered later.]

[anne1707]

There was a post which suggested "split-self affair" which is what I then used on both the psychology and social sciences sections of a university database and only got 2 hits.

[2themoon&back]

I concur.

 

Also, I believe it should be noted that the proponent of the split self theory is not a psychologist, in fact does not even have her doctorate. She is a social worker. Would psychologists take the time to argue what a licensed social worker has to say about having affairs?

 

817 articles worth?

 

Not if they agree?

 

Can a licensed social worker not be as intuitive as psychologists about affairs?

People do this here all the time and I have not seen any of their credentials either, IMO.

[jthorne]

I concur.

 

Also, I believe it should be noted that the proponent of the split self theory is not a psychologist, in fact does not even have her doctorate. She is a social worker. Would psychologists take the time to argue what a licensed social worker has to say about having affairs?

 

817 articles worth?

Not likely. Conflict Avoidance maybe. Split-Self, no.

[desertIslandCactus]

I research issues that come up in my life. I take what I like and leave the rest. To me it is not enough to participate on a forum, I want to hear what the people working in the field say as well. Some I discard, some I take to heart because they match what I am experiencing in life.

 

I find understanding the psychology behind a fellow human being's actions far more interesting than to just condemn them. But that's me.

 

And there again, (as someone posted a few weeks ago) you can find publication out there to give justification or support - to any life style or belief system. ..

[desertIslandCactus]

Bold...does Jennie need an out though? Personally I think the "Split Self" fits and explains a lot (it certainly did in my case), although I don't think Jennie really needs it to understand that she is in love with this man and wants to be with him no matter the cost. That is how I felt back in the day and had no clue about certain psych matters. I have always been interested in psychology, and had been to councelling a lot and read many self help books.. I just knew that I loved exDM and knew he was in a bad situation (which did play itself out).

 

 

"No matter the cost". So much pure, for explaining Jennie - and without giving thought to the MM and his loved ones.

[jthorne]

"No matter the cost". So much pure, for explaining Jennie - and without giving thought to the MM and his loved ones.

Also, who determines what a "bad situation" is? Apparantly the BS thinks her H is a saint. How can the BS say, since she does not know the truth, that she is in a "bad situation"?

 

Conversely, the OW is not in the marriage, so she only knows what the MM tells her. From what I understand, he has never badmouthed the BS. So how can it be such a "bad situation"? If it was so bad, wouldn't the BS know? If it was so bad, why couldn't the WS leave, since he can fly into the loving arms of his OW who wants nothing but to make everything all better?

 

Doesn't add up.

[bentnotbroken]

Also, who determines what a "bad situation" is? Apparantly the BS thinks her H is a saint. How can the BS say, since she does not know the truth, that she is in a "bad situation"?

 

Conversely, the OW is not in the marriage, so she only knows what the MM tells her. From what I understand, he has never badmouthed the BS. So how can it be such a "bad situation"? If it was so bad, wouldn't the BS know? If it was so bad, why couldn't the WS leave, since he can fly into the loving arms of his OW who wants nothing but to make everything all better?

 

Doesn't add up.

 

 

 

And it won't. It will only add up as long as no one looks too close at the numbers (like the BS) so that's why she is kept in the dark. You can't add what you don't see.

[Distant78]

And it won't. It will only add up as long as no one looks too close at the numbers (like the BS) so that's why she is kept in the dark. You can't add what you don't see.

 

Damn straight. Hopefully by some strand of hair, she'll find out and take the kids and run away like Kanye West.

[desertIslandCactus]

Damn straight. Hopefully by some strand of hair, she'll find out and take the kids and run away like Kanye West.

 

The one who destroys families isn't necessarily the OW ... But the One who destroys families, the bold is the hopeful outcome. ..

[pureinheart]

Why shouldn't she feel safe? She is comfortable with her choices. It's not like someone is going to reach through a computer screen and shake her until her teeth rattle. What's not safe about an adult posting to people who have no bearing on her life or her choices?

 

I should have communicated this a bit better, Jennie knows what I mean without going into full detail...my bad...I have been really busy (overwhelmed actually) and have had little time to write the way I would like.

 

Words do hurt, and I have seen some really mean posts, some are right after the other, and the tone, writing style, all of it combined cause me at times to be reluctant to say what is really going on. If a person is really hurting and hypersensitive at the same time, much damage can be done with hurtful, mean words/posts.

 

For me, I don't post on LS for support as it is not supportive anymore.

[Heather1]

PIH, it is if your telling the BS & destroying whole families, ruining your career, etc.

 

A lot of advice seems to be from BS.

[Distant78]

The one who destroys families isn't necessarily the OW ... But the One who destroys families, the bold is the hopeful outcome. ..

 

But here is an OW who knows exactly what she's doing for over five years, and doesn't really care so yes, it is necessarily the OW.